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Detachment while living together?

maise posted 4/30/2019 19:16 PM

Have any of you experienced full detachment while living with your WS in an in-house separation (limbo) ordeal?

I ask because I wonder if this feat has ever been a possible result.

Justsomeguy posted 4/30/2019 20:26 PM

My STBXWW and I are nesting during our separation. Essentially, the kids stay at home and we vacate, switching week on and week off. I go to my sister's place during my week off and my skanky ex goes to I don't give a shitsville. So yes, very detached. It's stressful going home but I'm doing Renos. Can't wait to finish this and get divorced.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/1/2019 08:52 AM

I feel like we are getting closer everyday. Why? Because I think I am now beyond hoping that any of this ever works out. I think I see him for who he is, and I think that he would rather be separated anyway. I actually don't want to talk to him...I'm talked out and it's been for nothing. He's an angry person in therapy so I feel like it's less dangerous than interacting with him (dangerous emotionally) for me.

cancuncrushed posted 5/1/2019 09:01 AM

We lived in limbo for years....I originally wanted to R...but WH had zero remorse, and zero effort...

detachment was a save me....and to wait until the last child graduated...he was close..

No good came from it....WH took advantage....he preferred it...It meant he could continue his behavior, with no bitching...and he sank into was the crossing point for him... he eventually had brain issues.

The resentment grew..anger grew..I did it for a reason....and I don't regret it...

Now my son is an engineer...Im very proud of him...not sure he would have gone to college at all if I had left. I knew this...I refused for STXWH issues, affect my sons entire life.

Im not sure what choices I would have had to make...if my son wasn't so close to empty nesting...this was timing. OUr marriage had been suffering for awhile...never at this level..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:10 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

numb&dumb posted 5/1/2019 09:02 AM

Maise there was a period of complete detachment for me. My W never really got there, but yeah I felt very indifferent to my W at one point.

It was useful in that It allowed me to focus on myself and do some internal work. However once you turn one emotion off the rest usually follow. I had no idea how big of a part of my life emotions did enhance it.

Sure I was not sad or did not hurt, but I didn't laugh anymore. I found nothing to be pleasureable. It was hell and I don't recommend it for a long term strategy.

IC helped me see that it was hurting me too. Not in a searing pain way, but it was robbing me of enjoying my life in areas outside of my M. The meds helped that numb state too.

We lived together, but I mad every opportunity to travel for work and/or find an excuse to not be home when I knew my W would be. When home I focused on the kids. When we went to bed I read on my phone or played video games or just stayed in the living room to watch TV. Once the kids were down we went our separate ways. Anytime she tried to engage me I started an argument to push her away.

It is possible, but I don't recommend it. Eventually I got tired of feeling nothing and little by little was confident enough to let my guard down again. Looking back it was exhausting and on lots of days I did not want to go home. If I had to do it again I would separate physically, but I am not really sure that our M would have survived if we did.

sisoon posted 5/1/2019 11:59 AM

I would think in-house separation has the same problem that continuing to work with an ap does - it's hard to separate when you still see each other.

But that's just speculation. I think you might get answers from experience if you post your query in the D/S forum.

Phoenix1 posted 5/1/2019 12:41 PM

Yes, it is possible. My first Dday was four years before I finally threw in the towel and kicked Xhole out. I was one of those staying for the kids at that point and just biding my time. I knew we would D and, because of that thought, I started to emotionally detach even while we were still living together. I did not know about SI during that time and discovered later (after find SI) that what I was doing was just that - emotionally detaching. Now, Xhole didn't know we were heading for D and thought we had rugswept the whole incident. I was civil but basically considered him a roommate in my mind. That meant we each just did our own thing. We weren't arguing or fighting at all so it was doable. He was working out of the area in the beginning, which made it easier (and I dreaded when he was coming home). In the last 1.5 years of the situation he was unemployed. That meant he was, theoretically, home a lot. I found other things to do. Stayed late at work a lot to kill time. Did things with the kids. However, he was disappearing a lot. I didn't question it as it was preferable to me. Discovered later it was so he could meet up with last OW (which led to me kicking him out for good).

By the time I did kick him out, I was in a rage at the last A humiliation, but discovered (as the rage dissipated) that I was totally emotionally detached.

So yes, it is possible.

maise posted 5/3/2019 10:38 AM

Thank you all so much for your replies.

One last question, I notice when Iím emotionally breaking down or in a rage - WS (who lives with me) will make it about her and either escape to her AP, or threaten to kill herself (once actually landing in the ER)

As far as what she says she hasnít seen AP since June 10, 2018, but did go to her home once to try to see her - and has relapsed in calling her various times. The suicidal thoughts I feel she does the most.

Now I know that this essentially means something I think I always knew deep down. That no matter how much hurt she has caused me, she canít handle my wrath or my breakdowns. She will turn it into her own victimization - her own need to escape my pain and fury.

Im coming to the conclusion that I have been making the mistake of even going to her with any of this in the first place. Ultimately I always have to save myself in those moments and when I go to her all she does is make it a situation where she tries to get me to save her too. I no longer want to engage in a battle of throwing hurt back at her. And I also no longer believe I should express any of my hurt or anger to her.

Is this part of detachment too? Sometimes when I type things up I feel like I may be answering my own questions. long as sheís here living with me - I know she canít emotionally be there when I break down, and since I can only control myself, what Iíll have to do is lean on me and not worry about sharing it with her or her in general. Am I getting this right? Sorry, Iím all over the place. Currently working through analyzing my feelings which doesnt come out properly at times in writing.

[This message edited by maise at 10:39 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

crazyblindsided posted 5/3/2019 11:58 AM

Im coming to the conclusion that I have been making the mistake of even going to her with any of this in the first place.

This is when I truly started to detach because the pain my WS caused me by not recognizing my pain caused even more trauma to me. I had to save myself no one else could. It was like hitting rock bottom for me and there was only one way out and that was up and the only way for me to go up was to let go of the rope.

maise posted 5/3/2019 12:53 PM

Yes, let go of the rope and make the climb yourself right? I think Iím there now. Deep down I know itíll bring me more peace than what Iíve been doing. (Relying on my wayward to pull me up and help on the other side of the rope)

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