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Wives chosen for reliability = plan B?

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stolenyears posted 5/9/2019 16:52 PM

I am so sick of hearing what "everyone" wants, and even sicker of hearing that we're delusional or avoidant if we don't buy into those generalizations.

Does this mean the chaps are a no-go?

turnthepage posted 5/9/2019 17:01 PM

Oh no not the chaps! Say it ainít so!

NotTheManIwas posted 5/9/2019 17:03 PM

Does this mean the chaps are a no-go?

I know, right? Just when the male mind has "fixed" it, nope, blown out of the water.

turnthepage posted 5/9/2019 17:04 PM

Dammit. There goes hikingoutís Mothers
Day present.

wifehad5 posted 5/9/2019 17:53 PM

NotTheManIwas,

Violations are not about what we like or donít like - but about generalizations and breaking of guidelines.

BraveSirRobin posted 5/9/2019 18:36 PM

Does this mean the chaps are a no-go?
Dammit. There goes hikingoutís Mothers Day present.
Well now, there y'all go, spoiling a perfectly good rant with humor.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:38 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

NotTheManIwas posted 5/9/2019 18:43 PM

Alright, wifehad5, since you decided to call me out, when last we interacted, I asked you to point out a single instance where I'd generalized, and the best you could come up with is that I'd "seemed" to have supported someone who had. How, I ask you, is this breaking the rules.

[This message edited by NotTheManIwas at 6:50 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

NeverHealed posted 5/9/2019 21:51 PM

It's because it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, the cheating is about the cheater.

This is the mantra of this site, espoused by the betrayed who want, need to believe that it wasn't their fault. (I see the knives being sharpened; remember I am a betrayed husband.)

RIO says maybe more words of affirmation might have changed things, and is criticized. By people who simply don't want to face what might be reality.

Listen: someone wants more money. Does that excuse, justify their robbing a bank and murdering someone in the process? Of course not, and nobody would suggest that.

But wanting more money IS the motivation.

Bezos isn't robbing banks; he has all the money he wants. But he cheated, because there was something else he didn't have enough of. Does that excuse his cheating? Of course not. But it was the motivation.

All of the betrayed who insist that denying sex, letting themselves go, nagging about chores, treating someone like a cumbucket or a walking wallet, etc. doesn't justify cheating are certainly correct.

But you ignore those motivations at your peril. Human beings are weak. If you treasure something, you better take very good care of it.

How much time and effort do we put into our jobs, training, sucking up to the boss, etc. Aren't our marriages worth more? Why do we take our spouse for granted when we don't take our boss for granted?

If your spouse is Plan B, expect trouble. Whine about it not justifying cheating all you want.

[This message edited by NeverHealed at 9:51 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

onthefence123 posted 5/9/2019 22:00 PM

I wasnít treasured. I didnít cheat.

NeverHealed posted 5/9/2019 22:15 PM

I wasnít treasured. I didnít cheat.

Me, neither. What's your point?

[This message edited by NeverHealed at 10:25 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

stolenyears posted 5/9/2019 22:32 PM

If you treasure something, you better take very good care of it.

So in other words, if I had just treasured my wife more, she wouldn't have cheated multiple times. Got it.

Can't believe I missed that. All these years while I was cherishing my broken wife and she was cheating, I should have just treasured her instead and I wouldn't be here.

/s

I like the chaps better...

onthefence123 posted 5/9/2019 22:35 PM

He was not happy. I tried over and over to make him happy. He failed me in so many ways, but I refused to give up. I kept trying to have a good marriage. Everything I did was useless, he really was selfish. His affair exposed who he really was. It was nothing about what I did or didnít do. He was not a good person who made a bad choice. If anyone had the motivation to cheat, it was me. But I did not cheat. I was not broken. I was not selfish. I have integrity. I have a moral compass. No blame here. I didnít motivate him to do anything.

hikingout posted 5/9/2019 22:54 PM

Neverhealed

While I donít agree that the marriage or the bs causes the cheating I will agree with your post to a certain extent. I do believe at some point the bs does need to find a way to heal for the marriage to heal. They didnít cause the wreckage but it very much takes two people to put it back on the road. The attitude and imbalance in the marriage still stands to be repaired. But I cheated because I was unhappy and did not take responsibility to fix that. I chose to run away instead.

newlife03 posted 5/9/2019 23:10 PM

I now believe that I was the "safe" choice when we first married 30-something years ago. xWH had a "bad boy" reputation, had fathered a child when he was 17 (whom I found out about 5 years AFTER the divorce!) and I was the "good girl" who didn't party. I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs, I didn't go out. I was the good girl, and I believe he chose me to be safe. He had dated other "loose" girls, and I was safe.

After the two affairs, I was still safe. He wouldn't divorce me. The marriage, the family unit...it was all safe for him.

Sorry I didn't answer your question exactly, but I saw another side to it that I wanted to share.

Loukas posted 5/9/2019 23:25 PM

No knife sharpening here. What I will do is share a personal story though, something we donít have enough of in these gender generalized threads.

My ex and I struggled for years through infertility. 7 years to be exact. Itís one of those experiences you just canít fully understand unless youíve lived it. Iím not even sure how to describe the soul crushing powerlessness Iíd feel month after month, as my then wife would cry her heart out when she discovered yet another month, another missed opportunity to become the mother she always wanted to be. As months turned into years, her tears faded, her resentment began to build.

Those around us were building their families. Every month there was news of friends expecting or babies born. With every new life brought in around us, another cut to my exís heart. We had explored and taken every avenue we could find, hoping that someone had the fix for our struggles, nothing worked. Which only fueled my exís feelings of inadequacies as a woman (not my words, hers). She began isolating herself from her friends. Their well intentioned, misinformed, inconsiderate comments were too much for her to take. Before long, she couldnít even look at me without disgust.

Make no mistake, I treasured my ex. Thought the world of her, did all I honestly and sincerely knew to do in the situation we were in. I was supportive, I was also foolishly selfless. I gave as much as I could. I hoped and prayed that someone, anyone would find the miracle we needed or tell my ex a definitive ďyou canít get pregnantĒ. So that she could finally get the closure she needed so much. That day never came.

Times were tough for us. We couldnít speak much in that sixth year of infertility. She harboured so much resentment towards me and I was so emotionally drained that I felt I was just a ghost watching my life fall apart. Powerless, hopeless, defeated.

With time, I begin to see a little more life in her. She nowhere near the woman I knew or married. But she isnít as resentful either. She starts taking a better care of herself. Interested in hanging out with friends again. Iím not sure what has changed, but Iím very supportive and encouraging. Iíve lost a lot of sleep over many years hoping for this. Until one day, something doesnít feel right. Signs are beginning to appear, but my denial is strong. It took my mind six months to convince my heart what my gut knew long ago. On Fatherís Day, of all days, I came across a text I couldnít ignore. All the pain I had felt over the last seven years smacked me all at once and completely turned my world upside down.

We were gathered with family that day. I found the message in the morning. I couldnít make a scene, but I couldnít look at her either. When we finally left after supper, I confronted her. And as we all know to well, she partially admitted the truth. I was too naive to expect too much more, but not foolish enough to believe I knew it all. To be honest, I didnít care, I just wanted my, our life back. Without any guidance, we agreed to work through infidelity on top of infertility.

The next two years of my life are some of the hardest experiences I could ever describe. Countless ddays. So many lies, deceptions and truths slowly trickled out, cutting deeper and deeper each and every time.

Make no mistake, I treasured her. Even in betrayal I tried. Until one day, she left.

Iím no doormat, but Iím not a quitter either. I didnít get married to give up, but once she left, there was nothing more I could do. A part of me felt relieved. Most of me was destroyed. How was this my life?

Shortly after she left, rumours began to circulate. We both come from very small towns. 400 in mine, 600 in herís. Everybody know everybody kinda place. Slowly I start hearing things. What an asshole is was/am. How abusive and controlling I was/am. How I didnít respect her or cherish her.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. After all we had been through, after all I had been through, folks were understanding of her cheating because I was an asshole. That she must of done what she did for a reason. The next 6 months would become harder than anything else until that point. I wasnít willing to play the rumour game. I had no desire to destroy her reputation. Sure some here might not agree with that, but I donít operate that way. This was a woman I vowed my life to. I would have taken a bullet for. Iím just not built in a way that can flip that off overnight.

I never believed the rumours. I knew better. I was actually there. I lived it. But when enough people start telling you otherwise, you begin to question yourself. At least I did.

When SI found me, I was at a point of no return. I didnít know what to believe anymore. I questioned myself all the time. I just wanted it all to stop. Until I began reading some stories in JFO. Horrible and tragic stories of suffering brought on by those trusted most. In all that pain, one constant message screamed out to me - itís not your fault.

Fucking right itís not my fault. Itís not some want or need to believe that. Itís lived experience that told me I honestly tried everything I could. Fucking everything. The saddest truth Iíve ever had to make peace with is the fact that there is little I can control and none of that control is another person.

If you want to believe thereís something you could have done differently, NeverHealed, then you are entitled to believe so. I would never put that yoke on someone else though. Itís burden is more than anyone deserves and ultimately, completely unfair to place the choices of someone on another.

Dragonfly123 posted 5/9/2019 23:42 PM

Never healed, I appreciate your wise advice. Please tell me how I could have been more for my WH? I went through four painful heartbreaking attempts at IVF to produce our children for him, I was the primary earner and provided him with a beautiful home, I was tired from young children but we had a regular and happy sex life. I cooked for him, maintained the house alongside him (he worked part time). Iíd smile at the thought of him. My heart would pick up when I got a text from him. I devoted my time and life to my family. I treasured him but he cheated.

Is it the fact Iím an uggo/plain (I get told Iím not but clearly theyíre lying to me)? Was it my baby weight (I had a few pounds)? Was it the fact I asked him to help around the house (I thought that was ok as he worked part time)? Was it the reduction in BJs?

My husband TELLS me that it was linked to a dip in his depression (since diagnosed), due to a loss, he talks about being selfish, he describes a feeling of addiction, he says it was NOTHING I did. That I couldnít have been a better wife. But you never healed have made me realise I could have been better. What MORE could I have done?

Please advise!

Iíve said it before and Iíll say it again, cheating is about a void in the cheater nothing to do with the spouse. Itís not just this site that says that, psychologists/psychiatrists/even neuro science says that too. The problem with putting the blame at the door of the spouse for not Ďtreasuringí their wayward enough is IMHO it prevents the CS from truly doing the work because they have a convenient get out clause and their BS is offering that to them on a plate. My personal believe is that if you hold true to the brokenness in your CS youíre more likely to hold them accountable to fully healing themselves and becoming a safe partner. Thatís why I have zero time for plan a/plan b.

ETA I realise that there are those that think that this is just the stupidity of those in R but flip it on its head. Is the idea that you could have Ďtreasuredí them more any less about trying to control whether or not you can R? ĎIf only Iíd done XYZ they wouldnít have cheated? Iíll do that next time and they wonít do it again?í

Ultimately both trains of thoughts or somewhere in the middle, are about our need as BS to feel that thereís something we can do to control the outcome. To not get hurt like that again. To not experience pain like that again. Until we learn we can only truly control ourselves and our happiness weíll be stuck.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 1:15 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 5/10/2019 00:27 AM

Loukas, a brief t/j to say I'm so sorry that you went through that struggle with infertility. My BH and I have been there. I know what it's like to have it dominate your daily life and shroud your future in uncertainty. We lost twins to complications of prematurity and had three ectopic pregnancies, including one by IVF. I was pregnant 5 times before I finally delivered our first surviving child.

You are right that there is nothing you did or could have done that justified the A. Both BH and I dealt with that stress, and neither of us cheated (my A was before our marriage and predated the death of our sons by a decade). I can't imagine having to endure infidelity and infertility simultaneously. And to find out on Father's Day... I have no words for that.

((Loukas))

BraveSirRobin posted 5/10/2019 00:41 AM

Neverhealed, I will say that both BH and I have privately discussed things that we did in our relationship that we feel contributed to each other's As (we are madhatters). They're pretty specific to our own circumstances and would not be relevant to most marriages, so I've decided not to share them here. Generally, I support the mantra of "nothing about the A is the fault of the BS" because it cuts though a lot of crap excuses and forces the WS to start the real work. However, I feel like a hypocrite leaving you out here without acknowledging that we have had those conversations and found some value in them.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:41 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

Edie posted 5/10/2019 01:30 AM

T/j

Loukas, Iím really sorry. 🙁

End t/j

Dragonfly123 posted 5/10/2019 01:37 AM

Loukas I know your path well, I know the pain and heartbreak. Iím so sorry. (((Loukas)))

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