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Why should anyone stay?

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

ShutterHappy posted 6/6/2020 23:41 PM

I had a private conversation with a newly betrayed not too long ago. Despite the fact that his WW was doing everything right, he was wondering, why not just leave her and experience this new relationship energy just like his WW experience?

I pointed out that we, BS, are traumatized. Whether you stay or go, you will always worry about cheating now. I told him, Whether itís your WW, or someone else, itíll always be there. It fades over the years, but not completely.

Itís not fair, but it canít be helped.

So his (your husband) choice is not between a cheater (you) and a potential wonderful new partner, his choice is between a cheater he knows and someone new who could be a cheater.

You canít fix this injustice. The best you can do is make sure it never happens again.

Stinger posted 6/7/2020 07:55 AM

One way to minimize the odds of finding this proclivity in a new partner is to read up on personality disorders and learn the red flags. A high % of cheaters are disordered. Have clear cut boundaries: infidelity in any capacity in the past, as an AP or cheater, jettison immediately.
Cheaters lack integrity in areas other than just sexualmfidelity. Look for other signs of dishonesty- financial, lying about little stuff, things not adding up etc.

Snowyjune posted 6/7/2020 07:58 AM

Oldwounds,

I can always hate what happened, but still love the person in front of me.

She loves me flaws and all.

I love her, flaws and all.

No one SHOULD stay, unless life can be rebuilt and be better.

If we do stay, it's because we can still see the inherent good in them, beyond the horror show they caused us.

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. This gives me some hope and positivity.

Wantstorepair,

She is not responsible for my absolution right?
Don't get me wrong. I am not asking for absolution, as it has to be earned. To be absolved of something, means working till you aren't that person anymore. And WS should never expect or hope for it, as it is something entirely in the BS' hands.

gmc94,

The thing is, semantics and language MATTER. They matter to the BS and the need to begin to matter to the WS as well.
Yes i do apologise for the use of the word "mistake" as that meant that it was unintentional, thoughtless and flippant, and what i did was the complete opposite.. to deal the most damage to my BH over a long period of time. Emotional abuse should not be classified as a "mistake". It is something that i am working on, to be mindful and thoughtful all the time, so I do not make light of the entire situation in any way.


Moral of the analogy is let go of trying to "fix" or "heal" the damage to your BS. That ball is solely in his court, and you must accept that there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
The way i think is slightly different.

Yes I am letting go of the outcome.
Yes, my BH has every right to leave, any time he wants. He should, ought to after what he has been through.

BUT

I am not going to stop believing in R, because that's when I know I must put in all my effort to be R-worthy.
I must believe that R is possible, so I will get back up onto the horse when i fall off.

Maybe this is wrong, but I am working on myself to show my BH that I can and will do my best and more for him. Wanting to be better for myself, or even the idea of myself, is not something I want to entertain anymore, as that was why I could do what I did.

Nanatwo,

Generalizations like this can be very damaging and confusing to those BS who are still struggling with the R/D decision. I know there are many on here who are happy with their choice to R and their marriages.
Thank you so much for your comments. As I was struggling to see some positivity, to understand what my BH was feeling, and what I read here and in various other channels made me feel more desolate. That the magnitude of my actions has broken my BH forever, and he will never be happy anymore.

whatIknowNow posted 6/7/2020 15:30 PM

I (male) see it exactly as you do. I would never stay if my wife cheated (physically). Period, end of story.

jinkazama posted 6/7/2020 16:37 PM

I think Reconciliation would be a lot easier if cheaters would stop thinking why they stay with you.(and they are not weak for staying)

Instead of this
They should focus on the gift of reconciliation.

waitedwaytoolong posted 6/7/2020 16:52 PM

For me the decision to stay upon discovery, then deciding to leave after 5 years were almost equal in difficulty.

I stayed because we at that time had a 25 year history. More if you throw in dating. We had grown children who I still wanted to have an intact marriage for. We had a great set of mutual friends that even if no infidelity would have gone by the wayside. I was a couple of years from retirement and we had amazing plans for our future. And lastly, even though what she did was heinous, I knew that she wasnít. I would have seen something in 25 years if she was. And, Unlike some others you read about here, she wasnít a serial cheater, and what happened was a perfect storm of events. Yet every fiber in my soul said you cannot accept this being done to you. I never really did, but stayed anyway.

Eventually though the things you first posted kicked in. Our marriage was pretty good before, and I knew it would never be the same again. My whole house was a trigger as that where it took place. The sex acts she did left me just dumbfounded when I looked at her not believing she was even into such things. Especially as we experimented with them, but didnít do as she really didnít like them. In the end, she was broken, I was broken, and I just didnít see a way to fix it, other than accepting what happened which I just never could do.

The decision to leave was more excruciating than the decision to stay. So I guess I covered both basis. I stayed, but then I didnít.

For us it was just an awful ending to what should have been a great story

hikingout posted 6/8/2020 10:15 AM

Hi Snowy,

It's overwhelming to come to terms with the damage that we create, the slim odds we have, being able to see words here more bluntly than what our own BS is sharing. But, I learned a few things along the way that I will share with you now.

One, people have different viewpoints at different stages of recovery/healing/reconciliation. The biggest voice on this site is going to be in the ones who are more newly going through this. You received a few good responses from people who made it to R, and a few who ultimately decided to D.

The hardest thing to learn is we can only control our own thoughts, behaviors, and what we do moving forward. Speculating on chances for R, or D, Speculating that your spouse will not heal, will not forgive, or that they will heal and will forgive...all of those things are really not helpful.

You have to get super focused on the one thing that you can control - You. How you provide the best environment for your spouse to heal in, how you work on getting to the roots of how and why you did what you did, and really what you are going to do about it.

I have been in your shoes, worried the mountain was too big. Full of shame, regret, guilt, and remorse. But digging down into myself was one of the most transformative things I have ever done in my life. It did help my H to do that, and it helped my marriage. But, overall, it helped me in my own personal perspective and has enriched all my relationships, not just the one with my husband. It is the one thing you can control, and it's also the one thing that I believe helps build back respect and trust. It helps build back self respect, and self compassion, and illuminates a path back to self love. Self love I feel is the missing ingredient in most WS...taking other people's situations to make yourself feel more hopeless about yours is going to be counterproductive to getting you there.

However, on the other hand, the discovery of all the damage, getting to a remorseful place, all of these things are needed to move towards the other stuff. We simply have to be sick of our own sickness and the desire to change comes from very painful places.

We can not control the outcome of the relationship, if our spouse heals, but we can control our realm and that is where you need to put all your focus.

Snowyjune posted 6/9/2020 09:20 AM

Thank you all for the honest, thoughtful responses.

We had a long conversation and there was something my BH said which was particularly uplifting that I will hold onto.

He already has a million reasons to leave. All I should be focused on is giving him reasons to stay.

Luna10 posted 6/10/2020 04:52 AM

This thread made me thing about why I am still here as Iím approaching 3 years since dday. I donít like thinking about ďwhy I stayedĒ for two reasons: first I feel overwhelmed by the number of reasons why I SHOULDNíT have stayed. Second, since I had a dday 2 in Jan 18 (maintained contact with AP) I never declared Iím staying. When we talk about it all I say is ďIím still hereĒ. I somehow reserve the right to change my mind any second and that makes it somehow less humiliating I guess.

However as I said Iím still here. The reasons Iíve stayed since dday have changed depending on where I was in my own healing process and how remorseful WH was.

Initially I stayed because I naively thought he made a ďmistakeĒ and we will overcome it together as we overcome all our problems. Throw in the ďIím in love with APĒ statement and instinct reaction to protect whatís mine, the sense of togetherness I had all our marriage and the fear of divorce and I agreed to R in 45 min after discovery

As time went on I realised that Iíve lost something I never appreciated how important it was before dday: trust and respect. The belief that we would stay together as long as we are happy and, if the situation changes, we would talk about it and either work on it or divorce. My WH was, in my view, the most unlikely man in the world to betray me. He was my hero. He was my safety net. It is a huge fall when you lose all the respect you have for your spouse. 3 years later I donít know if any respect came back, perhaps some for seeing him actively fight for us and not caring about ďwhat people thinkĒ when he had to put himself in a bad light.

So then I stayed for my kids. And then I realised that familiarity and what was a good marriage on the whole is worth staying as long as heís working hard to prove me heís changed. I/We dug in the deepest corners of his soul, his FOO, his beliefs, and are still digging to see whatís there, to understand, to change.

I craved a new relationship filled with passion and butterflies for many months, sometimes I still do, I wanted my own affair (only not an actual affair). But then taking the affair out of the equation (not that we can really) I realise that we, as a couple, are a really good fit. Every relationship loses its butterflies and desperate passion and naturally matures into something of more substance.

Perhaps there is a more fitting man out there for me. But that I donít know. What I know is that this man is the one that has the same dreams as I do, that we laugh, we cry, we have similar hobbies, we love the same things in life. Heís ďput upĒ with the consequences of his affair for 3 years, heís been fighting for us. Thereís still work to do, I am starting to believe there will always be work to do.

As for how this changed me: I will never have that trust again but thatís independent of the partner Iím with. I would be an idiot to trust another man the way I trusted this one again. I have no fear of being alone anymore. Initially I spent months fearing I would end up alone if I divorce. Now I know that the secret is to actually embrace it. I imagined and planned my life alone so well that, although no doubt it would be painful, if we divorce I know Iíll be ok.

Thereís only one chance heíll get, this one affair. Thereís no ďoops I did it againĒ. Because my weaknesses in the dday awakening are not there anymore: I do not fear being alone anymore (and I sometimes secretly wish for it), I donít have the same respect and heís not on a pedestal anymore hence no instinct to fight for him as another affair will prove heís isnít worth fighting for.

So focus on your one chance. Thereís no guarantee it will work out. But it is the only chance youíve got. Make use of it. Prove yourself worthy of it, work hard at fixing your brokenness. Make yourself a safe partner. Thatís all you can do for now.

gmc94 posted 6/10/2020 08:19 AM

Luna - that was beautiful. I experienced many of the same things you speak about:

instinct reaction to protect whatís mine, the sense of togetherness I had all our marriage and the fear of divorce
It was powerful. I think many BS have this, and you put words to it in a way that resonates. As the months wore on, I realized I was trying to protect myself not from the AP, but from my WH. And I think that helped it dissipate.

I realised that Iíve lost something I never appreciated how important it was before dday: trust and respect. The belief that we would stay together as long as we are happy and, if the situation changes, we would talk about it and either work on it or divorce......He was my hero. He was my safety net. It is a huge fall when you lose all the respect you have for your spouse.
TBH, I think this is the crux of the post dday D. How much a WS can earn back both the trust and the respect. And I think for most WS, the killer is just plain old FEAR. If a WS cannot muster up the courage to face it all, to bring up the A, to disclose EVERYTHING the BS asks for, to do the deep digging into whys and hows, etc. If that courage doesn't manifest, respect just can't come back.

It's such a tough rock/hard place. The act of the A itself is cowardly to begin with. So the expectation that a WS can somehow flip a switch to find strength and courage may be too high for many WS. It takes a lot of skillful guidance to get a fear-entrenched WS to see that courage supplies the light that will guide them along the journey to change. We see it here all the time with TT and the polygraph parking lot confessions, the breaking NC and not disclosing, etc. I think those who can muster the strength for full disclosure at or soon after dday have the best chance..... those who get that "light" before the blood drains completely from the BS. It's hard (or impossible) to respect those who retreat to their bunkers to sit and quiver in a dark corner after their harmful actions have been exposed. I can have compassion for it, but not respect.... and certainly not trust (that's NOT the person I want on my "team R" ).

Initially I spent months fearing I would end up alone if I divorce. Now I know that the secret is to actually embrace it. I imagined and planned my life alone so well that, although no doubt it would be painful, if we divorce I know Iíll be ok.
It took me more than a year (maybe closer to two) to get to this place. And I think it may be one of the most important things to see/accept for a BS. I can see how it can make a WS uncomfortable. Yet, I think it can be viewed through a positive lens - that when the BS gets to this point, s/he remains in the M bc s/he truly wants to, and not out of fear. When the BS gets this light - the light of knowing s/he will be Ok navigating the pain of divorce and the prospect of being alone (even forever) - s/he has found the same courage we want from the WS. When that time comes, whether days or month or years after dday, the BS sees the M and the WS through a different lens. S/he can take stock of the change the WS has made, the courage they've found, etc. and either commit to and work on R..... or work on getting their ducks in a row to begin the journey to D.

Wool94 posted 6/13/2020 08:48 AM

I pop in from time to time. I consider my wife and I to be reconciled.

It tears me up to see so many of my fellow SIers hurting so badly.

Your marriage can make it. Mine is better now than before the infidelity, here's why.

I learned so much about myself. I finally found that rage and backbone that I'd never really quite had before.

I honestly don't know your story, I am truly sorry you are here though.

My wife had 2 affairs. We were ready to divorce when I truly believe that God stepped in. My story is in my profile if you want to read it.

Since that time, over 4 years ago, she has worked her butt off.

Believe me, it wasn't easy for her to do either. I've never felt so much rage and out of control in my life. You know what she did? She took it. I was never physically violent, but she would continually get an earful.

I honestly didn't know if I wanted to stay from day to day or not in the first couple of years.

I also know that I didn't want to miss any time with my children either. We stuck it out. Our church supported us. We found friends that supported our marriage.

I prayed daily for God to take that hate and hurt away from me. I prayed that prayer for years.

Hopefully your husband will get to the point that I did. I realized that I didn't really want to give it up. I had a place that i could always go back to whenever i wanted to get raging mad. My prayer changed. I finally learned that it wasn't meant for God to take it away.

It was meant for me to stop holding on to it so tightly and to let it go.

As I stated, I'm over 4 years out. If you would have told me as a BH, to let it go from the start, I would've decked you. So don't do that, just have patience with him. I had to find my own way to handle it.

The old saying around here is that it takes 2 to 5 years to heal from this. I totally agree with that. If you're prepared to go through literal hell, then you may have what it takes to make this marriage work again.

Now, this is just my perspective. Sometimes a BH just can't come to grips with this happening. Sometimes it takes them a while to realize.

Whatever he decides, you do whatever it takes to become a better person, because I'll guarantee it's pure hell for him right now.

Sorry, I'm rambling, but God bless y'all.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 8:51 AM, June 13th (Saturday)]

Humbled123 posted 6/13/2020 12:18 PM

Hopefully tonight i can chime in and give some more male insight. Im 2.5 yrs out from my wife's affair.

Humbled123 posted 6/13/2020 23:04 PM

People have many reasons why they stay. Im not gonna sugar cote it, you have a VERY long road ahead. We are 2.5 yrs out. Ive gone through every emotion possible. I was completely blind, you know the lie men believe, we married the "good" ones, she'd never do this. Well that blew up in my face.
I had her on the highest pedestal possible, i worshipped the ground she walked on. All of that has permanently changed, yes permanent. It does not matter what you do, you will never get back what you had. We won't allow it. We will never again offer you blind trust, be made to be chumps again. There will be walls around our hearts. I will never let another person break me like that again. What are the lasting effects?
At 2.5yrs here's how i feel. Plan b. No doubt in my mind i was replaced. I saw the memes how they'd be together some day.
Sex? Yep i get the scraps. Old relationship energy will never be new relationship energy, a point confirmed to me through private message with another ww on this site. The a/p got the new puppy and we get the old dog. We know we will never "measure" up. I think very few people can say things are "better" after this. Sure the ww or wh may think that. Once they do the work and unpack their baggage they are left feeling relieved, refreshed. Recently my ww made a comment about how we are the happiest we've ever been. I wanted to bite my tongue off. I can assure you I'd do anything to go back pre dday. I didn't say anything and just stayed quiet. Why? Because after awhile you just don't want the fight. I have lost so much life over this shit. I stay for several reasons. My grandbaby. Stability, not starting over. I still love her, but not in same way. Are going to make it? Beats me. Im good either way. I just don't care that much what the outcome is. I look at it like this. I've lived thru the worst pain i will probably ever experience in my life. I can handle whatever outcome happens

sisoon posted 6/14/2020 13:27 PM

I think Humbled123 has over-generalized from his own experience. He has made his choices so far. I've made different ones.

I worked to process the grief, fear, anger, and shame that cam with being betrayed out of my body. I defined requirements for R and held my W to them. I raise issues when I notice them. I don't bite my tongue. I ask for what I want.

I don't trust my W blindly. No one deserves blind trust. Our life story does have an indelible blot on it. I've always loved my W. That wasn't enough to ensure R. It was enough to offer R; my W has accepted the offer and honored it by changing from cheater to good partner.

There's no way i would go back to our pre-A M - that M was way more vulnerable to cheating than it is now. I know my W can cheat again, even though the probability is lower than before her first A. I don't need a wall against her because I know I can survive and thrive even if she does cheat again.

I stay because she's changed, because I of my vows, because of lust, because I believe anyone can cheat if the circumstances get bad enough, and because I believe my W is like a broken bone that has healed - her healing has made her less likely to cheat than someone new.

I can't predict the future. The best I can do is to look at facts and make my best guess about which options to choose. I stay because life requires making choices, and these are the choices I've made.

*****

When faced with infidelity, the choice between going and staying is rarely simple. It would not have been simple for me if my W had cheated before we had our son. It was a hell of a lot less simple when I actually had to make a choice.

YMMV.

Humbled123 posted 6/14/2020 22:40 PM

Im not sure i over generalized as much as I just expressed how i am currently feeling. Sisoon you are much farther out than i am. Maybe I'll be where you are someday. This is a long process and feelings change over time. No easy path regardless of which decision is made. To healing friends

numb&dumb posted 6/15/2020 08:01 AM

BH happily reconciled.

No my marriage is not happy all the time. No marriage is 100% perfect.

I think a decision that a BS has to make is one that is highly personal and unique to our own lives. No two are exactly the same. It is about what we wants our lives to look like in the future.

First my ideas of what M is and looked like have changed dramatically. I know it doesn't sound great all the time, but you know, my expectations were way off from the beginning.

Honestly why I stayed at first was 100% my kids. I did not trust my W to be there for them in a way that she needed to be. Also after learning what a divorce looked like financially. My ability to support my children financially, emotionally and logisticially is best served with their mother in the same house.

Two, during a darker period I often thought about finding someone new. I know my wife, what she is capable of, her good qualities and bad. I know what I am getting so I don't have to wonder. Is it preferable to be devil you know or the devil you don't know.

Three, She was a good person before she had her A. I had to hope that she could act like that person again. She had many issues that she needed to resolve before I would open myself up again.

Four, I realized that I had more say in what our M looked like going forward. I could ask for a lot of things that seemed like I could not prior. In a sense it allowed me to relax my views. It was not my job to take care of everybody all of the time.

We all get wrapped up in the ideal of what a M should look like. Where did that come from ? Stories, movies, hallmark cards . . .you know the fictional idealized version of what M should be. How many M are actually like that ?

Sometimes we have bad days/weeks/months so we know what the good ones look like.

No, not every M should reconcile after infidelity. It is a highly individual and personal choice that the BS has to make based on their values and if rebuilding M 2.0 is right for them.

Five, at the end of day I do and did love my wife. Even when she made it very difficult. My deal breaker list is longer now, but I know that I will be ok if one of those lines are crossed. There will not be a third chance. I have been very clear on this.

I had to mourn the idea of "you and me forever." That is never coming back, but considering that isn't realistic either I can find my peace with that. Nothing is innocent anymore.

I will say I find tremendous value in having a partner that communicates with me, and will listen to me when things in our M need to be addressed. I did not have that before. I don't have to be dramatic to have my points heard, understood and implemented. There is value in that.

At the end of the day it was my choice to rebuild a second M with my W. The jury is still out on was the right call for me. I still have to make that decision every so often. I am honest, even when it hurts, and expect my wife to do the same.

I have regained my sense of myself (versus being one half of a Marriage). I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I know I will be ok if my M ends tomorrow.

That being said my M is always going to be optional in my future. It is not the driving factor that trumps all else. It is there to enhance my life not complete it. It is a M that I choose to be a part of, warts and all. I'd rather be a part of M that I "want" to be in versus one that I "had" to be in. I still have the same choices today that I had on Dday. I am just a helluva lot wiser in making those decisions.

Zugzwang posted 6/17/2020 11:28 AM

Doesn't matter why other people stay. It only matters why your betrayed chooses to stay. Ask them. R means communication. Or, you are finding ways to keep working for a reward other than why you really should be working...stop focusing on the outcome and if it all will be worth it...your BS could decided to leave the marriage at anytime in the future. I have known people that have left 6 years out from affair situations. You can't live life like that. You need to focus on the only thing you can control. Fixing you. You should be doing it for one main reason. You are done being the type of person that steps on others to get something.

Onlyjan posted 6/17/2020 21:52 PM

There is no stop sign here so I will speak plainly. I despise my spouse. I sometimes wish he had died. I wish his AP nothing but ill. If she was hit by a semi tomorrow I would feel nothing but relief. This may sound harsh, but it is my reality. June 23 will mark 3 years for me. I have not come anywhere near forgiveness. I stay because the divorce lawyer I consulted in December (when I had decided once and for all I could not bear another second of this) made me understand how trapped I am. The law in canada states that I would have to split custody of my children with this man 50/50. The laws changed last summer. I have three young children. I will NEVER be a part-time mom if I can do anything at all to avoid it. But I feel so trapped. I have no respect for my husband. I donít trust him at all. Even if he goes for a run I suspect him of meeting the woman or speaking to her on the phone. To contextualize, however, my husband cheated during the midst of a psychotic break and his concurrent abuse was so horrific I dropped 22 lbs over 6 months ó before I even found out about his 4-month long EA and PA. He persecuted me every second of the day, literally following me around the house berating me for hours until I would walk into the bathroom and vomit, and then he would laugh over my shoulder. To even remember how I permitted the abuse, as I struggled to understand what I had done to make him not love me/emotionally abandon me (and use me as his sexual toy) makes me feel horror, humiliation and shame. I know this much to be true ó this version of him is not the man I loved. Sometimes I see glimpses of my old husband, but I constantly feel like the other shoe is going drop. He was my best friend since I was 18. Iím now 46. I would have loved him until the day he died. I cherished our life and truly felt blessed. I felt beloved in return. It now feels like decades of a grand deception. He called me ďhis wife, his lifeĒ and professed to worshiping me up until a month before he snapped and came home and told me he felt ďno more for me than a stranger in a bus shelter.Ē I was so shell shocked and hurt and broken by his great, cavalier lsundering of our relationship. Now I feel my stomach turn when I think of him., or have to come home from work. I donít think I love him at all. I feel dread. I have no respect for him, I have no trust in him, I think he lacks morals, integrity and honor. A man without honor is no man, in my opinion. Truly, his actions and his entitlement and selfishness are anathema to me. The fact he didnít consider his children either makes me wonder what kind of alien body snatcher inhabited him. He had always been such a doting father. And then he wasnít. Wasnít there for the children, didnít attend any of their school events, or about being there at bedtime etc., didnít care that they were terrified watching him rage at me and hurt watching me cry and sink into a clinical depression. All he cared about during his affair was his appearance and exercise and getting laser eye surgery and getting his teeth whitened and buying a new wardrobe to look younger (while tossing brand-new clothes with tags on them (up to and including Hugo Boss and other designer suits), getting ďshreddedĒ (he is 6í2 and was always in good shape, but his new obsession with diet and his 2-3 hours of daily exercise (which persists) made my mind whirl. It was bizarre to watch his transformation into a complete narcissist. I feel rage often, so I exercise to exhaustion (that is the therapy I find most helpful). Iíve cut myself off from him emotionally as much as possible. Again, however, Iím dealing with a man who has developed some kind of mental illness (he refused further assessment after a psychiatrist told him heíd had a psychotic break (a month after I discovered the affair, and said I was leaving). He did lie to me about attending further sessions (which I only discovered after I made contact with the psychiatrist when I found horrific sex videos he had made behind my back, wherein he made faces of rage in hidden communication with the camera. It was horrifying. At that point the psychiatrist told me my husband had not shown up to four follow-up appointments). His sister has schizo-affective disorder, his grandfather had borderline personality disorder, and his father has never worked since mid-adulthood and had a fanatical religious conversion when he was in his late 40/s and canít stop proselytizing to all and sundry. So I suppose I shouldnít have been so blindsided by his mental breakdown. My psychiatrist and EMDR therapist believe he is bipolar with elements of borderline and narcissistic personality disorder. I will never formally know since he refuses any treatment. In a moment of vulnerability he wept and told me he was afraid he would be told he was like his sister. I have felt compassion and empathy for him. My heart has broken for him. But that has not been reciprocated. Everything is now all about him. His happiness, his body, his career, his wants/needs. He makes no effort to be affectionate or to hold my hand etc and yet tries to have sex with me regularly. But even sex became abuse (I wonít get detailed here but it has been shocking and controlling and he tries to humiliate me) so I canít bear it anymore. It hurts me emotionally. At this point Iím almost past caring. Iím so disgusted by his behavior. He has become a pathological liar, and I canít stand lying. Iím so tired of being immersed in lies and feeling stained by his deception. If not for my children I would be long gone. Would have left him years ago, frankly. If I felt confident in a successful outcome, I would spend the $40,000 the divorce lawyer told me it would cost to hire a forensic paychiatrist, but he is such a masterful liar he would likely be able to deceive them. He is quite affluent and manages a large team across North America for a well-known company so he is highly functional. He has reserved his mania and rage and anger for me (almost entirely). Iím also a well-known television personality in my city and he has threatened to destroy my public image And to destroy my life entirely if I left him. (Iím also going to be honest and admit that ego comes into play here, on some level. (Iím actually ashamed of this, because I know this is extremely shallow and looks donít determine someoneís fidelity, but Iím still working on this aspect of my character). Knowing that while Iíve been lauded for my appearance my entire life he was heaping false praise and cooing at a morally base woman with a facial tic and pronounced overbite and a very thick lower body, just makes me so upset and angry). But I digress. It has been emotional terrorism, and 3.5 years of ceaseless abuse. I guess this is a long-winded way of saying I would not stay if I felt I had a choice. There is so much more that would be damning (from a justice point of view) but I will refrain from saying it here. But Iíve consulted both lawyers and with police friends and I know reporting his behaviour would never achieve what I want. He is so devious and evil now I put nothing past him. That being said, I know my case is extreme. The things I would have to forgive would literally be unimaginable to me if they were not all true. It is almost unbelievable to me that Iíve endured all of this. And that Iíve stayed. And yet Iím still here. So if I am tolerating the intolerable, perhaps your spouse will be able to forgive, especially if you are repentant, empathetic and stable and make him feel safe. You donít sound like the monster my husband has become.

Stinger posted 6/18/2020 10:57 AM

What a horror story. This guy sounds monstrous.

thatbpguy posted 6/18/2020 12:40 PM

I want to touch on something gmc94 mentioned:

...the one thing most WS say they "want" after dday is to heal their BS. And it is something they cannot do.

This is so true. And in a way one of the more important issues of infidelity and R.

It is, literally, impossible for a WS to grasp more than about 5% of what BS go thru. The rip tide of emotions that rage back & forth that are uncontrollable. The mind movies that never seem to end, making one feel so worthless that it's a wonder more BS don't commit suicide. And time does not heal. It just builds up painful scar tissue.

My advice is not to try and understand. It's pointless.

Just be there. Answer questions if asked, work on yourself and be a trusting person to yourself- even if your BS can't see it, at least it's there. Whether a BS stays or leaves, it's up to them and you're out of that picture.

For any WS who has a BS that stays, it's a gift. One that all the money in the world cannot pay for- remember that. Not that BS's are shining people, but they have stayed amidst what may be the worst marital trauma a human can endure.

Lastly, I will disagree that BS's, especially men, eighteen moths later all wish they hadn't. I'll argue that's one hell of a small sample size. There are men who love their wives so deeply (as I did), that to lose that person is even worse than the betrayal. Granted, that WS is no longer on the pedestal, and never will be again. But thru all the WS goes thru, a semblance of love can possibly remain. And for some, it's worth sticking around for.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 12:41 PM, June 18th (Thursday)]

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