"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

SaddestDad posted 6/3/2019 12:41 PM

Just a looking for virtual reassurances, talk-off-the-edge-support and hugs.

I'm literally TRYING to cry and I'm so fucking sad and feeling hurt right now. I can't even get one tear out.

I'm ready to just quit my job at the moment.

I'm almost ready to just drop everything and escape from the real world.
Responsibilities, maturity & anything having to do with being, "an adult."

I'm ready to do things I know I'll regret later if there IS a later.

How could she be "sorry" while she doesn't even know all there is that she has to be sorry for?

How can she claim that she understands what I'm going through when she tells me to just focus on trying to work?
If she DID understand my pain, she would have absolutely no way to even suggest that, let alone to hang up on me since she "can't afford both our jobs being destroyed," after having said that.

How the fuck can I gain the confidence necessary to be able to be productive while shit is still coming out?
My steering wheel is my desk.
Not exactly a great place for me to be dealing with this pain.

How can I feel COMFORTABLE with taking a step back in obtaining the details when I know that doing so just makes the flow of details take longer, thus giving me more unknowns & mind-movies to worry myself into a deeper darkness - all while she's able to get in with her day.

I'm not doing well overall.
I hate this "life."
I hate myself.

SaddestDad posted 6/3/2019 13:14 PM

Guess I should've put the word SEX into the title so people actually read this.
Whatever, doesn't matter.

Praxidike posted 6/3/2019 13:17 PM

SaddestDad, your pain is heard. Please don't hurt yourself. You're worth as human being is far, far more and higher than you feel right now. I've been that close to the edge myself, I swear life is worth living. And, no, not for going to work. And not for your WW. I wasn't working when my first DDays happened & I'm sure I wouldn't have coped well either.

Hugs. Post again so we know you're ok.

BigMammaJamma posted 6/3/2019 13:24 PM

I read your post. I feel woefully inadequate to offer advice or help. I have written and rewritten this reply several times and it stills seems so lacking. I am so sorry that your wife failed you. If you were to switch to an outside perspective, what do you think it is you need in order to move from limbo to D or R? I have been keeping up with your story and you seem to be in purgatory with no end date in sight.

Chaos posted 6/3/2019 13:25 PM

OK SD - you are in a lot of pain. And I am sending you lots of virtual support.

Breathe. OK - I know you just poured your heart out and all I'm saying is "breathe". And you are probably thinking WTF Chaos?!?!

Seriously. 10 deep cleansing breaths. I'm not kidding.

Now - you have done that and are still cursing my name. Good. I've distracted you for a brief moment.

Find yourself a hotline. WE can be one here on SI that's true - but if you are seeking IMMEDIATE response, please call one. No shame. Just an ASAP outlet. 24/7. Someone to listen and respond.

Being too sad to even cry is pretty low. And isolating. And something we have all experienced at one point or another. And many of us will experience again.

Post on. Get it all out there. Even the sad, dark and ugly. Purge your system of it. Don't mince words. Throw down.

We are all here to listen.

hikingout posted 6/3/2019 13:29 PM

I hesitated to respond to this because I thought it might come better from a BS...but here goes.

What you are feeling is normal. You are describing shock. It's not uncommon at all that you lose the ability to focus. I saw my H go through that. I went through a period of time like that myself, it took a lot of time to change that. I think that's what did it the most - time - I also worked on meditation and yoga because it teaches mindfulness. Being in the moment and decreasing my ruminating. I think there are BS's here that could give you a lot more suggestions for coping.

What I can address is, no she probably doesn't know all your pain yet. As a WS myself, I felt humiliated, full of shame, and sorry at this stage the two of you are at. My capacity to understand did grow as I worked on myself, and if your wife is working on herself the capacity will grow there as well. And, as that grew, H could lean more and more into me.

It does get better with time, no matter what the outcome is. It sounds like you are dealing with trickle truth - my advice there is to tell her that if she doesn't give you everything now and you find out any new truths later that the marriage is over, there is no chance for R. She may have already killed that chance anyway, but I would tell her that. She is trying to control the outcome and keep the marriage, but it seems that she hasn't done enough inner work to stop lying. You have options there. At the very least, review the information provided on the 180.

I am sorry, truly sorry you are having a bad day. Being told it's normal, that it will get better, and that your wife's capacity to understand will grow is probably of little solace to you. But, I did hear you.

I will say this last thing - you should not hate yourself. Her behavior is not reflective of you, it's reflective of her.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/3/2019 13:32 PM

I am so sorry, SaddestDad. I bet many have read your post but are at a loss as to what to post to comfort you.

You have been heard. Please, do not harm yourself. If you are seriously considering harming yourself, go get help ASAP. Call 1-800-273-8255 it is the # for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

I have been in the depths of despair, too, SaddestDad. I didn't want to harm/kill myself but I sure didn't want to wake up in the morning. I wouldn't have minded dying at the time, even though I had a son at home that still needed his mother. I get it. I wanted to run away, too, but I had no idea where to. The pain would just follow.

Are you on any anti depressants? If not, I suggest you see your doctor and ask for help there.

Your WW doesn't sound particularly helpful. I am so sorry. (((((SaddestDad))))))

Don't hate yourself, please. That made me cry. I wish I could hug you IRL. If you NEED to cry, try listening to sad songs. Always works for me. I cried a lot whilst driving. I don't recommend it, but it is what it is.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:34 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

onthefence123 posted 6/3/2019 13:34 PM

I'm literally TRYING to cry and I'm so fucking sad and feeling hurt right now. I can't even get one tear out.

I get to this point a lot. I think it's because I am so damn angry, it's not about my sadness. I'm so pissed off.

I'm ready to just quit my job at the moment.

I thought about quitting my job, too. I decided, though, that if I decided to divorce at some point, I couldn't be a SAHM, I needed a means for finances.

I'm almost ready to just drop everything and escape from the real world.

I've been researching healing camps. Not those you go to for addiction, but more spiritual healing. They have weekend ones. Going to leave the little ones at home with WH and go ALONE.

Responsibilities, maturity & anything having to do with being, "an adult."

Honestly, I put most of my "adulting" responsibilities onto my WH. I really did just drop everything into his lap. I just COULD NOT function and still barely function. Work is even very hard. I got FMLA for my depression...

I'm ready to do things I know I'll regret later if there IS a later.

Like what? Would love to hear ideas. Even though it may be something you would think you might regret, you might not actually!

How could she be "sorry" while she doesn't even know all there is that she has to be sorry for?

I don't know. I have followed your most recent story a little, and it's hard to believe...I don't mean to throw fuel on the fire, but it is odd...

How can she claim that she understands what I'm going through when she tells me to just focus on trying to work?

She can't. No wayward can. She needs to admit to you that there is no way she can ever understand the pain you are going through.

How the fuck can I gain the confidence necessary to be able to be productive while shit is still coming out?

I manage three sites and over 75 people. It's been extremely hard and in the early days, I could barely get to work. My job has suffered greatly. Just now getting back to it, but it's minimal, not like I used to be. Everything takes so much energy and effort now.

How can I feel COMFORTABLE with taking a step back in obtaining the details when I know that doing so just makes the flow of details take longer, thus giving me more unknowns & mind-movies to worry myself into a deeper darkness - all while she's able to get in with her day.

If you mean that she hasn't been completely truthful with you yet, she is still behaving like a coward. You deserve to know everything. What WH and I did was have about a 5 hour conversation one night and went through EVERYTHING, he answered every single question. We wanted it all out. THEN, our MC made him write more out. I felt like there must be more that I didn't know because it went on for so long and I couldn't have possibly covered everything in one night. He spent a whole day and wracked his brain for every little excruciating detail and then we went through that. Not too much more, but there were some biggies--like she offered her mom to look at our taxes!! OR, how about the fact that she was showing off OUR house to coworkers in their workplace, from Google maps!!

I'm not doing well overall.

I'm so, so sorry. I am praying for you.

I hate this "life."

Me, too. We didn't deserve it.

I hate myself.

Don't ever hate yourself. You didn't do this, you didn't deserve this. If anyone should hate themselves, it's all of the waywards. What shitty behavior to another human being. They should be downright ashamed with themselves. In order to redeem themselves, they should pull up their big girl/boy britches and brace themselves. They can fix it, but they can't let this be about them anymore.

Guess I should've put the word SEX into the title so people actually read this.

I get what you saying, it can feel like that around here sometimes...

(((SaddestDad)))I realize there wasn't much for advice or suggestions, but you have been heard and you are definitely not alone.

[This message edited by onthefence123 at 1:47 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

Odonna posted 6/3/2019 13:36 PM

The temptation to assuage the pain by withdrawing and quitting can be strong. But A) that doesn’t work to assuage the pain; B) it only hurts your kids, who sense already that things are not normal with you; and C) it only hurts you, too, in the end, as you feel hopeless and a failure.

So just as a matter of will-power, force yourself to accomplish things. Just a step at time. Resolve not to quit today. Decide to appreciate the beauty of the world. And do so, even if that just means looking up at the sky and taking a deep breath. Appreciate your body and being alive, even if that just means taking the “confident pose” (chest up, arms out to the side nd slightly raised, legs slightly apart, head raised) and focus on your breathing for three minutes.

All you have when the primal pain gets so bad is your intellect and your resolve. You have both!

NoLongerAlive posted 6/3/2019 13:46 PM

I think it's important to know you are not alone in what you are experiencing, that you have many people here who understand and will offer support. I hear the desperation and pain in your post, please believe that you won't always feel this way. It's not fair, and it sucks, that the person you should have been able to trust betrayed you in the worst way and you are suffering. I ask myself the same questions and share the same feelings regarding my WS. No, the WS will never totally understand what the BS goes through and they say a lot of stupid things. I hope she is in IC working on herself but I am more concerned about you right now. Are you in IC? Please check in to let us know how you are doing.

Dismayed2012 posted 6/3/2019 14:22 PM

Sorry to hear that you're not doing well Saddest.

If you're getting tired of the emotion roller coaster, the quick-fix is to get angry; angry with her, angry with the lies; and angry that she's getting along so well after destroying what you thought was your great relationship.

Then use that anger to take your life back. Start taking your life back by immediately filing for divorce and having her served with papers. If you truly are fed-up then it's going to take drastic action to get your life back on track. It's not necessary to move out of the house. An in-home separation can meet the requirements of divorce. Then sit down with her and hammer out the divorce agreement. Lose the fear that's holding you down and move forward with your life.

After you regain your freedom from your now toxic marriage, you can decide your future. Remember that there are no rules you have to follow if you divorce. You can live in the same house and do the same things. The difference is that you regain your pride in yourself by showing that you're not putting up with a cheater, and you simultaneously dole out consequences to the betrayer. All this while maintaining the care of your child and giving yourself the ability to choose whether you want to stay with a betrayer or seek a better partner.

Sometimes drastic times call for drastic actions and when it comes to your current and future mental health, drastic actions (divorce) are warranted.

emergent8 posted 6/3/2019 14:31 PM

((SaddestDad)) I'm sorry you are hurting like you are. Please know that you are good and loved and valued. You are also stronger than you think you are. You *WILL* make it. Please reach out to your family and your doctor if you have any more thoughts about suicide. It is absolutely not the answer.

Secondly, please don't quit your job. I can't remember from your other threads but do your bosses know what's going on in your life? If not, I think it might be time to tell them. In the aftermath of D-Day I was so freaking useless I do not know how I didn't lose my job. I missed a bunch of deadlines however and had to play catchup over the next year. I imagine your doctor would write you a note giving you some time off. Do you have access to short-term disability? Even if you don't, most employers would provide an unpaid short-term leave of absence with a medical note.

Please keep posting.

ibonnie posted 6/3/2019 15:14 PM

Are you in IC? If not, can you speak to your primary physician about antidepressants? I was so wary, and they took a few weeks to make a difference, but after about four weeks, I stopped wanting to sink into my bed and cease to exist.

Rustylife posted 6/3/2019 15:15 PM

You need stuff to distract yourself. When I was going through my divorce and in the earlier stages where the pain is at it's peak, I decided to watch new movies every night till I fell asleep. I'd do nothing but go to my work, come home, order takeout, and then watch movies till I fell asleep. Not the most productive thing but the pain and humiliation was overwhelming during those days. And I' d listen to uplifting trance during my commute. No alcohol. Never did any gym even though people say physical activity is very good to clear your head. You find your own niche to distract yourself.

The NBA finals are going on. Now the Knicks are never in there but it's still at a very interesting stage. Listen to podcasts about them rather than wallowing in pain. Just an example of what you can do. You'll be very proud of the fact that you didn't give up on your personal responsibilities when all this is over.

DevastatedDee posted 6/3/2019 15:29 PM

I remember this feeling you're describing too well. It was really bad when he was SLEEPING LIKE A BABY and I was awake, like you, so down and yet unable to cry and release any of it. Just wishing I could die. I wound up on anti-depressants. That's a bitch, isn't it? Having to take anti-depressants because your spouse damaged you? It was worth it, though.

You don't have to stay in this marriage. I know, there are a thousand reasons and most of them involve kids, but seriously, you don't have to see her face every day. You don't have to hear her not getting it and not supporting you. You don't have to have her as a daily trigger. You can build a life and leave infidelity behind. She isn't entitled to you as a husband anymore.

And goodness, don't hate yourself. Have some compassion for yourself. You're going through hell and just getting up in the morning is an accomplishment. I know how it feels, like fighting through sticky black tar just to look like a functional person. This does get better, but for a while, it's absolutely horrible.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 3:30 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

GoldenR posted 6/3/2019 16:16 PM

SD -

What good is coming out of you staying with her? Since your arrival here, I've watched you spiral deeper and deeper into darkness. She refuses to stop TT-ing you and with every new revelation, you slip a little further. It's time for a change.

ChamomileTea posted 6/3/2019 16:29 PM

You might need to get a little tough with yourself, SD. In my own experience, I eventually had to schedule some time out for myself, like... "yeah, I need a good cry, but I'm not doing it until after I get home and can stand in the shower". Watery eyes meant a rubber band snap on my wrist and a forced change of mental topic, like changing channels. There are lots of little ways to put your mind on another subject, so find what works for you.

ETA: Try to find a way to incorporate breathing into your strategy. A few deep, calming breaths can actually lower blood pressure. Look up "square breathing" and just make sure you don't get yourself dizzy driving.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 4:32 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

Thomas11 posted 6/3/2019 16:31 PM

We know how you feel, and it sucks. Please find someone to talk to and get it all out. It really does help. Get angry and take it out at a gym. It’s the only way I can stay sane (and sleep more than a few hours).

Aplomado posted 6/3/2019 16:31 PM

It sucks, and I was right there with you man. I took a month off work and was having panic attacks at home whenever she left the until I got on some meds. They say around here it takes 2-5 years to truely get past it...and that seemed like such a long time but...they were right. It's behind me, and it will be something that happened in your past as well. Until then:

1. Eat and hydrate. Take care of yourself.
2. If you need time from work, take it. But if staying busy helps, then stay busy.
3. Try to works towards R, but follow your heart. 80% of men cant handle betrayal and D. I was in that 80%, and I was sure I wouldn't be but...I was.
4. Things do get better. One way or the other, divorced or single, you will be able to sleep through the night, and get through several days without triggers. It just takes time.

In the mean time just take care of yourself and your needs. It's time to be selfish. Good luck man. You will make it!

A~

sisoon posted 6/3/2019 16:45 PM

Let your feelings flow. Do not try to force them - you can't. Feelings are fleeting things that your body generates - they're illogoical, not intellectual.

You don't yet have the skill to process your pain on your own. Hold tight - you can learn it. I recommend you start by separating anger from grief from fear.

Confidence is a matter of self-talk. I had a bout of impotence (fuck the term 'ED') when i was 49-50. I was leading a group building a data center, a consultant leading employees who were more arrogant than they had a right to be. I was challenged at every step. I just kept telling myself, 'They have no idea what goes on in my bedroom.' It's not easy, but it's doable.

Yeah, SEX would have gotten interest, but if no one is on, no one can respond. If you write something that needs thought before a person can respond, responses are delayed. And - most important - no one here owes anyone else a response. Guides and mods have certain responsibilities ... but if I don;t think I have anything to give, I can't respond. I imagine other staff members go through a similar thought process.

Your W can't tell you what she can't remember. It's one of the extra stresses you have to deal with. Remember remember remember: you have choices. You can end your M now. If you want to R and think R is possible, remind yourself that you're choosing to do what you're doing - and celebrate that. Celebrate your power of choice.

Your W can't feel your pain, whether she ants to or not, whether you want her to or not. It just can't be done. She can provide support, but your pain is your burden.

You can heal yourself. Healing can't come quickly, though, when the trauma is as big as what you face. Hang on.

If you can't get to IC quickly, the suicide hotline seems like a good resource.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:46 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]