DailyReprieve posted 9/11/2020 23:03 PM

She may try to make me feel special. That's fine, nice. But those actions have a tough time getting through the post betrayal bullshit filter.

Some holidays are tough, some just blah. None soar like they once did.

hatefulnow posted 9/12/2020 00:43 AM

I totally get where you're coming from Chaos. For me it's like I lost a limb. Even though I can manage and even perhaps prosper without it, it's gone and I notice every day.

NotMyFirstRodeo posted 9/12/2020 08:09 AM

My very simple answer is yes, I know the feeling. On top of years of memories that are lost, my WW also ruined specific, special events which I just don't have many of anyways. The most efficient assessment I can share is that I've taught myself to view those special events/dates as glasses of spilled milk (not her actions ... but the events/dates are things that used to be enjoyable but are now ruined).

sisoon posted 9/12/2020 14:21 PM

Specialness from others doesn't work unless one feels special on one's own. (I know that's an awkward sentence. It has the benefit of applying to any gender.)

You've got to claw your way back again to BASGU, Chaos, and you can do it. It'll be easier this time.

I think Unhinged's translation is right on. Accepting love again from one's betrayer is something all of us in R have to resolve.

I think it's wise to take your time with accepting love again from someone who took you into false R.

Let the BASGU stuff flow now, though. You've been hurt and hurt again, but you're still awesome.

WhatsRight posted 9/12/2020 18:30 PM

I TOTALLY loved Want2behappy again’s post!!!

I plan to type it out and read it every morning!!

Damn straight… Take back that special attention he used to give to you. You deserve it. Like taking back a favorite vacation spot, or reclaiming a restaurant, etc.

And I quote a certain BASGU...

I clawed myself back to being confident. I clawed myself back to owning my own space. I clawed myself back to walking into any room like I owned it. I clawed myself back to being Chaos.

deephurt posted 9/12/2020 19:06 PM

I completely get where you are coming from Chaos. I feel that way too. My WH has done many special things for me and initially I feel happy and almost special, until my brain reminds me how social I was not for so long and how not special he treated me for so long.

Its hard to retrain the brain. It makes sense what WTBHA is saying as well as Sisoon. Its also really hard to put it into practice.

My WH has a LTA, every special occasion has been tainted by the A. I have no idea if he met with the AP on my birthday or anniversary, he may have. I know he called her. I know they texted. He may have said how much he wished he was with it, rather than me, I don't know because I don't know if I have the whole truth or not.

There are so many triggers things. Christmas doesn't feel special. He used to go to the basement Christmas eve for a couple of hours to wrap my presents while I did some cooking or baking and finished up last minute wrapping myself upstairs. It was a cute tradition and while there was nothing special in it for me, it made me feel almost special because it appeared to be all about making my Christmas special......except, he was down there texting and calling AP also.....so now its a trigger.

Nothing makes me feel special anymore, no matter how hard he tries, and he does. I don't feel special because not only was I not special to him during his LTA, I was not relevant. Basically I feel like he didn't give a shit about me at all. So yes, it is likely my brain protecting itself against being vulnerable enough to feel any specialness to be torn to shreds again.

20yrsagoBS posted 9/12/2020 21:51 PM

WH tries to celebrate those big occasions.

I’m kinda meh about them

Sofarsogood posted 10/2/2020 10:53 AM

Trying not to thread jack, but can I ask you how you knew your WH was serious about dropping the OW (or honestly decided you were the one/came out of the fog?)

Chaos posted 10/2/2020 11:24 AM

Sofarsogood LTAP was the object of his unrequited love of his youth. They reconnected over social media at a time when his trades business [self employeed trade contractor] took a nosedive with the economy. Work slowly dried up as the bills kept coming. He'd see me go to work daily and he'd be at home watching a phone that never rang. So...scroll, scroll, scroll, people you may know...

He says after about 6-8 months he new he was fucking things up royally and that's when the toxic dance started. Breaking up, missing the attention, hooking up, guilt and shame, just a look, lather rinse repeat.

The 1st DDay - our teen found out snooping though his phone. The 2nd DDay [broken NC] came from friends from SI stalking her page and seeing his comments (she'd blocked me from the onset so I'd never know she existed). The 3rd DDay I'd grown smarter and more observant and hacked his account one day to see active message occurring. I'd also done my homework and found OBS cell number. My hands shook so hard I had to dial 3x. But I informed him and sent over 50 images - many pornographic - of his wife and my husband.

False R is a mindfuck. I could have sworn he'd gotten it before. Nope - they just went underground.

What nailed it home for him - months after that DDay - I wound up in ER for the 3rd time with a panic attack I could have sworn was a heart attack. He was called as an emergency contact. I calmly [no choice I was pumped full of so many drugs] looked at him and said "get serious help or get out" and then looked back down.

He did. And started talking more - opening up more - sharing things he never would before. Time and reality allowed self reflection. He was so caught up in the ego kibbles and eating the cake he convinced himself it was "just one more time" "just one more conversation" "just one more [insert stupid thing here] and I'll be done". For him - it was easier to escape in the fantasy of an affair than deal with the reality of life. Let's face it - LTAPs don't care how late your mortgage payment is or that your 12 year old washing machine died. LTAPs don't care if you go to work or not. LTAPs don't ask if any contractor has any work or is paying you for work you did [or told you wife you were doing while you were sexting/hooking up with AP].

So - all that to say it was stereotypical cake eating/ego kibble selfishness. And a BS who finally got to the point where she let go of any outcome and put the ball firmly in his court - prepared to walk away and deal with life on her own. The delivery helped - he knew as drugged up as I was, there was no fronting. That was unfiltered filter sans emoting or drama. That was it. Shape up or ship out. I'll be fine.

The fog didn't lift until he was brutally honest with himself. There was a very personal FOO defining moment for him. It took weeks of intensive IC for that to come out. But he had to be brutally honest with himself. That's the bottom line.

Hopefully this answers - if not let me know. I'm an open book.

Sofarsogood posted 10/2/2020 11:39 AM

Thank you for your reply. As you can probably tell, I dealt with fog and limerence for quite some time. Have you had any issues with the OW trying to reestablish contact?

Chaos posted 10/2/2020 12:07 PM

Sofarsogood - that's funny you bring that up. WH and I just discussed that the other day.

Yes. I'm terrified she will [even OBS calls her a bitch and a bully who doesn't know how to not get her way]. WH thinks she may try - especially with our youngest coming of age soon. Allegedly [and WH never wavered] at several points during their LTA she asked him to marry her. Who knows if she was serious or if she was just toying with him to see if she could get him to leave. He also said [and OBS confirmed] for a time during their LTA she tried to get pregnant. She told WH she'd pass the baby off as OBS but name it after WH and that would be their inside "joke". WH said that when he knew for sure she had issues and he was in way over his head with her. WTF?!?!

While AP/OBS [they are still together] live out of state 6 hours away - it was still close enough for them to hook up frequently [she did go on "girls" weekends a lot - that's how she got out of the house - she lived in our area for a few years during middle/high school that's how she has friends in the area and knew WH].

While not on high alert - I am cautious. OBS told me shortly after I told him that a condition of attempting R was that she give up social media and stop her "girls weekends" - who knows how long he will keep enforcing that and start to trust her again.

WH isn't on high alert but wouldn't be surprised if she reached out. Just to show she was still there. While I'd never use the word "scared" to describe WH - I did tell him if that happened to not engage and let me know. I'll take it from there. And it will involve OBS and a cease and desist letter. He is fairly certain her reaching out [just to prove her relevance] is only a matter of time.

Sofarsogood posted 10/2/2020 14:09 PM

Thank you so much for the insight! I sure hope your husband realizes what a jewel he has in you! My WH is (was) a huge flirt and demonstrated this right in front of me. It finally took me saying "You know, I just don't care anymore" I distanced myself emotionally and started doing what made me happy. It was like a light switch (like he realized what he actually might be losing) There are more details to my story (of course), but that's the gist of it.