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How to heal a hurt wife??

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Voorhees5 posted 4/26/2020 23:15 PM

Welcoming any tips on how to heal a hurt wife. I did the pain. The caused the hurt. She is trying to heal and Iím trying to be the rock to help her through it but I caused it and am a walking trigger. Can anyone share tips they have found helpful to heal a hurt wife?

BraveSirRobin posted 4/26/2020 23:25 PM

You can't heal her. She has to heal herself. What you can do, though, is foster an environment that helps her succeed. Own your bad choices, don't blame her or the marriage for your cheating, show patience in the face of repeated questions and hurt/angry outbursts, and give her total honesty, even if the things you have to admit are gutting to her and risk the end of the marriage.

You aren't going to be a rock, stable and secure while she's falling apart. Your work, if you're doing it right, will take you down hard, to places in yourself that you've avoided for a long time. Introspection will flatten you. Then when you've rebuilt yourselves, you figure out if you can rebuild together.

Order "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and read the pinned post "Things That Every WS Needs to Know." Those will be an excellent place to start.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:57 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

TheLostOne2020 posted 4/27/2020 06:44 AM

Voorhees5

Welcoming any tips on how to heal a hurt wife. I did the pain. The caused the hurt. She is trying to heal and Iím trying to be the rock to help her through it but I caused it and am a walking trigger. Can anyone share tips they have found helpful to heal a hurt wife?

You knowingly took actions you knew would hurt her to her core. How can you be the rock? I don't think you can ever be that again for her. She will need to heal herself. Then she needs to figure out if it's worth it to stay in a relationship with someone who took pleasure in harming her. If she does then it's going to be a long road for reconciliation.

landclark posted 4/27/2020 06:56 AM

Have you stopped cheating? Worked on your why and how? Shared everything? Going to therapy?

You canít be her rock again. Thatís part of why this all sucks. The people we thought had our back no matter what didnít. IF you become her rock again, it can take years. Not sure my WH will ever get that back, TBH. All the times I was most vulnerable, he was cheating.

Being cheated on completely changes everything. Your old marriage is dead. You need to work on being the type of person who is worthy of her time and effort because you havenít been that person. Then she needs to find a way to deal and hopefully ultimately heal. Therapy helps a lot. She will have to learn to be her own rock, unfortunately.

ibonnie posted 4/27/2020 07:25 AM

Consistency and time.

Putting in the work without being asked.

Being proactive -- don't just write on a forum asking for advice. Search for self-help/healing from infidelity books, buy them and read them. Search for websites. SI is great, but if you google you can find some other useful websites or articles.

Own what you did 100% of the time. You killed your marriage AND your wife's longest/best friendship.

Do the housework she might be forgetting because she's caught in such a fog of misery. Don't toot your own horn that you did it.

Take a larger role in helping to make sure the kid-stuff in handled. It's hard keeping track of everyone's virtual schedules and assignments.

Look into writing up post-nuptual and/or separation agreement that is favorable to her. If what you did was a dealbreaker, she can walk away from the marriage without being scared you're going to try and screw her when it comes to child and spousal support payments or staying in the house or whatever she would think is fair.

AnnieMae posted 4/27/2020 08:26 AM

Be there. Own it. Let her ask the questions over and over and you continue to answer them. DO NOT BLAME! Woo her again. Ask her on dates. Tell her she is beautiful. Help around the house without being asked. Put your phone down. Be present. Do not ask her to forget it. You did the crime, give her the time to heal.

somanyyears posted 4/27/2020 08:50 AM


..V 5...

What jumped off the page when I read just your title was the adjective you gave your wife.

..a hurt wife! It was the most "minimal"
description you could choose for the damage done.
If she had been in a car accident and broke every bone in her body, lost an arm and a leg, was blinded in one eye and collapsed one lung..
??
would you tell your friends she got hurt in a car accident???

Just sounds like you're asking for 'tips' on how to grab a 'bandaid' for her cut finger!!

My 2 cents... just from your title!!

smy

HellFire posted 4/27/2020 09:02 AM

The other day, I recommended you read the post pinned at the top of this page. To study it. Read it several times a day. It provides you with exactly what YOUR (not "a") wife is going through, and things you can do to help.

This is a 3 to 5 year process. She's known for weeks. You need to develop some patience.

The best thing you can do to help her is to work on your shit. She won't feel safe until she sees the results of your work. And it has nothing to do with taking care of kids, or housework.

Edited to add...

I read ibonnie's comment, about kids and housework, after I posted. I wanted to clarify that she is correct. My comment was aimed at those waywards who think they're doing "The work" by doing little more than what they,as an adult and parent, should have been doing all along..housework and parenting. But, by all means, step it up. Many BS have trouble getting out of bed,for months, after dday. Parenting becomes difficult. Lack of sleep, pain, and trauma, makes it difficult to be patient with your children.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:14 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

godheals posted 4/27/2020 10:09 AM

It seems very common for new WS to come here and ask how to heal their spouse. Like they want to rush it. It canít be rushed. You canít speed up the process for them. They are things you can do to help her heal but over all the BS has to heal themselves.

Time and patience my friend. Itís a very long road to recovery.

I donít know if you know what heavy lifting is. You have to do this over and over again. And when you think you have done enough your wrong. You do more. Then again.

Donít rush it. Donít push her. Time and patience!!! I take it your new here. Please read. This website has the right tools for you but itís up to you to use those tools right.

gmc94 posted 4/27/2020 10:16 AM

The best thing you can do to help her is to work on your shit. She won't feel safe until she sees the results of your work. And it has nothing to do with taking care of kids, or housework.

Be proactive in changing yourself from a cheater to a safe partner. That's the best thing you can do. BSs are usually in trauma. Their lizard brains are running the show - and that the job of the lizard brain... to protect us from danger, and you are a danger to her. Lizard brain will continue to run the show for awhile. Meanwhile, you must show, via consistent and repeated ACTION, that you are changing to become a safe partner that will allow her lizard brain to relax a little:
- 1000% honest in EVERYTHING (not "just" A-related)
- working on your whys and your hows to change them
- supporting her through HER healing journey (you can't control or dictate it's terms)
- "getting it", "owning it", etc. IOW, accept that you ARE the person who made these destructive choices and that you want to change bc you don't like the man that lied & cheated and was not safe for her
- learning empathy to acknowledge & validate her pain and that you are the cause

The list could go on, but that's what comes to mind at first. One huge key is to be PROACTIVE. Posting here is a good step, but only one of many. It's not about "checking the boxes". It's about digging deep and finding your courage and strength to look deep and hard at yourself.

godheals posted 4/27/2020 10:50 AM

I wanted to add that no taking care of the kids and doing housework wonít help her heal from the actions your A BUT it could take some stress off of her so she can process her feelings and thoughts. So no itís not going directly help her but probably more of a indirect way. The less she has to worry about everyday life stuff could help her process things. I hope that makes sense.

thatbpguy posted 4/27/2020 13:05 PM

From my perspective, I wanted to reiterate a few things...

* No, you will never be her rock again. That said, over time she may be able to place some semblance of trust in you. But you'll never be that first and only person she turns to. The reason why is that she has to detach herself from you. To learn how to be happy and find contentment without you. That will cause a lot of changes in the relationship.

* An expression I heard once was, "go away close". Point being is that you need to be "around" for her for now and you cannot "be there" for her at present. Be there for every meal. Be there to answer questions, be there to assure her of your love.... just be around. Don't push it or yourself on her. Healing is a slow and painful process.

* Do follow the suggestion to purchase 'How to help your spouse heal from an affair'.

* Again, don't push anything- sex, asking for forgiveness, any PDA.... let her lead for a while.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 4/27/2020 14:00 PM

Ask yourself why you didn't want to be her rock before. Why didn't you care so much about her hurt feelings before you took away her agency? The answer will tell you why you cannot be her rock now. Is it for you or for her?

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 2:00 PM, April 27th (Monday)]

Zugzwang posted 4/27/2020 16:10 PM

A ton of good advice. Really patience, time, not being defensive, more time, not hurting her anymore, letting go of the outcome, not forcing her to forgive or get over it already, patience, more time.

Voorhees5 posted 4/27/2020 21:59 PM

I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. There is always a lot of good advice here trinkled in with some who are clearly hurt and judging. Itís hard to hear both but right now itís hard to hear anything. I will buy the book and start reading more than posting as recommended. I Also read the post pinned which was helpful. I am glad she told me about this site but I feel like Iíve intruded her space here and if I post it affects her or what she is posting or discussing in other forums. We agreed to not read each other stuff here but clearly ppl posting with comments from our personal story and stuff I didnít mention makes it clear. I appreciate everyone time again and those who gave well wishes. Thank you.

Voorhees5 posted 4/27/2020 22:08 PM

How to help your spouse heal from an affair'.

There appears to be several books named this. Is there a specific author I should be looking for ?

gmc94 posted 4/28/2020 03:02 AM

The cover of my book is:

How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair (A compact manual for the unfaithful) by Linda S MacDonald.

Voorhees5 posted 4/28/2020 08:05 AM

Thank you gmc i found it now!

somanyyears posted 4/28/2020 09:26 AM


..V..5,

..I hope 'I' didn't hurt your feelings??

You see, minimizing is one of those things easy to spot from a wayward's tool box of defenses.

I'll step away from your thread and not take the chance of hurting your feelings again.

I'll pray for both of you tonight.

Sincerely,
smy

Zugzwang posted 4/28/2020 09:43 AM

There is always a lot of good advice here trinkled in with some who are clearly hurt and judging.

You better get tougher skin than that. If you are hurt and defensive over strangers judging you...you clearly probably get that way over your wife. Believe us, she is judging way harsher than any of us. We aren't emotionally involved in the story. Your wife is. I always came away with the perspective that if this is how BS feel and are free to express it...it is how my own BS probably feels and she felt restrained to express it.

Instead of getting defensive, why don't you figure out why you even care that strangers judge you. You are guilty of cheating. Your are guilty of hurting people. So own it. They judge you on your guilt. If it makes you feel ashamed...good. At least you know you aren't a sociopath or psycopath because you should feel shame from hurtful guilty actions.

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