janet5879 posted 3/5/2020 10:07 AM

I just cheated for the first time, and I feel awful. I hate myself right now, and just needed someone to talk to.

We've been married for 3 years now. I was drunk and liked the attention, and it just happened this Monday.

eehamlet posted 3/5/2020 10:14 AM

"I was drunk and liked the attention" - These are just the excuses you use to justify your betrayal.

I've been drunk. I like attention. My wife has been drunk. She likes attention. So have probably every other BS on this forum. We didn't cheat on our spouses.

You did what you did because YOU wanted to not because you were drunk or wanted the attention.

Realize that first and then you can move on.

Lalagirl posted 3/5/2020 10:16 AM

I hope this gets moved to the Wayward section - you will get more help there.

TheLostOne2020 posted 3/5/2020 10:30 AM

Read up on the Healing Library. Then tell your husband. Do whatever he needs you to do.

oldtruck posted 3/5/2020 10:33 AM

yes notify the mods to have your moved to the WS
section.

you will have to tell your BH.
you will have to go NC, no contact with your OM.
also STD tests to make sure you did not catch.
anything to pass on to your BH.

change your mind set that it is ok to go out and
get drunk without your BH.

if you cannot drink without getting drunk then you
do not go out drinking. no more GNO.

how did you meet this OM?

janet5879 posted 3/5/2020 10:50 AM

new here, wasn't sure what section to post in.

I met him while I was away in California this weekend. Did not get his info, so I'll never see him again. Going to the doctor tonight.

BeyondRage posted 3/5/2020 10:58 AM

Janet,

You'll get plenty of advice no matter what section, but the first thing you need to do is tell your husband immediately and tell him everything.

The worst thing you can do is to unfortunately what i am also sure you will hear here is to run to some therapist who may advise you to keep this secret from your husband. You will never truly reconcile keeping this secret and your husband deserves to know the truth from you.

Theres plenty of time for therapists once this unfolds.

Stevesn posted 3/5/2020 11:56 AM

Quick piece of advice, if you have any correspondence (text, social media, email... etc) DO NOT DELETE IT. You will regret that you did. If you wish to someday rebuild a relationship with your BS (betrayed spouse) you will have to be completely open and honest and show him everything that was communicated between you and your AP (affair partner).

SI Staff posted 3/5/2020 12:41 PM

WalkingHome posted 3/5/2020 13:36 PM

Not that there is a less bad form of cheating, but a lot of BSs have opined that a ONS is a lot easier to forgive than a long term affiar with the trappings of a full blown relationship. Not trying to minimize either one...

Be honest with your BS. Give him the full story in play by play fashion and write it down for him as he will be in too much shock to remember much.

Tell him what you want your relationship to look like in a year and in 5 years.

Tell him how you plan to address this behavior and how you will prevent it from happening again.

Offer an amicable divorce and accept his wishes.

Zugzwang posted 3/5/2020 17:00 PM

Clarify drunk. Did you get drunk on purpose to cheat?

AFL1000 posted 3/5/2020 17:27 PM

Hi Janet

I am sorry you find yourself here but I'm glad you did. You will receive wonderful support from the members of SI so please listen to what they say.

Unfortunately in amongst any other titles you may have such as wife, friend, lover you now have the unenviable title of wayward wife (WW) and he will forever be a betrayed husband (BH). Yes you cheated on him but at the moment you are not a liar. You have the opportunity to tell him the truth of what happened. If you read many of the betrayed spouse threads it was the lies they told to cover up their actions that hurt the most.

Do not attempt to tell your husband it was just a drunken mistake. As SI members will tell you it was not a mistake it was a decision. At anytime from meeting this guy to jumping into bed with him you had plenty of opportunities to tell yourself NO. Do not hide behind the I was drunk defense. Getting drunk was also a decision, albeit a poor one.

When you tell your husband be prepared for a cascade of emotions ..anger, rage, sadness, confusion..you will get it all but you will have bear it and pull on your big girl panties and weather the storm. Is this a deal breaker for him, only you know. Have you previously discussed what might happen if either of you cheated in the relationship?

You have only been married 3 years so you are still in the 'honeymoon phase' of the marriage. This will be hard for your husband to accept why you took this action so early in the marriage.

I note that at the moment you are allowing both betrayed and wayward spouses to post on your thread. You have the option to ask the mods to put up the Stop sign so you only get posts from waywards. It's your call.

Please keep posting so that the good people of SI can help you. The more information you provide us the more we can help you.

I wish you well on your journey of healing for both you and your husband.

Hippo16 posted 3/5/2020 17:50 PM

janet5879

Your post isn't very informative.

I'm guessing you have some personal issues to discover or admit.

If people start bashing you - ask for stopsign.

If you want BS take on what you have done, just read in JFO.

Only 3 years married and a ONS with a stranger whom you don't know?!!!

Get to your GYN for total assay of your health and know that a backup visit is needed in 6 months or as your doc suggests.

Do you have ANY idea how many your ONS has bedded and have you considered the possible risks? Does he have your information and maybe an inclination to post his "conquest" to others? Or work? Or professional organization peers?

And is pregnancy a risk? Of course it is. BC can greatly reduce the chance but only abstinence is 100% Certain.

Reading the healing library will start you on your path of self valuation and give you some idea on what to expect.

Good luck

edit: I'm going to shoot my spell checker

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 8:45 PM, March 5th (Thursday)]

survrus posted 3/5/2020 18:44 PM

Janet,

Write down every detail you know about the OM it is likely your H will not believe you that you don't know who he is. You need to track him down.

forgettableDad posted 3/6/2020 01:17 AM

Be honest with your husband and yourself.
Understand that it's not a mistake. Cheating (long term, short term, one nights, etc) is a series of steps and decisions that you make in order to take that final leap of unfaith.

Figure out why. Why you wanted to cheat. Because you wanted to cheat. It's not the alcohol.

Find a good therapist. Throw yourself into IC and work it hard.

Understand that you broke your marriage. You need to let go of the result of that decision. Help yourself and help your husband.

Obviously go get checked for STDs and pregnancy.

Good luck; I hope you both get find healing and the path out of this.

gmc94 posted 3/6/2020 16:56 PM

I'm one of the BS who did not have a serious, traumatic, reaction to my WH having a ONS. Unfortunately, there was no internet back then, so I did not have support like that found on SI. All I can say is that in hindsight, I really wish I'd demanded that my WH seek immediate counseling for the ONS (with a prostitute). I wish I'd realized (or better - that HE had realized) that he had issues that needed to be addressed for him to be a spouse that was safe for me. I truly believe that had we really addressed the ONS at the time, we would have had a far better M, he would not have had an LTA, and he would not have attempted suicide (I found him hanging, unconscious, in our garage - he died in my arms and was later revived by EMS).

I say this because it is SUPER important that you get some counseling - whether or not your BS asks or demands it. People cheat (whether a drunken ONS or an EA or a PA or a LTA or whatever) because of something missing inside themselves. That person is NOT a safe partner for anyone until they get to the bottom of that and make the hard and necessary changes in their thought patterns, their need for external validation, their self esteem, etc.

So, even if you tell your BS and s/he is able to forgive like I was (I literally NEVER brought it up again for more than 20 years, when I learned of the LTA and basically a lifetime of a secret sexual life), please understand that his forgiveness is NOT enough to make you safe. There are tons of statistics about repeat cheaters (and we see it all too often on SI).

Yes, I "get" that it sucks to think of one's self as broken or in need of counseling. Look at it this way, you have been diagnosed with cancer of the mind/heart/soul, as evidenced by your ONS. Now, some may consider a ONS as "stage 1" to the extent it MAY (or may not) be seen by you or your BS as more easily 'treated' than stage 4 (something longer, something with an emotional or "love" component. And I'm talking about the TREATMENT of the WS here, not the pain or trauma to the BS). So, maybe you can excise the tumor (eg confession & quick forgiveness - which may or may not happen with your BS) and think all will be well. The problem is there is solid evidence to suggest that chemo (ie individual counseling to figure out why you did this, how you gave yourself permission, what happened to the love and respect you have vowed to your BS, etc) is probably the best way to have a far better chance of living without any recurrence.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 4:58 PM, March 6th, 2020 (Friday)]