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Iím afraid to let you make me feel special [again]

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Chaos posted 9/11/2020 08:51 AM

Thatís what I said a few days ago.

And it is spot on accurate. And it cut WH to the quick.

I didnít say it to punish but it really thatís the lowest common denominator. He knew something was off (because I have a birthday fast approaching)and initiated the discussion.

Readers Digest Backstory: After DDay1 I clawed my way back to bad ass. Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn level bad ass. And over a year past DDay1, I let WH throw me an epic birthday party. One people are still talking about. And the next morning I thanked him again. And told him other than very few days in my life [wedding, childrenís births] Iíd never felt so special. Little did I know he hooked up with AP that day Ė as theyíd just gone underground. Yadda, yadda, yadda Ė another DDay and I finally told OBS blowing that shit sky high.

ButÖmy go to defense mechanism is now ďdonít do something specialĒ

Feeling special has become a monumental reminder. So Ė he can do something nice or basic, but donít dare do anything special. Acknowledge whatever occasion it may be, but donít make it special. In fact [if I were being petty Ė shove special up youíre a** - if it werenít for the kids donít even acknowledge whatever occasion it is]. Perhaps this is not helpful, but it is self-preserving.

He gets it. Sadly, when he strips himself of his own defenses, he gets it. And doesnít blame me. In fact he is glad I could put my finger on it. He tells me heís glad I communicated that. And it sparked quite a long yet productive and insightful conversation. One that left us both feeling both emotionally drained ye feeling free of restraint.

But there is an underlying current around birthdays, holidays and ďspecialĒ occasions.

Anyone else? And if so, how do you handle? BS and WS perspectives alike.

DragnHeart posted 9/11/2020 08:59 AM

Oh we dont celebrate special occasions anymore.

Our wedding anniversary is just another day.

My birthday. Other than the kids wanting to make a deal out of it we dont do much. Maybe a cake.

I'm of the mindset that if I wasnt special to him back then why now?

Now the dates of all my Ddays have blurred. I know the biggest one was around Thanksgiving. Another close to Christmas. In between is my birthday. I dont even want to think about him being with her (ow2) anywhere near that date. Though he probably was. Or wasnt and she bitched that he wasnt. She did that too about certain holidays... As if spending time with his WIFE SND CHILDREN on a damn holiday was abandoning her....omg barf

Besides, I'm at an age now where birthdays are just reminders that I'm getting closer to the end. From now on I'm only 29 if anyone wants to celebrate lol

thatbpguy posted 9/11/2020 09:45 AM

ButÖmy go to defense mechanism is now ďdonít do something specialĒ

Totally agreed.

I can see R and all, but were I still married to my XWW, the last thing I'd want is to try and be made to feel special. It almost seems insulting as if I'd want to say, "how dare you"? Sort of like justifying their betrayal by allowing it. Some things are simply lost after a betrayal and, to me, this would be one of them.

Sofarsogood posted 9/11/2020 10:04 AM

I totally get where you're coming from! I've followed SI for quite some time with limited posting, so I hope I'm not overstepping or being too nosy, but was your husband's AP a former friend or acquaintance?

Chaos posted 9/11/2020 11:20 AM

Sofarsogood - no overstepping I promise.

The LTAP was the object of unrequited love of his youth - they reconnected on social media.

Sofarsogood posted 9/11/2020 11:48 AM

Thank you Chaos! I'm still trying to muster up the courage to tell my story. My Wh and I have been married almost 42 years and I still fixate on what I went through early in our relationship. Let's all raise our wine glasses to reality and courage (for me!)

Want2BHappyAgain posted 9/11/2020 13:47 PM

OH...HELL...NO!!

You did not earn the title Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn by backing away my friend! You CLAWED your way back to that title...and you know how GOOD it made you feel . Don't you DARE let anyone take that bad ass level from you again!!!

YES...it is tough. YES...it is hard. But you did it before...and you KNOW how GOOD it felt . Knowledge is POWER young lady...and you have that power now .

You are absolutely right...this is a go to defense mechanism. Your limbic system is protecting you by sending out the "flight" response to anything that would make you "feel special". RETRAIN your system . The thing about retraining our intuitive responses is that we can't do it by logic. It can ONLY be learned by experience. You will NEVER get a positive "feeling special" experience if you don't experience them. I can assure you that the first few times will be HARD. Your body wants you to get away...and it will make your heart palpitate...your palms sweat...and there may be crying involved too. But YOU'VE got this BASGU !! As these "feeling special" events with your WH happen positively...your body will start to calm down .

You know that the adultery co-conspirator HAD to have been so jealous of that very SPECIAL birthday party your WH threw for you. I can picture her jumping up and down having a meltdown tantrum like a baby...and plotting a way to get something special herself. It wasn't a coincidence that this "hookup" happened the day after this EPIC special birthday event. Your WH was USED that day so that the adultery co-conspirator could make herself feel special...and he probably doesn't even realize it. He FUCKED UP. He can NEVER go back and stop being an IDIOT during that time. But he CAN be the HONORABLE husband that is worthy of you NOW .

THIS birthday is a GREAT start to reclaiming "feeling special" ! Let your WH know that it will be triggery (it will be)...but that you have decided to move forward. Let HIM plan it...ALL of it. Then let him know that the NEXT day will be even more crucial. He can plan something for THAT day too . Then...let ALL the feelings flow. You know the drill unfortunately . But...my DEAR Lady...it will be the beginning of something that will be very SPECIAL . Don't let THEM take this from you...you DESERVE to feel special from your husband for the rest of your life!!!

Underserving posted 9/11/2020 14:16 PM

I so want to get to the place W2BHA is at. I hope I will someday, but Iím not going to rush it. My birthday is in November and I already dread it. Iím almost positive he hooked up with the OW that day, but canít prove it, and he adamantly denies it. Unless I do a polygraph, Iíll never know. I do know she was his first text of the day and he barely acknowledged it was my birthday. Also talked to her on the phone for over an hour. Iíve told him when the time comes to not even acknowledge my birthday, just as he did 4 years ago. I plan on doing something special that day, just for me as a sort of take it back moment, even though I will probably have to force myself to do it. Still deciding what Iím going to do for myself. :)

gmc94 posted 9/11/2020 14:57 PM

I think W2BH is on to something.

It's lizard brain's JOB to protect us from harm, and they can be SUPER good at their job! Once they go into high gear, its astoundingly hard to try and bypass that instinct. To lizard brain, "feeling special" is akin to "giant hyena is running toward me at about 40mph with a VERY hungry look on his face" (or at least that's how it feels to me).

Turning that off is a VERY vulnerable place.

And

I think even a badass sparky goddess unicorn can let herself be vulnerable..... if SHE wants to.

Wintergarden posted 9/11/2020 15:03 PM

I can't imagine ever feeling special again, I can't give him that power. He had it and threw it away. I doubt he even realises the damage is life long. I get where you are, they were in a fantasy world and its hard to ever forget so we can't let them do it again. The walls are up....

Want2BHappyAgain posted 9/11/2020 15:05 PM

t/j

Underserving...at the time where you are in recovery...I definitely was NOT at the place where I am now. Not rushing your recovery is BEST .

The first few years after Dday I thought that my H and the adultery co-conspirator were making plans to meet up for the first time ON my birthday. My birthday was VERY triggery . I found out on this site about the google timeline. When I checked the timeline...I found out THEY actually met several days before my birthday...and the RELIEF I felt at that point was wonderful. Of course...the day they actually met...which was not a triggery date before...became very triggery the next year after I found out!

Have you checked his google timeline for that day? That may be a way to find out. It could also be a way to build trust IF what he says happened on your birthday actually DID happen .

Planning a day for yourself is a GREAT way of healing on that day !

end of t/j

I want to apologize if I came off too strong Chaos. I've watched your journey on here...and I have seen you face things head on and take things BACK. Or...like I like to say...OWN them . I may have gone too far in my reaction to your post though...and I apologize for that.

Unhinged posted 9/11/2020 15:25 PM

*** Posting as a member ***

Iím afraid to let you make me feel special [again]
Chaos, your post certainly struck a chord with me. I'd rephrase the comment, though. Something like: "I'm afraid to accept your love."

I don't know how "special" I feel. I think we all want to feel special ("needing" to feel special is a problem). I know that am I special, especially to me. I mean, I seriously can't imagine my life without me, which make me pretty fucking special.

Allowing someone to make us feel special (which is our own job) is another way of saying we accept someone's love. We allow that person to love us and we allow ourselves to feel loved by their love. It makes us feel special, too.

I know the feeling. I know that sometimes I've looked into my wife's eyes and seen the love she has for me and thought... oh hell no! Don't you dare put those irresistible hooks out! I'm impervious that shit now!

Thing is, though, I really miss those hooks.

I think W2BH is on to something.
Yep. I read her post a few times, too. Old habit.

Sofarsogood posted 9/11/2020 15:34 PM

All those replies really inspire me!! What great advice!

Wintergarden posted 9/11/2020 15:38 PM

I have a friend who recently told me she feels sorry I no longer have that special relationship. I am grateful to have experienced it but know in my heart it's gone and replaced with survival. The weird thing she said was that if we didn't have 'something' we would be going our separate ways. Food for thought. Chaos we are still there..

dancin-gal posted 9/11/2020 15:45 PM

I am going to say you are special and your H needs to make you feel special.. we all have mountains to conquer.. feeling special is a big one . And it is small steps but feeling special is important! .you have to let that trigger fade !
During my WSís A he treated the OW like a Queen ..limos top restaurants, $150 plus for bottles champagne and caviar ( not all the time but enough) .. I got the 50 dollar bottle of wine .. no caviar.. one of the things we are working on is my self esteem and rebuilding it .. WS surprised me recently and got a limo , champagne and we went to a restaurant that we discovered last year and that we both loved .. making new memories , yes he got a limo for OW , but he also got one for me .. new and better memories for him, he went the extra mile .. to make me feel special and wasnít cheap with me .. let your H work on making you feel special .. it feels so nice .. 😊
My WS also was with her on our Anniversary took her on a business trip to Europe.. and was with her on my birthday .. bought her a present .. I didnít even get a phone call .. so you can reclaim your birthday .. and feeling special..

[This message edited by dancin-gal at 3:53 PM, September 11th (Friday)]

Chaos posted 9/11/2020 16:27 PM

Yíall are awesome!

W2BH - you didnít come on too strong. You did give this BASGU a motivational kick in the pants. And much to ponder. You also made me smile. Because I know from WH (who admitted what he did that day) and OBS (who said she came home that weekend in a bad mood) that your description of the tantrum was apt. Yeah - laughing as I typed that.

GTeamReboot posted 9/11/2020 16:34 PM

This year FWH did almost all the planning for my birthday. Thebway the timing worked out, we had a close friend gathering on what was the day before my ďantiversaryĒ - the day the vows died. (Less than a week after my bday ). He was aware of this and I know he felt the timing would help. A way to reclaim it for me. He did a good job, we had a perfect afternoon. I warned him that the next day would still be hard, especially that following night since it happened late at night. I was a mess all day. His patience with my misery had worn thin by that night which kinda sucked. But overall it was a good step.

When Iím scrolling and I notice a bunch of capitalized words I think ďOh good, W2BHA is here! We are about to all get a pep talk!!Ē She makes great points here. Letís talk about it our triggers.... and then letís make a game plan to conquer them - when we feel ready, may take a few times, wonít be easy, may even have to hurt a lot in order to work through it. But we deserve that.

OrdinaryDude posted 9/11/2020 18:48 PM

I can totally relate to your initial statement Chaos, I get it.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 6:49 PM, September 11th (Friday)]

Brew3x posted 9/11/2020 19:09 PM

Readers Digest Backstory: After DDay1 I clawed my way back to bad ass. Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn level bad ass


I feel like I missed an inside joke. You get in shape or something?

Chaos posted 9/11/2020 19:36 PM

Brew3x - yeah you did. But it OK. I've always been in excellent shape. I'm a blonde goddess that's always been called a modern day Marilyn.

Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn [BASGU for short] is a state of being. It is essentially uber confidence.

I clawed myself back to being confident. I clawed myself back to owning my own space. I clawed myself back to walking into any room like I owned it. I clawed myself back to being Chaos.

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