wantstorepair posted 12/27/2019 15:18 PM

So this month especially is horribly painful for my BS and the triggers are everywhere and her pain magnified. We are now a mere month after DD # too many too count, and after more violence (me getting angry and barging into the house after being told I couldn't come in to use the bathroom, despite being invited in all the time and even invited to spend the night there occasionally) and during the most horrific triggering week of the year which I felt entitled to the kids for Christmas and sabotaged her restitution trip over the holiday by asking if I could go with them. All this on top of 25 years of abuse and cheating and lies I am certainly the asshole here and there is no disputing it. R isn't happening and as "I am desperately trying to figure out what is going on and trying to get to custody arrangements with the kids an figure our finances and communication with BS, nothing is working to communicate and be civil.
This morning early(nighttime) she sent me an e-mail telling me to cancel a few things, and then around 8 she send me a messenger asking when I would send the financial plan to her. I
said I would send it after putting into a different format (she does not like spreadsheets). and away we go. she went off on me saying that I was blaming her for why it was delayed (although there was no date established to deliver it), and then rapid fire texting me about what an asshole I was. So about 30 infuse later I responded to her e-mail attaching the document I write about the finances. then in texted her and said I e mailed. She proceeded to go off on me about why I was using e-mail as a unreliable source of communication and that she had told me time and time and time again that email was not a good form of communication and what a dick I was fo not respecting her. (please keep in mind that I was responding to the e-mail she sent me a few hours earlier).
So I went off at the hypocrisy and the craziness and the absurdity of what was happening - being defensive and building a frustrated rage that further derailed the day and any chance of a conversation that would yield solutions, results, decisions... anything. part of her response back to me after saying that she had a headache from looking at screens all the time and that the financial stuff I sent her she couldn't focus on and was a MESS. (it was a one page word document) and I pointed out that when she was managing the finances that she would use multiple sheets of paper and arrows and highlighters to follow her stubby pencil work, and that what I sent her was in fact not a mess. she then proceeded to tell me that I should have snail mailed the document to her. again keeping in mind she asked for it electronically this morning and the complained about the delay in getting it.

The rest of the day has gone much the same and
I can't freaking take it. It is like this so much and quickly I cannot even follow what we are talking about because of the back and forth texting and the fact that I type slow and she will get out 3-4 one line text questions before I can respond to one, and then I am quickly overwhelmed and being and being all capos yelled at for not answering her questions. It is maddening and drives me into a defensive rage.

This isn't working. Does anyone else have perspective and ideas on how to better communicate with someone who is so hurt and destroyed that they aren't making any damn sense?

Got it, this is all my fault. How do we move forward and come to any conclusions or move forward at all?

forgettableDad posted 12/27/2019 15:33 PM

Got it, this is all my fault.

I don't know what you expect to hear to be honest. Your wife is in a lot of pain and she doesn't trust you. Beyond that she has her own past and patterns which set the tone for the patterns of your marriage in as much as your shitty patterns have. And unless you guys want to work together on your relationship, those patterns are currently feeding more toxicity.

If written communications is difficult; minimize those interactions and actually call to speak.

If emails are triggering. Write out your documents and set a time every night to sit face-to-face, present and discuss.

You and her need to set out well defined boundaries on your interactions. And no detail is too small. The most important part is clarity for her sake (and for yours).

You can't just "better communicate" with someone who is in this much pain; she needs to lash out. She is making sense. You need to learn to listen to what she's saying, not what you think she's saying or what you want to hear. And try to tone down your own bullshit. I don't think anyone is buying it.

Beyond that; like I said in your other thread. Find a good therapist. Knuckle down and drag yourself through this broken glass of a journey. I could do it. So can you.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 3:34 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

BluesPower posted 12/27/2019 15:51 PM

You know, I am sorry. And I don't want to kick you while you are down.

However, you are acting like a jerk. Hate to put it that way. But after all the trauma that you have put your wife though you still have the nerve to be put out with her for anything.

REALLY?????

Dude, seriously, YOU CAUSED ALL OF THIS. SHE could be the craziest bitch in the world and she did not deserve what did to her.

You on the other hand actually deserve what she is giving you. Let's just forget the fact that the trauma she has suffered may in fact ruin the rest of her life and any future relationships.

Right now, she probably is crazy.

Does any of this ring true with you?

You have got to get to a different place for your STBXW and yourself. Thinking like this is not good for your or anyone that you ever get with in the future.

Please find your empathy...

[This message edited by BluesPower at 3:52 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

66charger posted 12/27/2019 16:12 PM

This statement

So I went off at the hypocrisy and the craziness and the absurdity of what was happening

Shows that this statement is false.

Got it, this is all my fault

If you truly "Got it" and felt anything close to remorse, you would understand that

someone who is so hurt and destroyed that they aren't making any damn sense

is normal. Communicate with yourself first before you write about the failings of your STBXW.

She is divorcing you. Based on this thread, that is exactly what she should do. You are a seriel cheater who shot his wife multiple times and you start a thread complaining that she is bleeding all over your shoes.

WTF is the matter with you dude?

[This message edited by 66charger at 4:19 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

KingRat posted 12/27/2019 16:21 PM

Just cut her a break. Honestly, I believe that is the least you can do. Be patient with her. It seems like you get very upset when you cannot control the situation. I can't say much more without violating guidelines.

kairos posted 12/27/2019 16:23 PM

This makes me so sad. I see part of myself in your response, and there's nothing anyone could've said to help me in how I treated my lovely wife (soon to be ex) during the beginning. I was terrible, selfish, and deserved nothing. I took everything from her. It's so clear how someone in your situation needs to practice absolute ninja-style support to her, regardless of the outcome.

You're going to get a lot of 2x4s here. People will have a visceral, emotional reaction to this because it's so apparent to everyone but you. I'm not going to do that. Wantstorepair, every instinctive/ego reaction you are having and going to have for the next 6-9 months will be wrong and worsen the situation. You are your own worse enemy right now, and her worst nightmare.

If this were a disease, the only cure would be emergency surgery. And I hate to say it, but you are the disease. I repeat: you are the disease. And you probably already know that.

I honestly don't think any advice anyone gives will help you at this stage. As I mentioned before, you need a radical change. So, let's pause for a second in all of this. Take a step back. Try to see the situation for what it is. How can you extract yourself from this situation so she can start her healing process and not deal with your ego, lies, and bullshit? Maybe start there. But don't trust your instincts friend. You're in the 'save it' phase, and you're going all the way down brotha.

TwiceWounded posted 12/27/2019 16:27 PM

In your last post you say you haven't cheated physically for 9 years, but in this post you say there was a D-Day a month ago. And you have other posts from May about prior D-Days and 5 physical affairs.

Something doesn't line up here--I think the first step is being honest with yourself about what's going on. If you're sugarcoating your behavior even to yourself, it's no wonder your BW is going crazy--she has no idea which way is up or down right now. She just knows she has to divorce you, and she's 100% right.

You admit you're selfish and a narcissist. That's good. Now what are you going to do about it?

DevastatedDee posted 12/27/2019 16:34 PM

You have been a complete asshole to this woman for TWENTY-FIVE YEARS. She's psychologically and emotionally wrecked right now and you're having trouble dealing? This is nothing at all compared to what you've done to her. If all you're experiencing is a little irritation, good lord man. You're bitching about your paper cut while she's a 3rd degree burn victim.

You knew what you were doing when you cheated on her over and over again. You didn't care. Yet you're bothered that she is inconsistent in how she's asking you to communicate, as if you are entitled to her caring about your thoughts and feelings at all now. You aren't entitled to her consideration. And yes, it really and truly is all your fault. I don't expect you to suddenly figure out how to have empathy for her now, because that sounds like it would require magic. Maybe take a baby step towards losing the entitlement at least. I know that in the aftermath of DDay that I would absolutely explode with rage at my serial cheater XWH when he'd act entitled. My brain couldn't take the irony of it. It's like kicking your dog for years and then yelling at him when he won't come to your call. It doesn't make the least bit of sense for you to expect her to be considerate of you. Seriously, you have hurt her more than any other human on earth has and you're the person she should be catering to? Seriously? Does that make sense to you?

landclark posted 12/27/2019 16:39 PM

You reap what you sow.

LifeDestroyer posted 12/27/2019 16:44 PM

I pointed out that when she was managing the finances that she would use multiple sheets of paper and arrows and highlighters to follow her stubby pencil work, and that what I sent her was in fact not a mess.

You didn't actually say that to her did you? You didn't actually point out how you did something better than after fucking her over for over 26 years, did you?

Unless she is cursing you out/calling you names in front of the kids or physically abusing you, you communicate with her in whatever way she wants. If she wants to email you and then get mad when you reply back, so be it. You text her an apology for replying to the email. We are the ones who betrayed our spouse. We have no idea what is going on in their head/heart every single minute. She might tell you one minute to email it to her and then the next put it in the mailbox because email isn't safe. Put a stamp on it and mail it. Then send her an email telling her that you just mailed it and ask if she would also like to receive it via email (for future documents).

She's not being a hypocrite or crazy or absurd. She's trying to make sense of her new world. You took 26 years of her life from her. The least you can do is give her however much time she needs to find some peace in her life.

Darkness Falls posted 12/27/2019 16:49 PM

Communicate about the divorce only through your respective lawyers, would be my advice.

Buck posted 12/27/2019 17:04 PM

Listen to darkness falls.There appears to be too much emotion and pain to effectively communicate with each other. Get a mediator if you don't have one. Use them to communicate. Get an app for the custody schedule. Something like Coparently or Our Family Wizard.

Things will get better with time.

Sanibelredfish posted 12/27/2019 18:04 PM

I agree with everyone suggesting an amicable divorce mediated through lawyers. Once you’re single again, I hope you fall in love with your female equivalent.

thatbpguy posted 12/27/2019 18:31 PM

This isn't working. Does anyone else have perspective and ideas on how to better communicate with someone who is so hurt and destroyed that they aren't making any damn sense?

Got it, this is all my fault. How do we move forward and come to any conclusions or move forward at all?

I think you move forward by taking a break from each other. You need to get your life in order and do some serious work within yourself. She needs to deal with the betraying pain you have caused and hopefully learn to cope better. I think you're her major trigger.

So long as the both of you are remotely open to R, there is a way to try and make it happen.

Aside from things that must be discussed, try 30-90 days NC. Get help. R isn't easy. Fight to make yourself better and fight to be the man she needs to feel safe with.

Hallmack posted 12/27/2019 18:32 PM

Jesus this post makes me sick. You make me sick.

kairos posted 12/27/2019 18:52 PM

HallMack, the purpose of this forum is to give people a place to seek advice, perspective. Maybe this is triggering for you? Maybe you believe calling him 'sick' will help the situation? Friendly admonishment here: even the worst of us can get better. Not trying to be contrarian. And maybe that's what I and other WSs need.

[This message edited by Pdxguy at 6:56 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

Hallmack posted 12/27/2019 19:19 PM

Yeah it’s triggering. Obviously. Go ahead and coddle this guy. He wanted BS responses. Believe me mine is severely edited. Guy needs to know that his thinking is sick... because it is. Go ahead and read that again and tell me it’s not some sick stuff.

kairos posted 12/27/2019 19:47 PM

Hallmack... My thinking was sick too. As much as it pains me, I see what you're saying. The fine line of honesty and support....

juki posted 12/27/2019 20:14 PM

You still think in terms of punishment for something that cannot be rectified, and you think an SI ass-whipping will make you feel better. You’ve been delusional for so long, you’re still clinging to the belief that you’re superior to an honest and loyal person. When you accept that you’re a loser, you’ll start to grow. Gotta go down, before you can go up. You’re trying to hang on to your delusional world, where you could appear as a person of dignity, as long as no one knew the real you. It’s humbling, but it’s not as scary as you think. It’s actually freeing. We’re all losers, all the same. Take off your ego and try on human for a while. You’ll get used to it.

juki posted 12/27/2019 20:17 PM

Or give your wife a generous divorce, and continue your life as a greasy lizard.