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Lorisa posted 5/8/2019 15:17 PM

It’s been almost two years since D day. My daughter is getting ready to graduate. Both of my kids LOVE LOVE their father, he can do no wrong. She is the last to graduate. We live in a small community where my husband is admired and loved. He had an affair for almost 13 years and I have not told but a handful of people. I’m so tired of the Lala land that we are living in. My husband is not doing the work that needs to be done. He gets defensive whenever we talk about the affair. I’m tired of it and want to shout out this awful lie to the world. What’s going on with me??? Is that ok, to want to live authenticity and to reveal this awful lie.

Brennan87 posted 5/8/2019 15:34 PM

Lorisa,

I think to a degree we've all been where you are. I do not think its wrong at all. There are consequences to our actions, all of us. If you feel revealing the affair will help you, then disclose it.
My only cautionary tale is your kids. This is just my opinion. In no way shape or form would I ever want them to find out about their mothers affair. I can't control it if she tells them, or they hear it on the street. But I would never deliberately inflict that kind of pain on them to "choose" sides. In my mind, my wife hurt them enough when she destroyed our marriage, I'm not going to be like her and add to it.
Family, friends, the neighborhood, strangers? Don't care, kids, just can't go there.

Hang in there! Most importantly, you do you!

Adlham posted 5/8/2019 15:37 PM

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to live authentically.

It's a very bitter pill to swallow when people believe what you know to be a lie. Luckily, for me, I didn't stay so the people who believe that I am a monster are people I dgaf about their opinion. The important people know the truth. Hell, even some of the unimportant people do. That's enough for me.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't. Only you can answer that for yourself.

I just want you to know that I understand and that I hear what you are saying.

I don't think it's a bad thing to be honest and open with your children, if you can use it as a lesson for life. I talk openly with my oldest, because she's an adult now, because I want her to have high standards for herself and to understand that even good relationships are work.

Anyways, just know that you've been heard.

Hardroadout posted 5/8/2019 16:14 PM

I finally told my teen children.

I felt like I wasn't living authentically. I also felt like I was handcuffed with being able to teach them important life lessons. I also got tired of their father and his mother making me constantly look like the bad guy.

It is a double edged sword. I hate that they learned that their happy childhood was tainted. I hate that they will never see their father the same way. It did make them softer to me, and they can see I speak from experience on certain lessons now.

I guess my advice is to really, really think about it because you cannot put the cat back once it is out.

crazyblindsided posted 5/8/2019 18:40 PM

(((Lorisa))) I exposed to everyone and still do not regret it. My kids overheard us on D-Day and thereafter so they know too, but they still love him as their dad. My kids also know about my RA to be fair.

deephurt posted 5/8/2019 18:47 PM

If that is what you want to do, then its your call. You get to do whatever you need to do to heal and I understand how its eating away at you for so many people, including your kids to think your WH is so awesome, when he is far from it.

I told our son and his fiancé. I had to, he knew something was up. It was impossible for me to hide the change in me, the shock, the anger, the pain. He saw it all. He said he worshipped his father growing up and its gone. But, Wh is doing what he can to rebuild trust with our son and he is doing the work to make me feel safe.

If my WH was not doing any of the work, I would be yelling it from the rooftops and bursting his bubble or awesomeness.

Unhinged posted 5/8/2019 19:31 PM

Roar away!

What's holding you back?

pearlamici posted 5/8/2019 19:47 PM

It all depends on the presentation...they will still love their father, but it's time for you to love yourself. Shitty things happen in life ... I'd read the 180 in the healing library - you've probably rug swept to protect your children (and the small community in which you live). Do what you want now ... you might be surprised that your husband suddenly starts "doing the work that needs to be done". Whether he does or no - it's your time now.

pearlamici posted 5/8/2019 19:49 PM

one more thing - SHOUT IT OUT! You'd be surprised when your cheating spouse begins to look at it through everyone else's eyes - then they get it - they realize what a POS they really are.

OwningItNow posted 5/8/2019 20:15 PM

So, this is a complicated feeling imo. You are angry because your WS is not doing the work. You are also angry that everyone looks up to him. Fair enough. But when you shout this out, you cannot control what anyone does, thinks, or says. It takes on its own life in the people it impacts and you can't take it back.

This feeling is often rooted in our own powerlessness, and I feel you might be better served by deciding what you want and expect for your own life. THAT needs to be your guiding force, not trying to punish him. You can punish him, but you can't control where that leads.

Example:
1. I need to live authentically and honestly.
2. Even if my family and/or children hate him or judge me, honesty in my life is critical.
3. I will accept however he feels or handles it. Honesty is worth it.
4. I will not try to hurt him but instead try to live authentically.

And then sit your kids down and tell them all that. No matter how he reacts or how others react, you'llbe sure this is necessary for you.

If any of these four required areas give you pause, you must confront that fear because that fear is stealing your authenticity. For example, if he is furious as in #3, are you prepared to accept that? If so, great--but then why are you accepting such crappy behavior from him now?

cancuncrushed posted 5/8/2019 20:28 PM

I lived this exact thing...I kept the secret for 7 years....WH kept cheating...he knew he got away with it...he believed I would never leave him...and he was free to continue...

He actually said "We have a great relationship" ...HE was giddy...he had a new AP...

You mentioned the graduation....is it a time reference? graduation was my time reference....I planned to D him after graduation...But Jr year, WH was diagnosed with brain damage from alcohol. I stayed for graduation...NOt sure what to expect with the illness...

Wh continued to drink...continued to cheat...continued to be dishonest on every level...and we are Ding..

I told His family...our family...some friends..some neighbors and sometimes I tell strangers....it was uplifting...it was a weight off of my shoulders....I had to ask myself, and you.....why is his secret more important then your pain? Why do you keep the secret? was it because of the children? My children knew...

I didn't want 100% fallout...until graduation...I didn't want him to lose his job....or quit...I didn't want my last child to quit school....

Shout....you have the right...you deserve the peace....he is not more important then you...he blew this up....and you are carrying the burden alone...not to mention his lack of appreciation that you carry that load....

I keep learning....its not as big of a deal as I thought it was....nobody cared about it that much...they were over it quickly....there was no reason, except my children...then I was done. Wh literally ran away...he has almost zero contact with the grown kids...or anyone else...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:32 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Tallgirl posted 5/9/2019 04:58 AM

Has his A stopped?

My kids know that their dad had a five year A. No other details.

Here are some things I did not expect.

- Only 2 questions. Do we know her? Is the affair over?

- They expected us to divorce immediately, and were quite shocked and disappointed when we didn’t. They were quite angry with me for staying.

- They stopped talking to their father for many months. Now when they interact with him, which I encourage, I feel angry because it feels to normal. I guess I want my husband to have more consequences

— My oldest son knew. I was extremely upset to know he lived with this knowledge, this burden, for four years.

- My nearly adult children still did self blame. They said “It was because of what I did. “

- They question their own ability for love. It hurts to see them think that they would not be good husbands because of their dad

I could not keep this secret. And I was so hurt from 10 years of lies that I could not bear the thought of hiding it for much longer. I was starting to feel sick. I did not want to lie to my children. It was hard. Be ready for the unexpected.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:00 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 5/9/2019 06:01 AM

No need to shout. The next time there is a natural opportunity to share the truth, you could say something like this:

I have had a really hard time accepting his girlfriend. They were together for 13 years.

Booyah posted 5/9/2019 06:53 AM

This "Lala" land that "we" live in has been created by you. It's not "we" it's you.

He's shown you who and what he is, and what he's willing to do and how much he values you. Time to BELIEVE him!

You want to live an "authentic" life? It ALL starts with you!!

You want to reveal/expose the lies to everyone so that they'll see the REAL him but you have no control over how they'll react to it (and in the big picture it doesn't matter what they think it's what YOU think). Will they do what you've done over the past two years and put up with it and be ok with the lies? Again it doesn't matter as you're the one here who wants to stop with the charade and live an authentic life.

I certainly understand and appreciate being authentic, but the only way to get there is you being honest with yourself and setting the boundaries and truths that put you on the path of authenticity.

It all starts with a decision and than taking that first step of action....than the next action.....followed by another action....and soon you're moving in the direction/place that you seek.

What you're currently doing (the past two yrs) isn't working for you. Don't you think it's time to try something else? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You get ONE chance at this journey of life. The sand is dwindling down in your hour glass and as it does each granular of sand (time) becomes that much more precious.

You want out of living in "Lala" land you better SLAP YOURSELF and wake up.

Nobody says it's easy living an authentic life. Go watch the movie "The Razor's edge".

Good luck to you.

Lorisa posted 5/9/2019 13:23 PM

Booyah, you hit the nail on the head, thankyou!! I guess it comes right down to, I’m freakin scared!!! That’s it in nutshell. I have to take one action, 1 step at a time. I have no confidence right now and I know that I need to move forward. 3 weeks for the count down of my daughters graduation and maybe it is a new life for me. Live in acceptance of what is,...thankyou for your message. Now, to get started....

1Faith posted 5/9/2019 13:31 PM

Is your WH still actively IN the affair?

Your children want you to be happy not stuck in an unhealthy relationship.

Time for YOU to THRIVE.

You deserve to be happy. Don't lose any more of yourself to his horrid choices.

(((hugs)))

Lorisa posted 5/9/2019 13:46 PM

1faith, no my husband has been out of the affair for 2 years, since DDay, when I discovered the emails. He is a good man that did an awful thing. It’s been a long road but time to move forward. I was waiting for my daughter to graduate.

Chrysalis123 posted 5/9/2019 14:30 PM

He is a good man that did an awful thing.

This is debatable. If he had had a one night drunken tryst...maybe.

He did not. He deliberately plotted to deceive you, deliberately stole time and resources from you and your kids, he deliberately manipulated you, he deliberately risked your health without your permission, and he probably tried to make you feel like shit if you dared to question.

Because he did this for 13 years, it reveals a very flawed character. Because he did this to the mother of his children, and his children....people he vowed to love and cherish it makes it even worse.

I know you are new here. You are here because this affair is disturbing to you, as it should be. Good on you. Your job is to sort through all of this, to survive infidelity and find peace.

Booyah posted 5/9/2019 14:39 PM

Congrats Lorisa as you my friend have just had a moment of enlightenment. What's keeping you stuck in "Lala" land and putting up with your H bullshit is you're afraid.

Don't beat yourself up over this as you now know what's going on and keeping you immobilized. You can't do anything with a situation unless you truly understand what you're dealing with.

In your case fear.

In my humble opinion when we humans don't think through a situation we're dealing with and how things could specifically play out our minds naturally will be overwhelmed by it all and we'll gravitate to making it WAY worse than it really is.

Get a piece of paper out and write down all the things that you're afraid of (and be HONEST with yourself)!!! You want to live an "authentic" life it starts right now and it starts with you being honest about what frightens you about making the changes in your life that you KNOW DEEP IN YOUR SOUL AND SPIRIT need to be made?

You are drowning in your fears and you need to throw yourself a life line as NOBODY else is coming to help you until you take the first step yourself.

Lorisa let me also tell you that EVERYONE has fears and gets afraid in life. Let me also tell you the difference between a courageous person and a coward is the courageous person will take action DESPITE being afraid.

Loved what John Wayne use to say about courage. "It's being scared to death and saddling up anyway".

Fear is a bitch and if you don't deal with it Lorisa it will seep into every area of your life. I am constantly teaching my kids about this and more importantly having them FACE their fears on a daily basis.

Did you ever see the movie "We bought a zoo"? There's a part in the movie when Matt Damon's character is teaching his son about facing his fears (taking action despite being afraid). He tells his son, "you know.....sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage.....just literally 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery and I promise you something great will come of it".

Two things happen in my opinion when we face our fears and take action anyway.
1) it's never as bad (or scary) as we made it out to be in our mind
2) once we take action and see that we have it in us to do so it gets easier to do the next time....and the time after that....and after that!!!

It's like a muscle the more you use it the stronger it will get.

Back to your list of fears. I promise you once you put a plan in place and you start to face them one by one Just as in the line of "We bought a zoo" "I promise you SOMETHING GREAT WILL COME OF IT".

The other great thing that will happen is by putting a list together and starting to take action help will come.

Lorisa life is too short my friend. One day you'll look back on your life and the regrets are never really about the things we did but rather the things we did NOT do and the number one reason why we didn't do it is because of fear!!!

You can do this Lorisa and more importantly you WILL do this.

Every journey starts with a decision. Than take the first step and each step you take will get you closer to being the person you were created to be.

You are stronger than you think you are
Everything you need is already inside of you.
You just need to tap into it!!

Be a FREAKIN WARRIOR!!!!
Take care of one step at a time and one day at a time and just focus on that. NOT the big picture as it can be overwhelming.

That authentic life your spirit desperately desires awaits you.

God bless my friend!

Lorisa posted 5/9/2019 16:05 PM

Wow!!! Is all I can say. Thankyou!!!! I can’t tell you how lonely this has been. I am so grateful for all of your words of wisdom. I feel as though someone is listening. I’m so thankful!!