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I kept a promise to myself...I asked him to leave.

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Smallwonders posted 5/10/2019 01:48 AM

I had to do one of the most difficult things tonight, I asked my husband to leave our home. After this most recent day, I have accepted his choice to not fully disclose, I accepted this was going to take major work to restore. I accepted that my husband is deeply broken and that I cannot heal him. I accepted my role in the dysfunction of our relationship.

I did not withdraw or rage, I kept trying to stay connected and to be patient that he would need time to choose healing or choose me. I promised myself that I would accept his choices as his own but that life would no longer be the same.

My hearts desire was for reconciliation.I do not choose separation or divorce... I choose healing, even it means I will be alone. My heart is broken to lose this fight to save our marriage and family, to let go of a man I have loved for 30 years. Yes, I already doubt if I did the right thing. I had actually begun to see him trying, today he said he loved me for the first time in weeks. He allowed me to share how deeply his choices have hurt me... he was kind to listen.
He packed what he could take... and he left... He did not even ask to stay...

bookworm19 posted 5/10/2019 02:23 AM

I'm sending you a big warm, comforting hug, this is really a difficult time for you. We forget sometimes, how important it is to keep promises, especially to ourselves, where we are the only ones who know that we made them.

30 years is a really long time (I can testify, my partner and I are at 30 years this year, it feels like forever, in a good and in a sad way)

One more big hug (((((( Smallwonders)))))

Edited to add:
After reading your backstory I sure hope you will be strong and do what's right for you. And it really doesn't include him. sorry.
And tell somebody who will help you stay accountable and strong.

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 2:30 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

Noname2016 posted 5/10/2019 02:25 AM

First big big big virtual hugs to you my friend. You sound sad and my heart hurts for you.
Just know that you canít reconcile alone. He has to be more than willing to go all the way. If he doesnít have it in him as of now, he doesnít. What will happen in the future no one knows. For now the important thing is to take care of yourself. Let him go, let the idea of this marriage go. See and do what you need to feel better. This shit is hard for anyone. Period. And itís okay to doubt yourself too. Thatís the fear telling you to not move forward. I have been there. Heck, some days I am still there. But honestly, a drama and lies free life is just so much more peaceful.
Have you told someone close about this? I suggest you do. You need people you can rely on for some support. IC?

His saying ďI love youĒ doesnít mean shit. Words are cheap. They are the easiest to throw around. Actions are what matter. If he indeed wants to work on fixing things, separation isnít going to make a difference. Separation will only help you get some clarity. It does wonders, trust me.

And like my therapist said to me ďat some point you may realize that even though you love him, life with him is not an optionĒ.

((Hugs))

Dragonfly123 posted 5/10/2019 02:32 AM

I know you have fought hard, I know this is not what you wanted. You have offered him such a gift, such grace and compassion. He has not shown himself capable of reconciliation. Iím just so sorry your heart is broken. Please look after yourself. You will heal. You will get stronger. Youíve made the first step. Weíre all behind you.

Edie posted 5/10/2019 02:36 AM

((((Small wonders))))

I am glad you are honouring yourself. That is all we can do sometimes. It is hard but ultimately so worth it.

Smallwonders posted 5/10/2019 03:25 AM

Thank you replying... I know it is so lateor early now.

Bookworm- and noname -thank you. I am alone and do not have a support system other than si right now. So you are my only accountability. I shamelessly accept virtual hugs tonight

Dragonfly- I keep reading your words gift, grace, and compassion... to have given what I so desperately wanted for myself and have all I have to give rejected is so painful.

Edie - I did not see it as honoring myself, thank you I will hold onto this.

The1stWife posted 5/10/2019 04:55 AM

Sometimes you have to accept that YOU come first.

YOU cannot Reconcile alone. And you did all you could but it just didnít work.

You had to make the hard decision.

Good for you for choosing YOU - your happiness, your self respect, your sanity, you leaving infidelity behind.

Smallwonders posted 5/10/2019 05:38 AM

I did not sleep at all... the tears wonít stop flowing, every inch of of me feels crushed. I thought I had prepared myself enough for this. What have I done?

ibonnie posted 5/10/2019 06:21 AM

What have I done?

You've set boundaries, know you deserve a remorseful spouse that's giving you 110%, and you've chosen to work on healing yourself.

Your join date is 2013, so I'm going to assume (I applogize, I'm not familiar with your past posts) that you've been trying to heal and make your relationship work for the last six years.

If he's not working with you, or if you had another d-day recently, it's okay to say that you deserve better and if he can't give you that, then you're gonna give that to yourself.

Of course it's sad. If you didn't love him, ot wouldn't be. But that doesn't mean that you're not still doing the right thing. Good luck.

Stevesn posted 5/10/2019 06:25 AM

sw

Sometimes you have to just hear what they are telling you thru their words and actions. Youíve finally realized he will never be the partner you need him to be. Youíve taken an important step here. I know how hard it was to do.

Iím assuming you have an IC. Connect with them and ask for extra sessions for support. If you donít, please find one to start with.

As for rebuilding your own world, start slowly by getting out into it weekly. Sign up for a class. Or look at the MeetUp website for meetings of like minded people (animal lovers, political persuasion, art lovers, etc) or start volunteering for a charity you believe in. Fill your time with purpose.

You dont have to do anything but attend and listen at first. As time goes on you wonít be able to NOT make new friends. It will happen naturally.

Focus on you.

Iíd recommend connecting with your kids over what has happened. But that is just my perspective. I believe theyíd want to know and support their hurting mom.

Keep posting for support as well. Itís too damn slow a process to heal, but it will happen.

Set goals and work towards them.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:27 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

Smallwonders posted 5/10/2019 06:38 AM

For right now I do not have even in myself anything left to give. I cannot trust anything I say or do because I have lost my way.

I only know to breathe. I am not ready to think ahead to meet ups or classes, today I need to cry a let the pain and grief do itís work.

Not today, I canít face today.

northeasternarea posted 5/10/2019 07:46 AM

(((Hugs))) Be kind to yourself.

Superesse posted 5/10/2019 09:23 AM

Smallwonders, here are some more hugs for you this morning. Everybody is giving such great advice!

From my 22 years in a broken marriage, I think you are taking the healthiest step there is left to take! We really cannot force change on another person, but we really can decide how we are going to be treated. I agree with Edie, that you have honored yourself, even if right now, you are feeling empty. Believe us, you are not!

sewardak posted 5/10/2019 09:32 AM

is there anyone who can be with you now IRL? someone to come and sit with you while you cry?

Hg65 posted 5/10/2019 09:47 AM

What have I done

You have taken your first step towards healing. Youíve been in the trenches of infidelity and will start climbing out.

The clouds will clear for you, eventually.

Sending you love and light.

sisoon posted 5/10/2019 09:53 AM

I'm so, so sorry you had to set this boundary. But you know R takes 2, so I'm happy for you that you did it.

I can imagine the loss and shame you feel. The loss is real. The shame - well, you did the best you could. You took your H back, remarried ... he conned you. It's awful to be a victim of a con, particularly one as big as this, but you're ending it, and you know how to heal.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Like you, I think it's the first step in your recovery.

(((Smallwonders)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:53 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

Stevesn posted 5/10/2019 10:03 AM

Sorry, didnít mean to overwhelm you with steps.

First one in my opinion is IC. Do you have someone you are working with? Can you get in to see them?

FaithFool posted 5/10/2019 10:13 AM

Smallwonders, I left a 22 year marriage to a sex addicted supposedly remorseful WS. I turned 55 a few weeks after he moved out after a few months of truly awful IHS.

It was the most dreadful time of my life, I went down a rabbit hole of grief for a good five years after. I lived here on SI and found tons of support. LEAN ON US.

I'm here to tell you that life on the other side of that (I'm now ten years on) has been amazing.

I live alone (happily). I finished a BA and got an MA, which opened doors for me for lucrative post-retirement part time work doing what I love.

I have loyal friends who are more than family to me. They saw me through the hard awful times and I know they have my back.

Come and visit the sex addiction thread in I Can Relate. There are so many going through the same thing.

You can and will survive this. Sending huge healing hugs for you as you start your journey back to the light.

Dragonfly123 posted 5/11/2019 02:19 AM

Small wonders... how are you doing? Iím thinking of you.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:19 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

OwningItNow posted 5/11/2019 09:35 AM

Smallwonders, you have abandonment wounds from long ago, and those feelings are triggered when you end the R with your WS; you immediately feel unlovable and alone. The feeling leads to desperation and a strong need to get back with him.

Please read Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It helped me break this pattern. You can free yourself from this painful thinking. He is not going to change because our wounds cause us to find a broken mate to play this cycle out with, so we subconsciously choose a rejector. But you can learn and heal yourself. I did it! You can, too.

Keep reading and learning about how to heal abandonment wounds.

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