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Hello, first post here...

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whatwas1thinking posted 7/10/2020 22:37 PM

Hello all,

I found this site today and am so thankful. Let me preface what Iím about to say that Iím coming from a place of remorse. I accept full responsibility for what Iíve done and am looking to heal. I come here with an open mind and open heart and want to improve myself, my marriage and other relationships in my life.

Thereís a lot to this story, so Iíll try to just stick to the relevant points. But Iím an open book, so ask awayÖ.A little background - Iím a 43 year old male, married 19 years to my high school sweetheart. 3 school aged children. In the fall of 2015 I was offered a job 2,000 miles away from my home in TX. Iím an obnoxiously proud Texan, so I would have rather moved to Baghdad than New England, but the job was a definite career advancement opportunity. I am very comfortable traveling - Iíve traveled much of the world and greatly enjoy it, but there is a difference between visiting a place and living there. But I never, ever felt settled being so far away from home, in a place so far from TX. I quickly grew to resent New England.Summer 2017 my wife becomes pregnant with our fourth child. A lot of history here, but important points are as follows - I really, really did not want to have another child. Our marriage was already strained with the move, I had grown to regret my decision to accept this job as it was excessively stressful and I thought the idea of being pregnant with no support for 2,000 miles was a horrible idea. I made this clear to my wife who nevertheless insisted that she wanted another child. Of course I know how babies are made and am obviously a contributing party to creating this child, so itís not like I didnít know what I was up to when she got pregnant.Unfortunately we lost the baby somewhere around 11 to 12 weeks. My wife was absolutely devastated. At a time when we should have grown closer we actually drifted further apart.Not long after that I met the OW. She is about as opposite of me as can be. Iím well educated, very stable, no drug/alcohol, Wall Street guy with solid relationships and well regarded by my peers. Sheís a stripper, former/recovering drug addict, daily pot smoker, ex husband in jail, sheís been in jail numerous times, had her two children taken from her, high school drop out, family has effectively disowned her, brother wonít talk to her, paranoid as hell, very few friendsÖ. you get the idea. When she met me I was at the lowest point I can recall. My job was mentally and emotionally exhausting, I resented my wife for pressuring me to have a fourth child, our marriage had steadily grown distant over the years, I missed home and it was getting cold and dark outside. I was looking to fill a gap, a void in my life. Again - I accept all responsibility for what I did here. No one forced this relationship on me, and I could have chosen to deal with my frustration/anxiety in a different way.The OW soon realized I wasnít interested in another lap dance, I was interested in escaping my reality and exploring a friendship/quasi-relationship with her. In my feeble little mind I thought I could have a innocent-ish relationship with her. Of course Iíd never sleep with her - my wife was the only sexual partner Iíd ever had, and I absolutely, positively would NEVER cross that line. I made it clear to her that I was indeed married - no duplicity there. But this woman fawned over me and made it clear she wanted to explore a relationship with me. And I found the attention and admiration absolutely intoxicating. She was gorgeous, loved my accent and told me she couldnít believe a guy like me was seriously interested in a woman like her. I rationalized what I was doing by attempting to help her. I understand the fallacy of my thinking, but I thought that this woman was like the discount plants on sale at Home Depot. You know, the shriveled up ones on sale for 80 percent off? With just a little water, some sun and the right environment that plant will bloom and be strong, healthy and beautiful, right? If I give this woman some encouragement, some love and attention, help her think about life in a new way and help her set some goals for herself, I could play a part in her transformation to a new woman! I wouldnít ask for anything, in return (especially not sex, Iím not that kind of guy). Just the appreciation that I played a role in her newly created life. However, she had other plans. She very quickly pursued me sexually. I resisted and told her I canít do that - Iím married. Of course, Iím at her house, laying in her bed with her when I tell her this. But I resist for several months. However we gradually begin to cross a few lines. First a kiss. Then touching. Etc, etc. I keep going back because I find the sexual advances of this beautiful woman so enticing. Here I am alone with this sex goddess and sheís trying to get me to have sex with her. Eventually, of course, I cave in. The sex is unlike anything I ever knew existed. Again, only woman Iíve ever slept with was my sweet wife. But thisÖ. If all youíve ever driven was a Toyota Corolla, and one day you are given keys to a Ferrari, itís hard to go back to the Corolla.And hereís the most important thing. This wasnít about the sex. The sex was amazing, but what I craved even more was the intimacy. The closeness, the sharing, the connection. The way I would hold her face and she would cry and tell me about her past life. The way she told me that she had never felt this close to anyone, and that I was the only one she could trust with her deepest secrets. That she loved me for accepting who she was, flaws and all. I saw it as my job to devote myself to this woman.So where was I mentally about my wife during all of this? Well, the guilt was significant at first. Every time Iíd leave her house, Iíd sincerely pray to God that this was the last time - I was never going to go back to see her, and THIS HAD TO STOP. Until she called me and asked me to come back over. Thereís no question that I replaced my wifeís proper place in my heart with this woman. My wife assumed my emotional distance was due to being far from home and hating my job, which was partially true. We grew eve further apart.But I would do anything for this OW. And I was acutely aware of her shortcomings. Lazy, disorganized, highly volatile, ungrounded, etc. I saw these as opportunities for growth. Iíve since learned that people really have to want to help themselves. Otherwise Iím pushing on a string.Long story short, this affair went on for two and a half years. It escalated to her traveling with me to just about everywhere I went. Weíve been to baseball games, concerts, just about every restaurant and coffee shop there is. Iíve moved her apartment 5 times, become acquainted with her parents and children, picked her up from jail, taken her to doctorís appointments, cleaned up her vomit off the carpet when she was sick. We were a couple, effectively playing house. And all these years she begged, BEGGED me to leave my wife for her. But I never could, and I told her as much. Weíd break up, sheíd go with some other guy and I was devastated. I seriously contemplated leaving my wife, as the pain of separation was just too strong. But after a while sheíd dump that guy, call me up, apologize and swear she had to have me. That she would rather be with me, even if I remained married than go through life without me. This cycle has happened three or four times. And every time weíd break up, I took it a little bit harder.As of today, weíre broken up. But something happened this last time. She got pregnant by this other guy. At first, I thought it was mine, but the math didnít add up. I knew it was his. She wanted me to get her pregnant, but when she figured out it wasnít mine she had an abortion. Iíll skip the political debate here, but Iím pretty sure this contributed to what Iím about to say next.A few days later, after feeling relief that I hadnít impregnated this woman, I had an absolute emotional breakdown. Please understand that Im about as steady as they come. Highly disciplined (except for having an affair) and usually very in control of my emotions, But this sadness/pain/anxiety was absolutely overwhelming. I couldnít get out of bed. My dear wife said ďI donít know what to do with you, but this isnít good. You need to go home.Ē So here I am, back in Texas, away from my wife and kids.So what does my wife know? Very little. She believes Iíve had a panic attack due to my separation from family, overstressed work and years of pent up frustration in our relationship. She does not know about the OW. At the VERY strong urging of my therapist (I finally had to seek out professional help and medication) I have been advised to not tell her about the affair. My wife has spent some significant time in psychiatric wards for unrelated issues. Her finding out about this would put her at great risk to herself. So, why am I writing? Because I feel guilty about what Iíve done? Not exactly. I feel horrible about what Iíve done. Iíve broken my marital covenant with my wife. Iíve put myself and my family at great danger. Iíve escaped STDs, pregnancy (barely), fist fights with ex boyfriends and other violence. Iíve absolutely destroyed my own moral code. Iíve risked my career, my reputation among friends and family. Iíve spent untold thousands and thousands of dollars on her, and I donít even want to know how much time away from my family I chose to devote to her. None of this is lost on me at all. Iíve done some bad stuff. And I pray to God Iíll never do it again. But I am so sad. The pain of her out of my life has become overwhelming. As crazy as it sounds, I feel absolutely addicted to this woman. Iíve never done any kind of drugs at all, but this MUST be what withdrawals feel like. Every little thing is a trigger - I see her little black car everywhere I turn. Every time I see an Italian restaurant I think of her. Sights, sounds, smells - almost anything imaginable reminds me of her and what is now gone. Every day is gray and lifeless.Again, please understand I donít want to feel this way at all. My logical brain has said I can never go back. That my emotions are deceiving me and that I HAVE to remain committed to my family. This is the role God made me for, not chasing this other woman. I want to love my wife like I used to. I want to be the devoted father I used to be. And in some senses I am. Thank God for my amazing wife. She makes it so much easier to want to go back. But Iím worried that Iíll never forget about what I had with this OW, and that Iíll always compare her to my wife.This pain, while self induced, is intolerable. Iím hurting, Iím miserable and I wish I had never, ever opened this door.Thank you for reading my small tome. Any insight or guidance is greatly welcomed.

Sofarsogood posted 7/10/2020 23:16 PM

Be honest with your wife so she has a choice to possibly look for a partner that will be faithful to her. You made a choice, so she should have the same option.

ibonnie posted 7/10/2020 23:21 PM

1. Pick up "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Lindsay J. MacDonald.

2. Tell your wife.

3. Tell your wife.

4. Tell your wife.

If you're actually serious about staying NC (no contact) with your AP (affair partner), and are truly interested in a chance to save your marriage, you NEED to be honest, for two reasons. Think of your affair as termite damage. Do you slap up new drywall and paint it a pretty color and call it a day? Or do you treat the termite problem, and install new wood beams behind the walls first?

And second, if your AP is as unhinged as you describe and she realizes that THIS IS ACTUALLY IT, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she starts harassing your wife in the hope that she kicks you out and you go straight to your AP. It will be 1000% better if you tell your wife the ENTIRE truth, than to let her discover that way.

Also, we're only as sick as our secrets. You will never truly heal and be the husband your wife deserves if you try to keep this one from her.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 11:23 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

Barbarella1 posted 7/11/2020 02:56 AM

Look up Limerence and understand that you are in a deep fog.
It will pass, it did for my H.
Best of luck

Carissima posted 7/11/2020 03:15 AM

No stop sign.

Tell your wife, this woman deserves to have full knowledge and the the agency to make informed decisions about her life. What gives you the right to do that for her?
More importantly you're wife needs to go for STI testing ASAP. You've been having sex with a woman who's also been having sex with multiple partners, not to mention the fact you thought there could be the possibility of an OC which means it was probably unprotected sex. You were playing Russian roulette with your wife's sexual health without a second thought! It doesn't matter if you've been tested, there are diseases such as HPV that they don't screen men for so she needs to be tested herself.
I'm not sure you do want to be with your wife. I think your wife is the safe option for you, you wouldn't have to own up to your own behaviour if you stay with her. However contrast your reaction to losing your own baby with your wife and your OW aborting another man's child. One destroyed you and it was not losing your own child, in fact you're cold, extremely matter of fact about that.
Are you in fact NC with the OW? Have you deleted all her contact info or are you still following her on social media?
One final thing, if you really want to save your marriage find a new IC - one that specialises in infidelity. This one is doing you no favours.

Lucky77 posted 7/11/2020 09:45 AM

You sir are not this:

Please understand that Im about as steady as they come. Highly disciplined (except for having an affair) and usually very in control of my emotions,

You come on here and offend people who live in New England like Texas is some kind of Eden. I love New England. You can keep your Texas.

You equate the mother of your children to a Toyota Corolla and your piece of shit stripper side piece to a Ferrari. Give me a break.

Pizzatheaction posted 7/11/2020 10:29 AM

No stop sign.

Tell your wife, then she has a chance to make meaningful decisions about HER own life, starting with getting STD tested.

Who knows, she may divorce you and exchange her Corolla for an Aston Martin DB9.

I dont see one iota of remorse in anything you wrote, no consideration of her, and a propensity to blame God and your wife.

This seems fake to me.

pinkpggy posted 7/11/2020 10:29 AM

It's the worst possible feeling. You are in a deep deep hole. You need to block this woman from your life and get lots of help. She is going to ruin anything you have left.

Grieve the loss of the relationship and free yourself. The defining moment for me was when my friend looked at me and asked me if I wanted my life back the told me to take my life back. My affair had taken SO much from me.

It's time to take your life back.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 1:13 PM, July 11th (Saturday)]

Justsomeguy posted 7/11/2020 11:38 AM

I actually had to stop reading your post because there was a point where it got to be just too much. You are at the beginning of this, so it will be tough if you stick around. I see so many post and nail.because they font have the stomach for it. I have only posted in the Wayward forum a handful of times, but here is my take.

You really went for the low hanging fruit when you chose your AP. She is a broken, suffering person looking for a savior. You probably smelled an easy mark when you saw her. Make her feel a bit sorry for you to entice her, suggest that you might be a ticket out of her life, play the victim just enough to draw her in, and boom, you get what you want. Chances are, you like being in a dominant position with her fawning all over you. In fact, my guess is that you get what you want most times. And that's not intimacy you are experiencing, it is a steady stream of adulation coming from the adoring fountain of stripper lady. Real intimacy comes from honesty and vulnerability, which take time. My guess is that you dont do well with that.

Have you ever explored your personality type with a mental health professional? I say this because you said Wall Street and that made me wonder. Certain personality types are over represented in certain professions and knowing yours could help you move forward. Have you ever done IC? How do you feel about it?

Oh, and don't be a jerk. Tell your wife.

veryhurt2018 posted 7/11/2020 12:25 PM

Wow, your post was extremely triggering for me as my H went to prostitutes for 13 years. It sounds like you had the same experience as him, except you didn't pay. Lucky you, my H spent $Hundreds of thousands on what you got for free; a loser sex partner that was "great in bed".

Please tell your wife. Since you were probably having sex with your wife too, she was exposed to all you AP's sexual history. Also, please get tested for STI's.

[This message edited by veryhurt2018 at 12:55 PM, July 11th (Saturday)]

Onlyjan posted 7/11/2020 12:33 PM

Your therapist (the one who advised you not to tell your wife) should not be practicing. Thatís deplorable advice. Your wife has 100 percent been exposed to HPV. 70 percent of adults have a strain of the human papilloma virus (HPV). Your stripper has been having unprotected sex with multiple men. She must have many strains. If your wife thinks youíve only ever been with her, she hasnít been getting PAP screens for HPV. It causes cancer. It could kill her. Several of my friends (in my betrayal trauma group) have contracted HPV from their unfaithful spouses. One of my friends got aggressive cancer that developed very quickly. She was 36 and had to have a hysterectomy and her lymph nodes and cervix removed. You not telling your wife is not just cowardly and irresponsible ó it's evil. Given how broken and what a mess your AP is ó i cant imagine she wouldn't have a cancer-causing strain. My friend (who had a hysgetectomy) was only 36. Couldn't have kids. Could have killed her. Her husband'a affair was muxh shorter (if you can believe him) and only had only bwen 2 ywars earlier, and the cancer had progeeaswd ao quixkly. i cant even believe how you could poaaible juatify not telling her. And if ahe does get rwgular paps and STI screenong ó it will pick up the cancer cells. That would be the other way she will find out about thw affair. And that would be even more damaging. Beyond that ó your actions have veen deplorable. Your poor wife. She meeds honesty so ahe can make choices about her life. Also ó think of your kids. If your wife gets cancer feom you and dies becauae she hasnt been checked in time ó who do you tbjnk tney will blame?

nekonamida posted 7/11/2020 15:30 PM

Obviously I agree with everyone who said to tell your poor wife but I have a few more pieces of advice for you.

Drop this nice guy act immediately. It's not believable in the slightest. Did your wife KNOW that you were at a strip club? Because if not, that's strike number 1 against your fidelity and every other time you've gone without her knowledge and consent is another strike. If your wife would be upset by knowing you've been going to strip clubs behind her back then this is not the first time you've cheated. You've been a wayward since the first time you went to a strip club without her consent.

Of course Iíd never sleep with her - my wife was the only sexual partner Iíd ever had, and I absolutely, positively would NEVER cross that line.

I call bull shit on that. You don't go to a strip club for this:

If I give this woman some encouragement, some love and attention, help her think about life in a new way and help her set some goals for herself, I could play a part in her transformation to a new woman! I wouldnít ask for anything, in return (especially not sex, Iím not that kind of guy). Just the appreciation that I played a role in her newly created life.

You go to the strip club to have fun and be turned on by naked women. You get a lap dance to be felt up by naked women. And if you seriously want anyone to believe you were not looking for sexual fun, then why go and pay all that money in the first place? I'm no stranger to strip clubs so you and I both know it's not cheap and definitely not worth it to have a "meh" experience.

And that's why we have this:

However, she had other plans. She very quickly pursued me sexually. I resisted and told her I canít do that - Iím married. Of course, Iím at her house, laying in her bed with her when I tell her this.

Absolute crap! A man who doesn't want sex declines going over to the house of a woman who is pursuing him in the first place! Ok, so maybe you drew the line at PIV but that sure as hell didn't stop you from allowing this woman to rub all over you at the strip club. That didn't stop you from physically getting in to bed with her. I'm sure there's all sorts of things you've left out - making out, heavy petting, maybe a blow job or two. All strictly platonic and don't count, right? If you find yourself in bed with the person you absolutely DO NOT want to cheat with, you've already made about 100 bad decisions leading up to this point.

Look, if you're not ready to give the OW up, the least you can do is give your wife a divorce. The WORST thing you can do is telling your wife and then later go back to the OW. She will find out. She will be doubly devastated. Your wife deserves better than this crap that you've given her. If you can't remain faithful to her and her alone from this point forward, let her free so that she can find someone who is faithful.

If you're ready to NEVER EVER see the OW again, never text her, block her number, block her social media accounts, and never step foot in a strip club again, pick up a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Schedule yourself an IC appointment. Avoid MC until after you've told your wife and she also commits to R with you. Get some perspective that your journey from good man to cheater started much earlier than the OW. It started when YOU decided to start keeping secrets from your wife and started to resent her for issues you did not give her the chance to address and fix with you. Be prepared to accept months, perhaps years, of pain, lashing out, repeated questions about the A and the strip clubs, and to accept hearing her pain without anger and defensiveness on your part. Be ready for her mental health to take a major hit and for her to need another hospitalization. Remember - you chose this path and you are now responsible for the fall out so don't complain about it. Take responsibility for it and do so with some humility and empathy for the people you've hurt.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/11/2020 16:22 PM

Did your therapist give you a reason as to why you shouldn't confess to your wife? Was it because you said she has been in psych wards? If you think she will harm herself, then you need to come clean to someone that is close to her (friend or nearby family member) so they can be there for her. She shouldn't be alone, but she also shouldn't be kept in the dark any longer.

You compared your wife, mother of your children to a $20,000 car. While the drug loving jail bird stripper to a $200,000+ car. Your amazing wife makes it so much easier to want to go back?!?!?

The pain of her out of my life has become overwhelming.

This should read "the pain that I know I have caused my wife and to my children has become overwhelming."

If you want to be a KISA, then be one to your wife. Protect her from you. Tell her the truth today.

HellFire posted 7/11/2020 17:02 PM

My wife has spent some significant time in psychiatric wards for unrelated issues. Her finding out about this would put her at great risk to herself.

You didn't care about any of this when you were getting off. Why now?


This OW will tell your wife. It's only a matter of time. She will either tell her because you won't come back when she calls,or she will tell her because you come bavk,and refuse to divorce your wife. We've seen it a million times here. And your OW is exactly the kind who wi tell, and will enjoy doing it in the most painful way.

You need to tell her. You owe her that. And, as mentioned, her life is at stake. Are you going to continue being a coward? Or are you going to work to become a good man? A good man tells his wife, so she can be tested. So she can make decisions for her life.

I'm sure you are feeling worse having read these comments. Here's the thing. You should. Because everyone is right. If you have a decent home in your body,you know that.

Waywards often compare their AP to drugs,and going NC to withdraw. You are not special in this regard. Recovery can happen. But it will be excruciating. If you want to be a good man,you have to behave like a good man. Start now.

Oh. And this? Man, I have been a member here for years. New waywards say the most ridiculous,atrocious things. But THIS? Is the most offensive yet.

If all youíve ever driven was a Toyota Corolla, and one day you are given keys to a Ferrari, itís hard to go back to the Corolla.


First, your wife is so far above this stripper who rolled around in the mud with you. If you think this stripper is better than your faithful, loving, good wife, then maybe the kindest thing to do is divorce your wife. But tell her the truth so she can get tested.

Carissima posted 7/11/2020 17:42 PM

I just wanted to add there's no way this won't come out some way some day.
You took this OW everywhere with you, you don't think your colleagues, your friends noticed your plus one for this 2.5 years, although it may be accepted as part of your workplace culture.
I agree the likelihood of your OW contacting your wife is high. I actually think you'd quite like it because it'd take all the responsibility of oh you doing it.
Your wife may also take a look at your finances and wonder where those thousands and thousands of dollars went.
You say you're posting from a place of remorse, I really don't see it, maybe shame but I don't even see guilt, not even for the time spent with her kids instead of your own.
I guess we'll see if you ever come back.
You may want to ask for a stop sign if you're not ready to hear from BS going forward.

whatwas1thinking posted 7/11/2020 18:41 PM

Wow. Perhaps Iím in the wrong place. As I wrote numerous times, I am looking for help and healing for my wife, myself and my marriage. The guidance I have received from not one, but two professional therapists (PhDs), (one of which is Gottman trained) have both very strongly urged me to NOT disclose to my wife. In my attempts at brevity I left out some details of her specific situation. I donít know if any of you have spent time with your spouse after they have been admitted to a psych ward. I donít know if youíve seen your spouse begin to hurt themselves as they believe they are speaking directly with God and doing his will. I donít know if any of you have ever come home from work every day, hoping and praying that you donít find one of your precious children drowned in a bathtub. For years. But I have. I realize that when I chose to have an affair, I put her mental and physical wellbeing at risk. I canít undo that decision - I would if I could. But I have to make what I believe is the best decision moving forward for everyone involved, primarily my wife. I have spent dozens of hours with these therapists to devise a plan that will ensure my wifeís health and safety. If you wish to offer your opinion based on a few paragraphs of my writing then please do so - thatís what I asked for. Iím a big boy and can handle the feedback.Apparently my attempts at subtle humor were unwarranted when discussing such a serious topic. For this, I am sorry. New England is not any worse than any other place in the world. It is beautiful and has many wonderful things which can be said about it. But it simply is not my home. And due to my transgressions there, I am now having flashbacks and extreme anxiety anytime I travel through there. And my analogy of a Corolla and Ferrari was again incomplete and misguided - I was talking about the sexual aspect of our relationship only. And certainly not the comparative worth of my wife to a vehicle costing multiples more. And truth be told, a Corolla is in many ways superior to a Ferrari - far more dependable, comfortable, easy to maintain, longer lasting, etc. But this is beside the point. Again, a silly analogy designed to highlight the sexual awakening that occurred between me and the OW, but a poor analogy. Again, sorry.The loss of my own child was absolutely devastating to me, I can assure you. In fact this was the biggest turning point in our relationship as we were both deeply grieving. But again for the sake of brevity I didnít elaborate on my own suffering here. My point was simply that this event drove my wife and I even further apart.Yes, I knew what I was getting myself into by walking into a strip club. I wasnít going in for the chicken wings or beer. And I know that while I was in her bed and we progressed from talking to kissing to touching to XYZ that I had already left my marriage. Iím not so naive to that that PIV is the ONLY way to cheat. Iím fully aware of this and NEVER said otherwise. In my mind anytime I do something with another woman that I wouldnít want to do in front of her Iíve done something wrong. I get that.How I got to the point of cheating is a long story - Iím working on understanding that now. And in reality it doesnít matter, as at the end of the day I did the most disastrous thing I could - to my wife, to God, to myself. I will likely spend years with therapists to uncover what led me to this point. And I am willing to put in whatever work is necessary to ensure it never happens again.But my intention to reaching out to this board was to seek some guidance or support in my current emotional state, which is one of overwhelming sadness. Yes, I realize this sounds EXCESSIVELY self centered, given what I have done. I realize that if anyone deserves to feel ANY sense of sadness/hurt/etc it is my innocent wife. I donít know how much clearer I can be about this. Iíve never professed to be a saint here. Iím merely stating that my current mental state is such that I am stuck in a quagmire. I donít want to be here. I donít want to pine after this OW, who I know will lead me and my family to disaster. But a meth addict doesnít want to have their addiction either. They want the high but not the consequences. And I donít know how else to say this, but I am suffering withdrawals from this OW and I donít know how to handle it. But I am asking for help.I need to get over myself so I can get on with the work necessary to fix ME and make sure I never do this again. Since my post last night, I have found ďMaiaís Withdrawal Survival Guide (repost for newbieís). This post was apparently started several years ago and has been bumped for 20 pages. THIS is the kind of guidance and help I was looking for. Additionally Iíve poured through Esther Perelís ďState of AffairsĒ and today just finished Shirley Glassís ďNot Just FriendsĒ. Tonight I will crack open Gottmanís ďWhy Marriages Succeed or FailĒ to be followed up with Gary Thomasís ďSacred MarriageĒ. Yes, I am serious about this. Yes, I want to do the right thing. Iím not looking for ANY sympathy, as I donít feel I deserve it. But I do recognize this inability in myself to let go of something which I know will hurt me and everyone I love. I hope and pray that I can overcome this absolutely irrational response and truly progress down the road to recoveryÖ. Thank you very much.

And yes, Iíve been tested. And my wife gets regular paps and tests. All negative.

landclark posted 7/11/2020 18:44 PM

If all youíve ever driven was a Toyota Corolla, and one day you are given keys to a Ferrari, itís hard to go back to the Corolla.

This is so funny to me. So this AP, who clearly was trying to trap herself a man, who cheated on you, tried to trap you with pregnancy, is a Ferrari to you? If thatís the case, your loyal, sweet wife is a Rolls Royce, man. You totally affaired down. Lol

Tell your wife about everything and see how fast you go from Corolla status to AMC Pacer.

But cars aside, you messed up, and messed up bad, and continue to put your wifeís health at risk. If you care about her and your kids at all, you will come clean. Also you need to get a new IC because wow.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/11/2020 18:47 PM

I'm just going to comment about the tests. While women do get regular paps done, other tests for STDs don't regularly happen unless needed. She has to ask to be tested for those. They don't just test to test.

landclark posted 7/11/2020 18:53 PM

Exactly what LD said. Also sometimes they donít even do paps annually. I think I am on a every two or three year cycle now.

HellFire posted 7/11/2020 18:59 PM

Before each pap, a woman is asked if she is in a monogamous relationship, and if she feels she needs to be tested. If your wife says she is,and she does not,there will be no testing.

You are still avoiding the loose cannon. The OW. She will tell your wife. You have mentioned how desperate and erratic she is. Do you feel she won't, because of some sense of loyalty to you? You know how quickly loyalty can disappear. You are gambling. And you will lose.

And,no. You actually are in the very best place if you want to become a better man. What you won't get, are ego kibbles. People won't pat you on the back, and sugarcoat for you. Some of the very best people on this site are former waywards. You would be wise to listen.

And Esther Perel? She's a quack. You would do yourself a favor to stop reading anything she has written.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:01 PM, July 11th (Saturday)]

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