This Topic is Archived
LifeDestroyer (original poster member #71163) posted at 1:57 AM on Sunday, February 23rd, 2020
Do you find that you breakdown in a certain spot or time of day? 90% of the time when I take a shower, I end up breaking down. I crumple to the ground and just cry. It's as if the reality of everything I did comes flooding out of the shower head and washes over me.
Does that happen to anyone else?
Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.
We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.
As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.
MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:05 AM on Sunday, February 23rd, 2020
Car rides- hour long commute on the way home. Especially on the way in in the morning...
WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Thanksgiving2016 ( member #63462) posted at 4:27 AM on Sunday, February 23rd, 2020
I broke down in the shower every day and on the way to and from work every day for at least a year. Actually in the shower for at least 2 years.
2timesunfaithful ( member #47670) posted at 3:47 PM on Sunday, February 23rd, 2020
I breakdown, usually on weekend mornings, and kick myself for stupidity and selfishness.
Every A-season, even 5 years later, you remember; my BS remembers and suffers far worse than I ever will.
Me: WH 59 I lied to cover up my deceit. Her: BW 40's at D-day [BlueIris]M 26 years | 3 great kids
"A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once. - Shakespeare
forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 4:38 PM on Sunday, February 23rd, 2020
At first yeah, taking a shower and just feeling.. ick.
My worst was walking around the house at night (I don't really like sleeping tbh) and looking into the kids' rooms. Realizing the enormity of the pain and devestatation I caused.. and nearly caused.
That said; these days not so much. I've gone through that particular desert and came out the other side a better a person. It's a hard journey. I hope you'll find respite at the end of it.
LifeDestroyer (original poster member #71163) posted at 4:42 PM on Sunday, February 23rd, 2020
Driving alone and putting our daughter to bed are other prime times too. I'll look at her as she's laying there and just start thinking about all the ways her world has changed because of what I chose to do.
Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.
We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.
As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.
bluephoenix ( member #71501) posted at 8:48 PM on Sunday, February 23rd, 2020
I haven't had the chance to really lose my shit over this with tears so I have about 6 months of backup. I'm pretty sure it's going to be explosive when I do.
BW- (me) 2nd marriage
WH- (him) 2nd marriage
Vagina pics from old girlfriend on FB 12/16
2 month Long distance EA and PA once with childhood FB friend 12/07/18-02/02/19
D-Day 09/01/2019 two weeks after married
Zugzwang ( member #39069) posted at 12:36 AM on Friday, February 28th, 2020
Before we started healing together. I would break down when I saw my family come together. Wife and children. I would feel so outside of that. Wanting that and looking at myself as why I wasn't a part of that.
During that time there was that commercial where a couple was always saying "never us". They would see people settling down, never wanting kids when they saw another family on the plane with kids. Never wanting a house when they were in their apartment. Never wanting a SUV when they had their car. Never wanting more than one kid...then the last shot was them as a big family just sitting together on the couch and being so content and saying they were never letting go of this. This is what it is all about. That is what most "single" people out there are looking for. When I realized and when I saw as the trigger that going on with my wife and the kiddos...and I was on the outside of that...yeah...that was the go to the bathroom and breakdown time.
"Nothing in this world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty." Teddy Roosevelt
D-day 9-4-12 Me;WS
Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 1:02 AM on Friday, February 28th, 2020
LD:
From a very old BS -
I think this is fairly common - it happens when you are alone with yourself and somewhat devoid of outside influences - like driving on an almost deserted road as MIgander says
Car rides- hour long commute on the way home. Especially on the way in in the morning...
Other than the pain inside - worried about not being able to see clearly via very wet eyes . . .
It has been many years - seems it will never go away - even though very rarely happens anymore.
One good thing - I don't wear mascara!!
There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery."For a person with integrity, there is no possibility of being unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, but not unhappy enough to ask for divorce."
ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 2:33 AM on Friday, February 28th, 2020
I don't cry but doing dishes is when I find myself zoning out and just going over and over everything that happened in my head.
"I will survive, hey, hey!"
ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 2:33 AM on Friday, February 28th, 2020
I don't cry but doing dishes is when I find myself zoning out and just going over and over everything that happened in my head.
"I will survive, hey, hey!"
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:13 PM on Friday, February 28th, 2020
My long commute gets me. I have a play list to help and always have audio books I can quie up as well.
Showers were pure Hell in the beginning.
When I wake in the middle of the night - I usually end up weeping.
And - if I'm being brutally honest with myself - after some good sex. It works in the moment for sure
but then the reality comes back and I cry in private.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
kairos ( member #65719) posted at 4:28 PM on Friday, February 28th, 2020
Facebook randomly gives the anniversary updates with a picture from that day. For example, a pic showed up from 2 years ago from when my ex-wife and I were sitting and laughing at Ikea. It was a lovely moment that I'd trade everything for.
The other breakdown moments are when I come across meaningful items in the house that she and I shared. I get pretty damned sad.
I'm not even sure this is a breakdown. I think about her every single day. It gets tiring but it's just what my mind does.
"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone."
brokenInDenver ( member #71262) posted at 10:01 PM on Friday, February 28th, 2020
For me its my ride home. I don't know why, I just start thinking about my wife and how things are different now. Some things are better, some not so much. Looking at old pictures of us gets me too.
BS (me) early 50s. WW late 40s. Two step-kids, no children of our own. Still married
Breathinglife ( new member #71345) posted at 3:21 PM on Sunday, March 1st, 2020
I breakdown when BS does. When I see BS stare at little kids (he gave up the possibility of having a family by staying with me after a huge betrayal years ago,I couldn't give him a child, he had an opportunity to be with someone good, beautiful and who could have given him one). When BS can't stand to feel my arms around him or my hands touching him. Ads regarding vacations, marriage,wedding bands, happy families. Not having any pictures in our home anymore. When I feel lonely and then I recall his isolation and trauma. And a million more, too many to enumerate.
The shower for me is like a cleanser of the energetic ick I carry on me all the time. Sometimes I do cry there though
LifeDestroyer (original poster member #71163) posted at 1:13 PM on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2020
Waking my daughter up in the morning also does it. This morning I watched her as she slept on her belly just like her daddy does. They're really twins when it's comes to their sleeping positions. She woke up and reached her arm around me. I felt the tears coming as I scratched her neck.
I was such a selfish piece of shit.
Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.
We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.
As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.
This Topic is Archived