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Ok, here goes. Don't be me.

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99problems posted 7/18/2020 23:00 PM

Hello all,(wall of text incoming)

I'm writing this as a way to get it out of my brain, to see it all together. Maybe someone will read it and realize that they are on the wrong path, or the right path. I also hope it brings me just the tiniest bit closer to a closure of this awful chapter of my life.

I disappeared off this forum in early 2017, foolishly thinking that I was on the road to a successful R. I have quite a few posts to that effect. My STBXW had done some of the first steps to R, we went through 6~months of MC (bad idea) and it seemed our marriage was a better version of the one that we had had before the DDays. There was some good times, some seemingly heartfelt discussions, some nice family vacations, etc.

Boy was I wrong.

She told me multiple times as a condition of staying married that she would enter IC. She never did. I told her multiple times that our marriage would be destroyed forever if she did not do what she needed to do to heal. She never listened.

I became despondent and convinced that we would not last. The marriage flailed, sex basically stopped about 2 years ago. She got a much better job as an administrator of a healthcare facility and worked constantly, while I ended up quitting my job and being a SAHD at the beginning of the covid scare. I had lost interest in babysitting her digital life and told her that I was beginning to feel cold and uninterested in saving our marriage since she could not do the most basic things she had promised.

During the lockdown, she became angry with me and said that the kid(7) and I were spending too much time indoors playing video games together. I agreed that we did, but also replied that since everything was closed, including the damn playground, that at least we were doing a good job of quarantining and not getting coronavirus.
A week later we were alone and I started talking about our relationship and the problems we were having. She said, "I'm not sure i can do this with you anymore, you don't seem happy, and I'm enjoying my life so much." I said, "Really? After all the work we initally started, and you didn't follow through, you just want to end this now?" I explained that i was extremely depressed and had put zero effort into the marriage for a long time because of her not meeting her end of the bargain,(which was that she get IC or I divorce her) and that I was sure that she would be cheating on me again soon. She denied this and promised to go to IC again. I told her, "I'll believe it when I see it."

On Father's day (two days after previous conversation) she said, "I think I'm going to visit my father's grave." I immediately knew this was bullshit, as she never did visit it once in the previous 5 years since he died and acted totally terrified of the idea when I had brought it up before. I played along.

Then I pulled up some of the monitoring software that she had agreed to have installed on her phone as a condition of the marriage continuing.

She drove to the graveyard but never stopped there, then drove to a different location.
she stayed there for 2 hours. Left her phone in the car (she knew i could access audio and video from her phone).

I watched and watched. When she got in the car, she kissed a man goodbye and said "I love you."

I waited for to get home. I said, "Hey, so why were you at this address the whole time you were gone, which is nowhere near the graveyard?"

She said, "Oh, I just kept driving around, thinking about stuff." I then showed her the video. She said, "Oh i hoped you wouldn't find out." I asked her who the man was. She said she would not tell me. I said ,"Well if you think I'm sticking around for this shit you are crazy, I'm 100% done." She didn't respond.

I went inside and spent the rest of Fathers day with my daughter. She skulked around like the pathetic piece of shit that she is. I also realized who the man is from the address, an employee(!) of hers who is also a piece of shit and left his own kids in another state and does not have his own car. My wife had wanted me to sell my old car to this man but I never did because I had a strange feeling about him.

I put the kid to bed and said to her, "Well, now what? This marriage is over to me."
She said ILYBINILWY and I screamed "Fuck this shit, I'm leaving." and i left. I own another house that my mother rents from me and I went straight there and haven't left since.

She has never said another word about the divorce, except to acknowledge that it's happening and talk about the details.

I dug into her text messages that evening to see evidence of the shitshow.. She had been seeing multiple men for about 9 months and bragging with it to her co-workers. Complaining about our sex life to the point that they bought her a dildo for her birthday and congratulated her for cheating on me. She really fell for this guy though, and talked about him a lot. I didn't, thankfully, have to read any texts between her and him because she used some other platform for all of that.

I lost it when she went to a party two days after we separated and her new boyfriend gave her cocaine for the first time. (I learned this by having access to her texts from my computer, even after the separation, a truly bad idea) i texted her "So now you are a coke whore? We are going to have fun in court." I wish that I hadn't texted her that. It is not smart to do when preparing for divorce, I know. I have since refrained from texting her any thing besides one word responses.

I then shut down and deleted all of the apps and changed all her passwords to random shit so I couldn't access them anymore. I don't need to or care about what she's up to at all.
I got everything I cared about the most from the house and moved it into my other house (we own 2, my mom has been renting one of them, the STBXW pressured me to sell it for years but I always had a feeling i needed a backup plan) the next day. I am done with this shit. The lawyer has been consulted, papers are being filed, I am already in IC. Fucking done.
I am pissed off at myself. I cant believe i put myself through 3.5 years of absolute hell. Why? I need to figure out why i would do that. No more!

A coworker of ours (STBXW and I worked about a year together at a healthcare facility) contacted me at the end of last week. She told me about other acts of infidelity, that she would brag about to my coworkers. She cheated on me with coworkers of mine! She gave a little masturbation show to two of my coworkers at once. There is no end to the depravity of this woman. She has made a cruel mockery of our marriage and our friendship. This set back my healing even further. I was cleaning out the garage looking for things of mine to move out and found a love letter from a coworker from 2013 or 14, the first job she got after our daughter was born!!! She has always been this way, the marriage was a total sham. I have actually lost count of the # of AP's since 2014, but it's above 10... I want to fucking throw up.

I wish so desperately that i could go full NC for her for the rest of time(cannot due to 7yo DD). I could never imagine how bad this could be. I knew she was a bad wife, but now I think she is like a horror movie villain.

I live in a no-fault state. All of the evidence i saved over the years of infidelity is worthless. I'm still going to fight for everything i can get, she makes 6 figures and I make nothing (SAHD, remember). I think she will not quibble about custody, as she works a lot, but who knows. I have learned not to think that I know anything real about this woman. After 11 years, I know nothing, absolutely nothing.

I have lost 35 pounds, (I was pretty fat, not eating right, drinking too much) not eating except protein shakes and vitamins, not sleeping too well yet but taking supplements for that.. I have stopped drinking alcohol. Was taking the kid to the pool for 6 hours and going on a hike daily until...

The STBX calls and says she's sick. This is right after her facility had a patient test positive for Covid. My kid is at her house. I go and get her right away, and we agree that she stays with me until she gets test results. Two days later she texts "Can i get the kid? I feel fine." I say no, that we need test results and that that is irresponsible. she agrees.

Sunday she calls crying and says she's positive. Great. Now me and the kid have to get tested. (we did on Monday) And we get to be stuck in the fucking house again. This lady is the gift that keeps on giving. Now my mom is sick too. its likely that our test will be positive.(update, we tested negative, YAY)

If I was sent back in time and given the choice to either marry this woman or stick my manhood in a blender, I'd pick the blender.

And yes, I'm getting a STD test. Already had one back in 2016... luckily i wasn't too interested in throwing my hot dog down that hallway in the last 3 years.

At the same time that this post oozes bitterness and anger...
I'm looking forward to getting my life back. My friends, my family, my music and reading, control of my stuff. She did everything she could to drive a wedge between my life and me, and I let her succeed! And I think that that is the main reason she is finally leaving, because I asserted myself in the last year and demanded that I have time to do some things that I liked. She did not like that at all.

I have some rebuilding to do. But it will be so much more rewarding than sitting around a miserable house in limbo with a psycho.

I am doing a self-compassion workshop. It all sounds like bullshit right now but im going to stick with it, as I heal I am sure it will begin to make more sense. I know I tend to beat myself up internally to a point that is not good for me or my remaining family.

I also realize that the level of anger I have is going to eat me alive. I am working on it. I will continue to work on it. Forgiveness though? Doubtful. Maybe I can forgive myself for being so damn stupid.(hence the username) That would be great.

Do not waste your life pining away for somebody that will throw you in the trashcan with less concern than an old banana peel. It is quite emphatically not worth it at all.

3greatkids posted 7/19/2020 07:21 AM

Iím so sorry. Thereís an extra special place in hell for unremorseful serial cheaters!

Please get a custody agreement going ASAP, you donít want her using you leaving your child against you. I would do everything in my power not to have your child go back to staying with someone so unstable and unsafe and with covid exposure.

I really hope neither of you get sick as an extra shitty bonus you donít deserve.

While I know that hindsight is 20/20, at least you know you gave it everything to try for your marriage. You put yourself through hell because you are a good, decent person trying to uphold marriage vows that meant something to you. Hold your head high, and now give it everything for your divorce and future.

[This message edited by 3greatkids at 7:24 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

99problems posted 7/19/2020 08:14 AM

My lawyer said that since we own both the houses that they are both considered family homes and since the kid was born and lived in the house that I love in now that that shouldn't be a problem with custody. Also I have had the kid at my house 95% of the time since separation. Thank you for the kind words and agree about a special place in hell.

Hedwig posted 7/19/2020 11:04 AM

Good to see you post, I remember you from another thread.

Your STBEXW sounds like a real piece of work. Glad you're getting out! I'm happy for you the covid tests were negative.

Stick with the self-compassion workshop, you will need that to stop blaming yourself for everything that happened. Good that you're going to IC, it's a lot of trauma you're going to have to process. You know the deal: eat well, stay off the alcohol and I think you mentioned already getting some help with sleeping. Take care of you, post and read here often, I hope you have some good friends you can rely on.

ETA: my wexbf never went to IC either, which was one of the conditions I had set for R. It took me a year and a half before realizing I was not going to wait around anymore. Sometimes it takes a while for us not to take their crap anymore and it's especially hard when they do some of the things we ask, because it keeps us stuck on the hopium

[This message edited by Hedwig at 11:06 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

Muggle posted 7/19/2020 12:16 PM

At the same time that this post oozes bitterness and anger...
I'm looking forward to getting my life back. My friends, my family, my music and reading, control of my stuff. She did everything she could to drive a wedge between my life and me, and I let her succeed

I think this statement is important. You have something to look forward to. NOTHING in life prepares you for what she did to you. It defies logic, compassion and obeys no rules that normal people play by.

I'm glad you've come to a decision that she's not a healthy person and you can't "fix" her. She made this abysmal mess and you were left to survive it. I say "survive" because that's what it feels like.

None of us had any say or control over what happened to us. The manipulationship we had with our partners sucked us into the worst experiences we've likely ever had. It takes a lot to come back from the pain, bitterness and devastation heaped upon us. The ONLY part we have control over is how long or how we let it hurt us.

I know your experience was exhausting mentally and physically because most of us have experienced many of the same things.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Expect some highs and plenty of lows while you adjust. Don't dwell on the things you can't change, but focus on your daughter and yourself.

This is now in your rear view window. Don't look back, just forward. Only good things there, and this too shall pass in time.

If you can get an IC or someone to talk to on a regular basis. It will help keep you in the present and healing is faster with good coping mechanisms.

Keep all your communications by email, short and to the point as you are in the early stages of this and things can blow up easily. This leaves a paper trail and unless your daughter is in mortal danger, go NC for everything other than an emergency.

Hang in there...and keep posting, it's a good outlet to get ideas and you aren't alone.

99problems posted 7/19/2020 12:59 PM

So today, I go to drop her off at MIL house. Mil texts on the way over, saying " can you bring her over to stbxw's?" I say sure, although I don't relish seeing the she-demon in her natural habitat.
I get there. We wait. I text stbxw "are you coming". No reply. I call MIL. She says "I'm in the hospital, I haven't talked to stbxw". I call stbxw a few more times. I text her, " I'm not waiting here all day".
No response. I waited 90 minutes (kid was playing w the neighbor, she's missed her so I let it happen). No response.
Now 2 1/2 hrs later. Haven't heard a peep.
My DD doesnt have a real mom.

Outoflove2020 posted 7/19/2020 15:44 PM

Idiot, your DD is lucky to have you as a Dad. Try to focus on that. Be the secure, safe, stable parent. As a child of divorce, I can say with 100% certainty that my mum was that for me under similar circumstances which you are describing. I carry that with me even as an adult now. And I'm so grateful and thankful to her for that. I always felt safe. I know exactly who my real dad was, but not due to anything my mum said or did. Purely down to his actions.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this shit show again. NC NC NC.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/20/2020 14:23 PM

SOmetimes , it just takes people a different amount of time to get to the stage of true growth. You tried, but your WW didn't want to. The disrespect she had for you is tantamount. She didn't just have affairs, she was trying to ruin your life. All that she was doing was to embarrass and ruin you. Even though, its a no fault state, her behavior would not sit well with any family court judge. Coke, masterbation show with 2 dudes, multiple affair partners. Custody is a different issue than division of property, and you should seek counsel.

As a SAHD, she is going to have to pay you. You will get alimony and child support. You can bank on that. You will get your child most of the time, and that is the real prize. Let your ex go. She is a worthless whore. Take care of yourself and your kid. Get into IC, your next chapter is just beginning and it can only get better from here on out.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/20/2020 17:34 PM

I would only add to this:

She didn't just have affairs, she was trying to ruin your life.

that she was trying to ruin her own life. You will be free of this bullshit - she will have to live with it. Maybe someday she will figure it out, maybe she won't, but you will be free of the train-wreck that will continue to be her life until she fixes her shit, if ever.

I'm sorry you were ever here (and it made me bristle that some of what you said about your false R reminded me of my own) - but I'm not sorry that you are getting out of it.

99problems posted 7/20/2020 18:31 PM

Thanks everybody. She got served D papers today! At work! I thought you had to pay extra for that service. :)
The sooner the better...

99problems posted 7/26/2020 23:40 PM

Ok. Latest developments...
She now calls me at least every two nights to pick a fight. I've learned to just block her number until she passes out from Ambien and booze. Then she's all out of fight in the morning. The fights are about custody and money exclusively.
I've been reading about covert narcissism and it's revolutionized the way I see our marital history and our interactions. It's like a puzzle piece I've been missing has finally snapped into place. She fits the bill 110%.
It's made dealing with her and her bullshit so much easier for me. And I'm feeling much more empowered to just let this shit go and worry about me for the first time in so long.
Whoo hoo for me! I am actually surviving divorce and feeling okay about it!

tinlizzie posted 7/26/2020 23:46 PM

"Red wine and Ambien, You're talking shit again" - John Mayer

99problems posted 7/27/2020 07:56 AM

Wow, that's a real song lyric? Holy moly.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/27/2020 08:03 AM

IMS, your STBXWW is a special one.

Do you know if any of her extracurriculars were with current co-workers or at work? If you have evidence of this, or have witnesses, she may be more willing to negotiate in order to not have any of these things become recorded, or exposed to her employer.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/27/2020 14:23 PM

If your WW is picking fights, do it via text. Let her mouth off. That will set her up to lose in court. Remember, keep your Enemies close. If she is willing to go crazy in text, you get to use that against her in the D.

Think about strategy, b/c it will help you with custody and support.

99problems posted 7/28/2020 11:53 AM

So this morning is going great. I had to put my 17 yo cat to sleep, so I took my 7yo DD with me and explained what was happening. We cried and cried together, then gathered the cat from stbxww's house and said goodbye to him. A fucking wasp stung me on the way into the place. Jesus.

99problems posted 7/31/2020 11:17 AM

Tigersrule,

IMS, your STBXWW is a special one.

Do you know if any of her extracurriculars were with current co-workers or at work? If you have evidence of this, or have witnesses, she may be more willing to negotiate in order to not have any of these things become recorded, or exposed to her employer

Her current bf and last AP is her *employee*. All 10 or so of the aps I know about were co-workers. 2 of them were also my co-workers(I no longer work at that place)
I want cs and alimony, and the only way I get it is if she keeps making that sweet sweet moolah. If that wasn't the case I'd already have contacted her corporate office and had her job by now. But I'm into playing the waiting game on this one. The house I got needs a lot of work(luckily I'm pretty handy)and I do not have any great career opportunities at this moment in time. That will change after I go to nursing school, which I plan on doing as soon as the divorce is final.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 11:20 AM, July 31st, 2020 (Friday)]

99problems posted 7/31/2020 11:22 AM

I think I will try to leverage those things in the settlement, however. I do have people who would testify against her.

J707 posted 7/31/2020 12:23 PM

If you do reply to her texts about children or finances, keep your side clean as if a judge was reading it. Replies, only if needed to, should be cut and dry. Keep it short. If she is a covert narc like you say, she will keep trying to derail the topic on hand. Stay on track. I failed a few times as my ex knew how to push my buttons but once I stayed on track it became easier. Ignore unnecessary bullshit. Post here instead if needed.

J707 posted 7/31/2020 12:31 PM

Book recommendation:

The Passive aggressive Covert Narcissist
By Debbie Mirza

A very good read. It opened my eyes to who I was dealing with

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