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I Decided Against Reconciliation

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BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/21/2019 09:24 AM

I was in a 2 year relationship, and am currently 6 mos. pregnant w his child. We lived together and I am also a step-mom to his child from a previous relationship. I found out a month ago he was cheating with a girl for about a 1-2 months. I kicked him and his daughter out of my house. He begged me back for the first 2 days. Where I declined. We then got together to try and talk things through, but to no avail, we kept going in circles. I was betrayed and destroyed. He was guilty and felt bad, and claimed he wanted to work on the relationship, even though he still said he cannot commit to me. We talked on and off and got together for talks and visits with his daughter for the next few weeks going forward. He still insisted that he could work on it but doesn't want to commit and that I should wait for him to decide. I actually agreed to this. We went to therapy. He told the therapist he "thinks" he wants to work on the relationship. We still haven't focused much on the fact that I am completely destroyed emotionally and he ruined our relationship. We are still focusing on how he "isn't ready to commit". Then, I get my pride and self-esteem back. I end things and contact. He asks me to talk to him still and that he still cares/loves me. I stick around a little longer. Until, 2 days ago. I told him I canceled our future therapy appointment, that I will contact him when I give birth, and to not contact me. I gave him orders on how to get his things via my mother who will help him get his daughter's belongings as I do not wish to see him anymore. No contact. On our last talk, he kissed my forehead and says he loves me and is crying uncontrollably. And can't believe how things ended. An hour after blocking him, he sends me $200 on venmo which I refuse to accept. This is the only way for me to move on. I know that I have to let him go. His love for me isn't strong enough or good enough to commit and this is something I need to accept. It is for my own good that I block him and kick him out of my life so that I can grieve the end of the relationship and move on. I am sure he will too with time. Its been almost 3 days, and it is getting easier. Each day gets a little better. His words and learning more of his situation with the other woman has only continually hurt me, and his efforts to try and fix anything were sad and medicore. Gaining back my power and my freedom from him are the best decisions I could have made. Just because I am pregnant, doesn't mean I need you, and I will show you. You don't own me, you don't control me. I am strong. I am powerful. And in time, he may regret, he may not. But, I know for both of us this will be the right choice.

MamaDragon posted 6/21/2019 09:52 AM

(hugs) You are such a strong woman!

Stevesn posted 6/21/2019 09:53 AM

You are doing the absolute right thing. If he pulls his head out of his behind and realizes what he has lost, he would still have months and years of hard work to regain your trust.

Dont listen to his words. Watch his actions.

Good luck with your pregnancy and take care.

Chaos posted 6/21/2019 10:06 AM

He sounds like a flaming horse's patoot that you will be well rid of.

Zeno posted 6/21/2019 10:08 AM

Given the situation you describe, you should be really proud of yourself. You took your time and didnít make any snap decisions, but made a really strong decision for both you and your child. When he said he couldnít commit, that should have been enough, and it sounds like it was. That baby has one amazing Momma.

lostfather posted 6/21/2019 10:25 AM

This probably should be posted in Divorce/Separation.

Bigger posted 6/21/2019 10:28 AM

Reconciliation requires that both commit to it.
In some ways itís like parachuting. Even if you get into a plane, strap on a chute and sit near the open door-frame you havenít committed to the jump until you let go of the plane.
As is itís as if heís still thinking if he should get into the plane, if he should really strap on the chute, if he should sit near the open door-frame, if he should jumpÖ He hasnít committed to the jump.
You on the other hand have the correct picture: YOU are committed to getting out of infidelity with or without him.

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/21/2019 10:31 AM

I start to feel guilty in some moments about my decision but I keep remembering and reinforcing the fact that I gave him almost a months time to resurrect this. He was very desperate on going to therapy and wanted to keep trying. But, his lack of trying and his waivering attention made me walk away. Maybe we could have continued therapy and it would have been okay, but unfortunately I take things at face value. I see people for who they are. And I might be vulnerable and cry for sometime, but when I stop feeling sorry for myself, I start to reinvent. When someone continually tells you they can't commit, any other reason beyond this and trying is that person lying to themselves. He would be lying to himself if he said he wanted to make the relationship work, and I realize this. He isn't strong enough to make the decision, so I will be. I work 2 jobs, he doesn't have a job. I pay rent and live alone, and he lives with his mother. We will see how green the grass is on the other side, when he dropped his diamond and picked up a rock.

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/21/2019 10:37 AM

Don't get me wrong thiis still is and undoubtedly will always be the hardest thing I have ever done, thus far. Maybe we could reconcile down the road, but this would take months, years time. We are expecting a child together, we cannot forget that. I told him I would never keep his daughter from him, and I stand true with that. He can see her when shes here, but other than that no contact and no reconcilliation at this time is the best and only option.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/21/2019 10:38 AM

I wish I had done this 22 years ago when I was pregnant with our first child and he was in topless bars while I was pregnant!

I 100% believe my son would have been better off being raised visiting his Dad and I would have made a secure home for him. Never would his whole world have imploded by his Dad walking out on us after dinner one night.


If he gets help and co parents with you-great! Iíve learned you can love someone but NOT live with them, or have a relationship with them.

Buster123 posted 6/21/2019 12:23 PM

He isn't strong enough to make the decision, so I will be. I work 2 jobs, he doesn't have a job. I pay rent and live alone, and he lives with his mother.

He's an unremorseful cheater and a liar, consult an attorney for child support and custody matters, don't forget to get tested for STDs, good riddance!!!

SI Staff posted 6/21/2019 15:24 PM

   Moving to General

psychmom posted 6/21/2019 15:44 PM

Sounds like you are the adult in this relationship, and he is still an immature child looking for a mommy to take care of him. He has a lot of growing up to do before he's man enough to be good enough for you, BeenBetrayed5. As difficult being a single mom may be, it would be many times worse with a child AND dealing with an unremorseful cheater.

Do what you need to do to make sure you get financial support from him. Hopefully he'll be a good father, but regardless your child is very lucky to have you for his/her mother. All the best to you!

whatIknowNow posted 6/21/2019 16:28 PM

You are doing the right thing. The bare minimum requirement for reconciliation is that the wayward sincerely wants to.

He clearly does not. Why waste any more time?

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/21/2019 16:40 PM

((Hugs))

Good for you! Stand your ground. Het working on custody and child support. Ypu deserve better.

Kb82 posted 6/22/2019 19:21 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this pregnant. I too am going through a similar situation. 5 months pregnant with our 5th child and found out in March. I commend you for your strength. I know it is not easy. Stay strong mama. Time and working on healing yourself will make it a little easier. ♥️

rugswept posted 6/22/2019 19:39 PM

there is nothing to R, nothing.

he's still pledging allegiance to HER and not you. this whole "I'm not ready to commit to you..." thingy is SO disgusting.

it's as if he's some kind of prize and you can all compete to get him..... to get what exactly ? is he rich, or do you all just get to parlay for his big magnificent dong?

how about this: ffff him and forever, ffff him. he sucks. beyond belief.

you've already gotten your answer. you can have "HIM" as long as he has all of his slapper hoes, whenever he wants.

cheatstroke posted 6/23/2019 07:51 AM

Good. Tell that horseshit asshole to fuck off and stay fucked off. Soon you'll see him as nothing more than a brown stain on the toilet that was your relationship with him and you happily WIPED IT CLEAN!

R would be nothing but a bunch of rug-sweeping bullshit anyway. Go find someone who isn't a fucking cheater and live life the way it's supposed to be lived. You're WORTH IT!

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/23/2019 09:52 AM

Has anyone dealt with someone purpousely trying to reverse psychology you? After I left him, kicked him out, he would say mean things like "I cheated because I didn't want you", "I wanted to leave you for a long time", "I stayed because my daughter and your relationship". But then, he switches that all around and says he loves me and that he wants to work on things. He will say he wants to be single but then when I cut him off and do NC he freaks out and seems like he wants to reconcile. He also told a friend of mine the other day that he wants to talk to me, and was crying. It's like he wants to act cool to my face, almost as if he doesn't care and doesn't want the relationship, but then to others he acts as if he's hurting, I have seen his hurt, he has showed me this but I can tell at times he is reluctant to showing me that hurt and being fully and completely vulnerable with me. He says he isn't holding back, but I feel that his mixed messages are saying that he is. Unfortunately, I went 3 days, but broke NC as he had a friend call me to have him unblocked. He said he wanted to talk to me and he had things to say, but then never got in touch with me the next day. I want to try sometimes because of the baby, but I can't trust him. I am unsure what I am supposed to do. He could still be running around doing as he wants, but I would never know. He never was this narcissistic, controlling person I am seeing coming through the cracks. I think insecurity and vulnerability show these ugly, weak sides of him. I just am still at a standstill wondering where to go next.

[This message edited by BeenBetrayed5 at 9:56 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

Ripped62 posted 6/23/2019 10:11 AM

My ex wayward wife played a similar game. Believe none of it and do not engage in such stupid antics.

No contact is the best method to end this crazy making.

Only communicate as co-parents about the child when he or she is born.

Move forward in your permanent separation because of his fear of commitment and infidelity.

Take care of yourself and your baby. You need to heal.

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