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Hello, first post here...

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

HellFire posted 7/12/2020 16:57 PM

Keep coming back. Kudos. I'm sure the things you have read have been difficult. That you come back,shows potential. This site is invaluable.

You have heard from a doctor who performs pap smears. You now know Std testing is not something that is automatic. You have yet to respond about the danger your wife is in,when it comes to her health. This is something you can not ignore.

You said your therapist is pro marriage,in non abusive situations. Sir, infidelity is abuse. In all forms. And,considering the risk you have caused to your wife's health..extreme abuse.

It sounds like you think the OW is basically to stupid to figure out social media, and find a way to contact your wife. I think you are in denial. You consider yourself an intelligent, educated man. However, this woman played you. So she's not as stupid as you think. Or, you aren't as smart as you believe.

prissy4lyfe posted 7/12/2020 17:00 PM

What if your wife doesn't want to be with a cheater?

Your therapist is Pro marriage..that's about you and what you want.
You want an affair...so you have one. But didn't offer your wife the option of getting some in the side.

Maybe her mental health would have improved if she was having Ferrari sex with someone who wanted nothing more than to talk/be with her.

You want your marriage...so your keeping it. But won't offer your wife the same option of deciding IF she wants to keep the marriage.

Maybe she doesn't want to be married to a man who sleeps with meth addicts without protection.

If your junking Esther (and you should) junk the therapist. How disgusting and unethical for her to encourage you to continue to live a dishonest life where you continue to steal your wife's agency. Why are you paying someone who encourages you to be the lowest form of yourself?

You are still locked in the fog because you a professional encouraging it.

EllieKMAS posted 7/12/2020 17:10 PM

TELL YOUR WIFE. YOU OWE HER THE TRUTH ABOUT THE MAN SHE IS MARRIED TO. YOU OWE HER THE OPTION TO MAKE AN INFORMED CHOICE ABOUT HER OWN LIFE.

If you don't, then tbh NO other work you're doing means squat because you are still actively lying to her face every single day. That's called white-knuckling and it rarely ends pleasantly. And IMHO any therapist that is actively discouraging you from coming clean 100% is not doing you any favors in the long run.

And sorry but I'm calling bullshit on the "OW is too stupid to use social media". People will always find the means when it matters to them. The truth always outs somehow. Always. This will be horrible no matter what, but it will be way worse if your wife finds out by accident. She needs to find this out from you. Not the OW. Not by suddenly contracting an STD. You're gambling here and forgetting that the house almost always wins.

I read that you are in the 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' school of thinking with regards to your wife and that thinking needs to change. How can you expect to live authentically and make all these changes without honesty?

gmc94 posted 7/12/2020 17:13 PM

I would add Janis Spring's "After the Affair" to that list of BS blaming. This one may have more of a split among SI members. Some here on SI liked it, I felt there was a lot of BS blaming. However, I love her book "How Can I Ever Forgive You", and recommend it to anyone (not just those impacted by infidelity).

I appreciate that you have an IC whom you respect and feel you are getting a lot from. That's good. However, telling your wife MUST become a goal for you - and one that is wholly supported by your IC. We are all as sick as our secrets - and no amount of therapy will change that reality. IOW, you are still a wayward so long as you are keeping the secret. Even if you are NC with your AP for the rest of your life, you are still abusing your wife by keeping this secret, as well as blocking your own path to change. I do not believe it is possible for a WS to EVER truly heal & change unless & until they have come clean to their BS. Indeed, a post on the Gottman Institute's site says:

"Honesty and Full Disclosure..... There canít be anymore secrets and the cheater must confess. While full disclosure is painful, it allows for transparency, verification, and vulnerability.

And as far as your wife finding out later.... You may THINK you know your AP.... but I'd bet that there are a ton of WS here on SI who thought the same - and learned just how wrong they were the hard way. My WH would be one of them. And there is also the stripper/sex worker angle on this front. At some point, your AP may find herself too old to strip and in need of some cash. There is this thing called blackmail, probably been around as long as the "oldest profession" that your AP is engaged in.

And if you choose to delete all evidence of the A and your BW finds out about it later? That is bad. Real bad.

there is a thread in "I can Relate" for those who found out years later. Check out how much of an additional clusterfuck that is. Having an A is the denial of your spouse's very reality. Keeping it a secret - even if you have ended the A - just continues that. Most BS will see all of that time as living a lie. At this point, you are talking about nearly 3 years of her reality being wiped out. Every minute you keep the secret is a minute you continue to deny that reality.

Or read up from the BS who found out after their WS died. Some pretty painful stories there.

And nothing in your reply addresses the significant and serious issue of your BW's physical health and NEED to get a full STD panel of tests. Or the concept of reaching out to her mental health team and finding a way to come clean with their help.

junebug65000 posted 7/12/2020 19:02 PM

On July 11th you posted:

"And yes, Iíve been tested. And my wife gets regular paps and tests. All negative."

You and ESPECIALLY YOUR WIFE need to be tested for HPV 16 and 18 NOW. No more delays. No more excuses.

The health and safety of your wife and the future of your children should be your main concern. Loosing your wife to cancer is not worth your effort towards protecting your infidelity.

You cannot bring back a life that is, or can be, lost.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 7/12/2020 22:09 PM

Whatís comical is that you call your AP a Ferrari but you are her checkbook. Iím sure one reason you were pissed your BW got pregnant was because it would take time and money from your affair. I suspect the AP was going to try the baby thing with you but that didnít pan out for her the last 2 times so you managed to convince her to have an abortion to maintain your fun lifestyle. I suspect like me your BW is having mental problems because of the shitty treatment she gets from you. My husband was in a LTA and his AP fantasized about being me so they both enjoyed when he would vent on me which I was oblivious to at the time. I just couldnít figure out why he was increasingly cruel to me. I was suicidal not that he gave a shit with all the gaslighting. Guess what? Iím mentally fine now that I have the missing puzzle pieces. Guess what else he was shocked when he discovered how many lies that ď Ferrari ď fed him. Iím sure yours lets you test drive her whenever she wants to go on a trip or needs rent money but remember sheís not in love sheís letting plenty of other guys drive her around she just comes back to the sucker when cash is low. Soon she will start compiling her pictures and details to encourage your wife to kick you to the curb because sheís tired of waiting. I hope sheís a better stepmom than mother. My WHs piece of trash told me she was taking my husband after I found out. She was pissed he didnít run to her. She had her bags packed so it was an eye opener when he wanted to work on the marriage. She was pissed. The only thing that somewhat kept her in check was the fact she needed her plan B husband. Her family also knew about the affair and condoned it. Her BH was clueless. So she started spilling all he secrets my BH husband told her hoping I would hand him to her. Your ďFerrari ď is going to go ape shit. You deserve it.

Risewithredhair posted 7/13/2020 01:24 AM

Youíve been given much good advice here so I wonít revisit those topics. You may want to research the effects that a woman with borderline personality disorder can have on a man during an affair. It sounds like your AP might be a borderline and youíve been through many love-bomb, devalue, discard cycles with her. What you arenít seeing is that no matter what she says to you, she goes through this same cycle with all the men in her life. She made you feel ďspecialĒ but she makes all the men in her life feel that way, at least for a little bit.

If you can frame your AP correctly, you might be able to see yourself clearly and then start working on the issues that attracted you to such a wounded person.

MrsWalloped posted 7/13/2020 06:42 AM

Please know Iím reading every response on here and Iím trying to do the right thing.

Unless the right thing means telling your wife, I guess.

I wish, wish, wish, someone would have slapped me and dragged me by my hair to my BH for me to confess my A before he found out. No one did, I didnít and he found out. Please be honest with us at least, weíre anonymous. Is it not upsetting your therapist youíre really concerned with, or that your life will blow up if you tell?

Whatever. Iím going back to my comment about how you are not even in the same galaxy as remorse, no matter what you tell yourself, as long as you keep your wife in the dark. Someone who is truly remorseful would understand that it will be painful for your BW but also understand that she deserves to know and that itís the right thing to do and fully accept the consequences and outcome of telling. Until you do that, the rest is pointless.

Edited to add: This is coming from someone who was a total mess after DDay, totally into self-preservation, broke NC, was stupid in my thinking while knowing that my life as I knew it was destroyed because I destroyed it. So I understand the thinking and desire to not tell, but it doesnít change the fact that itís the right thing to do and your wife deserves to know. Any other rationalization you come up with to not tell is nothing but pure selfishness.

[This message edited by MrsWalloped at 8:25 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 7/13/2020 08:27 AM

So you miss your paid hooker/GF/AP terribly and you don't want to tell your BW. You then went out and found a therapist that will tell you what you want to hear to justify your cheating.

Yes, all us WH's were dragged into these affairs unwittingly and we just couldn't resist the advances of the AP as you so eloquently describe in your OP.

And certainly having the great sex you paid for was all understandable and by all means if your BW stays none the wiser then even better.

Except it doesn't work that way. I broke things off with my AP. I was actually working myself up to tell my BW, I was even in IC already, AND my AP went full on nuclear on my BW. Yup, my AP felt entitled and thought if only she could separate me from my BW then she can live the good life again on my dime. So be prepared for that shit storm when it happens.

BluerThanBlue posted 7/13/2020 10:50 AM

BW, here. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Iím not going to hammer you over the head with moral bludgeons, since that doesnít seem to get through to you anyway.

Iím just going to reiterate that you donít have a choice about telling your wife because you will be outted by someone eventually.

You exercised no discretion in this affair. Youíre relying on not only your unstable affair partner to remain silent, but also her family, her friends, and anybody else you confided in, knew, or ran into when you were flagrantly having a relationship and running around publicly throughout your affair.

Youíve also spent a considerable amount of money in this relationship and thereís probably a paper trail of receipts, phone records, gifts, photos, emails, letters, and text messages from here to Timbuktu.

You are NOT living in reality and neither are your therapists (assuming you actually told them the whole story) if you and they think that this is realistically a secret you can take to the grave.

The best decision you can make (ie, the least shitty choice currently available to you) is a full disclosure to your wife accompanied by a detailed timeline of your affair and with support from her nearest and dearest. Offer her a generous postnuptial agreement if she will consider reconciliation or a generous divorce settlement if she doesnít.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:58 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

SilverStar posted 7/13/2020 13:39 PM

Not telling your wife is keeping her in a cage of lies. It is morally offensive. She cannot reconcile with you if she doesn't know what she is reconciling to. What you want to do is rug sweep. You wanted your relationship with OW and now you want no discomfort or consequence. You made this mess. You have treated your wife and children horribly. If you want to fix it, build your house on rock, not sand.

You do not want to tell your wife because of her mental health, or because you realize she may choose to move on without you? That could be her choice - after an affair spanning years, I bet she's ready for some Ferrari sex with a man who loves only her and who will be present and there for her children, and maybe give her that fourth child she wants so much.

Evertrying posted 7/13/2020 15:07 PM

The OW is excessively paranoid and does not use social media of any kind. I will say that she is HIGHLY disorganized and unable to perform the minimum level of basic research, but nevertheless the risk stands.

Wow. A drug addict stripper that doesn't have the ability to perform a basic google search. Gee. She sounds like a real winner,,,,

I am sorry and there is no stop sign here so here goes:

Every one of your posts is you making excuses for everything, and then when you see one of us point out your fucked up logic, you post another excuse.

I am sorry but you have built a nasty web of deceit and will have a long hard road to recovery, but you are going to have to stop making excuses and start making the hard decisions that right now you don't want to make. You want this to vanish into thin air with YOU paying no consequences for what you have done.

TELL YOU WIFE. she has the RIGHT to know and then can make her own decisions about her life and whether or not she wants you in it. Stay in IC. You need it. NEVER, EVER have any more contact with your AP. The hurt you are feeling from withdrawl is a direct result of what YOU CREATED. Grow up. You sound like a 15 yr old.

Sorry this is harsh, but at least you have made the first step and came here for help. That's a good start, so keep coming back and really listen to what people here have to say. A lot of them have been through exactly what you are going through and will have good, solid advice for you. BUT, you have to listen to them!

DevastatedDee posted 7/13/2020 15:32 PM

She's sex to you and you're a wallet to her. This shit is not romantic. This is bottom-dwelling garbage that happens all the time.

My XWH was pretty into that kind of train-wreck woman too. I have had pre-cancerous cells removed due to HPV since leaving him. Pretty sure I know where I got HPV. Your wife could literally die of cancer due to your actions. That might be enough to make you really feel remorse, but lets not let things go that far, shall we?

HFSSC posted 7/13/2020 15:45 PM

My parents have been married 60 years. My mom has mental illness. She has bipolar disorder and some sort of personality disorder. She was unmedicated and out of control for most of my childhood and adolescence. My dad was always our rock. He kept our family somewhat stable. He never, ever spoke against my mom. Was never unkind or cruel to her no matter how cruel and abusive she could be to him.

He now has dementia. They both do, but his is progressing much faster than hers. 2 years ago, after a marathon session of her grilling him about whether he had ever cheated on her he exploded and told her of years of cheating. It blew our family up. My mom had to be hospitalized because we were so afraid of what she might do. To herself, to him, or both.

We have no way of finding out the truth. Half the time he can't remember why she is so mad at him. One thing he did tell my mom is that he had sought counseling with our pastor who urged him to never, ever tell (my mom). Well, that worked out great. Because instead of coming clean when They were young and could participate in counseling, or D and move on with their lives, they are in a hell that is unimaginable and my siblings and I are there with them.


I'm sure he planned to carry this to his grave. Too bad his mind quit working first.

hardtomove posted 7/13/2020 16:44 PM

INAPPROPRIATE COMMENT

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:22 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

hardtomove posted 7/13/2020 16:50 PM

INAPPROPRIATE COMMENT

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:23 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

gmc94 posted 7/13/2020 17:05 PM

HFSSC - I'm so sorry for having to cope with that trainwreck with your parents. Your story should be Exhibit A to ANY and ALL waywards who tell themselves it's a secret they can keep to their grave....

And FWIW, my dad was a pastor and after dday he once said that he'd counseled folks who had cut off the A and were working to change they should not tell the BS. We damn near had a screaming match about it. I should ask if my situation has changed his mind.....

That perspective was very common back in the day. I do believe it has, for the most part, changed. I suspect the research of Peggy Vaughan and Shirley Glass had a thing or two to do with that.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:08 PM, July 13th, 2020 (Monday)]

dancin-gal posted 7/13/2020 21:02 PM

I read your post and it was so similar.. in so many ways with what I just experienced.. for the past 19 yrs .. my WSís affair was a long distance A but for 14 months it was an addictive A for him ., when I found out he ended the A .. but it started up again 8 months later .. and I discovered it again last year ., I realize that you feel you canít tell your wife, but please do speak to her Doctors about telling her .. Honesty is the cornerstone of recovery.. Your wife may be stronger than you give her credit for .. my gut felling is that she may suspect ..my WS left clues all around .. that once I put it all together it added up to an Intense affair .. this last DDay same OW .. he was so careful .. my gut told me .. but had no proof .. others have given you some great information .on reading material . another person that I respected before her death was Peggy Vaughn.. she offered great advice . She wrote books and had a site Dear Peggy ..

20yrsagoBS posted 7/13/2020 21:41 PM

I just wanted to hop in here an mention that what you are experiencing is in no way remorse. Regret? Possibly

Marrying a fragile soul, being a weak man, only able to attract a bottom dweller for an AP, take a good look at yourself.


Pretend you're a magical unicorn with rainbows blasting from your butthole, your AP isn't street trash, but a goddess.


Pretend your wife isn't ill. Now picture telling her.


Nope. You're still screwed. You need to find an IC who will tell the truth to you, blank honesty. Until then, you're living in Fantasyland.


ibonnie posted 7/14/2020 12:33 PM

You should check out Hamilton's post, "I just found out my husband had an affair 25 years ago," over on the Just Found Out Forum.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 7:01 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

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