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No kids

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traicionada posted 7/11/2020 10:19 AM

Remaining solely for the kids is never a good idea.

In my 20s, I was child-free by circumstance; the XH had a complicated genetic history. By the time the divorce and annulment dust was settled, I was in my early 30's and made the choice to remain child-free

I ended an otherwise healthy relationship with a great guy because he wanted children and I didn't Good news! Great guy is now happily married to someone who also wants children

phmh posted 7/11/2020 11:02 AM

I believe that most people should leave their cheating spouse. I believe it even more so when there are no kids, because you can go full NC, which helps in healing. When I was first going through this, I read dozens of books on infidelity, brain function, narcissists, etc., and it was pretty clear that people can't really change who they are. Had you asked me even 1 month before D-Day, I would have told you my WXH was my best friend, we were the perfect couple everyone envied, etc.

I was 33 at D-Day, he'd been my only, I'd just put him through med school/residency/fellowship, we traveled to Europe 3-4 times a year, volunteered together, and life was looking amazing. We did everything together, he was my best friend, and I was so in love with him. We were CFBC (he'd also had vasectomy), no money problems, pretty much never fought. Life was perfect.

And then he cheated, because that's who he is. He tried to manage his impulses, but he only could for 13 years. Your husband is a cheater. It is very likely that he will cheat again. You set yourself up for much greater happiness by finding it now and leaving the cheater, then dealing with another D-Day 1, 5, 20 years down the road.

For me, I spent about 4 years dating casually, made a ton of friends, and made a great life for myself. When I wasn't looking, I met the man who has been my SO for the past nearly 5 years. Things are so much better with him than they ever were with my WXH. I had no idea life could be so great! Cheaters usually have other unpleasant personality traits (otherwise they wouldn't have it in them to cheat), that I just didn't see at the time, but being with a man who truly values me, who has never cheated in a relationship, and is a giver instead of a taker (we both are givers) is revelatory.

It's your life. Lots of people disagree with me, especially on SI. The best advice I received was on a different forum where a posted told me "you are the parent of your future self" - it really made me think. What would I tell a friend in my situation. What did I want my life to look like in 5 years? My WXH wanted to reconcile. It was so hard to say no. I still loved him the day I divorced. But it's the best thing I could ever have done.

Best of luck to you as you make this decision. It super sucks that he put you in this position. Please take care of yourself, get tested for STDs, drink water, and put yourself first.

ShutterHappy posted 7/11/2020 12:06 PM

We don't have children and don't want them

What about YOU? Is this a decision you took to support your WH, or this is how you feel? Imagine you were to D and remarry a great guy. Would children be a possibility?

Ascott58 posted 7/14/2020 21:27 PM

No. I don't want children at all!

Serenity2019 posted 7/28/2020 11:56 AM

Hello.

I also don't have kids. I have been with my H for 9 years and I was 26 (now 27) when I found out about the affair.

I was told many times that there was no reason for me to stay. That this would be a great time for me to leave and start over.

Literally the day before I found out, I told my husband that I would never forgive him if he ever cheated on me. We were talking about someone we knew who had been cheated on. I firmly believed that, but the moment I found out I was confused.

Unfortunately, and contrary to what I believed, when someone cheats on you you don't just stop loving them.

Before making a decision I told myself that I was going to give myself some time to process the situation and really think about what I wanted.

There were many layers to why I decided to stay but ultimately it was because I had been genuinely happy in the relationship. He is a good person and I know that he is genuinely sorry. I truly believe that his cheating had nothing to do with me.

There are no excuses for cheating. But I do believe his reasons "why".

Unfortunately, this experience has brought about many necessary changes for us. He has changed in many ways (not every way, but no one is perfect). Since D day almost 15 months ago he has consistently shown me that he loves me and that he wants us and loves me more than even before.

I would not stay if he continued cheating or if he made me doubt for one second that he didn't want me.

I love him enough to give him a chance to prove himself and heal while maintaining that I love myself more and will leave the moment that I feel disrespected again.

Anyway. If it feels right for you it feels right for you. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Everyone's story is so unique.

Thumos posted 7/28/2020 12:04 PM

So I feel like I should leave because we don't have kids. Im still young, no kids, so why stay?

Agreed. No kids. Leave. Start a new life.

He had a sexual and emotional relationship with another woman for half a year.

Anyone with kids is telling you the same thing. Leave.

Stinger posted 7/28/2020 12:47 PM

I think a lot of us did not know what to do. I have to speak hypothetically, as my XW had nomdesire to reconcile, at least until a few years post divorce and I was having none of it by then.

I think it takes time for some people to realize what he or she can live with. For me, after the initial shock wore off, I realized that I was never going to let it go, ever( which is out of character for me). I resent my XW to this day, decades later.

Apparently, some folks can let it go, though. Look inside and give yourself adequate time to see.

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