LifeDestroyer posted 2/22/2020 19:57 PM

Do you find that you breakdown in a certain spot or time of day? 90% of the time when I take a shower, I end up breaking down. I crumple to the ground and just cry. It's as if the reality of everything I did comes flooding out of the shower head and washes over me.

Does that happen to anyone else?

MIgander posted 2/22/2020 20:05 PM

Car rides- hour long commute on the way home. Especially on the way in in the morning...

Thanksgiving2016 posted 2/22/2020 22:27 PM

I broke down in the shower every day and on the way to and from work every day for at least a year. Actually in the shower for at least 2 years.

2timesunfaithful posted 2/23/2020 09:47 AM

I breakdown, usually on weekend mornings, and kick myself for stupidity and selfishness.
Every A-season, even 5 years later, you remember; my BS remembers and suffers far worse than I ever will.

forgettableDad posted 2/23/2020 10:38 AM

At first yeah, taking a shower and just feeling.. ick.

My worst was walking around the house at night (I don't really like sleeping tbh) and looking into the kids' rooms. Realizing the enormity of the pain and devestatation I caused.. and nearly caused.

That said; these days not so much. I've gone through that particular desert and came out the other side a better a person. It's a hard journey. I hope you'll find respite at the end of it.

LifeDestroyer posted 2/23/2020 10:42 AM

Driving alone and putting our daughter to bed are other prime times too. I'll look at her as she's laying there and just start thinking about all the ways her world has changed because of what I chose to do.

bluephoenix posted 2/23/2020 14:48 PM

I haven't had the chance to really lose my shit over this with tears so I have about 6 months of backup. I'm pretty sure it's going to be explosive when I do.

Zugzwang posted 2/27/2020 18:36 PM

Before we started healing together. I would break down when I saw my family come together. Wife and children. I would feel so outside of that. Wanting that and looking at myself as why I wasn't a part of that.

During that time there was that commercial where a couple was always saying "never us". They would see people settling down, never wanting kids when they saw another family on the plane with kids. Never wanting a house when they were in their apartment. Never wanting a SUV when they had their car. Never wanting more than one kid...then the last shot was them as a big family just sitting together on the couch and being so content and saying they were never letting go of this. This is what it is all about. That is what most "single" people out there are looking for. When I realized and when I saw as the trigger that going on with my wife and the kiddos...and I was on the outside of that...yeah...that was the go to the bathroom and breakdown time.

Hippo16 posted 2/27/2020 19:02 PM

LD:

From a very old BS -

I think this is fairly common - it happens when you are alone with yourself and somewhat devoid of outside influences - like driving on an almost deserted road as MIgander says

Car rides- hour long commute on the way home. Especially on the way in in the morning...

Other than the pain inside - worried about not being able to see clearly via very wet eyes . . .

It has been many years - seems it will never go away - even though very rarely happens anymore.

One good thing - I don't wear mascara!!

ibonnie posted 2/27/2020 20:33 PM

I don't cry but doing dishes is when I find myself zoning out and just going over and over everything that happened in my head.

ibonnie posted 2/27/2020 20:33 PM

I don't cry but doing dishes is when I find myself zoning out and just going over and over everything that happened in my head.

Chaos posted 2/28/2020 10:13 AM

My long commute gets me. I have a play list to help and always have audio books I can quie up as well.

Showers were pure Hell in the beginning.

When I wake in the middle of the night - I usually end up weeping.

And - if I'm being brutally honest with myself - after some good sex. It works in the moment for sure but then the reality comes back and I cry in private.

kairos posted 2/28/2020 10:28 AM

Facebook randomly gives the anniversary updates with a picture from that day. For example, a pic showed up from 2 years ago from when my ex-wife and I were sitting and laughing at Ikea. It was a lovely moment that I'd trade everything for.

The other breakdown moments are when I come across meaningful items in the house that she and I shared. I get pretty damned sad.

I'm not even sure this is a breakdown. I think about her every single day. It gets tiring but it's just what my mind does.

brokenInDenver posted 2/28/2020 16:01 PM

For me its my ride home. I don't know why, I just start thinking about my wife and how things are different now. Some things are better, some not so much. Looking at old pictures of us gets me too.

Breathinglife posted 3/1/2020 09:21 AM

I breakdown when BS does. When I see BS stare at little kids (he gave up the possibility of having a family by staying with me after a huge betrayal years ago,I couldn't give him a child, he had an opportunity to be with someone good, beautiful and who could have given him one). When BS can't stand to feel my arms around him or my hands touching him. Ads regarding vacations, marriage,wedding bands, happy families. Not having any pictures in our home anymore. When I feel lonely and then I recall his isolation and trauma. And a million more, too many to enumerate.
The shower for me is like a cleanser of the energetic ick I carry on me all the time. Sometimes I do cry there though

LifeDestroyer posted 3/3/2020 07:13 AM

Waking my daughter up in the morning also does it. This morning I watched her as she slept on her belly just like her daddy does. They're really twins when it's comes to their sleeping positions. She woke up and reached her arm around me. I felt the tears coming as I scratched her neck.

I was such a selfish piece of shit.