Sometimes I feel like a blind man trying to cross a busy 10-lane freeway, not sure which way to go, not sure if I should stop walk or run... I can't even see what's in front of me so feeling like I will never be able to get to the other side...
Hello everyone,
I'm going to try to be brief with the introduction: I'm a WS, been with my wife for 30+ years (generally a happy marriage, financially stable), children are practically young adults. Dday was 3.5 months ago. It was not an affair, I saw a prostitute for about 2 years, no emotional connection.
I've been doing the following since Dday:
- Bought and read several books about Infidelity recovery.
- Listened to a lot of online materials (Samuel from Affair Recovery, Esther Perel, Hasani from Couples Academy, etc.), still listening to all those youtube videos everyday, some clips several times.
- Been in IC for over 2 months (still am)
- I was transparent about it, told my wife everything (answering all her questions even though I knew some of questions were more damaging than helping, more on that later)
- About a month after DDay (after doing a lot of research including the thread "Things that every WS needs to know" in this forum), I finally understood that I had to "own it", I stopped blaming (things that drove me to it like porn addiction, midlife crisis, etc.) and accepted/admitted that I selfishly made the bad choice to satisfy my own desire. I've been haunted with the remorse of my unfaithful action that caused the trauma for my wife and I'm hoping on the right track to help easing the pain.
- I've changed all my routines, just work and be there for her. I've been taking over all tasks and chores around the home so she doesn't need to lift a finger as I know she's drained of all energy. I've quit all my activities (hobbies, sports, etc.) so I can devote my time to be there for my wife, helping her to deal with this trauma.
- I've been trying to be extremely patience with all her outburst episodes (even when she gets a bit physical, frequently). I constantly apologize to her for all the pain that I caused her.
I understand that it's going to take a long, long time (years) for things to get even a little bit better, and probably much longer in our case because my wife refuses to get any kind of help (IC, couple therapy, etc.) she just wants to soak it in and deal with it herself (not talking to anyone). It's her choice and I can't do much about it (I made suggestions a couple of times about seeing therapy together and the suggestions triggered her to explode with anger both times).
I know it would be extremely selfish of me to wish for things to get better soon, and I'm not expecting that. It just feel a bit exhausting because despite all my effort I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, and I feel more like we're going backward, getting worse everyday, not better.
I think I know what I need to continue doing (confirmed by couselor in IC). But I also need to constantly reminding myself of being patience, it's a mess I created so I deserve to live in hell to pay for it.
I just want to vent a little because from time to time I feel so lost, so alone, and so exhausting... Vent over, back to work...
Thanks for reading