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I sent my dead WH a text tonight.

CatsNTats posted 11/14/2019 19:23 PM

I sent my dead WH a text message tonight. Onnnn my way to crazy town.

Jesus. Fuck.

This morning - this morning was the fucking pits.

I get to clinical at 6:20 a.m. I was the last to get my assignment - which was with a nurse that shared the same fucking name as my deceased WH. I about choked on my own spit when she wrote our names on the paper together like I have so many times with my WH and I. The paper I had to carry on my person the entire day and keep referring to.

Yesterday - I was warned by a professor about the class lecture being about death and dying, with permission to skip. And I did.

Yesterday in Pathophys, our discussion of liver disease and liver failure lead into discussions about alcoholics and heavy drinkers. The same shit that killed him.

All these fucking triggers in my life that are UN-fucking-avoidable.

I've compartmentalized a lot since I got back from the funeral so I can get through this semester - hopefully without failing anything. But today was too fucking much.

Tonight I raged and cried as I sent a text message to his number that has probably landed in the eyes of some random stranger. Or not. I don't know. I don't really care either. I can't say it to him because he's fucking dead, but it felt like I was sending it to him.

Does that make me a fucking nut job?

Oh, and I talked to his mom today. Apparently his dad wants the Xbox and video games - because they're worth "money". In 6 years I never saw him touch one video game. I don't even think that thing worked.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 7:28 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

EllieKMAS posted 11/14/2019 19:35 PM

Oh cats

You aren't crazy. You are GRIEVING. Grief is such a weird and sneaky emotion and you will be up and down with it for a while. My XSIL passed away 2.5 years ago and waves still hit me too. You have a lot to grieve about and the only way out is through.

All those triggers sound just awful - I am so sorry.

And seriously fuck your xFIL. What a douchehole.

So many hugs heading your way! Just take care of you and breathe. You will get through this.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/14/2019 20:21 PM

Sounds totally normal to me, and I am glad you are GETTING IT OUT. Yeah, you have to compartmentalize to get through school, but you need to release it when you can. RAGE all you want when you have the opportunity.

Your FIL is a real peach. Can you block them now? Is there any reason you need to remain in contact with them?

(((CNT)))

Adlham posted 11/14/2019 21:33 PM

I'm kind of a bitter, malicious, nasty bitch when pushed.

I'd be tempted to send that Xbox to him one fucking piece at a time.

Cats, it's early days. Allow yourself to grieve. You have a lot to grieve about. You have the right to grieve. All the rest is just superfluous noise.

deena04 posted 11/14/2019 22:54 PM

^^^ what was said above...One piece at a time and covered in mayonnaise or something else thatís horrible. Seriously, screw what your father-in-law wants. Do not let these people control one ounce of your life anymore.

Superesse posted 11/14/2019 23:41 PM

Dear CatsNTats, I'm so proud of your ability to power down and do the hard studying at this time, wow; I bet you will become a fantastic health care professional in the near future! But you have to hold on to your steady sense of self in all of this, and then his drama will become a thing apart from you.

Odonna posted 11/15/2019 07:09 AM

Good for you for venting it all here! Seriously, that is a healthy thing for you to do to combat the obsessive thinking.

Just keep in doing what you are doing. And maybe donate that Xbox and games to a group home for disabled adults, or a home for troubled teens. Put it to good use and take the tax deduction. (PS: I am assuming you are the executor if the estate and are complying with probate rules to compile an inventory of estate assets and document distributions).

DevastatedDee posted 11/15/2019 08:40 AM

Cats, I have sent a dead person a text. I'm not about to judge. If you're a nutjob, you have plenty of company. The trauma you have experienced is real and it is that bad. You are managing to function and that is enough to pat yourself on the back for right now. It's totally valid to feel all the things you're feeling.

Your FIL is a complete piece of shit. I wouldn't waste a single brain cell's time on trying to do anything for him. He SHOULD be so broken up by the loss of his son that he doesn't have the energy to be such a douchebag right now. That he isn't tells me that there is some serious shit wrong with him. He's not a full human. Don't waste your time on his nonsense. Block away.

wildbananas posted 11/15/2019 09:38 AM

Grief is a complete bastard, even when you had a great relationship with the departed. There's even more to slog through when it wasn't a great relationship, I think.

You aren't crazy in the least! And fuck your XFIL. You owe him nothing. I'd block him and be done with him.

(((Cats)))

crazyblindsided posted 11/15/2019 17:57 PM

(((CatsNTats))) I'm so sorry. I would think of the text being cathartic not crazy.

And don't give your xFIL anything. Sell it for yourself and pocket that money. What an ass he is

LifeSong posted 11/16/2019 23:40 PM

I'm so sorry this is happening. No, you are not crazy at all. Do you know how many people call their deceased's cell phone and/or text them? So many!! It's actually healing to do so!

Don't be surprised if you see him driving by you on the road or think he is in line at the grocery store... if you hear his voice or smell his cologne (or smoke or alcohol, etc). You might even "feel" his presence, as if he is in the room with you.

Grieving happens at every level of us and touches every cell of our body. It will manifest in "crazy" ways sometimes. It's just the pain working its way out.

wildbananas posted 11/17/2019 00:55 AM

You know, it's funny. I lost my sister 6 months ago and lately, I've been thinking about texting or calling her old number. I don't know what I'm expecting or hoping for but it's on my mind a lot. I think it's totally understandable that you texted him.

SumofOne posted 11/18/2019 11:02 AM

Very sorry Cats. I would leave messages on my dad's voicemail after he passed.

One of the absolute hardest things I did was when I turned his phone off. I don't know why that particular thing got me but it hit me hard.

Everything you do or see for a while is going to be a trigger. Everything.

Again, I am sorry you are going through this.

CatsNTats posted 11/18/2019 11:32 AM

I feel better knowing I am not alone in this. Thank you all.

Everything you do or see for a while is going to be a trigger. Everything.

SOO, I feel this on so many levels. I really don't want to feel it though. I don't want the triggers or the mind movies that keep coming. I think we are going to attempt EMDR this week.

Braveyogi posted 11/18/2019 11:40 AM

sending hugs to you today. So sorry you're being triggered all over the place, walking around like a raw nerve. The others gave you great advice. I'd add - be sure you commit to self care, every day, in an intentional way. It's one of the only things you can control when everything else feels like spinning limbo. It doesn't have to be two hours at the gym to count. Given your time constraints, even just savoring a wonderful cup of tea, or funny animal videos for 10 minutes. Find pieces of self care throughout your day.
you may also benefit from attending a grief group or IC (if not already in) to process this. I attended a couple of these at a local church after my dad died and it was so helpful to be with others, let it out, and find support and healing.

((CatsNTats)))

[This message edited by Braveyogi at 11:41 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

barcher144 posted 11/19/2019 21:54 PM

I think we are going to attempt EMDR this week.

Good idea.

My psychiatrist once told me that she immediately knows who will get better from who will not. The people who try to get better... they get better. It's work. You do the work, you get better.

Point being... you will get better.

Virtual hug from me and pretty much everyone else on here.

Ripped62 posted 11/19/2019 22:27 PM

(((CatsNTats)))

I am at a loss for words. Please know that you have my/our support as you grieve and process your loss and all that has happened.

CatsNTats posted 11/20/2019 12:36 PM

Braveyogi - thank you. I fully plan on doing some intense self care starting tomorrow once I am through this school / clinical week. I have next week off from everything for our Fall break - which will involve a lot of studying for Patho and my proctored Fundamental examination. Meditation has been on my mind a lot and yoga would be nice too. And putting my fists into something - but I need them. A new friend suggested we go throw axes - there are now axe throwing bars in our city. She thought that would be cathartic for me. I'm going to post a new update soon.

Barcher - thank you. Always a voice of reason. Always appreciate you/your replies and support. I have been busting my ass to keep my grades up this semester and not let this destroy what I have worked so hard for. So I am - putting in the work. In life, in school, and in therapy. Trying to anyway. I have my moments.

Ripped - thank you. I need all the support I can get. Appreciate all the SI family that has stepped in to offer condolences and support during this dark time. I've managed to stay pretty grounded given the circumstances. I've let some anger out - but I can't say the people I let it out on didn't deserve it. I maybe could have handled the situations better, but I know my anger is just part of me working through this.

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