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Missing so much

STLLOST posted 5/20/2019 12:15 PM

Papers have been filed. WW has told me she is with the AP and that she's sorry we didn't work. I know it's over but yet I can't seem to stopping missing so many different things.

I am grieving so many things all at once that I feel like my heart is never going to heal. I am grieving the loss of my marriage, the loss of my wife, the loss of my best friend, the loss of everything that put a smile on my face.

This last weekend I went to this thing at a bar with a few people and I ended up having a pic taken of me with someone that was at the event. Got her first name and that was it but I posted a few pics on Facebook and that was one of them. My WW saw it and got upset. She started asking me who the person in the pic was. I told her it was just some girl but one of my friends joked and said you two look cute together and I said thanks to it so she assumed there was more there than just some girl. She got jealous and she knows that she shouldn't but she did make a good point that she's been respectful enough not to post pics of her and the AP on Facebook. So I took the post down. The ironic thing is that the entire time I was out I was wishing that my wife was there with me.

My wife told me she loves me but she can't be herself if she's with me. I just don't understand that. I said weren't you yourself in our marriage and she said at the beginning. I reminded her that I fell in love with her at that point so...I don't get it. FML

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/20/2019 12:20 PM

I'm sorry. It is a grieving process. It will take time, but you will start to feel better. You will be just fine.

As far as the FB pic, why should you have to take it down? What you do is none of your stbxww's business anymore. The difference between her posting a pic with AP is that, well, it's AP. She cheated on you with that person. You did not cheat. You don't have to censor yourself because your stbxww is selfish and immature.

Adaira posted 5/20/2019 12:40 PM

Wow. The AUDACITY of her to be upset about a picture of you with a girl in a bar when she had SECRET SEX with someone else. She did not “make a good point” about how “respectful” she has been. She has shown you the utmost disrespect and she wants you to continue to respect HER while treating you poorly.

Again, the goddamn AUDACITY.

tushnurse posted 5/20/2019 13:55 PM

Please take this as well meaning....


She fired you. She gets NO SAY anymore.

You can post whatever you want. It doesn't mean dick, and you taking that post down, gives her power.

I'd put it back up. She isn't your wife anymore and she has NO POWER over you and your choices. Say it with me. She has NO POWER over you and your choices!!!!

gmc94 posted 5/20/2019 14:18 PM

(((STLLOST))). Rough stuff.
But it seem to me that recognizing the grieving is a good think - you are feeling it and working through it. Of course it's gonna be hard to get through. But get through it you will. Unfair or not, healing is necessary... and I believe grieving is part of it.

But my first reaction was similar to TushNurse's in that I don't understand why you wouldn't block your WW on FB/SM. I "unfriended" my WH on dday and have not "re-friended" him (not sure I ever will). Just seems that seeing those threads keeps the wounds open and allow a focus on the WW and not where it probably needs to be right now - firmly on YOU and YOUR healing and what YOU want for YOUR life.

Godspeed through this really difficult time.

STLLOST posted 5/20/2019 14:19 PM

I get what all of you are saying. I guess I took it down because I didn't want to hurt her. That's not in my character to knowingly hurt someone. Just because you're being hurt by someone it doesn't mean it's ok to hurt them.

Tush I know I know..I haven't been talking to her much. Mostly things with our daughter. She's getting ready to be gone for the summer so there's been stuff to get ready for.

It's going to suck because I will truly and utterly be alone for the month of June while my daughter is gone. And then she comes back for a week and is going to be gone for the month of July again. I think I'm having a harder time because it's just hitting me really hard that I'll be alone and my WW is still going to have her AP keeping her company. Gawd I'm pathetic.

Tren0R201 posted 5/20/2019 14:21 PM

Exactly. Why are you talking to her? More importantly why are you talking to her about her AP and your private life?

She's not being magnanimous by not posting pictures so the world can see the man whom she cheated on you with. Can you imagine, she actually made it seem like she was doing you a favor.

Also it's not jealousy. She gets to call the OM, be with the OM immediately after she stops talking to you. You continue to get aggravated while she manipulates you.

So as long as you allow her to keep playing around with your life, the more you'll "miss" her.

I mean seriously man.

Chaos posted 5/20/2019 14:22 PM

She lost that right.

She does not get to have the best of both worlds.

STLLOST posted 5/20/2019 14:22 PM

I didn't block her on FB because we both post pics of our daughter when we have her. I unfriended her once because I couldn't take seeing the AP's mother liking my wifes posts. But during one of the fake reconciliations I friended her again so we could see the pics.

AbandonedGuy posted 5/20/2019 14:30 PM

She betrays you in one of the worst possible ways, tells you she's hoing it up with AP, and expects you to what? Become a nun? Psssh, tell her to get over yourself and repost that pic with you and the bar cutie. It's easy to keep acting like you want them back when they ditch you for strange because you're still healing a gaping wound and cleaning up an emotional mess in your head. Don't let this woman dictate your life. She lost the right to say boo about *anything* when she abandoned you for some side.

gmc94 posted 5/20/2019 14:31 PM

use dropbox or google drive for the photos.

Why is WW getting daughter all of june and then all of July? Is DD going to camp? Or to stay with WW?

Honestly, if DD is going to camp, I would want to plan how to use that time to HEAL. To find the love and strength and confidence that you have in YOURSELF. It's really a great opportunity to build self esteem and confidence.

Who the eff cares about STBXWW? She "gets" her AP? Nope. What she gets is another person that is OK with lying and cheating and manipulating. Not a prize IMO.

What do you "get"? You get to be free from infidelity. You get to look forward with more strength and knowledge and understanding than you did before dday. You get to know and feel what integrity and honesty really are.

Death is hard - including death of a M. But I always try to remind myself that the "death" card in tarot is actually death and REBIRTH... new beginnings, etc. So we grieve what we've lost, but we also must see it as an opportunity for growth and what comes next. Death is a necessary part of moving forward, and as we embrace the end of the past, we can move forward with the future.


tushnurse posted 5/20/2019 15:06 PM

OK first of all you aren't hurting her. She is manipulating you into believing you are hurting her.

Second of all. What is so wrong with being alone???
Seriously. Being alone can be a wonderful marvelous thing. Learning to be happy all by your lonesome is a freeing thing.

What one skill or hobby that you have always wanted to do but never did do? Sign up for classes or doing it in June and July. This is time for YOU. Enjoy it.
And so what about your WS and her girlfriend. That's a relationship built on lies and deceit. It is destined for failure.

Love yourself. You may just find that you are a pretty cool person.

Justsomeguy posted 5/20/2019 15:49 PM

Okay, dude. You need to detach. Block her and only communicate via text so you have a written record. It ducks and you're grieving, but you also might want to think about living too, if even a little. Do some stuff for you. You say you are going to be alone for a month? Throw some shit in the car and hit the road. Go on an adventure. Discover the buried cool guy you used to be. Write out a bunch of shit you've always wanted to do and put them in a box. Draw one a week and bloody well do it. Love the shit out of your life! And post it on her batshit crazy...

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/20/2019 15:59 PM

I love all of tushnurse's last post (like the first one, too). You did not put that pic up to hurt your stbxww. I agree that she's not hurt. She's manipulating you. Get her the fuck out of your business!

As an aside, is there a reason the guys didn't notice this is a lesbian couple?

Justsomeguy posted 5/20/2019 17:16 PM

So sorry. No disrespect intended.

tushnurse posted 5/21/2019 09:23 AM

Hey STL PM'd you.

Hope you are feeling somewhat better today.

sisoon posted 5/21/2019 12:19 PM

I, too, want to know what's so bad about being alone. I understand something about the loss of one's partner. I understand missing one's partner, even if she was a lousy one. I don't understand fearing alone time.

If you can't be with yourself, who can you be with?
If you can't be with yourself, who can be with you?

My bet is that you're OK. If you don't see/feel that, I recommend a good IC.

My wife told me she loves me but she can't be herself if she's with me. I just don't understand that. I said weren't you yourself in our marriage and she said at the beginning. I reminded her that I fell in love with her at that point so...I don't get it. FML
First, FHL - she's the one who's messed up.

I quote the above with grief. Like you, I fell for my W as she was/is. She was assertive in our early days. She said 'no.' I took that to mean 'yes' meant 'yes.'

It turns out she hid a lot from me and built up a lot of resentment. It turns out she hated the core characteristics that first and most attracted me.

My bet is that your STBXW is blaming you for her unwillingness to be/fear of being herself. You love her, but she does not love herself, and she can't take your love in. If I'm win my bet, your upcoming D is doubly sad.

But ...

D - Don't
E - Even
T - Think
A - About
C - Changing
H - Her.

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