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Please knock some sense into me.

Countrygirl10 posted 6/18/2019 12:36 PM

It is One of those days.. because itís now summer vacation I have no Ďfreeí time to see my IC till kids school
Starts again. And here I am getting in my head.

Short back story. He cheated, sucks at accepting boundaries, changed some behaviors after being caught cheating (helping more around the house, telling me when someone reaches out to him (found out this is only half true he leaves out parts and also some people)
but recently he told me to my face ĎI am not talking to any femalesí found this to not be true. And found he is deleting messages/texts... and a kicker statement he recently said to me Ďyour not really that smart you do forget a lot of thingsí

he doesnít know I know the lying to me parts Iím waiting till we get back from vacation because I want my kids to enjoy themselves. when I found out about this new information I instantly felt a huge weight off my shoulders with helping me make a decision as to stay or leave. He just canít accept a boundary he needs that extra excitement of sexting apparently more then keeping his family together.
NOW (almost 2 weeks since discovering that info) Iím in my head saying suck it up and stay. Kids will have a family. Financially to stay makes sense, Heís not a terrible person just sucks at boundaries.
Then the Rational me kicks in and says yeah sucks at things like respect, loyalty, and common sense. Pretty much the foundation of a happy marriage. Just when I thought I was at peace with my decision this kicks in.
Someone knock some sense into me! I know I canít live like this I am not a detective nor do I want to be.
I donít appreciate being talked down to, not should I be.
I deserve respect and loyalty and he keeps sexting and deleting (Iím assuming thatís what heís doing since itís been deleted at minimum disrespect a boundary)
He has a problem that I can not help him with.

Cooley2here posted 6/18/2019 13:07 PM

You get respect by demanding it.

OwningItNow posted 6/18/2019 13:08 PM

I have no Ďfreeí time to see my IC till kids school Starts again

That is ridiculous.
Find an hour a week.
You matter.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:17 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/18/2019 13:11 PM

If he's continuing to lie and cheat, he is a horrible person. This is not a good M to model to your children. This is not a good model of how a woman should expect to be treated, or how men should treat women. This is not a healthy M. Therefore, it is not healthy for your children.

If you can support yourself and your children, get out. You have given him the info he needs to fix this. He is not willing to do it. He's not worth your time and energy.

tushnurse posted 6/18/2019 13:39 PM

Sometimes the fear of the unknown is worse than the fear of the known.
Sometimes we are so caught up in our abusive cycle we can't see it and how damaging it is for us or our kids.
Sometimes we make excuses because we aren't used to demanding better.

Please make an appt w/ your therapist for next week. Tell your H he needs to be home at X time to take care of the kids so you can go to a Dr appt.

Please remember you are worth much more, and that his lies are unacceptable, and the unknown is scary because the potential to be so awesome and wonderful is overwhelming you.

Please focus on doing something nice for yourself every Single Day!!! You are strong and fantastic, and you will be even better when you get out of this abusive relationship.

Countrygirl10 posted 6/18/2019 14:09 PM

Aww thanks everyone.. thatís what I needed.. getting out of your own head is tough at times ..

I needed someone to say I know what I know. And I know what the future holds if I stay. I canít just look at the positive and need to look at the entire picture.
I think the fear of the unknown future set in momentarily as the fear of voicing my decision is starting to set in as well.
I donít want to break his heart, however this predicament is on him not the other marriage issues we had.

Thanks!!

humantrampoline posted 6/18/2019 19:05 PM

Countrygirl10,

My situation isn't exactly the same, but I totally understand the "suck it up" thoughts and posted the exact expression.

It baffles me that our spouses aren't thinking of their children and their welfare in the same way. They just don't have that priority.

That's not a "man-bashing" comment, because there's plenty of good ones here

truthsetmefree posted 6/18/2019 21:50 PM

Hereís what I learned through my 14 yrs of a false R as well as staying in the marriage for more logistical reasons...

The work is largely the same....regardless if you stay or go. You have to accept the limitations your WS has, recognize that only he can choose to change. He doesnít seem to be showing any meaningful progress toward becoming a reformed WS...so this is very likely what you are going to be working with. If you do choose to stay for logistical reasons then you need to be clear about the value of those reasons...and neither hope for him to change or beat yourself up for staying. Basically, you have to come to terms with what it is and accept it.

It can be done. 14 years later and Iím divorced - but I cannot say confidently that I made the wrong decision in staying for the logistical reasons. Where I did make the mistake is in continuing to emotionally invest in the relationship. Idk...perhaps I couldnít have actually stayed if I had been more realistic about the limitations. The divorce was unexpected, painful and hard for all the reasons that divorce typically is. In the end, I didnít get to by-pass that. However I did get benefits along the way that I wouldnít have had otherwise....and some of those benefits continue to this day. But they did come at a price. There is a cost analysis and only you can determine that. Just stay honest with yourself about the reality of all parts of the situation.

OwningItNow posted 6/18/2019 22:15 PM

In my experience here on SI, many BS with unremorseful spouses will say that they are detaching and staying for logistical and financial reasons, but then they post about their frustrations and hurts. Technically speaking, if you detach and accept your situation as it really is, you don't become frustrated and hurt. So then many BS claim that they are detaching but actually can't and don't, and they then suffer a world of hurt living with an unremorseful spouse. That negative energy can fill a home and override any benefit of keeping the family intact. So, acceptance is required.

Accept that your spouse is unremorseful and not going to help you heal.

Detach from caring one way or the other.

But don't detach so far that you refuse to speak to your wayward, or everyone suffers from that drama and negativity.

This is a very tough balancing act and most can't do it. I feel that BS lie to themselves about being able to detach under these circumstances. They can't, but they are too fearful to let the M go. So they suffer and suffer.

nekonamida posted 6/19/2019 05:51 AM

He's not a bad dad but can't even take the kids for an hour so that you can go to IC? He doesn't sound like a good dad at all if he has to be supervised with the kids 24/7.

Studies have found that children are more impacted by the abuse they see between their parents than they are by being abused themselves. Whatever you go through with him is directly impacting them. They can feel the stress and tension but don't know why even if they don't witness you and him fighting. You're not doing them any favors by staying and if he is a good dad, he will keep being their dad whether you're together or not.

Tigersrule77 posted 6/19/2019 08:22 AM

It is not better to stay in a relationship where you will continue to be abused. Infidelity is a form of abuse. He will continue to lie and demean you if you continue to not accept his BS excuses. Does that sound healthy?

StillLivin posted 6/19/2019 19:34 PM

You dont need anyone to knock some sense into you, you already know the deal. You do need to take action though,unless you're totally cool with being disrespected. Are you? Then what are you waiting for? This shit isn't going to fix itself. Contact an attorney and get the ball started.

cbgrace1980 posted 6/21/2019 10:44 AM

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. You are doing the right thing by setting boundaries and working with a counselor. Good job! You don't deserve to be treated like this, and I'm sorry that you are going through this. You are wise to realize that possibly you aren't the one to help him. Hang in there!

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