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Someone help me understand

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mindfullness55 posted 3/28/2019 20:55 PM

Please help me, anyoneóI cannot stop the swirling in my head long enough to come to an understanding of any of this.

When I first approached her with what my gut was telling me, it was clear by her outbursts (her very first reactions, when I told her that I KNEW and didnít just THINK I knew that she is having an affair) that she knew I knew.

Her words seemed to be as if she was speaking to herself, she blurted out behind a tearful cry:
ďI knew I would end up alone !!Ē

More, many more things were said by her like this. That was the very first night when I approached her with what I knew.

5 months have now passed.

I still have no proof but feel I donít need any. My gut is enough for me.

Why would she continue lying and denying ?

This is where I need help. Itís been 5 months of it. Itís worse now than the beginning. Maybe in a different way, the shock seems less now but something else took its place. I canít seem to explain it. I just donít seem to be able to understand why she wonít come clean and talk to me about it. I cry every fucking day. If I donít I think Iíll find the pos and cut pieces off him. Iím really barely holding it together.
Someone please help me understandówhy wonít she help me end the torture and tell me what, why, when, where ??? I canít go on like this much longer. Thanks to anyone who might know why.

OwningItNow posted 3/28/2019 21:02 PM

why wonít she help me end the torture and tell me what, why, when, where ???

There is only one answer for this, and you know what it is. She obviously prefers it this way.

She. Prefers. Your. Torture.

I do not mean to be harsh, and I'm sorry. But I think we resist seeing people as they really are, especially if we tend toward codependency (which most of us here on SI do). She obviously does not care about your pain and yet you still love her. Maybe work on detaching? It is very unhealthy to value people who treat us badly.

Notthevictem posted 3/28/2019 21:02 PM

Breathe man. I've been there. This will pass. Think of all the things you have ongoing in your life that YOU like. What's your favorite show? What's your favorite food?

As far as the circular thoughts, what really helped me with those was a journal. I'd get all manic for a couple hours and write it out. Then, when those thoughts came back, it'd hit me... 'I already wrote all this shit out, why am I going to do it again?' and it'd pass. Most of the time anyway. Maybe it will or won't for you... Still, when you're carrying 400 lbs, taking any of helps.

layla1234 posted 3/28/2019 21:12 PM

She's nowhere near ready for R. You can't move past this if she is still denying. Do the 180 and detach. Good luck.

CaptainRogers posted 3/28/2019 21:43 PM

...why wonít she help me end the torture and tell me what, why, when, where ?

Because in her mind, it is better for her to not let you in on the secrets. Because in her mind, she doesn't have to deal with your pain if she doesn't let you know the truth. Because in her mind, controlling the narrative is the only thing she still has left. And if she can control the narrative, she can control the "damage".

What she doesn't understand is that withholding actually makes things worse. Believe me, I know. My wife withheld things from me for the better part of two years. It completely stalls (and reboots) the healing process.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this, mindful. It sucks. It really does. And it can be an absolutely crushing weight. I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this garbage.

The1stWife posted 3/29/2019 04:58 AM

...why wonít she help me end the torture and tell me what, why, when, where ?

There are so many reasons for this.

Shame and embarrassment

Fear you will D her which is not what she wants now

Enjoys being mean and manipulative

Severe personality flaws

I suggest you stop torturing yourself. You know she cheated. She knows she cheated.

The point is where do you go from here?

How do you heal yourself? It is clear your wife is not going to help you by giving you the answers you need. She doesnít appear to be want to be supportive.

So now you are forced to undertake the healing process alone unfortunately.

I would like to see you get out from living under the infidelity cloud. Maybe professional counseling is a good place to start. Someone who will support you on this emotional roller coaster.

I understand your position. My H hadca 4 year EA in the 90s (before the term EA existed). He refused to admit the ďfriendshipĒ crossed the line. He refused to admit it existed. He refused to discuss it. He gaslit me. Refused to speak. Tried to convince me I was way off base and completely the jealous wife.

Then the OW from his second Affair told me he admitted it to her that the EA existed. 15 years later I finally had proof he knew it was wrong. That has caused more damage to our marriage than you know.

I hope this post helps you. Let YOUR healing begin!!

Brennan87 posted 3/29/2019 08:51 AM


If you are strong and healthly, trust your gut and take the actions you need to ensure self care. I was just as broken as the WW and my gut told me she was cheating but I didn't act on it as I was afraid if I was wrong, my marriage would be over. On the flip side, she trusted her gut as well and believed I was cheating (which was what triggered her down the slippery slope), she was more broken and her gut was wrong. So now here we sit 2+ years later with a destroyed marriage all because she believed her own lies that I was unfaithful and nothing was further from the truth. So evaluate your own health and the situation completely before you act.

As others have pointed out there are a 1000 reasons, early on, I took couldn't understand how someone could destroy me who professed to love me still couldn't give me the info I wanted.

Let it go. It will drive you crazy trying to understand the irrational behavior of a WW. We aren't programmed like they are (or have the same degree of brokenness). For your own sanity, put your boundaries in place that you can live with. If you need her help, establish those boundaries. I had to do this myself and give her a date that if she couldn't/wouldn't answer all my questions by x day. We were divorcing. Someone who claimed i was her everything and she F'd up and would do EVERYTHING to make it up to me, couldn't give me the answers I sought. It tore me apart for months and months and months. I had to get to a "not my circus, not my monkey" thought process. I would heal with or without her and move on. I wasn't sitting by the side lines any longer waiting for something that might not come. My WW would get so frustrated that I would not initiate the "talks" any longer or said little when we did talk.
Even though she felt I was being malicious in making her relive her affair day in and day out. (This always cracked me up, you cheated, you are making yourself relive it, not me) Guess what? She hit the date and got the questions finished. It was hell for both of us for different reasons. But I was able to move forward at that point.
Some of my WWs specific reasons:
1) If she could share her feelings and emotions to begin with, the affair never would have happened. Thus, me expecting her out of the gate to "share" and "admit" was unrealistic.
2) Guilt and shame once they "wake up" is powerful. Can YOU imagine, destroying multiple lives including the one person who loved you the most and then having to face it? That's a hard pill to swallow. Yes, they did it too themselves, but now they have to look at them selves for the first time in their lives.
3) Resentment, part of my WWs affair was revenge. She thought I had my own. So again facing herself and admitting that she was so hurt by my fictionalized affair was difficult to state "I said/did x out of revenge, resentment and anger".

I could go on and on, but 99% of the WS's upon DDay do not have the emotional maturity and coping skills needed to give us what we want and need during that time. it's unfair for sure. But it is what it is.
Don't beat yourself up over her short comings. Focus on your self care, that you can CONTROL. You didn't deserve this, but you are responsible for getting yourself out of it. Set your own boundaries, ensure you care for yourself and in no time, this will be a non issue for you.

Darkness Falls posted 3/29/2019 09:05 AM

Iím a WS, fyi.

Iíve been following your story. Iím sorry for your situation. Itís obvious that youíre suffering greatly.

It appears to me that your suspected WS isnít willing to admit to anything. Per your posts, itís been several months and she gets more and more aggressive as time passes in response to your questions.

It might be time to accept that youíre not going to get the information and/or closure you seek. If so, what will your next step be?

mindfullness55 posted 5/20/2019 05:43 AM

Darkness Falls;
Thank you.
My next move isnít certain, I donít seem to have the courage to do a 180. Iím sure it (the 180) works but I seem to be too weak to use it. I donít think Iím strong enough to even approach a 180 without wrecking it after the first 24 hours.
I donít know why I stay in this relationship. I keep telling myself Iím too weak and too this and too much a wuss.

AbandonedGuy posted 5/20/2019 06:07 AM

She's a coward and avoiding repercussions for her actions. This pain will continue for as long as you let it. Dig deep and find the last shred of self respect you've got and seize it. Ask yourself the tough questions. Do you deserve to feel this way every day? Are you such a bad person that you should punish yourself so devastatingly? Is she such a great partner that this is worth it? Is her cheating and lies and disrespect too much and the marriage is dead?

The truth itself won't save your marriage. Only her willingness to atone will--and how can she make things right if she can't even admit that she did anything wrong?

Hephaestus2 posted 5/20/2019 07:53 AM

Lots of people have been where you are, wondering how it was possible for a person to be such a wuss, wondering why people stay in such tortured relationships. One of the most wretched parts of being on the wrong end of an affair is the feeling of being about an inch high, clingy, needy, desparate, obsessive, useless, off balance, anxious, ineffectual, confused, depressed. Reliving excruciating details over and over ad infinitum.

It looks a lot like trauma to me - the amount of time needed to recover from that kind of trauma is not predictable.

You wonder why your wife continues to deny and lie and stonewall? You might also wonder why she deflects and minimizes, why she tries to shift the blame on to someone else (including you and including her boyfriend). Why is she so antagonistic, defiant, aggressive, combative, belligerent?

This is simply how people react when they get caught doing something very wrong. They do everything but acknowledge what they have done. It may appear to be a strategic and sophisticated plan to mislead you. Your wife may appear to be an evil mastermind or a narcissist or a sex addict or any one of a thousand impressive sounding diagnoses. She probably isn't. She is probably just one of millions of unfortunate schmucks who fell for a little flattery and who liked the feeling of butterflies in her tummy.

Chaos posted 5/20/2019 08:32 AM

Because coming clean and confessing involves her to feel pain and suffering.

She'd rather YOU suffer than HER.

And she not only gets to avoid any pain and suffering she gets to either continue or remember fondly her double life.

The ultimate question is what are you going to do about it?

But before you answer that - you need to be in a good place with yourself. Please - take care of yourself.

Hephaestus2 posted 5/20/2019 09:11 AM

mindfullness55 wrote >>>>>I donít know why I stay in this relationship. I keep telling myself Iím too weak and too this and too much a wuss.<<<<<

This is a natural response to the agony of infidelity. With such an extreme shock, such an extreme blow, it is natural for your view of yourself to become mangled. It is a common result of the discovery of an affair.

At this point it is probably impossible to take your focus off your wife and what she is or isn't doing. However, at the same time it might be possible for you to do more to take care of yourself. That includes things like getting regular exercise, eating well, reducing your intake of alcohol or other drugs, taking care to get extra sleep.

It might also help to try to understand to what is happening to you psychologically.

intrusive memories - flashbacks, nightmares, uncontrollable thoughts about the event, triggers

negative changes in thinking and mood - severe anxiety, depression, negative thoughts about yourself and/or others, feeling of hopelessness, memory problems, feeling detached from friends and family, lack of interest in activities that you once enjoyed, feeling numb

changes in physical and emotional reactions - feeling easily startled, being on guard, self-destructive behavior (excessive drinking, driving too fast), insomnia, trouble concentrating, irritability (angry outbursts, aggressive behavior), intense feelings of guilt and shame

Your intense focus on your wife is also a natural response to the discovery of her infidelity. However, your view of her is likely to be distorted. You may now see her as a coward who is just covering her own ass and avoiding the consequences of her actions. You may now see her as exceptionally narcissistic or controlling. You may decide that she has some serious personality disorder or a substance use disorder. You may even think that she wants to torture you and is entertained by your pain and suffering. Any one of those things could be true but it is also very likely that you have been misconstruing many of the things that she says and does. (To make matters worse, she may also misconstrue what you say and do.) When you are in an intense conflict with someone, especially someone close, it is more important than ever to avoid escalating the conflict further, to try to get clear about what is happening, and to try to focus on the things over which you have the most influence. (Hint: those things do not include your wife's behavior).

sisoon posted 5/20/2019 11:02 AM

Brother, You've been going around in circles and circling the drain for months.

We can give you some help, but I think you would benefit greatly from face-to-face or at least voice-to-voice help.

Memorize this phone number: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Write it on the palms of your hands. Call whenever you start to think of ending your life and talk to the volunteer.

IMO, the only way you'll be able to stop the swirling in your head - the awful swirling that comes with being betrayed - is to talk with someone, and that someone probably should be a good IC. A real person can listen to what you say and respond while you're conversing.

That has been suggested a number of times, and IIRC I'm not the only one who suggested it.

Have you done any IC? If not, what's the delay? If so, tell us about your experience.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:04 AM, May 20th (Monday)]

Hephaestus2 posted 5/20/2019 19:03 PM

OwningItNow wrote >>But I think we resist seeing people as they really are, especially if we tend toward codependency (which most of us here on SI do). <<

That statement raises some important issues:

(1) If someone else claimed that only 20% of us here on SI are codependents then how could we decide who was right? What if someone else claimed that the true rate of codependency on SI was actually 100%?

(2) If most of us here on SI are codependent, then it would probably be helpful for us to know the names of the few who are not.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/20/2019 19:33 PM

If most of us here on SI are codependent, then it would probably be helpful for us to know the names of the few who are not.

I'm not. My fch is. I don't think I'd go so far as to say that most on here ar CoD. There are some who exhibit very clear CoD tendencies.

pearlamici posted 5/20/2019 19:36 PM

Her words seemed to be as if she was speaking to herself, she blurted out behind a tearful cry:
ďI knew I would end up alone !!Ē
She is alone - with her secrets - and now you are alone in despair because she is selfish and cares more about protecting her secrets than you and the marriage.

Hephaestus2 posted 5/21/2019 03:47 AM

cocoplus5nuts wrote >> I don't think I'd go so far as to say that most on here ar CoD<<

What is the true proportion? Less than half? But more than a quarter?

[This message edited by Hephaestus2 at 4:17 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 5/21/2019 04:34 AM

I am not co-dependent. At DDay2 I was ready to D him and in fact did tell him I was.

I can think of so many on here who are not co-dependent.

Please donít confuse ďpick meĒ and hopium as being co-dependent. Just because people try to work things out doesnít mean you are co-dependent. IMO

The1stWife posted 5/21/2019 04:43 AM

She may not admit to cheating because she is a coward.

If she was interested in reconciling and had stopped cheating this could even be more accurate because she may not have the confidence to believe she can be honest and the marriage will survive.

But since she is still lying and cheating and refuses to be honest / unfortunately you have very little to work with here. I lived through that exact situation for 4 years during my Hís first EA. Complete denial and stonewalling. Refused to discuss.

It finally ended. No admission on his part and 💯% rugswept. My thanks for that was his second Affair five years ago. My point is I learned a very valuable lesson. If someone disrespects you like that and get away with it and there are no consequences - they will continue that pattern of behavior because it works for them.

I found out many years later from the second AP that he knew the first EA was wrong but did it anyway. For four years.

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