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is this real?

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KingofNothing posted 7/10/2020 13:10 PM

Slapped you twice? That is completely unacceptable. Brother, go get yourself a discrete voice activated recorder (VAR). There are some excellent low cost options with extended batteries and an SD Chip for 8 gb storage. Keep this with you 100% of the time. Whenever you talk to her (which should be minimal now), turn that recorder on. If she is referring to you being angry at her cheating on you as "emotional abuse", guess what? She's setting you up to take the fall for a trumped up DV charge. You must not allow this. Work on the list of assetts, secure your finances, consult a lawyer. Be sure to mention that she is hitting you. See what he says about the dissolution with that factor involved. Mention you don't feel comfortable about the ex con child sexual predator being near your family too.

Best of luck. YOU ARE IN CONTROL now, she is reacting TO YOU. This is the way. Never relinquish it, understand that your wife is shifting her mindset to become your adversary. Don't let her spread lies and a false narrative of abuse. Protect yourself constantly, she will screw you, and not in the fun way.

subverted posted 7/23/2020 06:20 AM

Back with an update.

Marriage counseling has gotten a bit better. I also got myself a counselor.

We are still together on the merry go round. Some days i lay into her, hard. I have found out that they actually met twice. Im guessing some kind of sexual activity went on. Even tho she denies. Cries when the topic is brought up and reminds me i dont need to know every detail. Just like the whole second meeting ive found out about was a mi or detail...lol.. He actually i guess and i believe it, asked her for gas money she said no and he dropped her off with no ride. This was months ago and im just now learning if it.

We are working on the realationship. I tried to leave yesterday while my 4 year old stood in the driveway waving....i couldnt do it.

She says she wants me and its true. I want her and i think its true...

But my anger rly pushes our chances further. Going to contine to try 180 and see if i can just ignore her when there are lashing outs. I went out for a few hours after work yesterday and she grew quite upset as usual. Lots of texts from her about how miss behaved thr kids are. And that the kids disrespect her, and respect me, because they see me disrespect her! This is what rly set the fight off yesterday. This and also the gaslighting on me being the crazy one. Nevermind the one oining off for a con.

However i do have some good news to share....the AP got caught forcibly breaking into a residence. So hes no longer in the picture.....made me happy. Dont think shes too happy that her good friend will be getting a very long habitual stay in the joint. (If hes convicted. Hes in jail now. She called and asked lol)

Im going to try and salvage any last vestiges of our marriage I can be happy with this s
Women. This is not like her charachter at all. In the end if she never changes and i leave. At least i can say to my kids that i tried.

Im going to keep reminding myself.... i cannot control the outcome or her actions...only my own.


She has told me some fucked up things. Like "you would of cheated on me if i was fat" or "im not going to let some women have my new buff man that i put 15 yeara of work into to perfect." Or "what if tou found someone who you really care for and cant stop your feelings for (then she says, im not talking about my sitsuation by the way!) I bet you would have left me...."

[This message edited by subverted at 6:28 AM, July 23rd (Thursday)]

Bor9455 posted 7/23/2020 10:09 AM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:25 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Lalagirl posted 7/23/2020 11:08 AM

So hes no longer in the picture

That's all fine and dandy, but is she doing the work to be a safe partner? Given your update, she is not. Which means that the door is wide open for her broken self to have an A (or more) with other men. If you think that she's not capable because she got caught with this AP, you're sadly mistaken.

She called and asked

Why? That's a form of breaking NC.

Going to contine to try 180 and see if i can just ignore her when there are lashing outs.

The 180 isn't something you turn off and on at will and given the circumstances.

Seems like she's getting away with a lot.

Remember, kids are smart little beings and they are witness to this shitshow. It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

You say you have an IC. Please ask him/her why you tolerate this emotional abuse. Ask for help to build your self esteem.

Westway posted 7/23/2020 11:28 AM

Deleted

[This message edited by Westway at 11:28 AM, July 23rd (Thursday)]

subverted posted 7/23/2020 12:10 PM

The problem is...i dont rly have anywhere to go. And if i did im not walking out on my kids.

Going to have to weather the storm i suppose

beenthereinco posted 7/23/2020 12:39 PM

Hi subverted,
I guess I'm glad you can see humor in this situation. I'm afraid I cannot. All I see is sadness for you now and in the future. I'm not sure why you have it in your head that your kids can't be healthy with divorced parents. There are many people on this board that can tell you otherwise. Staying for your children, when your WW clearly is a bad mother and disrespects you mightily, is not doing them a favor in my opinion. You have resigned yourself to life with a woman that doesn't love you, physically and emotionally abuses you, and really doesn't sound like a good mother. Again, I find nothing funny there. Good luck to you but I don't see how you take any solace in the fact that you get to keep your wife only because the POSOM is in jail. I don't know how you ever relax. She'll find another willing AP soon.

RocketRaccoon posted 7/24/2020 02:24 AM

Red flags below.

I have found out that they actually met twice.
- Lying by omission

reminds me i dont need to know every detail.
- Trying to control you. YOU decide what YOU need to know.

the kids disrespect her, and respect me, because they see me disrespect her!
- Blame-shifting (if she really was a good mother, it would not matter if you were disrespecting her or not, they would still respect her)

She called and asked lol
- Still thinking of her boyfriend.

Basically, your WW is in no way a suitable candidate for R at the moment. Unless she does a dramatic change (with consistent and repeated actions to back up her words), there is little chance that you will be able to have a successful R.

In my mind, the biggest issue here (apart from the lies), is that she is still concerned about her AP. I mean, she actually called up to check if he was in jail?!?!?

A truly remorseful WS would not care what happens to their AP.

The problem is...i dont rly have anywhere to go. And if i did im not walking out on my kids.

Going to have to weather the storm i suppose


So, make a plan. You are correct that you cannot control your WW, and that you can control yourself. Problem is, what do you plan to do with that control? From your last post, it looks like you are not even going to control anything, and just 'go with the flow'.....

Start thinking about what you need to do (save up, get legal advice, etc).... Without a plan, your life can spiral out of control very easily.

Happenedtome2 posted 7/24/2020 03:51 AM

Subverted, very sorry you are here.

2 things - get a VAR immediately. You are in a domestic violence situation and she will flip this on you in a heartbeat. Get it on record that you do not want a registered sex offender anywhere near your kids. Period.

My wife had an EA with a guy she knew nothing about. Just some random POS who gave her the right ego kibbles and who "understands" that she has a fetish...well he turned out to be a diaper wearing pedophile (I found this through my own effort and with only an email to go by). Even though this asshole lives across the country, he knows where we live and knows where OUR KIDS live.
You need to lawyer up NOW. You need to protect your kids. Your lawyer may even be able to restrict where she can take the kids since this POSOM is a sex offender. We all make stupid decisions in the fog of trying to save our marriages, but regardless of what you do for you, you have to protect your kids. Period.

[This message edited by Happenedtome2 at 1:44 PM, July 24th (Friday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 7/27/2020 14:49 PM

Going to have to weather the storm i suppose

For 14 years until your kids are grown? Do you really want to waste that much of your life on a woman who isn't worthy of you?

She says she wants me and its true.

If that were true, she would be taking positive steps to change how she treats you, rebuild trust, repair the damage she has done. She is selfish and only wants you to stay in the M without having any repercussions for her actions.


She called and asked

I agree with lala. this is a HUGE red flag. If she was over OM, she wouldn't care about what is happening in his life.

She has told me some fucked up things. Like "you would of cheated on me if i was fat" or "im not going to let some women have my new buff man that i put 15 yeara of work into to perfect." Or "what if tou found someone who you really care for and cant stop your feelings for (then she says, im not talking about my sitsuation by the way!) I bet you would have left me...."

This is total garbage. She is trying to justify her A, make excuses. None of this happened so it is irrelevant. YOU didn't cheat, she did. She is now blaming your potential cheating for her A. Not only are you to blame for her A because she was unhappy, just the possibility of YOU cheating made it OK for her to cheat, preemptively. This is so totally ridiculous you should throw her out for those statements alone.

Buster123 posted 7/27/2020 15:24 PM

Listen your WW is light years away from being R material, she's still calling to find about her boyfriend so in her mind she's still in an ACTIVE A, and make no mistake about it, they met at least "twice" that you know about could be more and of course they don't meet just to "hold hands", again she's not R material.

The problem is...i dont rly have anywhere to go. And if i did im not walking out on my kids.
Going to have to weather the storm i suppose

This is NO storm that only lasts a few days and it's no one's fault, plus your situation doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon so how many "storms" are you willing to "weather"? btw this one is still ACTIVE and since she's still calling to find out about her boyfriend she's still wayward, you're not the first to separate and won't be the last, at this point your M is a farce, take control and take action, instead of being reactive to the situation, be proactive about it, and don't forget to get tested for STDs.

subverted posted 7/31/2020 05:28 AM

Well guys. My patience with WW seems to have run out. It hurts to say all if you were right....she started an account and put money in it so this guy in jail can call her when he wants to now....

He even asked her to come visit. Nice. Oh yah. She is also his lapdog now. He is asking her to contact this person and that person because hes facing life in prison and he needs to prove his ju.phome invasion case....


I told her many times. Me or him. She tells me i just cant move on from this.....well honey neither can u it seems. I hope one day you read this thread. It should be a reminder that you blew our family of 5 up over a prison fling. You did this. Not me. You can blame how distant i was for what you did. But YOU did. Ultimately....nothing will fix this. Its over. Done. Im done. Our kids little faces when we tell them.....u just couldnt let this man go.

You say that the affair is over, and that these are different circumstances. You say if any of your friends were facing life in prison you would help them out. I say anyone in the right mind would laugh in your emotionally dead face if you uttered these words.

[This message edited by subverted at 5:30 AM, July 31st (Friday)]

Stevesn posted 7/31/2020 05:51 AM

Who knows about this besides you? If she has family they definitely need to know. Friends she respects? They need to know.

Im sorry you are where you are. From reading your posts it appears shes having some sort of mental break.

Take care of yourself and time to work with a lawyer.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/31/2020 06:30 AM

You say if any of your friends were facing life in prison you would help them out.

This is a lie. Not if it were going to destroy my M and my family. And this person is NOT a friend! He is her AP! She was a piece of ass! Now she is allowing herself to be manipulated to help him while he is in prison, and depending on who she contacts on his behalf, it be considered witness intimidation and could put herself in jail too.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this, but I'm glad to see you now have determined a path forward. Hopefully she will be so obsessed in saving her "friend" from jail she will be in a hurry to D and let you have what you want.

M1965 posted 7/31/2020 07:54 AM

subverted,

I am sorry that your wife has chosen such a disastrous course in life. She is not 'friends' with that guy; he has a fixation on him.

I think it is absolutely vital that you separate your finances and contact a lawyer immediately, because if your wife is starting to spend her money on his legal case - and he will undoubtedly ask for 'help', and she will do it because anyone would do the same for a 'friend' - you may end up having to shoulder the debts as you are still married to her.

I understand your pain and frustration that your wife is so wilfully wrecking everything for some ridiculous obsession, but you have to try and think rationally about how best to shield yourself and your kids from the liability that your wife is going to become once her jailbird takes full ownership of her.

You have to guard against her doing anything that puts your finances or home on the line to pay that guy's expenses, and you need to start doing it now.

Your wife may be fine with turning her life into a train wreck, but do not let her take you and the kids with her.

Edited to add:

Next time your wife mentions that man in the context of being a 'friend'...

You say if any of your friends were facing life in prison you would help them out.

You should correct her. Tell her that he is not a 'friend' to her, but an unhealthy mental obsession that she is prepared to destroy the family for. And keep doing that every time she tries to frame him as a 'friend'.

[This message edited by M1965 at 7:58 AM, July 31st (Friday)]

squid posted 7/31/2020 08:36 AM

Just because the AP is in jail does not mean the affair is over. As far as she is concerned, AP is her man. You are just her warden.

She can promise up and down until the goddam cows come home that she wants to be married. But in all honesty, all she sees you as is a source of income. A money bag. And now, a wallet that won't shut up.

I've only read the first page of this thread and then this page where I see she has resorted to violence.

WHELP, in the middle of typing the above I just read your last post about sending money to the AP.

File. Tell your family and hers what is happening. All of it.

Your kids need a stable parent they can feel safe with. Your WW is not that parent. So lay off the sauce for a while and try to maintain an even keel.

Show no emotion when dealing with your WW. The D is simply a business transaction. She is your adversary now. She does not have you or your kids' best interests at heart. Treat her as such.

Sorry you're going through this.

beenthereinco posted 7/31/2020 09:28 AM

I would move very quickly to get a separation started and split finances immediately. This guy is going to milk you dry. Phone calls from jail are expensive and this is just the start. He will start getting her to do things for him that will get her involved with other criminals and they will start asking her for money that he "owes" them. I've seen this before. Trust me. Get yourself as far away from this as you can.

KingofNothing posted 7/31/2020 11:11 AM


It hurts to say all if you were right....

Gently, NOBODY wants to "right" about watching a guy's family disintegrate. We just want to help. There's no "I told ya so" operating here.

she started an account and put money in it so this guy in jail can call her when he wants to now....
He even asked her to come visit. Nice. Oh yah. She is also his lapdog now. He is asking her to contact this person and that person because hes facing life in prison and he needs to prove his ju.phome invasion case....

As other people are rapidly jumping in to mention, move forward to dissolve this union as fast as possible. She is making choices that will actively put your children at risk, as well as your mutual finances. I can't stress it enough... separate finances, lawyer up.. Do it, now. You do not want your children exposed to this man.. AT ALL. He is a convicted felon with violent tendencies. Go for FULL custody, challenging as that may sound to you. You owe it them to be a good dad now. Someone has to be the real adult here, and it's on your shoulders.

I know you have feelings for her and are intensely conflicted (totally understandable), but you have to accept that she is setting herself up to be your adversary. She isn't being even subtle about doing it. For your own benefit and the children's, it's time to let her go. She WILL drag you down. You tried, you really did. You should be proud of that, but you aren't the reason she has fallen this low. That's entirely on her. Bad choices, bad consequences.

I'm so sorry, man.

survrus posted 7/31/2020 11:11 AM

Subverted,

You wrote, she started an account and put money in it so this guy in jail can call her when he wants to now....

He even asked her to come visit. Nice. Oh yah. She is also his lapdog now. He is asking her to contact this person and that person because hes facing life in prison and he needs to prove his ju.phome invasion case....

My Ws friend was in an EA with a guy in prison and it was intense. She pumped up her kids about what a great human being this murderer is and they couldn't wait to see him, even brought her husband along. Believed unconditionally in his innocence.

She is now separated possibly divorced.

Protect your children from this OM, if he is in for life then there is no leverage you have against him, and he will use whatever resources are at his disposal, especially promising your WW his eternal love when he gets out. Your WW will tell him the dates of your children's birthdays etc because he is the perfect man.

No rational human being would do any of what your WW is doing, but neither would anyone suspect my Ws friend would do what she did. Never in my life did I see her in high heels, stockings and a sexy dress with perfume it was shocking.

KingofNothing posted 7/31/2020 11:17 AM

My Ws friend was in an EA with a guy in prison and it was intense. She pumped up her kids about what a great human being this murderer is and they couldn't wait to see him, even brought her husband along. Believed unconditionally in his innocence.

That's pretty chilling. I would not want a convicted felon to know ONE DAMNED THING about my family. This should be raising alarm bells with the OP.

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