Congrats Lorisa as you my friend have just had a moment of enlightenment. What's keeping you stuck in "Lala" land and putting up with your H bullshit is you're afraid.
Don't beat yourself up over this as you now know what's going on and keeping you immobilized. You can't do anything with a situation unless you truly understand what you're dealing with.
In your case fear.
In my humble opinion when we humans don't think through a situation we're dealing with and how things could specifically play out our minds naturally will be overwhelmed by it all and we'll gravitate to making it WAY worse than it really is.
Get a piece of paper out and write down all the things that you're afraid of (and be HONEST with yourself)!!! You want to live an "authentic" life it starts right now and it starts with you being honest about what frightens you about making the changes in your life that you KNOW DEEP IN YOUR SOUL AND SPIRIT need to be made?
You are drowning in your fears and you need to throw yourself a life line as NOBODY else is coming to help you until you take the first step yourself.
Lorisa let me also tell you that EVERYONE has fears and gets afraid in life. Let me also tell you the difference between a courageous person and a coward is the courageous person will take action DESPITE being afraid.
Loved what John Wayne use to say about courage. "It's being scared to death and saddling up anyway".
Fear is a bitch and if you don't deal with it Lorisa it will seep into every area of your life. I am constantly teaching my kids about this and more importantly having them FACE their fears on a daily basis.
Did you ever see the movie "We bought a zoo"? There's a part in the movie when Matt Damon's character is teaching his son about facing his fears (taking action despite being afraid). He tells his son, "you know.....sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage.....just literally 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery and I promise you something great will come of it".
Two things happen in my opinion when we face our fears and take action anyway.
1) it's never as bad (or scary) as we made it out to be in our mind
2) once we take action and see that we have it in us to do so it gets easier to do the next time....and the time after that....and after that!!!
It's like a muscle the more you use it the stronger it will get.
Back to your list of fears. I promise you once you put a plan in place and you start to face them one by one Just as in the line of "We bought a zoo" "I promise you SOMETHING GREAT WILL COME OF IT".
The other great thing that will happen is by putting a list together and starting to take action help will come.
Lorisa life is too short my friend. One day you'll look back on your life and the regrets are never really about the things we did but rather the things we did NOT do and the number one reason why we didn't do it is because of fear!!!
You can do this Lorisa and more importantly you WILL do this.
Every journey starts with a decision. Than take the first step and each step you take will get you closer to being the person you were created to be.
You are stronger than you think you are
Everything you need is already inside of you.
You just need to tap into it!!
Be a FREAKIN WARRIOR!!!!
Take care of one step at a time and one day at a time and just focus on that. NOT the big picture as it can be overwhelming.
That authentic life your spirit desperately desires awaits you.
God bless my friend!