I'm wondering if you start on the disclosure side with "everything" and then remove things you may NOT want to know?
I'm in the "everything" camp. I've said it a ton of times, but the sexual acts that I DO know about are not the ones that give me unmanageable mind movies or obsessive thoughts (except for kissing, which I think is really about his hypocrisy and not so much the actual act) . TBH, some of the sexual details were actually pretty laughable. Some hurt like hell, but have been processed and are quite manageable. It is - still - the unknown that haunts me. And - we are all different. I can understand folks who don't want to know the sexual stuff. That's just not me - never was, never will be.
I honestly don't understand the IC/MC who act as gatekeepers on information to the BS. I've read of CSATs who believe the WS should not even tell the BS the identity of the APs, unless it's someone the BS may know. I call absolute bullshit on that. I find it patronizing and condescending. I sure as hell would have a HUGE problem if I changed jobs and discover my new coworker was a former AP, but that identity was not disclosed bc at the time of disclosure I didn't know her.
If you are someone who wants sexual information, you should get it - whether or not the IC/MC agrees. You are an adult and you get to choose that for yourself. Personally, I am a big advocate of doing a timeline with all the gory sex - every single bit. And then they can take that document and do a 2nd disclosure that's been sanitized and is what you get at the formal disclosure. This way if you change you mind and want to know more sexual details, that information is already prepared and ready to go.
And I agree with Sissoon as to the dealbreakers. Sorry about the graphic nature, but what if, for instance, anal is a dealbreaker for you? If it is, then that needs to be communicated and answered, sooner vs later.
As to the non-sexual information I wanted, I found an old post where I listed out a ton of stuff (I hope I didn't violate some SI rule, but I did bump it for you - in reconciliation, called something like "best questions to ask" ). Personally, I don't think the BS should be submitting questions for the initial disclosure (more on that below). To me, the WS needs to purge EVERYTHING, and the point of the formal disclosure with the IC/MC is for the BS to ask any additional questions that arise in light of the information shared formally. In addition to the "basics" of who, what (sex, dinners, gifts, etc), where, and when, it came down to some basic themes/categories:
* how much were things planned/premeditated from beginning to end,
* how much of my space, my private life, and our children's lives were shared with a complete stranger w/o my consent,
* how removed he was from having any conscience about potential exposure and the hurt he was causing to me, the kids, the BSO, etc., and
* how he felt about various aspects of his choices and the steps he took to bring them to fruition - both at the time and post dday.
Finally, I am a firm believer that the disclosure is not "just" for the BS. IMO it is JUST as - if not MORE - important that the WS go through the exercise of re-living and remembering all of the steps they took. Each and every though & action of betrayal. Not for them to sit in shame, but to really SEE the person they became in their A. WS are cursed/blessed with some serious cognitive dissonance. They are able to truly believe they are "good" people while engaging in super hurtful and destructive thoughts & behaviors. IMO, unless and until they are able to truly and completely confront & own all of that, they are not safe partners. And this is why I really do think it's important that they do a written disclosure of all sexual details - whether or not they are ever shared with the BS. It's another way to take the shine off of all of it. It's a way of taking away the excitement (and power/control) of keeping secrets in their heads, cuz even if the BS doesn't ever see it, the IC/MC/CSAT will - there is another human being to which the WS has had to be fully accountable.
As to boundaries, I think Chaos has a great start. Mine included NEVER being alone with another woman w/o my knowledge (a boundary my WH has repeatedly broken - another reason I've not committed to R with him).
[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:41 PM, August 2nd, 2020 (Sunday)]