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 turnthepage (original poster member #70471) posted at 7:06 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Hello all, I have been reading a while. My wife cheated on me about two years ago. She said she was posting in a site and I figured out pretty quick where she was posting. Lately it feels like spying so I told her that I read what she wrote. We decided that I should sign up so it will feel less like spying.

posts: 54   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2019
id 8372755
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 7:34 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Welcome turnthepage. How long ago was D-day for you? Are you and your wife trying to R (reconcile).

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2169   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8372772
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:42 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

I’m sorry you had to join our infidelity club.

Anything we can do to help you?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14760   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8372778
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 turnthepage (original poster member #70471) posted at 7:59 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

I found out labor day weekend a couple years ago. Yes, reconciled. Thanks for the welcome. I don't know if I need help. I have read here a lot and I feel mixed about this site, but we'll see.

posts: 54   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2019
id 8372793
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 8:05 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Welcome to the club. Incidentally, I also found out *on* Labor Day, last year.

Given your mixed feelings about the site, I'd caution not to let the discourse reopen old wounds that you've healed. You've got a couple years of progress under your belt, but a lot of people here are steeped in the worst of it. Maybe you're so far along that that's not a risk, but I know in my first few months, my healing stalled every now and then when I'd immerse myself in the discussion.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1069   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8372795
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:13 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Welcome!

Who is your wife?

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6822   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8372806
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 8:16 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Welcome. Love the Bob Seger reference if that was the intent.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5152   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8372809
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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 8:17 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Who is your wife?

Lol, don't answer that!

Welcome! Best club nobody wants to join. If you've been reading for a while and are a couple years out I can kinda guess where you are in your healing but it would be better for you to tell us yourself and what you're looking for here.

[This message edited by Notthevictem at 2:19 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer

posts: 13534   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Washington State
id 8372811
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 8:18 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

I have mixed feelings about the place and I've nearly been here three years.

There are a lot of triggers and a lot of threads with people in pain, or dealing with anger. It's a fairly relentless wave of those unpleasant emotions.

But it has helped a bunch as the site if full of kindred spirits who understand what is I went through. Infidelity is a unique emotional trauma.

Anyway, welcome to the club no one wants to be a member in.

I think the unofficial motto is, 'take what you need and leave the rest.' Plenty to skip over if you're in a better spot in your recovery.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 2:19 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4885   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8372813
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 turnthepage (original poster member #70471) posted at 8:19 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Yes, Seger. Exactly! My wife is hikingout.

posts: 54   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2019
id 8372814
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 8:45 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Love the Bob Seger reference if that was the intent.

Me too.... Welcome.

Care to share more on your mixed feelings about our wonderful safe space?

I've been her for a long time, and seen a lot of people get through this shitstorm and become a better stronger person on the other side, and the support they got here was part of that .

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20380   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8372844
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 turnthepage (original poster member #70471) posted at 9:07 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

It's not meant to insult. It could keep things fresh. There is a lot of hard line thinking here. I am a more grey guy. She follows the formulas and theories, but there are more ways to look at a situation. I also have a hard time picturing myself getting advice here, wouldn't even know what to ask. I will give it some time and hang out.

posts: 54   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2019
id 8372855
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:12 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Thank you for answering. Your wife truly "gets it." So it's not surprising that you don't think this site can offer you much. But stick around. We might surprise you.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6822   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8372858
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Adlham ( member #53358) posted at 9:22 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Greetings and salutations, turnthepage!

Sometimes, it's just nice having a place to unload. I left my ex over 20 years ago. About 3 years ago, my ex-friend thought it would be great to confess that she was one of a string of many that he cheated on me with.

I have been happily married to my husband for 16 years, don't care about the ex at all, but needed a place to sort out my thoughts and feelings about what the ex-friend had dumped in my lap. It didn't feel fair to talk to my husband about it. At least not in great detail.

Not to mention, there have been a few bumps along the way, from the ex's family, my daughter turning 18 was a HUGE trigger and relief, and I really needed to unload on people who could relate.

I rarely have questions, but I do have times where I need to unload and connect with others who get it.

Maybe you can view this site in a similar way.

And one of the great mantras here is to take what you need and leave the rest.

There is NO need to have that “one last conversation” with a toxic individual in your life.” The closure will come when you look deeper inside yourself. It’s not your job to fix someone when they are unwilling to fix themselves.

posts: 1821   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2016   ·   location: Pacific Northwest!
id 8372864
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 9:31 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Welcome, brother!

I'm a big fan of your wife! You have one of the very few WWs that truly "gets it".

posts: 2855   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8372872
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 9:39 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Maybe try the "Betrayed Men" thread on the "I Can Relate" forum. It's pretty mellow over there.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4183   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8372880
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BetrayedPR77 ( member #69207) posted at 10:09 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Welcome!

In addition to your WW (who has been an excellent guide and source of understanding the minds of people involved in this emotional rollercoaster after DDay), you will find a great support network here, and help with those mixed feelings.

And I'm a newbie here (7 months since DDay), but this site has been a Godsend. It has helped/keeps helping understand what I've been going thru, my feelings, my WW feelings, and calm my mind and take control of my life.

Healing Library on the side, Fun and Games section the bottom, I Can Relate an excellent section... This is all for you. For us. For our peace of mind.

Me- BH (b. 1977)
She - WW (b. 1981)
Together since 2001, married in 2005
LTA - 7 years - Double Betrayal
DDay - 10/03/2018
DDay 2 - 01/05/2019 (learn the true length of the A)

"Not my circus, not my monkeys"

Status: Next stop: Divo

posts: 72   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: 🇵🇷
id 8372899
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Absolution ( member #60623) posted at 10:46 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

And what have you discovered from your “spying”?

By the way, I’ve encouraged your wife to write a book. You need to find her an editor, a literary agent and an unlimited supply of ballpoint pens....

posts: 55   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2017
id 8372911
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 11:14 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

1) Welcome. Thanks for introducing yourself.

2) Having mixed feelings about SI makes sense on a whole lot of levels.

3) Personally, I welcome triggers, as obnoxious as the are. I believe they're pain coming to the surface to be released. But that's JMO. In any case, the triggers aren't a source of my mixed feelings. I'd say what IS the source, but they're feelings, not fully amenable to thoughts and words.

4) There are lots of ways to use SI. I don't know what you will get from us, but I expect you can contribute, if you are willing to do that.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31118   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8372924
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 11:15 PM on Friday, May 3rd, 2019

Let me add my welcome. I hope you find advice and thoughts that are useful to you. Leave the rest! Let me also echo GoldenR, in that I am also a big fan of your W and the wisdom she imparts and shares.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3991   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8372925
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