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I am in so much pain

carriemcsky posted 5/1/2019 17:33 PM

5 years ago today, my H decided to follow a woman home from work. They had been flirting, meeting up for "talks", setting up the scene for this. He didn't have second thoughts, he didn't feel shame, he just followed her with no regard to what he was doing.

He walked into this without even considering what he was doing. I was at home, making dinner for my children, talking to them about their day. No idea whatsoever that "working late" meant fucking another woman for the first time. I made us a late dinner.

I remember a day back then, and I have to assume it was THAT day, when he came home from "working late" and he literally looked like death. I worried that he wasn't feeling well, but he said that it was a hard day at work. He didn't eat dinner. Unusual for him. I had made dinner as usual, and he said it was such a bad day that he wasn't hungry, he was tired.

Stupid, naive me. He had a stressful job, he provided well for this family. I didn't wonder, I didn't question.

Why the fuck does this hurt so much? I've had almost 4 years of knowing that this happened, what he did. I remember last year at this time, it wasn't nearly as consuming as this.

You know why?

Because yesterday, I brought it up. I told him when he turned the calendar to May, that I hated May 1st. And he looked at me and said, "Why?"

And I told him. And you know what he did today?

Nothing. Acted like everything was fine. Didn't acknowledge my pain. Didn't understand or even empathize with what I was feeling. And our uneaten dinner sits on the counter. The same way it did 5 years ago.

He is mowing the lawn. This is his way of coping. This is way of atoning. To not validate me, to not want to talk (because I just want to be argumentative, according to him), to not be WITH me when the pain is unbearable.

I have no one IRL. I do have a counselor that I intend to call tomorrow.

God, this hurts so much.

whoami62 posted 5/1/2019 17:46 PM

Sounds to me like you never really worked out the pain with his infidelity and he hasn't owned it...

Did he ever seek counseling to find out why he gave himself permission to cheat on you ?

I understand how much it hurts..I still stumble upon tidbits from WH's LTA and they hurt , despite the amoungto of time that has passed.

Oddly, the day after my Dday , his AP reached out to him, basically to bitch about the nasty email that I sent her and you now what her response was ?

" But that happened so long ago " Uh, no it started long ago and ended just over a year prior...and only because I found out. The garage door was still open, so to speak.

I also understand how hard it is to have no one to talk to IRL. I am in the same boat .

I hope that you feel some comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone and that the people here on SI are with you .

Sending you a hug

carriemcsky posted 5/1/2019 19:03 PM

I do feel some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this. It's my only source of comfort and that's why I'm here.

I've known this truth for a long time. I usually only post in R forum. I guess I won't from now on.

This sucks so bad.

HellFire posted 5/1/2019 19:22 PM

I'm right there with you. I'm a few months shy of 10 years out. For some reason,its been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I wonder if we never really stop hurting over it. Maybe this damn emotional rollercoaster continues as long as we stay married? Some of the intensity wanes, but the pain becomes a part of you. I dont know. The last few years I've been good. The last few months,not so much.

Im sorry your husband abandons you when he knows you're hurting. Mine does too. I may get a brief acknowledgment,and an apology, but then he suddenly gets very busy doing a bunch of nothing. Sometimes it feels like I'm bleeding out,and he just walks away.

Can you do something nice for yourself tomorrow? Get your hair done? Go see a movie? Buy yourself flowers,and take yourself out to lunch? Spend the day with a good friend?

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. Unfortunately, all I can do is sympathize because I know exactly how you feel.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:22 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

Bestthing posted 5/1/2019 19:36 PM

Sending you strength. 5 years is really not a long time to overcome such a trauma. I imagine I would still feel a stab in the heart for my last 2 Ddays 15 years from now. WS donít know how we feel because they have not been here. 2 years ago, I wouldnít know. So I would cut him some slack by telling him how you feel and telling him exactly what you need. Make that your Me Day or your Hold Me Day or your Service Day. Plan for it. Otherwise, you will be disappointed. Your H was responding to you with service. He may also just be avoiding your pain. Why donít you ask him? I am so sorry we are all here.

newlife03 posted 5/1/2019 20:09 PM

I'm sorry you're hurting, and that your WH is not being supportive. He needs to be there for you until you are no longer hurting, and maybe some marital counseling would help.

I didn't stay married to xWH because he wouldn't give up the girlfriend lifestyle so I can't say I understand how it feels to forward with a marriage after something this traumatic. Hugs.

brkn_heartd posted 5/1/2019 20:51 PM

I am so sorry he is not there for you. The trigger days are bad enough...but failure to acknowledge your pain is cruel. Personally.....I would leave dinner where it is until HE cleans it up. IF it is there a week...let it be there a week. Sending a virtual hug of support.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 5/1/2019 21:23 PM

He is mowing the lawn. This is his way of coping. This is way of atoning. To not validate me, to not want to talk (because I just want to be argumentative, according to him), to not be WITH me when the pain is unbearable.

Mine washes the dishes. They don't get that doing a menial household chore is not remotely close to what they should be doing. Not in the same realm by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm so sorry Carrie, your pain and words are very relatable.

I personally think the reason triggering dates and DDay anniversaries aren't blips on a WS's radar is because a BS associates those dates with tremendous pain and heartbreak. That is not the case for the WS. Their entire mindset is different, they aren't in the head of their BS.

There's no time limit on the pain. Infidelity is a major life trauma to go through. You feel what you need when you need until you get through it and hopefully have a time of peace. Just tell yourself that each hurt, each time you feel letdown it's another building block to your strength. Feel it and learn from it and move on and do something fabulous for yourself.

((((Hugs))))

gmc94 posted 5/1/2019 22:00 PM

They don't get that doing a menial household chore is not remotely close to what they should be doing. Not in the same realm by any stretch of the imagination.
Mine too.

And I agree - they are clueless when it comes to the dates that trigger us - absolutely clueless.
And that - in and of itself - hurts big time. That they can't even be present for the pain on those dates.

Hugs.

timespent posted 5/1/2019 22:02 PM

I'm so sorry you've been put in this intolerable situation by the person who is supposed to have your back no matter what. Our stories seem very similar including age and second dday. Mine happened to be the next year though. I wish I had some good advice but feel I'm also just holding my head up in the water most days.


I would suggest not feeling bad about expressing whatever you have to towards your spouse until he gets it. If he doesn't get it or at least acknowledge your pain that speaks volumes too. It definitely sucks!

Justgetitoverwith posted 5/2/2019 04:17 AM

I'm sorry he's not gotten more understanding 5 years down the line - you'd think he'd get it by now! I imagine mine will be much the same. It's the first anniversary of dday today (well, started a year ago last night, with APS admission and he finally confessed the following day), and he hasn't said a word. I was anticipating it being difficult, so mentioned a few months ago that it would be good to do something nice to counteract it.

He came in from work tonight and asked how my day had been. I said pretty shitty, and he asked if it was because of the argument we'd had by text. Oblivious. It's even written on the calendar.

I hope your counselor helps you work through the hurt. ((hugs))

carriemcsky posted 5/2/2019 04:33 AM

He did clean up the dishes after our non-dinner. Because that's what he does. Anything to avoid actually talking about us.

If you were to ask him, he'd say we've talked about nothing but his A for the last 4 years. But the truth is that I'm the one who talks about it. He still feels so much shame about the man he became back then. I've asked him to see someone to talk about this shame, but he hasn't.

I'm feeling a bit better today. It used to end with my sadness coming through in anger. Not so much now. I'm just letting the sadness sit in me for now. I'm trying to just feel it and I guess it's an old friend now.

I really thought I would be past that excruciating pain by now. I have healed myself so much since 4 years ago. I now have much better coping mechanisms, healthier emotional habits, and I put myself first (okay-most of the time).

A lot of days I feel peace. I handle most triggers like a boss. Some days I can even say I am happy. But then a day like yesterday comes....

Thank you all so much for being here for me. Nobody IRL wants to talk about infidelity. I guess they think it may be contagious.

sewardak posted 5/2/2019 05:34 AM

carrie - you can have requirements as part of reconciliation. you can tell him he must stay with you and comfort you during triggers and see an IC as well. If he doesn't, you'll re evaluate staying married to him. These can be non negotiable. HAve you thought of that?
his shame is actually very selfish. HAs he even considered that?

nekonamida posted 5/2/2019 10:34 AM

Sewardak is spot on.

Carrie, if he doesn't acknowledge it, won't get IC, and won't let you talk about it, this is rugsweeping. Not R. R takes 2 and so far only you have been doing the work alone. A BS can and should heal themselves but that is IMPOSSIBLE if a WS doesn't also do the work of R. You need to talk, process, and get reassurance that he will never ever do this again but he won't give any of that to you so that's why after 4 years it still hurts. And unfortunately it will keep hurting until he either steps up or you move on without him.

sisoon posted 5/2/2019 11:10 AM

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I think sitting with your sadness when you feel it is an important part of healing.

I agree that setting requirements for R may help.

carriemcsky posted 5/3/2019 04:33 AM

I didn't get back to this thread yesterday because H took the day off. He said he thought we needed to spend the day together because of what happened.

While that is all well and good (he's taken a lot of time off the last 2 years), the bottom line is that he still employs the same conflict-avoiding behaviors that he's commonly used when faced with my pain. Not always, but too much of the time.

He did bring it up yesterday, but I feel that the next time something like this happens, it will be the same story.

Sadness is still with me today, but I'm managing it.Baby steps for me.

Tallgirl posted 5/3/2019 05:14 AM

Hi Carrie, The trauma of infidelity is to our very essence. Echoes of trauma pain last - our definition of who we saw ourself as, our foundation, was forced into a rewrite. And, boy it hurts.

My WH copes by avoiding and getting busy as well.

It sounds like your H cares but he defaults to his own coping patterns (avoiding) and what he knows. can you tell him next time i trigger, I need you to do these things to support me. Write them down. Make it super easy for him.

Lots of hugs.

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