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DouglasMcM posted 6/14/2019 02:08 AM

My wife just admitted to a 13 month sexual affair with a married military Colonel. I share this revelation with a long term gay friend who offered to level the field with me over the weekend. Being bi and curious, but a virgin in the gay world, I'm wondering if revenge sex ever pays off in these situations.

OneInTheSame posted 6/14/2019 02:26 AM

Don't do it. This is one of those situations (not an opportunity) where you count to ten as many times as necessary so you don't compound an already messed up situation.

My answer is a solid "No."

LostWillow posted 6/14/2019 03:16 AM

No way. It will just make it worst for you.

Marie2792 posted 6/14/2019 04:57 AM

You are treading on a dangerous slope. Your other post about porn and now this one tells me that you are very frustrated with lacknofnsex with your wife following her affair. I would highly recommend you get into IC before you become a Madhatter. Your thought processes are leading you down that slippery slope. Get some help to restore your boundaries.

It doesn’t sound like you are in reconciliation with your WW. That means you have to work on yourself and let her work in hers. Sounds like she is still in the affair, but don’t become a cheater like her.

Butforthegrace posted 6/14/2019 05:37 AM

I'm among a minority here on SI in that I don't condemn the notion of a revenge affair. However, my observation is that a revenge affair rarely gives the BH any true sense of "revenge". In fact, a WW who is gaslighting and blameshifting, which is what your WW is doing, will use a RA as further ammunition against you.

At this point, based on the tidbits of information you have provided, it feels like (a) your marriage is horribly broken, possibly beyond repair, and (b) you and your WW are not even facing in the direction of R. Most here would recommend you read about The 180 (in the Healing Library, top left of this page) and implement a "hard 180" in your life. This is to give you psychic space to find your heart's truth.

If you feel that sex with this man is something you want, for you, that it would be a balm to your soul and might provide you joy, I'd suggest you go for it. But do it for those reasons.

Just be aware that it will not afford you any measure of revenge or ammunition versus your WW. She is a master manipulator who will use it against you.

TimeSpiral posted 6/14/2019 07:16 AM

I had a ONS RA. Her PA was over but the EA was still going strong. I told her my intentions before the RA and told her afterwards. When I started to tell her the details she said "I don't want to know". From then on there was a new equivalency where she felt justified in continuing to not tell me the whole truth about her A. This disclosure detente was a major factor in our rug sweeping, and it's easy to draw a straight line from that rug sweeping years ago to the reasons I'm here today.

I wish so much that I hadn't had an RA.

Short term negatives:
* It didn't fix anything.
* I got no pleasure from it.
* My WW (GF at the time) was my motivation and on my mind the entire time.
* I felt the same self-loathing others express feeling after illicit sex even though I didn't actually go through with it (I needed to know I could at which point I stopped).
* I felt guilt but it was so twisted up in my anger (for the PA I knew about) and fear (that the EA would revert to a PA) that I couldn't process my emotional state.
* My anger led to my entitlement led to her anger led to her entitlement and rationalizations. It made our eventual recovery so much harder.

Short term positives:
* I was at a low point, feeling no self worth. We were in a LDR, the OM was visiting her and trying to restart the PA, and I felt threatened. My RA gave me a baseline validation I needed, showing me I did have some sort of value to someone.

Long term negatives:
* Here I am on SI, 30 years later, having pulled out the whole truth after a mid-life crisis.
* I'm a MH so I couldn't post in JFO. It's led to self-censoring, which slows recovery.
* In being a MH it means I'm in part a WS. We've had to process through this, her pain as a BS is completely legitimate.
* The "mad" of "mad hatter" is apt, the duality drives you crazy.

Long term positives:
* I'll let you know if I ever find any.

[This message edited by TimeSpiral at 7:26 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

sisoon posted 6/14/2019 07:16 AM

Have you outed the colonel to his commander?

I'm against revenge As on moral grounds and even more on practical grounds.

Practically speaking, it's hard enough to heal as a BS. It makes no sense to me to compound that with the task of healing as a BS.

ibonnie posted 6/14/2019 07:24 AM

Do two wrongs ever make it right? Do you really want to become a cheater, and deal with the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" stigma for the rest of your life?

If you want to have sex with your friend, separate from your wife, start the process to divorce and enjoy exploring another man's body.

But don't use your friend to "level the playing field," because that's just not possible.

Brennan87 posted 6/14/2019 07:52 AM

I agree with others, especially butforthegrace.

If you are curious, that is one thing, but to go down this path as revenge? Bad idea...….

Do you really want to sell out your integrity and character for this.

Think how you view your WW now. DO you think her affair was all fun and games, or do you feel she was broken, used him, let herself be used, etc. Because however you view her and the aspects of the affair are going to be how you view yourself if you have an RA. Just keep that in mind.

Western posted 6/14/2019 08:00 AM

Look,

I know your wife has emotionally abused you based on your story. I also see that you have made the decision to never leave her, which I feel was a mistake because here you are suffering 25 years later and she still treats you like crap regarding her infidelities.

You seem to lack a gameplan which is troubling.

1) Porn is not as bad as an affair. nowhere close.

2) revenge affairs are wrong and disastrous to a relationship

My big question is why you tolerate such abuse ? The cheating was enough and the affair very nasty.

If you will 'never leave her' and you have been unsuccessful in getting her to atone for her misgivings and she has kept you as a Plan B both intimately and sexually, I am not sure what you really have left and I feel horribly for you

OwningItNow posted 6/14/2019 08:07 AM

Wayward thinking says, "I am hurting so deserve to distract myself with whatever I want." You sound very wayward. The opposite of wayward is to face the hurt and do what needs to be done to fix it. IC.

babypuke posted 6/14/2019 08:18 AM

By doing this you would let your wife and her A and her shitty behavior still control you, because without the A and her shitty behavior you would not even consider doing this, so by doing this you would first of all betray yourself. And yes, you lose the moral high ground as well and can expect repercussions. This all would not make it a happy experience, and the fun would be ruined even before it would start. The choice is yours.

[This message edited by babypuke at 8:18 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 6/14/2019 08:32 AM

There was a thread on here by a wife whose H was a serial cheater.

She had a revenge one night stand. She told him about it.

He D her b/c HE could not live with a cheater. I know it is illogical. He cheats and expects his wife to deal with it. His wife cheats once and she is thrown to the curb.

Just be prepared for a double standard from your cheating wife.

Cooley2here posted 6/14/2019 08:56 AM

Does this man appeal to you for more than just a one night stand? Is he someone you could be involved with if you were not married? If you know for a fact that there is a part of you that would like to investigate this then you need to sit down and have a long talk with yourself. Maybe it is time for you and your wife to separate and get divorce on the table where it belongs. If you want to separate and you’re still interested in this man then do it for the reasons that are good for you. One is that he genuinely of interest you not just for revenge. How you go about dealing with the end of your marriage and the possible beginning of another relationship will either make or break you the next few years.

swmnbc posted 6/14/2019 08:57 AM

The fact that this is a long-time friend of yours alone makes this a bad idea. But even if it were a stranger, no, I wouldn't recommend it.

If you want an open marriage, say so. Be open and honest about who you are.

ChamomileTea posted 6/14/2019 08:59 AM

Your bio says the affair ended in 2003. Why have you stayed for 16 more years?

ETA: Okay, I've looked at your other posts, but I'm still a bit muddled by your dates. You say the affair started in 1989, went on for 3 1/2 years (18 months PA), but ended in 2003. And you just found out in therapy?

How did you two end up in therapy? Were you the driving force of that or was it your WW?

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 9:09 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

DIFM posted 6/14/2019 09:46 AM

I agree with ChamomileTea, the dates are confusing as to when it started, when it ended, when you found out, how that relates to today, etc. Having said that, if you have no deal breaker boundaries, then none of that may matter.

I think it better and more healthy to impose boundaries for acceptable behaviors, than look to go outside of your M to get some convoluted satisfaction that will still leave you a slave to the no boundaries results.

DouglasMcM posted 6/14/2019 09:50 AM

Camomile Tea, thanks. I’ve corrected that date. It should say 1993.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/14/2019 16:04 PM

<<<--- sitting here shocked and appalled that any BS would ever suggest that it's ok to cheat if you have a good enough reason in your mind. Really? No. Never. Just no, it's never ok to cheat, even a revenge A. I value my integrity and morals far too much to let my lying cheating SAWH entice me to throw them away. If you don't have your integrity, then what do you have?

crazyblindsided posted 6/14/2019 16:43 PM

Revenge sex doesn't pay off. Ask me how I know? Ugh

Now I get to live with and have thrown in my face (by my NPD serial cheating WS) that I am just like him (and I am NOTHING like him).

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:44 PM, June 14th (Friday)]