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Should my WH apologize to former APís SO??

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ItsNotFair posted 7/11/2019 18:04 PM

Have any WSís ever apologized to the OBS? (In this case they are not married but have been together 6 years and are now expecting a child) Did it help or hurt? This conversation came up today between me and WH on whether he should reach out to apologize. I would have appreciated an apology from her but never got one. Should my WH apologize to her boyfriend, or do you think it would just cause more problems? Not sure if men think differently than women on this. For me, an apology wouldnít take back what they did but it would help knowing if she was sorry and didnít feel great about herself for getting another womanís husband to screw her! Do betrayed men feel the same way or no?

HellFire posted 7/11/2019 18:13 PM

NC. Period.

He needs to respect that this man is trying to heal. He doesn't need to hear from the man who had an affair with his SO.

If the man reaches out to your husband, at some point, then your WS can apologize. Otherwise, he needs to learn to respect boundaries.

HellFire posted 7/11/2019 18:15 PM

Maybe your husband can write a letter of apology to the OBS. And give it to you. It might help you,to read what he would say,if given the chance.

landclark posted 7/11/2019 18:15 PM

As a BW I can say no amount of apologizing from the OW would make me feel better. If theyíve moved on as a couple with a child on the way, I would say let them be.

ItsNotFair posted 7/11/2019 18:16 PM

Reaching out to apologize was more my idea. But Iím thinking youíre right. Just because I would like an apology from her doesnít mean he wants to hear from my husband.

Unhinged posted 7/11/2019 18:23 PM

I have no interest in the OM and would be pissed if he ever tried to contact me.

Morecomplete posted 7/11/2019 18:53 PM

We havenít done this but Iím eager to see the responses. I also want my husband to do this for the same reasons. So far we havenít because 1) I never actually told OBS about the affair so itís possible he doesnít know and is living in ignorant bliss. 2) it violates NC

I kind of like your idea hellfire.

[This message edited by Morecomplete at 6:54 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

ItsNotFair posted 7/11/2019 18:53 PM

The more I think about it, the more him apologizing seems like itís really more for me. I want to know he doesnít think heís ďcoolĒ for screwing another manís girlfriend. But he told me at the time that everything happened, she said she was broken up with her boyfriend, but later on that seemed questionable and they were definitely still talking once they were ďback togetherĒ. He says nothing about it makes him feel cool and heís been more focused on the hurt heís caused me and our family. I think itís hard for me to accept how badly I got screwed over. We had just found out I was pregnant about a week beforehand and he still did what he did. This has been a hard reality to swallow. I donít know what Iím looking for in any of this.

Morecomplete posted 7/11/2019 18:58 PM

I get what your saying. I think what I really want is for him to show some humility about what he did to all the innocent people. Me, OBS, my three kids, their two, and the collateral damage to those around us like my family, the people I work for, etc.

ItsNotFair posted 7/11/2019 19:05 PM

Morecomplete I feel the same way. I would like to see my WH truly humbled to everyone heís hurt. Even though she is more responsible to her bf, he still took part in it. I do believe he is remorseful and feels ashamed. He was holding our baby early in the morning a few days ago (the one I was pregnant with at the time) and started crying. So why isnít that enough for me?

h0peless posted 7/11/2019 19:48 PM

Should the dog shit I stepped in last week apologize to my shoe? No. It's a piece of shit and it did what pieces of shit do. Same goes for APs.

Chaos posted 7/11/2019 20:16 PM

Mine did once he realized I exposed to OBS. It was a short conversation.

WH - ďIím sorry...Ē
OBS - ďF*ck offĒ

I didnít know about this until after it was done. Both WH and ONS told me. They had the same version 😂

Interesting factoid - when I asked how he got the number I was told ďIíve always had it. In case he called - Iíd know who it was and why they were callingĒ.

Shaking my damn head.

FWIW - I wouldnít want to hear from AP. OBS didnít want to hear from WH

Now - if you need your WH to write OP a letter of apology there is nothing wrong with that. It would be interesting reading. But donít send it. NC is NC for all involved.

If anyone should get a heartfelt apology letter from your WH it should be you.

(Edited for bad spelling)

[This message edited by Chaos at 8:17 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Loukas posted 7/11/2019 20:59 PM

Do betrayed men feel the same way or no?
No thanks. That fuck face can save his breath for his next damsel in distress and fuck right off. Any words from his face would have likely resulted in a wired jaw for a month or two.

Bestthing posted 7/11/2019 22:31 PM

My H apologized to the OBS, but only after I confirmed that the OBS welcomed it. My situation is different in that OBS and OW weíre already getting divorced. In a bit to keep my Hís interest, she told OBS that she wonít be sleeping with him anymore and that set off a divorce. That phone called did four things:
- gave my H a chance to resolve some of his guilt
- gave the OBS a little control back. He got to ask my H questions that his wife wouldnít answer.
- OW denied the affair even after I exposed her and she still called my H. Once OBS talked to my H, she couldnít deny it anymore. She just minimized it.
- it bursted their affair bubble in my mind because now OBS is conveying a message from my H to OW about leaving us alone.

This was only possible because OBS was mostly over his wife. Finding out about the affair was a relief to him after 1.5 years of wondering what he did wrong. His response was ďI feel sorry for your H because whatever OW wants OW gets! Tell him he dodged the bullet.Ē

I used to want an apology from the APs because I assumed they had some decency. Then my H shared more details about them or I found out from OBS. I also reached out to one whom I thought was a friend. Nope, they are absolutely crazy. I mean the kind of crazy you just stay away from. Now I am just happy they leave us alone.

Bestthing posted 7/11/2019 22:38 PM

Itís not fair,

Maybe you feel screwed over because OW got away with it. You never told the OBS. May I ask why?

Bestthing posted 7/11/2019 22:39 PM

Itís not fair,

Maybe you feel screwed over because OW got away with it. You never told the OBS. May I ask why?

littleAvocet posted 7/12/2019 02:03 AM

I got an apology from the AP. I didnít ask for it. I didnít want it. It felt like yet another example of her putting what she wanted first, and there were examples of this even after the apology.

The apology itself was the most selfish, look at me, awful piece of crap Iíve read in my life. She apologised for hurting my kids, with no mention of me, her former friend.

I asked her OBS if he wanted an apology from my fwh. He looked horrified. So my advice would be donít bother. The damage is done. Donít take the risk that youíll potentially cause more.

ktez posted 7/12/2019 03:29 AM

I received a written 'apology' from ow and quite frankly I was enraged. I was just about to go into an important meeting 4 mths after d day and the email pinged through. I felt violated that she could enter my life again like that without warning. She also sent a letter to the same effect to my postal address just incase I didn't received the email .
I treated her the best way I knew how.... Total silence.

37wallflower73 posted 7/12/2019 03:31 AM

This thread makes me want to ask my WF for a letter to OBH that I can read.... Think a year after dday is too late?

I was never in contact with OBH because I was under the impression that OW already told him. They aren't even together anymore, which makes me happy. Good for him to move on, hope she suffered :)

Tallgirl posted 7/12/2019 04:50 AM

I really donít understand this need. If you need an apology letter, your husband can write it to you.

If I got one now, it would hurt all over again. And it would feel like an attempt to re-establish contact.

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