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Hutch posted 9/18/2020 18:25 PM

Hi Thumos,

I, like you, waited to divorce when my younger son turned 18 and finished HS. I can tell you this. Telling them was the hardest thing I have ever done. It broke my heart to do it. I can't say they were shocked as my EX and I were separated over two years, but still, kids always want their parents together. If my boys honestly look back, they remember how it was living under that roof with my EX, but ultimately they love my EX. He is their dad and that will never change. As it should be. They have to work through their struggles and form their relationships with him as young men.

You'll figure out the "technical" parts of divorce. In my opinion figuring out how to navigate a way that is best for your kids will be the hardest. As a parent your heart literally breaks when they are hurting. Both of kids struggled in their own ways. My older (20) keeps a lot in and he processes in silence. When he's ready to talk he does. And he did. He was angry and hurt, but he handled it relatively well. He now accepts two households and the fact that he has a separate relationship with myself and his dad. My younger son (18) is much more emotional and expressive. His hurt manifested in anger. He is still angry and makes comments from time to time. The comments are hurtful and make me very sad. He is still close to me but has been more distant than ever. I pray and keep hopeful that he will be okay. He feels lost from all of this and I understand. The life they knew has vanished and it's hard to accept that. Your kids may go through the same emotions. Just be there for them the best you can be.

To me, that will be the hardest part to navigate. I can honestly say when I made up my mind to divorce, I felt a weight immediately lifted. When it was final, I felt a huge burden lift and I felt free. I have other concerns as you can imagine; starting over is good but it can be scary. At least for me. I'm proud I have a home on my own and I support myself, but then again, I am by myself. I'm okay now. I needed this time. But I would be lying if I say I'm not interested in finding a companion one day. I think we all feel that at some point.

So best advice...I'm terrible at taking my own advice at times...allow yourself to go through the process. Be there for your kids, help them the best you can because it will be hard on them no matter the age, and let yourself breathe and heal.

Hope this helps some.

[This message edited by Hutch at 6:29 PM, September 18th (Friday)]

BrokenheartedUK posted 9/19/2020 15:58 PM

It was almost exactly four years ago this week that my WW commenced her three month affair with a friend of mine.
So much has changed since then. I feel I'm on the right path toward D now and have clarity

The clarity really is the key. For me it came in a bolt of lightning when I realized that my Ex had continued to violate the NC rule.

And SI very much helped me with that. There was a thread early on in my time here about boundaries and consequences and it fortified my determination to hold to those consequences. It's quite something to take guidance here, but there can be moments of profound wisdom.

As for telling the kids, for my kids having seen me fall apart during the R phase, there was a relief. And the fact that I could pull myself out of what felt and looked like a nosedive I think underscored that. My kids actually got me back in the process and I would say that my relationships with all of my kids even improved as a result of the D.

As for whether or not getting a D means that you no longer think about the A... that's a more complicated answer. The resounding relief of not having to be the marriage police was huge. And the detachment when you separate is helpful. I still think about it from time to time. Especially around Dday. But it doesn't hurt in the way it did when I had to look at my Ex's face every day. I do get triggered, I think we all do still, and I accept that. In the end though it was the perspective and clarity of time/distance/IC that I could see the A in the holistic context of the relationship. In other words, his A wasn't an aberration/one off moment of weakness... it was the result of endemic emotional immaturity, entitlement and conflict avoidance. Honestly, the writing was always on the wall but I couldn't read it until long afterwards. You will too.

Browsing41 posted 9/22/2020 10:46 AM

Hi Thumos,
I have been following your thread. When you told us your adulterous wife was reading here I thought she would finally understand what it would take to possibly save your marriage. It appears that hasn't happened.

Did she ever read your thread, if so did she have anything to say about it? Did you notice any changes with her at all sense she's read it.

[This message edited by Browsing41 at 1:05 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

ShutterHappy posted 9/22/2020 21:49 PM

how often do you think about your XWS's betrayal and infidelity know that you have cleaved the pair bond and moved on?

D day for me was winter of 1998... but I donít remember the date, not even the month. Maybe itís old age hahaha... wait, thatís not funny.

You canít really go wrong with D. I firmly believe that a key aspect of D, is to put your XWS in the rear view mirror, stop thinking about him/her and move on to an happy life.

I do feel that thereís anger in your posts. I hope it will fade away... This is what I have learned over the years after my D :

If I stay angry at my XWW, she wins. Iím living in that anger, not her.

If I keep on thinking about my XWW, she wins. Why does she deserve so much of my ďmind real estateĒ?

Your STBXWW doesnít deserve you. My XWW didnít deserve me either.

You know, maybe I donít remember my DDay date because itís not important.

I hope you will find peace.

Stinger posted 9/23/2020 08:21 AM

I think about it some,but it does not bother me. My kids are all grown,now. I have a good life.

I wonder, Thumos, if you knew fairly early on that this was going to be a dealbreaker, regardless of whatever measures your wife would have taken.

For me, I just knew I am not the type to get past this if I stayed. I think my XW knew this about me, too. She made one or two overtures re reconciling, but I am sure she could see the futility.

KingofNothing posted 9/28/2020 12:20 PM

Just to clear up a loose thread I wasn't sure had been addressed, did you ever have that often delayed discussion of the affair with your son? Has he relegated it to a side matter now that he has formed a brand new peer group at his new school, and you've sort of dodged the bullet, or did this already happen and I've missed it under the mountain of posting?

Thumos posted 9/28/2020 13:16 PM

Itís a side issue bc of new friends group. Dodged the bullet.

Of course Iím divorcing WW so Iím going to have to have a painful convo with him soon. Just trying to think thru the sequence and timing for that.

Also had advice to get him in counseling BEFORE D process gets rolling so heís used to that setting and sharing his feelings with a therapist in advance of us telling him.

But thereís still the fact that he asked me point blank so I think he needs to know something regarding that situation with his friend.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:16 PM, September 28th (Monday)]

Thumos posted 9/28/2020 13:19 PM

Hi Thumos,
I have been following your thread. When you told us your adulterous wife was reading here I thought she would finally understand what it would take to possibly save your marriage. It appears that hasn't happened.
Did she ever read your thread, if so did she have anything to say about it? Did you notice any changes with her at all sense she's read it.

She did read some of it. I donít know if sheís reading this one. Her reaction to reading the first part was to accept it at face value but she also started quibbling/defending on some things. Iím kind of talked out on it with her so I donít engage much other than to tell her when Iím flooding or feeling depressed or angry or sad. I no longer hide that from her.

Buffer posted 9/29/2020 03:09 AM

What is she arguing about? She cheated big time

Thumos posted 9/29/2020 19:00 PM

Sheís not arguing much because I just donít really provide the opportunity.

Things like:

ďI wanted to go on trips and go to concerts before too.Ē - except when I tried to plan those things in the past I never got very far

Or sheís arguing Iím blowing things out of proportion ó such as when she told me my attitude toward sex was immature because I could not grasp that her affair sex was ďmeaninglessĒ

she says that was said in anger once and she didnít mean it. Problem is I revisited these and other statements with her over several months and she stuck by them.

Or how she tried to tear down the professionalism of the polygraph examiner and blamed her failure on anxiety. I told her this was a moot point because the polygraph was merely the capstone for a lot of other failures and I wasnít laying this at the feet of that in any case.

Lots of other examples.

Anyway itís all water under the bridge for me. I have to admit this stuff just goes in one ear and out the other for me now. I donít engage.

Because Iím done.

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