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Wives chosen for reliability = plan B?

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Dragonfly123 posted 5/8/2019 01:56 AM

‘Ugly women’ song, plain women comment.

I thought that we’d agreed that most affairs are about the CHs brokenness not their requirement to get laid with a prettier AP.

I saw my husband’s AP without makeup, filters and selfies. I’m twenty years older and far better looking! But it took me months of reading and healing to really feel this.

There are BWs coming on here fresh from the trauma of finding out that their husband has fucked someone they perceive as younger, blonder, thinner whatever, their hearts are breaking, they’re hating their reflection in the mirror and there are some making comments on ugly/plain wives.

And as for the idea of these happy husband’s with their ‘plain wives’, they might look at that woman and see the most beautiful person on the planet. Who are we to say they’ve settled with their ‘plain wife’ they might see a diamond? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Just not sure why these comments are necessary! By all means talk about reliability, security, family, faithfulness when talking about the plan b theory but why reduce it to looks?

Way to go!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:18 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

seekers posted 5/8/2019 04:54 AM

Just not sure why these comments are necessary!

Agreed. Perhaps when haters gonna hate it really shines a light on their character. Some specific misogynist remarks here leave little question on that front. I will stick with the posts that highlight the men who cheer on, uplift, and help others here.

Rideitout posted 5/8/2019 05:10 AM

The joke about BJs stopping after she eats wedding cake...aren't jokes.

Funny as a heart attack. Nothing like a socially acceptable joke about premeditated emotional abuse. Basically the male equivalent would be "Can't wait to get married so I can stop pretending to give a s**t about her and get me my live in housekeeper and baby maker". Yeah, hilarious, right?

By all means talk about reliability, security, family, faithfulness when talking about the plan b theory but why reduce it to looks?

Because it matters. It matters a whole lot to some people, just like penis size matters a whole lot to some people (BS's). I'm not a woman, so I can't say for sure, but I'd have to think that that the "plan B" feeling would be stronger if the WH's AP was incredibly beautiful and she dropped him at D-day. Where it would be less strong if the WH's AP is unattractive and he dropped her. Just like for me personally, I'd feel more like "plan B" if my W's AP was rich and had a huge penis.

Looks are every bit as much "you" as your reliability, security, and all the other "more evolved" things that people select for in a M.

[This message edited by Rideitout at 5:14 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 5/8/2019 06:11 AM

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 6:14 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 5/8/2019 06:13 AM

Maybe to ‘some’ really superficial men, but I would hope not ‘most’. But women are coming on here to read on one page about affairing down, that the affair has nothing to do with them but is to do with brokenness in the WS and then coming to this thread and reading flippant comments about ugly wives, or how some men can be ‘happy’ with plain women because they look after them. That’s not constructive it misogynistic, it’s hurtful and damaging to betrayed spouses already dealing with comparison pain.

As an aside I have no time for plan b theory. It perpetuates the myth that affairs are about the betrayed. They’re about the brokenness in the CS. For me they either chose plan a, to get healthy and refind their moral compass return to their core values or plan b continue on a path to self destruction and often addiction thrown in.

ETA I think we’re talking at cross purposes RIO, I agree that women are worried about this, I think I wrote briefly about the struggle I had with comparison. My point is the language used and the way some of these comments are written is damaging to those women who are worrying about it.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 6:16 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 5/8/2019 06:21 AM

Seekers, couldn’t agree more. We have some fantastic male posters whose words I often look for.

hikingout posted 5/8/2019 06:48 AM

Unbroken,

You have to be fucking kidding me. Get their husbands clothes ready and feed them so they can provide and be a good father? Is this 1950?

I run two companies. I did all the kids stuff, house stuff, dinners etc. I live in the “male”world for the most part and do all the “female” stuff too. I do think there is a woman’s equivalent to a bj - it’s romance. Cards, flowers, meaningful gestures, getting our doors, being appreciated. Being courted. Feeling taken care of in return. So I guess I can just get on here and say “gee I did all the stuff and my husband didn’t do those things so I guess I just got to thinking I would cheat” I mean, I gave the sex and the blowjobs too- willingly and enthusiastically many times a week for over twenty years. Are you saying I had the same understandable thoughts? My guess is no.

Hmmm. There is some really sexist stuff happening here. Your post is the equivalent of women going to the men’s thread and saying “well I guess she wanted someone better looking with a bigger dick, it’s understandable”

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/8/2019 07:23 AM

As an aside I have no time for plan b theory. It perpetuates the myth that affairs are about the betrayed.

This ^^^^^^^ Over and over, this!

I don't understand why people refuse to accept this. I can't imagine it helps with healing to consider yourself plan B. Maybe people just can't believe that everything isn't about them?

NeverHealed posted 5/8/2019 07:31 AM

Your post is the equivalent of women going to the men’s thread and saying “well I guess she wanted someone better looking with a bigger dick, it’s understandable”

The difference is, a lot of men would nod in agreement with that, would understand it. And no one would accuse you of misandry, although there's plenty of that on this site.

Women can carry on wishing, believing, that men should be more like women. I don't think it's helpful, or realistic.

HoldingTogether posted 5/8/2019 07:45 AM

Holy shit gentlemen! Read the fucking room!

I get that some individuals on this site seem to keep beating the same damn drum over and over again (almost as if they have an agenda or something) but maybe this thread isn’t the appropriate venue in which to grind that particular axe.

Way to toss a turd into the punch bowl.

Jeeze!

hikingout posted 5/8/2019 08:29 AM

Your post is the equivalent of women going to the men’s thread and saying “well I guess she wanted someone better looking with a bigger dick, it’s understandable”
The difference is, a lot of men would nod in agreement with that, would understand it. And no one would accuse you of misandry, although there's plenty of that on this site.
Women can carry on wishing, believing, that men should be more like women. I don't think it's helpful, or realistic.

You really missed my point. Like by a long shot.

The point is infidelity leaves both men and women potentially with big insecurities, at least at first. So, the reason I said this was that he just came in and lambasted them with their deepest insecurities, and I have yet to see a woman go into the men's forum and do the same. Usually they get torn apart for trying to actually assuage the insecurity. In fact, the only people who go in and say shit like that to men, are *Drumroll please* OTHER MEN.

I agree with the above posters, cheating has nothing to do with your spouse.

The main point I was making is that you can't reduce the value of your wife to whether she cooks and gives blowjobs, no more than you can reduce the value of your husband by the size of his penis. There is something wrong with the equation if you are buying this shit.

DevastatedDee posted 5/8/2019 08:56 AM

His clothes are ready, his house is clean, and his wife greets him with a smile when he gets home. Happy man...who also reciprocates to maker her happy.

Aww damn. I had the happy-to-see-him and the blowjobs and the frequent sex down, but I didn't get his clothes ready in the morning and I didn't expect to be the only motherfucker responsible for cleaning the damned house.

If only he'd had a bigger dick, I guess I would have done all that too.

This is stupid.

onthefence123 posted 5/8/2019 08:59 AM

As the gatekeepers of sex, women often hold the ultimate power to determine their place in the pecking order.
I could say men hold the key, so all you men should just get your shit together.

But I don't feel at all the way you do, I don't believe a marriage is a tit-for-tat.

And no fucking way in hell am I ever going to take one sliver of blame for my WHs shitty behavior. I WAS and still AM an AWESOME wife. I stood by him when he made HUGE mistakes, didn't blame him or throw it in his face ever when he lost $25,000 of our money (even though it WAS his fault). When he accidentally hit his new truck on the side of the garage door, no problem, take it and have it fixed. All of these things would have went much differently for me if the tables were turned, that's for damn sure!

I did everything for him, let him do whatever he wanted to make himself happy, I can't even tell you how many days I took off of work to do something he wanted to get done around the house so I could be his fucking go-for yet you are trying to tell me and that I am to believe that if I had cooked, cleaned, and made sure he had sex every night that I could keep him on a leash? WTF?!??

For what it's worth, I tried it and he went off and had an affair anyway.

HE was wrong, not me. He says he stares at me every night and every morning while I am sleeping and prays over me and can't believe what he has done. HE realized he put his selfish entitled dick ahead of everything that was MOST important, his family, his wife, his integrity. This has NOTHING to do with what I was or was not doing. He was the ass-hole.


SisterMilkshake posted 5/8/2019 09:08 AM

This has NOTHING to do with what I was or was not doing. He was the ass-hole.
Yep!

onthefence123 posted 5/8/2019 09:14 AM

Who are we to say they’ve settled with their ‘plain wife’ they might see a diamond? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
BOOM!
Some specific misogynist remarks here leave little question on that front.
BOOM!
The joke about BJs stopping after she eats wedding cake...aren't jokes.
Wow, how about the emotional abuse from thinking you have a loving and caring fiancé that will forever treat you like the queen and hold you dear to their heart--only to find out that once they have you and life moves on, you are now the maid and mom? I am not saying what you feel is wrong, but it definitely goes both ways. All of this men vs. women finger pointing is fucking awful. Like, aren't we all on the same side here? We were all fucked over! Why are we trying to point blame on those here that are in crisis?
So, the reason I said this was that he just came in and lambasted them with their deepest insecurities, and I have yet to see a woman go into the men's forum and do the same. Usually they get torn apart for trying to actually assuage the insecurity.
BOOM!
I had the happy-to-see-him and the blowjobs and the frequent sex down, but I didn't get his clothes ready in the morning and I didn't expect to be the only motherfucker responsible for cleaning the damned house.
BOOM!
Is this 1950?
BOOM!

edited for wrong quote.

[This message edited by onthefence123 at 9:30 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Carissima posted 5/8/2019 09:37 AM

I'm sorry but I feel I'm missing something here. Throughout history men have been encouraged to marry for reliability. To go out and have their fun, sow their wild oats and then come back and marry the good reliable girl.
Even now there are still the girls boys have fun with but they deem unsuitable to take home to meet the parents. Yes it's outdated and the labels are unfair but I've seen them in use with the young guys I work with. The 'unsuitable' girls are just like the boys, young, pretty, like to have fun but in the guys minds they're ok for now but not marriage material, whatever that is!
It's only in fairly (relevant) recent terms that women have been encouraged to do more than settle in marriage.
Oh and for the poster who said that a wife should keep her husband fed and sexed, I didn't see anything in your ideal world about the husband providing the wife with orgasms or any type of sexual pleasure. Was the idea that she simply act as some sort of human vibrator, to be used as needed? No reciprocation required?

DevastatedDee posted 5/8/2019 09:40 AM

Conversely...I know some men who are uber happy with relatively plain looking women as those women OWN their man's happiness. They put effort into keeping him in tip top shape so he can perform at work and be a great dad. They know that his happiness will directly enable him at work, at home, and in life...so they throw a BJ at him when he looks down and bring their A game at bedtime. His clothes are ready, his house is clean, and his wife greets him with a smile when he gets home. Happy man...who also reciprocates to maker her happy.

Listen, I don't know what otherworldly crowd you run with, but I have my doubts that everyone here is a supermodel or Jason Momoa. The average person is average-looking. This idea that the only way that non-Victoria's Secret models are going to keep a man happy is to be his servant and kiss his ass is just absolutely not related to reality. Now I grant that if Jason Momoa was ecstatically married to Roseanne Barr, you might wonder what it is she does in the bedroom to blow his mind. That's not the average person's situation here, though. Not one of us of any attractiveness level needs to kiss another adult's ass to keep them happy.

Relationships are mutual, or supposed to be. You keep each other happy. Women don't have to work full-time, slave in the kitchen, clean the house like a pro, raise the kids and then it's blowjobs for the rest of the night in order to keep a grown-ass man happy. A grown-ass man can get his own clothing ready and treat his home as if it's his home too and clean it too. Raise the kids too. Rock his woman in the bedroom too. Cook dinner too. Heaven forbid.

Adaira posted 5/8/2019 09:57 AM

I know some men who are uber happy with relatively plain looking women as those women OWN their man's happiness. They put effort into keeping him in tip top shape so he can perform at work and be a great dad. They know that his happiness will directly enable him at work, at home, and in life...so they throw a BJ at him when he looks down and bring their A game at bedtime. His clothes are ready, his house is clean, and his wife greets him with a smile when he gets home. Happy man...who also reciprocates to maker her happy.

So weird! I did all that and more and rather than reciprocate, he fucked his coworker. And she never even had to vacuum for him. Huh.

Maybe - and this is a crazy idea, I know - we all need to own our own damn happiness and not look to other people for external validation. And if we find ourselves unhappy in a relationship, maybe we could talk to the person and find a solution that doesn’t involve humping people we’re not married to.

Butforthegrace posted 5/8/2019 10:14 AM

Both this thread, and the "BH as plan B" sibling, arise from a certain type of A. In the case of BH as plan B, there are BH's here who have been married a long time, who work hard and don't squander their earnings and do the things that a supportive husband and father can do, which, for many husbands, includes enduring a certain amount of decline in the bedroom, only to find their WW went "crazy on you" with a male AP, often a LTA.

In the BW sibling, the wife carries children, often works a job whilst performing way more than her share of household chores, etc., only to find her WH has been involved in a LTA with a younger, prettier woman.

In both cases, we hear a similar anguish from the BH and the BW. We often see on SI that the A is "not about you", but for a betrayed spouse who has truly given his or her all to a long term marriage, and who has relied on the integrity of his/her WS to, among other things, honor his/her marital vows, finding out that he/she decided to dishonor those vows feels pretty damn personal. And finding out that he/she enjoyed the thrills of numinent new infatuation and all of trappings that go along with this, while the BS continued to toil under the burdens of adulthood/marriage/parenthood, that is where the "Plan B" thoughts come in.

My observation here on SI is that BS's of both genders, in the face of that kind of cake-eating, mid-life crisis A, feel almost exactly the same kind of anguish, which includes anguish over the sexual part of the WS's A.

hikingout posted 5/8/2019 10:34 AM

Butforthegrace,

I don't think it's that no one understands this. I am not even a betrayed wife, but I found it insulting that someone came on and "warned" women that it's natural for men to want to cheat if they aren't going to "keep their balls empty and their stomach's full".

I also have to say I still do not understand why you quoted that song on this particular thread rather than the mans?

The reality of it is that the mission for both sides should be to take care of each other. You know I am an advocate for a wayward wife understanding that a BH does need to see desire from his wife after such an injury. I do stand by that, so long as the WW is not being abused. I totally understand why that is and it's more about showing their husband they value them in a way that a man understands.

But, to come on to a BW thread and say shit like that to a bunch of women who ALSO were doing everything a loving supporting wife and mother should do and basically receive a lecture about giving more blowjobs? Come on, you must realize that the context of that is really piss poor.

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