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I am upset with BF but can't talk to him

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JanaGreen posted 10/30/2019 21:54 PM

We've both had bad weeks. I'm in deadline hell and my house is infested in fleas. My life is spent either working or vacuuming. BF has put in a gazillion hours at work and found out today he didn't get a job that would have been literally a game-changer in his quality of life. So. That. All week he's been talking about how he was going to help me vacuum when he came over tonight, but he was way too tired. But what ACTUALLY upset me was when he said, "I really want to have sex with you but I'm afraid I'm just too tired." OMG right in the fucking feelings. EXH used to get in these moods where if I'd even touch him he'd snap that he didn't want to have sex with me. It fucking crushed me and is the reason I completely stopped trying to initiate with him. So BF was trying to get me to come to bed with him, saying I needed sleep, and I snapped at him that I needed to vacuum and clean, that I never get a break, but that he should just go to bed. But that's not why I'm actually upset. It was his comment that was uttered in a totally different spirit than what EXH used to say. I feel like a crazy person to keep having to rehash my past with him. But it just makes me want to withdraw from him. It makes me feel rejected. It's STUPID. He's 49 years old and just worked three 11-hour days in a row at a physically demanding job and had a crushing disappointment on top of that. I feel like a selfish asshole for being upset. Then again, I'm about at my fucking breaking point myself between work and fleas. Gah. I need wine.

WhoTheBleep posted 10/30/2019 21:59 PM

Can you get a service to come in and get rid of the fleas? That seems like a huge undertaking for one person, and if done correctly will be well worth the cost.

You sound exhausted, and you likely are based on your week. I'm sorry.

I get not wanting to bring up triggers every time you have one. And I agree, I really don't think he meant anything by his comment. It's like when you have a physical injury and 10 years later it's a damp day and that old injury hurts. I think stuff like that is bound to happen.

I think some rest and a really good night sleep will do you a world of good. In the meantime, vent away. We are here!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 11:44 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

JanaGreen posted 10/30/2019 22:10 PM

Thank you for replying WhoTheBleep. I'm all up in my feelings and lonely right now and it really helps to be heard. I'm having a service come in on Saturday so that will help. 19 years of indoor cats and this is my FIRST flea experience. I think the old owners left me the housewarming present from hell - did you know that fleas can stay dormant in their cocoons for up to a YEAR until they sense a suitable host nearby? Yeahhhh.

That man would never deliberately hurt me. I just couldn't go into why I was upset in the state of mind I was in, and with the state of mind he was in. I'm going to go brush my teeth and spoon him.

Tripletrouble posted 10/30/2019 22:50 PM

Jana I really identify with your post. I remarried a good man but those triggers can just come out of nowhere and itís so hard to know how to deal with them in a way that is healthy for us, healthy for our partners, and healthy for the relationship. I usually try to calmly ask myself if there really is a problem or if my baggage is doing the talking. There have been many times I felt it would be beneficial to explain why some things make me panic. Other times I donít want to beat it to death and I go get my head on straight alone. Be patient with yourself. Sounds like a stinking rotten no good week that canít end soon enough. Sending you a virtual glass of wine.

JanaGreen posted 10/31/2019 07:01 AM

Triple, thank you for the virtual wine!

Thanksgiving2016 posted 10/31/2019 08:45 AM

Just tell him or text him what you posted here. Sounds perfect.

barcher144 posted 10/31/2019 09:24 AM

Gah. I need wine.

Correct answer.

You know, I think that you handled this really well. You got triggered by something that wasn't his fault and you went off on your own and tried to blow off steam so that it didn't affect him.

As far as the sex thing, my STBXW often made me feel like a pervert because I wanted sex more often than her (I wanted it 5-7 times a week, before I was on anti-depressants). With my GF, she wants it at least daily, if not more, and I just can't keep up with her. But, it's how I reject her advances that make the difference. It's sweetie, I love you and you are sexy as hell, but I am tired and I am just not in the mood.

This sounds a lot like you BF.

So, anyway, I think that you did great. And, yes, the correct answer to this problem is simply: more wine.

JanaGreen posted 10/31/2019 09:59 AM

LOL Barcher - more wine is always the answer!

If BF is tired and I start kissing him, etc in bed, he will very gently tell me he just can't and that doesn't bother me. Last night it was the fact that I was in a different room and he called it out to me. Like a pre-emptive strike. That was how it felt with ex. I would touch him non-sexually and he would basically recoil and say he didn't want to have sex, when that wasn't even what I was going for. Like I was so repugnant he wanted to nip any chance of that in the bud.

Life has been cock-blocking us both lately. I mean, it's really hard to feel sexy when you're envisioning generations of fleas hatching in your kids'bedrooms.

Thankfully we have a mini vacation planned next week. Hotel sex!

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:00 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

wildbananas posted 10/31/2019 10:50 AM

I get it - I just went through this, but with lice AND bedbugs. It's draining and stressful! And personally, when I'm exhausted like that, I'm all the more triggery. Ack!

ex-asshat used to reject me, too. During his first A, when he was home, he'd sleep on the couch because he didn't know if he wanted to be with me and it wasn't right to sleep together. So moral. (And yeah, I know. I so want to smack some sense into the me of 19 years ago. Today's me would kick him out SO fast.)

Anyway! Don't beat yourself up. It's a bad time, not a bad relationship. And heck, if you want, just tell him that. It was a bad time, you were exhausted and triggered. Happens to the best of us, right?

And hooray for hotel sex! I don't know why, but that's usually pretty great.

WhoTheBleep posted 10/31/2019 11:48 AM

Hotel sex!

I loooooove hotel sex!! Go you two!! Enjoy!

StillLivin posted 10/31/2019 15:02 PM

Sounds like you didnt quite finish healing from the trauma of infidelity. I concur, hire out for the flea removal, get some rest, and start working on your healing some more. I'm 5 years D now. I have zero triggers and no more mental baggage. No way would I have been ready to date the first 2-3 years after D.

crazyblindsided posted 10/31/2019 15:25 PM

No way would I have been ready to date the first 2-3 years after D.

This is going to be me. I'm separated and I still have no desire for sex I feel broken.

I'm always jealous of people with healthy sex drives with no abuse baggage.

I do love the idea of more wine maybe that would help lol.

(((JanaGreen))) hope things let up and you both get some free time together.

JanaGreen posted 10/31/2019 15:46 PM

I was celibate for 2 years after ex moved out. And I needed that.

I wasn't actually looking for a relationship when I met BF. I was looking to get laid. ONS FAIL LOL

I was so scared that I'd be jealous and paranoid with a new partner, but I'm generally not. These triggers do pop up though. Usually when I'm exhausted and stressed.

StillLivin posted 10/31/2019 16:40 PM

But you still have those triggers. That's my point. I'm not saying to break up and go heal,but recognize you still have more healing to do. Also, your own statement, that you can't talk to him about it. That may mean communication is still difficult with sensitive issues. Another symptom that more healing is needed. That's not a bad thing. I've not dated these entire 5, actually 6 because the slag contested the divorce, and have been celibate the entire time. Maybe 2 years ago I could have started dating, but I am in school full time in a science major, so no time. We each heal differently. I COULD have dated after 3-3.5 years safely. Some need 10 years. There's nothing wrong with that. And there's nothing wrong with dating when you're only 95% healed so long as you realize you have more healing to go.
No amount of stress, unless being shot at or something absolutely traumatizing were going on, would cause me to snap at someone who didn't deserve it. But I'm healed. No triggers, not even under stress.

Hopeful Lady posted 10/31/2019 17:16 PM

I agree with getting professional help for the fleas.

But you still have those triggers. That's my point. I'm not saying to break up and go heal,but recognize you still have more healing to do. Also, your own statement, that you can't talk to him about it. That may mean communication is still difficult with sensitive issues. Another symptom that more healing is needed.

I agree with this.

But I'm healed. No triggers, not even under stress.

And this. People are different and need different amounts of time for deep healing. I canít remember the last time I felt triggered by someone, but I also waited a long time and worked through everything I needed to, before I started dating even though I could have started years sooner.

Nothing wrong with wanting a relationship sooner or NSA if you are into that, but also think about what areas need more healing and try to work on those for your own benefit.

JanaGreen posted 11/1/2019 04:57 AM

I think the title of my post was a bit misleading. I couldn't talk to him that night because we were both right on the edge of exhaustion and I told him to go on to bed because I didn't want to talk to him when I was tired and irrational. I couldn't talk to him when I posted this because he was sleeping. I absolutely talked to him yesterday, talked him through my entire thought process and reassured him that he didn't say anything wrong at all.

No amount of stress, unless being shot at or something absolutely traumatizing were going on, would cause me to snap at someone who didn't deserve it. But I'm healed. No triggers, not even under stress.

Hmm. I thought about this. I'm not sure after further examination that my snapping at him was ENTIRELY about the triggery comment. I love him, and he has my best interests at heart, but sometimes I think he doesn't understand that it's not always as simple as, "Just go to bed, baby, you're tired." I can't just NOT meet a deadline because I'm tired, you know? I can't just NOT vacuum when my house has fleas because I'm tired. I can't blow things off because it makes it exponentially worse the next day.

I do probably need counseling. But I definitely don't have time to get it.

But tonight, I will get pillow therapy. 8 hours of it.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 4:58 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

StillLivin posted 11/1/2019 11:45 AM


I think the title of my post was a bit misleading. I couldn't talk to him that night because we were both right on the edge of exhaustion...

Ahh ok, that puts a different spin on it.

hitbyatruck posted 11/24/2019 00:26 AM

Different spin...
Remove the trigger train. What if what your BF said simply bothered you? Not because it had anything to do with your X's past behavior. What he said and the week you are having should have bothered you.

I'm going to compare but not apples to apples. More like apples to drywall. I hate when people chew with their mouth open. XH sometimes chewed with his mouth open. When I hear those sounds I get angry. When I hear anyone do it I get angry. It will always bother me.

I've had some wine, I hope you can see where I am headed with this response.

As far as the fleas. I fought those terrible buggers for a month on my own. I then called in an exterminator. It took a professional about another month to finally declare it clear. We werent even infested but I knew they were in the house. Always test with a dinner plate with a mix of dawn and a lit tea light in the middle of the plate. Leave it on the floor over night in a safe place. You'll find fleas in the morning floating if you have any.

JanaGreen posted 11/24/2019 23:43 PM

What he said and the week you are having should have bothered you.

Yes! Thank you! I can totally understand that NOW, now that work has calmed down a bit and the fleas are almost all gone (two visits from the exterminator and multiple doses of the neck meds to the cats). I was in a total state of emotional Fraught a few weeks ago. Lawd. He could have sneezed and hurt my feelings at that point.

I bought these things from Amazon, they are "The Ultimate Flea Trap" - the brand is Victor. It's a little contraption with a light bulb on top and a sticky pad on the bottom. It's not really something that is going to solve an infestation, but like the tea light/dish soap thing, it's sort of the canary in the coal mine. I slacked on my vacuuming for a couple days (because the new normal is vacuum the whole house every damn day) and I saw a couple fleas on the cats. BF and I treated them again this weekend and I have the traps on the ready. I'm seriously considering ripping up all the carpet upstairs and putting vinyl plank in the kids' rooms. The carpet is gross anyway.

Sorry, I ramble ENDLESSLY about fleas these days. Oh how I hate them. But BF and I are great. We had a good weekend together and are going to spend Thanksgiving with my family.

deena04 posted 11/26/2019 19:20 PM

Oh Jana, sorry for the crappy week. Try daily vacuuming because the rumbling brings them up to be sucked out. Also, get the good flea stuff from the vet. So many over-the-counter things just donít work.

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