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Have been going backwards and forwards for well over a year as to whether it's worth having WS do one. He has always said that he doesn't believe they are accurate. Before dday he agreed (with very bad grace) to take one, but for various reasons I didn't schedule it, although I got as far as researching, choosing and speaking to one provider. Since dday, he has said that he probably would have tried to get out of it.

He has been caught out in a few lies since dday, which were to preserve lies he'd previously told, so I do strongly believe that even if he is honest about new stuff going forward and avoids inappropriate situations in the future, he would fight to hide past shitty behavior until the day he died.

According to him, polys are not used legally because they are inaccurate and it's a gamble to take one, as it might show him lying about something he is innocent of, resulting in a break up over nothing. (Actually, a break up would really have been caused by his inability to be honest with me, which resulted in me wanting a poly to be taken. Misplaced blame, but I understand the reasoning, from an innocent person's POV.)

So how many ppl have put their faith in a poly and had it proved right/wrong? Was anyone 'fooled' by a pass? Or broke up over something which proved to be wrong? Is it worth the risk of it being inaccurate?

Misplaced blame, but I understand the reasoning, from an innocent person's POV.

I understand the reasoning from a guilty person's POV. These all sound like manipulation tactics to get you to not force a poly. Seems to me that, if he has told you everything, he wouldn't be worried.

Have you asked the polygrapher about these issues? Idk how common false positives are. I always assumed the issue was with false negatives. IOW, I thought they are considered unreliable because lying people can sometimes pass them.

I forced a poly with my fch about 6 months post dday1. He adamantly denied that his A was physical. He also swore that I knew everything. I got the classic "parking lot confession" to a PA. He passed the poly.

The thing with polys, though, is that they don't prove that someone is not a liar. They only show that it appears the person either is or is not lying about 2 or 3 very specific questions. So, you have to take that fwiw.

I believe that a poly works with a professional examiner in the right setting. I believe it scares the shit out of many WS. I believe there are parking lot confessions because of that. I believe, when properly and professionally administered, the accuracy is high enough to warrant their use.

I believe it scares the shit out of many WS.

The examiner I used told me after the test that I had my fch scared to death. 🤣

He also took my umbrella away, stating that it was not a weapon.

Sounds like your WH is coming up with excuses not to take the poly.

Next time he says they are not accurate, tell him to show you the proof of this. If he has done ANY research, he should easily be able to show you SPECIFIC examples.

I call bs on a wayward claiming this poly isn't accurate stuff. As others have said, it scares the piss out of them

You might want to check out this thread that talks about poly tests.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=639215

A polygraph (literally “many measurements”) looks at biological markers of psychological state: heart rate, respiration rate, galvanic skin response (basically a measure of sweating) etc., and assesses whether someone subjectively believes what they are saying. So someone saying something false could pass, but only if they actually believe what they are saying. Not true for a cheater.

To fail when one is telling the truth is pretty rare. Nerves and anxiety and fear do not manifest biologically the same way that falsehoods do. But that is why you need someone skilled to make the assessment.

[This message edited by Odonna at 11:39 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

I have no data one way or the other.

One of the best reasons for a poly isn't actually if he'll fail or pass. Most of the time, it's for the parking lot confession.

Of course he's telling you they are unreliable.

He's obviously the best source of information on the subject.

He surely doesn't have anything to gain by telling you that, right?

I can understand the financial constraints of not doing one, but really, what is peace of mind worth to you?

From what I've read they're pretty useless at telling if someone is lying but great as a threat

The facts are innocent people fail them and liars can pass them. So while they can be helpful in learning the truth to a few questions - it will not give you the full truth (which is what most BS are seeking).

I decided early in Reconciliation that I needed to feel confident he was telling the truth. I decided if I had to resort to a polygraph test our marriage was over. But that was just me.

I see them used on the Dr Phil show. He relies on them for certain things. So there must be some degree of accuracy.

It’s up to you to decide if you want to go down that route.

I am with 1stWife.

I think Dr Phil uses them for shock value. I don't believe they are reliable. My opinion, obviously.

The main reason I didn't insist wasn't that. I'm certain parking lot confessions are a real thing. But I know me. I'd obsess over the results. I'd say, "okay, he passed those questions but what if it were phrased differently? Is he wiggling around the real truth because of some variation in the wording?'

I'd make myself crazy.

I think a poly is likely to be useful if you have a few points of concern that can be allayed by answering yes/no questions, and if you will actually accept the results.

But, IMO, life is nuanced, and not many 'yes/no' questions are helpful in healing from infidelity.

My understanding is that they are 70% accurate.

My wh wasn’t a candidate to be able to take one because he has general anxiety disorder. I wanted one initially.

However, I know they can and have been beat. My wh is a retired police officer and he has seen people pass when there was absolute proof that they were lying. He knows they can be beat and likely knows how.

For me, it ended up that time would have been a waste of money and I found the proof myself that he was lying anyway.

Well, we know the cheating spouse is a liar. That’s with 100% accuracy. What all they’re lying about and the extent of things is debatable.

Enter the polygraph. Is it 100% foolproof? Of course not.

But it’s certainly a lot more reliable than the lying, cheating spouse.

I used to be required to take one every few years for my job. They are highly accurate with the right equipment, right personnel operating it, and the right questions and control questions. There are ways to beat it, but preparation and k ow how would be involved. If you're wayward is looking up ways to beat it, there's your answer right there.

However, it takes years of training and experience to be accurate. I wouldn't trust most civilian polygraph organizations to have this level of skill.

Some of the things to throw off a poly, being over hydrated or under hydrated, exercising within several hours prior, drinking caffeine, etc.

Here’s my thoughts (yet again! ).

The cheater is asked “did you have sex outside your marriage” as an example.

Define sex. Ambiguous and we all have seen that drama played out.

The cheater is asked “did you have inappropriate interactions with women outside your marriage?”

Define inappropriate. Ambiguous again. To me an emotional affair is inappropriate interaction. To others if there is no sex it is not inappropriate.

I just believe if you need to get a polygraph test then the Trust aspect of the marriage is very lost and damaged. And the marriage (to me) is not salvageable.

A polygraph is just like any other tool we suggest trying. Data recovery tools are spotty. VARs don't always catch anything if your WS is an avid texter or barely talks to AP. PIs can even be mislead. No single tool is perfect and works every time. All of them have pros and cons but most of them are worth trying because the chance of you getting more of the truth is still greater than a lying WS giving it to you.

I knew a poster on another site whose only evidence that his WW was up to something was because she wore lingerie to work that she didn't wear for him and a strong gut feeling. He VAR'd her car. He checked her phone and call logs. He got a PI. None of them got any evidence of her cheating. He kept struggling with it for months and then he found her diary that revealed her boss and her had been having a BDSM PA in their office daily for years. Nothing is foolproof but doesn't mean it's not worth it to try if you want to.

What if the cheater truly believes their own lies? I have no knowledge on a poly but I do think my stbx has made herself believe her own lies in her disorded mind and world.