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Insomnia & Nightmares

ibonnie posted 7/6/2019 02:08 AM

I'm so sick of insomnia and/or weird, vivid nightmares. I used to have lucid-ish dreams that I was semi-aware of and could control somewhat, but lately I don't realize I'm dreaming, and I just feel trapped and confused in whatever bizarro scenarios my brain comes up with.

One of my favorites is moving to a new town, having a welcome BBQ with all our new neighbors, and finding out my WH has a new AP with the same name, when she introduces herself to everyone at the BBQ. And when I turn to him, stunned, he looks incredulous and says that he was trying to be considerate when he found a new AP with the same name, that way it would be less confusing for everyone.

Right now it's 3AM and I cannot. Fall. Asleep. My go!-go!-go! toddler will be up in three and a half hours wanting to... go, and I will be a walking zombie. And WH isn't around to help because he's working.


I want my sleep back. I want my dreams back. I want my memory and attention span back, too, dammit. GAH!

Kb82 posted 7/6/2019 03:01 AM

Im so sorry! I've not had many crazy nightmares but as you can see I have occasional insomnia. It's 4 am here. It's not fair all of the stress that us faithful spouses have to endure bc of WS selfish actions. Prayers to you. And lots of hugs. I hope you get some peaceful sleep and that your toddler sleeps in tomorrow.

steadychevy posted 7/6/2019 03:46 AM

2:30am here. Occassional insomnia. For some reason I'm awake tonight. Fortunately, I haven't had an adultery related nightmare that woke me up for quite a while now.

The worst nightmare I had that I can remember was me sitting in a chair in a bedroom, unable to move, with her and him screwing in front of me, looking at me and laughing at me together. I can only remember having that one once. Once was more than enough.

I don't have toddlers to take care of, ibonnie, or anyone else, either. Toddlers take so much energy without being sleep deprived. I pray you'll be able to catch a power nap (ha, ha, ha) later today and get a good night sleep tonight.

Odonna posted 7/6/2019 05:52 AM

Good Morning ibonnie.

My dreams can also be exhausting. One thing that helps is to count backwards. It occupies the brain just enough to foreclose worry and obsessive thoughts, but boring enough to put you back asleep. I start at 300 so I donít need to worry about running out of numbers if I get through 100 or so. If you lose count or start skipping that means it is working so just keep going.

landclark posted 7/6/2019 07:54 AM

I definitely get the nightmares. Often. This morning was he couldnít go on a Europe vacation with me because he got somebody pregnant (he hasnít, as far as I know). Anyway, it really sucks. Terrible way to set the mood for the day.

maise posted 7/6/2019 08:47 AM

Iím so sorry youíre still experiencing this part. Iím right there with you, nightmares and weird dreams every night. Waking up constantly. Itís so hard and then add a toddler? I canít even imagine.


cocoplus5nuts posted 7/6/2019 09:51 AM

I have always had crazy dreams. My cheating nightmares started back up a few weeks ago. Don't know why. They seem to have dissipated for now.

I take melatonin and medication to sleep. Otherwise, I wouldn't sleep at all. I've recently started listening to affirmations while trying to go to sleep. It seems to help because I have been falling asleep more quickly.

Writing in a journal was suggested to me for racing thoughts and insomnia. It helped. I would get up and write down whatever was in my head. Steam of consciousness stuff because my brain doesn't make sense with those racing thoughts. Afterward, I would be able to fall asleep.

Maybe one or some of those would help you.

J707 posted 7/6/2019 10:12 AM

I don't have nightmares or dreams all that much. My sleep schedule is kinda whacky though. I can fall asleep ok most nights but usually for about 3 hours. Wake up for an hour or 2 with random stupid thoughts. Back to sleep for another 2, wake up and rinse an repeat. Guided meditation app has helped me go to sleep. It helps the brain focus on what the person is saying and doing, it gives the brain a 'rest'. But staying asleep all through the night? Haven't had that in 15 months. PTSD/PISD really just sucks. And until you've been through it, you just won't get it. Hope you got a little sleep!

cancuncrushed posted 7/6/2019 17:13 PM

The details changed in the dreams...but the theme was the same.....him and AP so happy together, laughing at me...mocking they moved on....

I still wake up in the middle of the night...its been years...I have had new stress added constantly...I have had some full nights sleep, sporadically....Ill take it...its such a surprise when it happens...

the memory comes and stress is will disappear least I know it comes back memory is shot....but I see little bits of improvement.....its bizarre..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 5:14 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

ChamomileTea posted 7/6/2019 18:01 PM

My brain still won't touch it. If I get too close, any further than "he cheated", I snap to, wide awake. The progress has been that apparently my brain and I have come to an agreement to just leave it the fuck alone. I don't know if that's normal or not. In the beginning, I wasn't getting any more than a couple hours at a time, and now, more than four years out, I can usually sleep through the night.

Having a pain reliever with diphenhydramine (Benadryl) like TylenolPM or AlevePM helps to get me comfortable enough for sleeping though. Those little aches and pains can get in the way. Stronger sleep medications tend to make me drowsy, but give me "monkey-mind".
Herbal teas can help too, like chamomile or a sleepy time blend. Your brain will still pop you though if you've got unfinished processing left after the day, so sometimes journaling can help uncover your subconscious stream of thought and transfer it into the conscious mind. Hidden triggers, that your brain records but your consciousness doesn't note, can sometimes be uncovered by journaling if you let your mind wander freely.

LukesDiner posted 7/7/2019 23:33 PM

One of my favorites is moving to a new town, having a welcome BBQ with all our new neighbors, and finding out my WH has a new AP with the same name, when she introduces herself to everyone at the BBQ. And when I turn to him, stunned, he looks incredulous and says that he was trying to be considerate when he found a new AP with the same name, that way it would be less confusing for everyone

Is that one of the nightmares? Because I can totally relate to this. I can also relate to the insomnia and the lucid dreaming. I started keeping a journal of the dreams, along with ideas about how they make me feel. I'm hoping this will take the sting out. I will have to follow up to let you know if it helps. We'll see.

I really want you to be able to rest, relax, and get some sleep. Clearly, you're going through a tough time, and it cannot be easy to do all that you need to do, along with your toddler, while running on fumes. You can do it. You will one day feel so rested, and you the dreams will diminish. You will get your sleep, your dreams, your memory, and your attention span.

It will happen. Hang in there.

Luna10 posted 7/8/2019 05:50 AM

I donít have dreams anymore (well not that often) but I do still have the lucid state where I feel like my brain thought about the affair all night. I can only presume it is because as I fall asleep the affair thoughts take over and I fall asleep in that state. Meaning that my brain keeps processing.

In the last couple of weeks I returned to making the conscious decision to think of something positive while falling asleep. By that I mean imagining future situations. It was hard at first as I couldnít imagine what the future will look like (in my pre-affair life I used to mentally imagine a future holiday, how weíll visit certain places etc) but once I consciously removed my WH from these future planning it seems to work and I am resting better. I now visualise/imagine for example my next holiday, how Iíll sit on the beach reading a book, I created a safe place in my brain.

Anyway you should try. Just take WH out of the image as that may create anxiety (for me it does because I feel like Iím making plans with WH, plans which could be ruined).

hopefull77 posted 7/8/2019 05:58 AM

There are some nice Sleepy Tea blends. Found one called Snore and Peace 😆
My MD suggested Calcium & Magnesium .Trader Joe's Costco carry these as well. We both take one before bed.
This is just one of the "side effects" of the New Normal.


ibonnie posted 8/6/2019 23:08 PM

Well fuck me.

Just had a very, very, vivid nightmare. Long story short, in it I found out my WH was still texting his AP, his family decided it was time to accept her, and then (for some reason) I was stuck in a cabin with her, him and his family. It was beyond awful. I felt so confused and hurt, but knew I had to be done. His AP was going out of her way to be in my face and nasty. I retaliated by repeating every not-so-nice thing my WH has said about her, and she was mad but rubbed in the fact that he still wanted her. There was a weird confusing subplot that involved me secretly murdering her adult daughter in a house explosion a month prior, and that's why she was there? Because she needed to look for her. My WH couldn't understand why I was as upset as I was, and why I would want to rely on our separated agreement when it came to the kids, and not all live in this cabin and parent together with his AP. My own two kids were MIA, and I couldn't figure out where they were. I got a ride from his "cousin" to go find them, but hopped out to cross some bridge. The weirdo behind me on line to cross threw my backpack in, so I had to dive in to retrieve my stuff, quickly, because they were going to raise the bridge to let a boat pass and change the water level, so I had to grab the most important stuff quikcly, but I'm a terrible swimmer.

And then I woke up in bed next to my DS, and went to find me WH, who was asleep on the couch with the TV on.

I know it was just a dream, but right now I feel paranoid AF and really fucking upset and confused.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 11:13 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

HeHadADoubleLife posted 8/7/2019 00:37 AM


I wish I had the answers to the nightmare problems. They really do suck.

It's so crazy how vivid and intense they can be, while also being utterly ridiculous and making no logical sense.

And then the fact that they don't make sense just pisses you off, because you're still paranoid and cagey afterward, even though you feel like you have no reason to be.

What's with the whole family accepting the AP thing? I had a very strange dream when XH was in the middle of his affair but I didn't yet know. The dream involved my XH starting to date my mother, her getting pregnant and my entire family just accepting this as the new normal, while planning their baby shower, getting excited about picking out names and all sorts of other ridiculous shit.

Now of course my mother wasn't the AP in my situation, but it was still weird AF. And I think also my brain's way of telling me something effed up was going on that I needed to look into. Since incest is such an insane thing, it was like my brain's way of going - there's something super messed up happening, look into it!

It does weird me out a little that my mom and the OW both have naturally very curly hair, and mine is straight. I've always been envious of her hair, ever since I was little. XH also has gorgeous natural curly hair that I always told him I was jealous of. Strangely, it was one of the things I remembered most vividly about DDay, seeing both of them laying in our bed so peacefully sleeping, naturally curly hair laid out on the pillow cases I had just washed. Strange to think about. But I digress.

The whole crossing of the bridge/backpack thrown in the water thread is also interesting. Maybe the bridge represents the progress that you want to be making, crossing over to the other side, moving on and getting past all of this. And the backpack being thrown in the water is representing how just when you feel like you are finally going to get to cross the bridge, some crisis comes up that has to be handled, so you never get to finish your crossing.

I hope that when you are more rested and not freaked out in the middle of the night you can laugh at the fact that your nightmares even have homicidal revenge sub plots.

Hugs to you, and crossing my fingers you've already gone back to sleep since you have to be up so early with your little one!

pinkpggy posted 8/7/2019 00:53 AM

If it makes you feel better, WS have it too. It's currently almost 2am and I cannot sleep. I've had a week full of nightmares. Probably also translates because it's been a rough week at home.

Since dday I've had to take something to help me sleep. Last night's dream was my teeth were falling out and I didn't have insurance because my BS left.

I hope you get some rest!

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