committing the biggest mistake of my life
This is a sticky wicket for many, and I hesitate bc you are just starting on this journey. The thing is, semantics and language MATTER. They matter to the BS and the need to begin to matter to the WS as well. The use of the term "mistake" is a common one. And while it may be "only" an "expression of speech", the term "mistake" sends a message (subliminally or not) that the choice to lie and deceive a BS was an "oops" and not an intentional, deliberate, series of acts. IOW, a "mistake" is picking up whole milk when you thought you were getting skim. It's not intentional. A "choice" is very intentional, even if it demonstrates poor judgment. One does not have sex with an AP or lie to their BS by "mistake". It is a choice done on purpose... even if the resulting harm was not intentional", the decision to lie and the decision to have a secret sexual life, is very much intentional.
So, my hesitation is bc I think some WS (and my own WH is certainly in this group) get so worried about saying/doing the "right" thing, they may clam up bc they can't also be specific about their language (and I have to admit, more often than not I would respond to my WH's language foibles with anger that did not help one bit). Personally, I think that taking the time to be clear about the words used is a good exercise for a WS to begin to pay very close attention to saying what they mean and meaning what they say (something that clearly went out the window for the A(s) itself). I think it's pretty likely that even if your BH doesn't say anything, a part of him really cringes whenever the word "mistake" comes out of your mouth. And if you think about it, that makes sense (one reason for me is bc the acts of an A already show how insignificant we/our feelings are to our WS, so to continue seeing it as a "mistake" can feel to a BS s/he continues to be as insignificant as a jug of milk even after dday). On another front, that word is also indicative of not fully taking responsibility for the CHOICES the WS made to engage in the A and to lie to their BS.
I see linguistic mindfulness part of all the things a WS needs to become mindful of.
To have the thought that he'll have to come to terms with it himself, seems... wrong.
Of course it "seems" wrong.... because it IS wrong. Wrong to lie to yourself. Wrong to lie to your BS. Wrong to have sex outside M.... the list of "wrongs" committed in an A is practically endless. So, why should THIS part of it somehow be (or feel) any different?
I could describe it as a double fuck for both WS and BS.... the one thing most WS say they "want" after dday is to heal their BS. And it is something they cannot do. They can help/support, but they can never do the heavy lifting that is required of a BS to just learn to fucking sit up or crawl again. You cannot do it. You CAN help (and it's important you try). On the other side of the coin, the ONE thing the BS wants after dday is to have never been betrayed. And yet, that is something that the BS can never have.
On the WS support front, an oft-used analogy is being a passenger in a car driven by the WS. Who is drunk. BS is confused during that drive - can't figure out what's going on, bc WS is acting strange, but WS would NEVER drink (lie), let alone drink & drive (lie about a dealbreaker), let alone drink & drive while BS is in the car too (actually break the deal by having an A). Then BAM! Car hits brick wall (dday). WS is injured, sure. cuts, scrapes, some bruising (and, of course, the shame). BS is seriously and significantly injured. Internal damage. Broken bones from head to toe. Traction, etc. WS may feel shitty as hell. But the ONLY person that has to be in traction, the ONLY person that can do the physical therapy, occupational therapy, etc is the BS. WS can help (make the appts, bring water, etc). but cannot actually do the heavy lifting to heal all of those broken parts.
Moral of the analogy is let go of trying to "fix" or "heal" the damage to your BS. That ball is solely in his court, and you must accept that there's not a damn thing you can do about it. DO do all you can to support him in that journey. Bring the water, so to speak, at every possible opportunity. Learn to hear his pain, validate it w/o your own agenda (ie shame spirals, self victimization, etc).
I think we aren't even close to R, as its been hard for BH to accept.
I suppose just about everyone has their own idea of what "R" or "in R" means. Personally, I don't think a WS or a BS should even think about R until there's been some solid work on each side of the street. For the WS, it means proving, over time, by actions and not just words, that they are "R worthy". That they are fully committed to doing the deep digging and hard work to find their whys, find their hows, and change them. It's far far far more work than checking the boxes in How to Help Your Spouse Heal. Or being honest and transparent (tho those are both really good starts). I think changing from a WS to a safe partner requires a wide scale change in fundamental brain wiring (entitlement, self worth, empathy, external validation, etc.... basic tenets of the way one THINKS). It requires internally challenging EVERY thought/feeling/action, whether 'A-related" or not, against core values, integrity, etc. Of course you will fuck up. You - and I, and your BH, and all of us - are human, and learning new skills always entails imperfection. You will fall off the horse.... but will you get back on after those falls?
And even if you do a "perfect" rewiring of those thought patterns, your BH may still walk. THAT is what is meant by "letting go of the outcome". That is what is meant by working on changing you for YOU and not to save your M. Not even to help your BH (tho that may be a welcome byproduct in that IMO the work on healing/fixing your own broken parts is part of the "support' that a WS can give to a BS). We work on ourselves bc we realize we have NO choice, bc the pain of change is less painful than the pain of staying the same. For a BS, that choice was already made for them w/o their consent, the minute that car hit the brick wall. Either they do the hard fucking work of healing from that trauma, with all the therapies and adjustments, knowing they will NEVER walk the way they did before that fateful "drive", or they stay shattered, in pain, and in an emotional coma of sorts. To me, there was NO choice - either I got to work healing or I might as well commit suicide. Similarly, the WS also has a choice (albeit one that, unlike the BS, they always had sole control over): continue with the stinking thinking and broken parts that got everyone into this mess (which is actually pretty easy in the grand scheme of things), or put in the effort to actually change and become a person of integrity, honesty, solid values, and a safe partner for the future.
Your thread is titled "Why should anyone stay". Perhaps a different lens would be why WOULD anyone stay? And I think there are some good responses.
I don't know if it's the infidelity "industry" as Stinger suggests, or other factors, but I don't believe a "good" or "better" post dday M is a unicorn. I think it happens. I also think it takes a TON of hard fucking work by BOTH parties to get there. I also think timing can play a role to the extent that we see over & over & over again a WS who puts in a half-assed (or less) effort and the BS starts to heal and grow, the BS will walk.... not bc of the A itself, but bc of all the post-dday bullshit the WS has added to the shit sandwich already served by the A itself (which prolly best describes my own situation). If SI (or Peggy Vaughn, for that matter) is any guide, it seems that a majority of BS do not walk on dday. It seems that most post-dday Ds are not from the A itself, but from the WS' fuckups post dday (from continuing the A to TT to breaking NC to not making the much needed changes to becoming a safe partner).
On dday, it was crystal clear to me that my M was dead. I took off my wedding rings and will never again wear them. To me, those rings symbolize nothing but pain. I immediately asked WH to take his off as well. It took him 6 months, and even then he journaled that he felt "forced" to do it. I mention this bc his refusal to remove it is, to me, indicative of his dissonance about the damage. Indicative of his refusal to see or accept that the M was DEAD, and the only question was if he had the capacity to put on his big boy pants, to work his ass off to find the right tools to show he's "R material", and to then work with me (assuming I'm willing) to try and build a new M from the burning ashes and rubble that WAS our M. To rummage around for the few undamaged bricks left over from the bomb of the A, and to use them to start on a new foundation. I wonder if those WS who can see/accept this are more apt to find empathy, in that it means the WS is experiencing grief over the death of the M, just as the BS is, rather than holding onto the "unicorn" that the pre-dday M is alive.
I think people stay bc they can (or hope to) find enough of those relics - or useable bricks - in the rubble to begin to rebuild AND bc both parties can find the tools to actually rebuild on the same property. And the lucky ones are able to work together to do that rebuilding in a collaborative and cooperative way. To actually find and feel joy in those remains, joy in putting them to good use, and joy in the new foundation that is built, with the new tools/technology that did not exist at the time of the M or the A(s). Others may rebuild, but w/o letting go of all of the damaged bricks, or by not doing the hard ass work of getting the tools/technology that is appropriate for the situation, the new foundation is still unstable.... and the resulting M "post R" may not be strong enough to survive a tornado or flood or maybe even a thunderstorm or whatever other challenges -big and small- that life may serve up.
And the prospect of that new M. The prospect of finding joy in the repurposing of the "good" that may remain after the house is blownup. The idea of a foundation comprised of old and new. The hope of a new home, a better built home, is what the BS "gets" out of R.
I don't bring this up to emphasize shame or despair. I bring it up bc from where I sit, seeing these harsh truths is important for both the WS and BS. It must be faced, processed, fixed, healed, etc. And one cannot fix or change or support what they cannot see.
Godspeed.