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Lightning struck twice

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LightningCrashes posted 3/28/2019 20:19 PM

Where to begin? I was married for 20 years (together 24 years) to my high school sweetheart. I loved her immensely and still do. But I found out she met someone else and was cheating on me for at least 6 months before I discovered it.

When I confronted her, she said they were just friends. I offered to forgive her if she cut the guy off and we could get some help and recover. She rejected my offer and moved out the next day saying she needed time and space to think.

The following two months I did everything I could to make her happy. She even gave me a list of things she wanted me to do in order for us to reconcile while she continued seeing the man who was supposedly just a friend.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have been unfaithful to my wife twice during our 20 year marriage. I own that. Once was an emotional affair that lasted three weeks. I confessed to my wife. The other was a month-long workplace situation that resulted in oral sex. I confessed to my wife. Like I said I own those two situations in our marriage. I was forthcoming and honest about them. I am in no way trying to minimize them or the damage they caused. I can't even begin to understand the full extent my transgressions caused harm to my wife. I just wanted you to have the full story.

Needless to say I feel responsible for my wife escalating her cheating to the extent that she has. I know that nothing justifies adultery but I obviously caused her deep pain. She eventually told me that she was leaving me for the new guy and they were having sex and she was moving in with him. That is where things still stand to this day about a year and a half later even though we remain married.

So then I end up in a new relationship with a friend I have known for years. She tells me she thinks I am the one she has been waiting for and she wants us to be together. So rather than take time to myself to reflect and heal I end up in a new relationship. This woman was wonderful to me. She said and did all the right things. Of course we had our struggles but she eventually started saying she wanted to marry me.

The deal with her is she is 9 years older than me (I am 45 and she is 54), she has been married five times (I have only been married one time and technically I am still married), and she has five children (I don't have any kids). There are two ways to look at her being married five times. One is to run because she is the common denominator. The other is she has learned valuable lessons along the way and will appreciate our relationship even more.

Notwithstanding our struggles, things were going along ok for the most part until the last few months of our relationship. I always felt like her head was somewhere else and I just attributed it to missing her kids since she was spending so much time away going to visit them. It became increasingly difficult to get her attention and receive her affection. She was on Facebook a lot and would get calls and texts from her guy friends.

My gut told me she was at least talking to someone else. We had an argument in January. She left the house and did not come back that evening. The next day when she returned I asked her where she stayed and she said she blacked out and could not remember. She later told me she called up one of her guy friends and stayed the night at his house. The reason she could not remember is because she said she drank so much wine that night. But "nothing happened" even though "he tried to put the moves on" her. She says she stayed in the guest room and when she left the next morning he was mad. Right.

A few days later she blows up at me for something else and decides to leave and get her own place. I did not know it at the time but she had been talking to at least one of her exes, if not more. She says she just needs time and space to be alone and figure out what she wants. Well come to find out that time and space was used to get in touch with her ex husband even though he was living with his girlfriend. She went and met him and they had sex. I only found this out later after a month of denial.

They are continuing to talk regularly and he has been driving around in her truck for the last two months and is over at her place "doing household chores" and has evidently broken up with his girlfriend as they discuss getting back together.

During this time she has had sex with me and last week she said she wants me to move to Seattle with her because we would be happier there and a fresh start would be good for us and we should go ring shopping. Then yesterday she says she wants to date other men and does not want anything to do with me and to leave her alone because she only stayed with me out of guilt and she is not sexually attracted to me anymore but she is sexually attracted to other men. I now know she has been talking to other guys.

All of this has been a roller coaster of emotion and has broken my heart. In this relationship I tried to apply the lessons I learned from my marriage mistakes. But to no avail. Both of these women I loved have left me under a cloud of deceit to be with other men.

I guess I am just looking for some advice on where to go from here and what I should do to try to heal not only from this but really from the loss of my wife who I was with for 24 years and who I am still married to. Both of these women have broken my heart and now I am alone while they go on with their relationships like I mean nothing to them.

Thank you all in advance. This website is truly helpful in so many ways to so many people.

[This message edited by LightningCrashes at 5:05 PM, April 1st (Monday)]

SI Staff posted 3/28/2019 20:31 PM

   Moving to General

Notthevictem posted 3/28/2019 20:38 PM

I think you should just be single for a while man. Ditch the new woman doesn't sound like she's good for you, and is likely a predator.

Then complete the divorce while your wife is with other dude (if they break up the divorce will be harder I bet).

A tool for your toolbox that will really help I think is a journal.

cocoplus5nuts posted 3/28/2019 20:42 PM

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I have 3 suggestions. Get a divorce. Go NC with this other woman. Go to counseling.

Take care of yourself.

allusions posted 3/28/2019 20:55 PM

The woman you became involved with is NOT a good candidate for a relationship. 54 and married FIVE times does not mean she has learned valuable lessons along the way. She couldn't stick to a commitment to you and bounced you around like a tennis ball.

I think you know what you need to do. Finish your divorce. No relationships until you've been to therapy and figured out why you were unfaithful to your wife. You need to heal from the breakup of your marriage.

The1stWife posted 3/28/2019 21:56 PM

Now you know why the current woman was married 5x. Serial cheater.

Your wife? It’s over sad to say. Too much drama and cheating and mistrust to go down that road again. You need to move on.

I recommend a year of counseling for you. Heal yourself. If you love yourself you will attract a good woman. If you are looking for a woman to fill a void you will end up with a repeat of “Mrs Marrird 5x but you are the one” again.

Heal yourself. Gain some insight. Be single. You need it.

heartbroken_kk posted 3/29/2019 00:26 AM

My advice is to put a full stop to ALL of your relationships with women.

Divorce your wife. Complete the paperwork, get all your things, and END it.

Break up with the new girlfriend. Send her off in her quest to get a new place. END it.

Clean your house. Go through your keepsakes, make a box of things that are momentos of your relationships, and put everything you can in that box and seal it up. Put it in the attic or a closet or something.

THEN, you will have a house that contains ONLY YOU. Live there, alone, and get used to it. Don't date.

GET YOURSELF INTO THERAPY. Find a good psychotherapist get on a weekly schedule, get a notebook and start doing the work of learning about yourself and why you have become the person you are, and do the things you do and make the choices you make. That is how you heal. Stop looking at the women in your life as being the source of your pain (although they might) and start looking at yourself. Peel the layers of the onion back and look into yourself. Find out WHY you choose these women. Find out WHY you cheat, and WHY you end up with cheaters.

Therapy for you will help you find your way back to a healthy frame of mind and to build a new healthy you that in the future can be a healthy partner for another healthy woman. But if you don't fix you you'll just find another broken woman.

Your self-improvement project will set you on a good course for a happy future. But you have to do the work of self-reflection, and choosing to develop a different way of moving through the world authentically with other people.

stubbornft posted 3/29/2019 10:18 AM

Do you truly think that being divorced FIVE times makes someone a better partner? Come on, man. Have some time alone and get some counseling. Find out why you cheated and make sure you never do it again. Then once you are healthy, you can entertain the idea of a healthy relationship.

Otherwise, see you back here soon for another round of drama with new chick!

cancuncrushed posted 3/29/2019 10:27 AM

It feels good to fill the move on after rejection...the new feels doesn't mean it is commitment...

Your moving way too fast...its very unlikely the first one you find, is the one...she has a bad track record...and continues to have bad behavior...

IF you cant date, without getting serious, then don't date...its too soon...your WW relationship is probably doomed too...don't compete...

Focus on you..heal the work....then it will be much much better.

You cant know the damage you caused with your A...was it rugswept? did you assume she was better because she didn't dwell? She has to fix her...and it may not be fixed...jumping into another bad situation is not the answer.

I agree with counseling.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:30 AM, March 29th (Friday)]

LightningCrashes posted 3/29/2019 19:17 PM

Thank you all for the advice so far. Yes it seems like I need to just be alone for awhile and try to heal. I guess the new relationship happened too quickly. Plus she is still interested in dating and having sex with other guys. That is very tough for me to hear after giving her everything I have for the last 15 months and living together and talking about marriage. I thought after her being married five times and about to be a 55 year old grandmother that she would want to settle down with me and just try to enjoy life. I don't get this non-stop need for male validation. Is it an addiction to the dopamine hit she gets from being with someone new? Is it just that intoxicating to have guys fawn all over you and pretend they are interested knowing they only want to sleep with you? It is hard for me not to take this rejection personally. I am very hurt by both the rejection from my wife and now from my live-in girlfriend. Are there any honest and loyal women left out there?

[This message edited by LightningCrashes at 1:02 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

Starzen posted 3/29/2019 21:07 PM

Yes there are honest and loyal women out there.

I know it's difficult to not take this stuff personally, but time will convince you these people are messed up, and it isn't you. Keep reading and healing.

[This message edited by Starzen at 9:09 PM, March 29th (Friday)]

LightningCrashes posted 3/31/2019 16:21 PM

Well I have heard that she is already going out on dates. It didn't even take a few days time. What does this mean? I take it to mean she bailed out a long time ago or was never really in or was already talking to other guys while we were together, maybe more. Either way it is very painful to be abandoned and left behind like a piece of worthless garbage while other guys who have not put in any time or effort for the past year are getting her attention.

Rustylife posted 3/31/2019 20:27 PM

Make a promise to yourself. To suspend all dating and committing to improving yourself till you get the divorce done and dusted. If you're in a community property state, you're playing with fire here.

Edit:Virginia is equitable distribution state. Either way, get it done.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 8:34 PM, March 31st (Sunday)]

RubixCubed posted 3/31/2019 20:29 PM

These other men will get theirs soon enough. They will be treated exactly as you were. Just be glad you weren't #6.
You nailed it with the craving male attention and dopamine rush from the revolving door of new men. Just mark it up as a lesson, go NC and move on.

pureheartkit posted 3/31/2019 22:20 PM

Ok let's get this clear.

You never were, are not, never will be useless or garbage.

Did they break your heart and betray your trust? Yes they did.

Could you be a great husband to a great woman? Absolutely.

Do you need to think this through and process your feelings? It would be very beneficial for you to do so.

This latest person is not ready to settle down. That's too stressful a life the way she's living. Very selfish also. Marriage is sharing, not selfishness. She's not the one.

lettingo posted 3/31/2019 23:05 PM

Are there really any honest and loyal women left out there?

Yes. Absolutely. But these honest and loyal women have not been married 5 times. This should have been a red flag to you.

You do need some time to reflect, love yourself, and fix that void that is IN YOU before dating anyone new. Did you go to IC to determine why you cheated to begin with? I would start with that.

If you want to attract an honest, loyal women, you need to be honest and loyal yourself.

[This message edited by lettingo at 11:06 PM, March 31st (Sunday)]

LightningCrashes posted 6/22/2019 13:07 PM

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my post with advice and words of wisdom. I have been struggling. Here is an update:

After everything I have already described in previous posts, on April 13th my girlfriend (yes the one who is 9 years older than me and has been married 5 times) and I had dinner that led to reconciliation with the understanding that we were exclusive and she wanted to get married. So we started our relationship up again. It was ok for about a month.

But then in mid-May she began acting sketchy and was being mean to me and I had a hard time reaching her or getting attention or affection from her. Long story short, I eventually caught her cheating on June 2nd. Now she says she wasn't cheating because her definition of cheating is different than mine. I had her iPad which is linked to her phone and while I was at work I called her but she hung up on me to take a call from a "client". She was actually talking to a guy who has been going after her for many months to be with him and sleep with him and have a life with him. She has been talking to him since December. And the iPad showed that she sent him a sexy photo of her body, a selfie that she took to share with him. Not with me. I don't even get those kind of flirty pictures.

Anyway I called her from work and confronted her about the other guy and instead of being sorry she actually said she was going to call the police on me because I had her iPad and she said I am a sociopath and a rapist and all of the most mean and hateful stuff that she could muster up to throw at me. Then she blocked me. I haven't seen her since.

Now I have been researching and reading relationship books and psychology books and I think this woman qualifies as a psychopath or at least a narcissist who just used me and never really did love me. Because she has been able to flip a switch and move on to someone else and not care about the loss of me or the loss of our relationship or future or anything. Keep in mind I am close to her kids and her mom writes me and I have spent a year and a half doing everything I could to help her and show her love. The things she has said and done to me are devastating and heartbreaking, especially after the fact that she knew my ex-wife of 25 years did the exact same thing to me and it crushed me.

I am having a really hard time with this. My mind, my rational intellectual mind, tells me this is obviously for the best and I am better off without this woman and her lies and deceit and cheating and projection. But my heart is experiencing immense pain from the rejection and false accusations and from being alone while both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend are already moving on with new men and living their life like nothing ever happened, like I don't mean a thing, like I never even mattered to them at all.

It is hard to reconcile that I have actually tried to be the best guy I can be to her and do all I can possibly do for her and her kids and put up with her roller coaster emotions and walk on eggshells and never know what each day was going to be like or really feel safe and all I ever asked from her was honesty and transparency and faithfulness.

I have a hunch I know what you guys are going to say. But I need to hear it anyway. Please tell me what I need to know and what I need to do. I feel like I am a good guy. I just want to heal from all of this pain and heartache. Thank you so much.

[This message edited by LightningCrashes at 1:01 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 6/22/2019 13:51 PM

I have actually tried to be the best guy I can be to her and do all I can possibly do for her and her kids and put up with her roller coaster emotions and walk on eggshells and never know what each day was going to be like or really feel safe and all I ever asked from her was honesty and transparency and faithfulness.
Why? Why, why, why do you feel this was a good, healthy and happy relationship for you? It sounds like you were miserable.

Yes, this old bitch used you. (I am older than her, but she is just an old bitch!) She is user and abuser. That is how she goes through life. It wasn't you personally. No one is a PERSON to the old bitch. They are there for her to move around like pieces on her chess board or actors to direct in her play. No one has feelings, except for her to manipulate and use to her advantage, but feelings aren't real to her because she can not and does not FEEL like others. Some do get off on breaking a person. Do not let her WIN! Do not break.

In The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout raises the following excellent question: “If sociopaths are so focused on their goals and so driven to win, then why do they not win all the time?” She goes on to explain that, basically, sociopaths are losers: “For they do not [win or succeed in life]. Instead, most of them are obscure people, and limited to dominating their young children, or a depressed spouse, or perhaps a few employees or coworkers… Having never made much of a mark on the world, the majority are on a downward life course, and by late middle age will be burned out completely. They can rob and torment us temporarily, yes, but they are, in effect, failed lives.” (The Sociopath Next Door, 188)

I think that Martha Stout, Robert Hare, Steve Becker and many other experts on sociopathy are right to say that sociopaths play games in life and aim to win. They’re also right to observe that sociopaths generally don’t win because they tend to sabotage every relationship and endeavor by cheating, lying and engaging in other destructive behavior. But all this assumes that psychopaths have the same conception of “winning” that normal people have. It’s true that psychopaths lose in life by normal standards. But, as we well know, psychopaths lack normal standards and perspectives in pretty much all areas of life. They don’t view “winning” in the positive sense of achieving success–be it successful long-term relationships or professional endeavors–but rather as causing others to lose.

To offer one noteworthy example, from a normal perspective, Hitler and Stalin are the Big Losers of history. They’re evil dictators who trampled over countless human lives in their march to absolute power. But keep in mind that their goal was not governing strong nations in general, as was arguably Napoleon’s goal. These two totalitarian rulers wanted to achieve total control over several nations: and the entire world, if possible. Total control can’t be achieved without the subjugation, and even the annihilation, of any dissenting voice; without the inculcation of fear; without violence.

Sociopaths would rather win by becoming notorious for their crimes rather than famous for their achievements. How else can one describe the motivations of serial killers like Ted Bundy and so many others, who take pride in violent crimes and the ability to get away with them (at least for awhile)? Fortunately for the rest of humanity, most sociopaths aren’t world dictators or serial killers. However, looking at these prominent examples helps us understand better the distorted logic of sociopathy. It’s an “I win if you lose” mentality. In their own warped perspectives, sociopaths win by destroying other human beings and their social institutions, regardless if that enables them to achieve anything in life or lands them straight in prison.

Perhaps a sociopath’s only fear is being unmasked as evil, because that exposes the nature of his game. As Harrison Koehli eloquently puts it, “[Psychopaths] hang on to their masks with such conviction because they are predators, and without them, they cannot survive… To let down that facade would reveal that they are little more than unfeeling intraspecies predators that feed off the pain and suffering of others and thus destroy their chances of feeding. Even a psychopath is aware of the consequences of such a revelation. His ‘dreams’ of a boot forever stomping on the face of humanity are crushed.” Unfortunately, for as long as there will be people protecting, colluding with, and covering for sociopaths, these parasites will continue to feed on us, even if it means the destruction of both predator and prey. Sociopaths play a very dangerous game, whereby they win by losing.

Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness
Dangerous Liaisons: How to Identify and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction

You don't deserve this shit, LightningCrashes. Get some IC. There are good and loyal women out there, but stop focusing on that. You don't need a woman to be a whole happy human. Once you fall in love with yourself (in the right way) you will be able to find the right partner, but stop being in a rush. Take your time to enjoy yourself and focus on yourself, friends and hobbies. If you don't have friends or hobbies, find some.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/22/2019 14:10 PM

More to read. I am not diagnosing the old bitch as either a narcissist or psychopath. However, I am sharing this for you to see if any of this resonates with you.

So far I’ve asked you to imagine a person who lacks empathy for others and the capacity to feel any emotion deeply. I’ve asked you to imagine a person who is plagued by restlessness and boredom and finds sole satisfaction in duping, manipulating and controlling others. A person who may simulate respect or politeness, but who fundamentally regards others with contempt, as objects to be used for his temporary diversion or satisfaction. A person who suffers from an incurable and absolute egocentrism.

But even this doesn’t even begin to give you a full picture of the extent of a psychopath’s emotional poverty. It may describe what a psychopath can’t feel, but to understand how and why the psychopath is driven to harm others, you need to also get a sense of what a psychopath does feel. Psychopaths can’t tolerate loneliness. Just as all human beings can’t survive physically without food and water, psychopaths can’t survive emotionally without victims.

Of course, psychopaths regard love with contempt. They view loving and loyal couples as an ugly, undifferentiated blob. Because they can’t experience or even understand love and loyalty, they see moral individuals as weak. They have nothing but disdain for the emotions that normal human beings feel. But at the same time, psychopaths can’t live without feeding upon the real and deeper emotions of people who care about them, of individuals who can love: in other words of the people they use, abuse, toy with, lie to and hurt.

Psychopaths are often sexual predators. But even more often, and certainly more fundamentally, they’re emotional predators. What they want from their victims is far more than possessing their bodies or sex. They need to feed their insatiable appetite for harm, as well as sustain their sense of superiority, by possessing and destroying others inside and out, body and soul. A psychopath’s emotional framework is like a vacuum that needs to suck out the emotional energy from healthy individuals in order to survive. This is why I have called psychopaths real-life vampires, that we need to understand and worry about far more than their fictional counterparts.

A psychopath lacks much more than empathy for others in his emotional repertoire. He also lacks the capacity to experience any kind of emotion that requires deeper insight and psychological awareness. He experiences only proto-emotions, which are as short-lived as they’re intense. That doesn’t make them any less dangerous, however. The evidence points to the fact that Scott Peterson and Neil Entwistle preplanned their murders weeks in advance. But Mark Hacking seems to have acted more or less on impulse, after having fought with his wife. If we believe his confession to his brothers, Mark was in the process of packing up his things, ran across a revolver and shot Lori while she was asleep.

When angry or frustrated, a psychopath is capable of anything, even if his anger will dissipate a few minutes later. As Hervey Cleckley observes, “In addition to his incapacity for object love, the psychopath always shows general poverty of affect. Although it is true that be sometimes becomes excited and shouts as if in rage or seems to exult in enthusiasm and again weeps in what appear to be bitter tears or speaks eloquent and mournful words about his misfortunes or his follies, the conviction dawns on those who observe him carefully that here we deal with a readiness of expression rather than a strength of feeling.” (The Mask of Sanity, 349)

The proto-emotions experienced by a psychopath tie in, once again, to the satisfaction or frustration of his immediate desires: “Vexation, spite, quick and labile flashes of quasi-affection, peevish resentment, shallow moods of self-pity, puerile attitudes of vanity, and absurd and showy poses of indignation are all within his emotional scale and are freely sounded as the circumstances of life play upon him. But mature, wholehearted anger, true or consistent indignation, honest, solid grief, sustaining pride, deep joy, and genuine despair are reactions not likely to be found within this scale.” (The Mask of Sanity, 349)

For this reason, psychopaths don’t feel distress even when they land in jail. Even there they take pleasure in manipulating their fellow inmates and the prison staff. Even from there they write letters to people outside to use them for money, amusement and possibly even sex. Nothing ruffles a psychopath’s feathers for long. The same emotional shallowness that leads him to be unresponsive to the needs of others and to experience no remorse when he hurts them also enables him to feel little or no distress when he, himself gets hurt. So far, I’ve covered the emotions psychopaths can’t feel. I’ve also had the opportunity to witness up-close and personal the emotions a psychopath can feel, however. That’s what I’ll describe next.

The Psychopath’s Emotions: What Does He Feel?

1) Glee. A psychopath feels elation or glee whenever he gets his way or pulls a fast one on somebody. I can still recall O.J. Simpson’s reaction to getting away with murder (at least in my own opinion and that of a lot of other people who watched the trial, if not in the eyes of the jury): his celebratory glee at pulling a fast one on the American public, on the system of justice and especially on the victims and their families.

2) Anger. Robert Hare notes in Without Conscience that since psychopaths have low impulse control, they’re much more easily angered than normal people. A psychopath’s displays of anger tend to be cold, sudden, short-lived and arbitrary. Generally you can’t predict what exactly will trigger his anger since this emotion, like his charm, is used to control those around him. It’s not necessarily motivated by something you’ve done or by his circumstances. A psychopath may blow up over something minor, but remain completely cool and collected about a more serious matter. Displays of anger represent yet another way for a psychopath to demonstrate that he’s in charge. When psychopaths scream, insult, hit, or even wound and kill other individuals, they’re aware of their behavior even if they act opportunistically, in the heat of the moment. They know that they’re harming others and, what’s more, they enjoy it.

3) Frustration. This emotion is tied to their displays of anger but isn’t necessarily channeled against a particular person, but against an obstacle or situation. A psychopath may feel frustrated, for example, when his girlfriend doesn’t want to leave her current partner for him. Yet he may be too infatuated with her at the moment to channel his negative emotions against her. He may also believe that his anger would alienate her before he’s gotten a chance to hook her emotionally. In such circumstances, he may become frustrated with the situation itself: with the obstacles that her partner or her family or society in general pose between them. Psychopaths generally experience frustration when they face impersonal barriers between themselves and their current goals or targets. But that’s also what often engages them even more obstinately in a given pursuit. After all, for them, overcoming minor challenges in life is part of the fun.

4) Consternation. As we’ve seen so far, psychopaths don’t create love bonds with others. They establish dominance bonds instead. When those controlled by a psychopath disapprove of his actions or sever the relationship, sometimes he’ll experience anger. But his immediate reaction is more likely to be surprise or consternation. Psychopaths can’t believe that their bad actions, which they always consider justifiable and appropriate, could ever cause another human being who was previously under their spell to disapprove of their behavior and reject them. Even if they cheat, lie, use, manipulate or isolate others, they don’t feel like they deserve any repercussions as a result of that behavior. In addition, psychopaths rationalize their bad actions as being in the best interest of their victims.
For instance, if a psychopath isolates his partner from her family and persuades her to quit her job and then, once she’s all alone with him, abandons her to pursue other women, he feels fully justified in his conduct. In his mind, she deserved to be left since she didn’t satisfy all of his needs or was somehow inadequate as a mate. In fact, given his sense of entitlement, the psychopath might even feel like he did her a favor to remove her from her family and friends and to leave her alone in the middle of nowhere, like a wreck displaced by a tornado. Thanks to him, she can start her life anew and become more independent.
To put it bluntly, a psychopath will kick you in the teeth and expect you to say “Thank you.” Being shameless and self-absorbed, he assumes that all those close to him will buy his false image of goodness and excuse his despicable actions just as he does. In fact, he expects that even the women he’s used and discarded continue to idealize him as a perfect partner and eagerly await his return. That way he can continue to use them for sex, money, control, his image or any other services if, when and for however long he chooses to return into their lives.
When those women don’t feel particularly grateful—when, in fact, they feel only contempt for him–the psychopath will be initially stunned that they have such a low opinion of him. He will also feel betrayed by these women, or by family members and friends who disapprove of his reprehensible behavior. Although he, himself, feels no love and loyalty to anyone, a psychopath expects unconditional love and loyalty from all those over whom he’s established a dominance bond.
This mindset also explains psychopaths’ behavior in court. Both Scott Peterson and Neil Entwistle seemed outraged that the jury found them guilty of murder. Psychopaths believe that those whom they have hurt, and society in general, should not hold them accountable for their misdeeds. After all, in their own minds, they’re superior to other human beings and therefore above the law. How dare anybody hold them accountable and punish them for their crimes!

5) Boredom. This is probably the only feeling that gives psychopaths a nagging sense of discomfort. They try to alleviate it, as we’ve seen, by pursuing cheap thrills, harming others and engaging in transgressive behavior. Nothing, however, can relieve for long the psychopath’s fundamental ennui. He gets quickly used to, and thus also bored with, each new person and activity.

6) Histrionic flashes. I’m not sure if this is an emotion, but I know for sure that the psychopath’s dramatic displays of love, remorse and empathy lack any meaning and depth. If you watch the murder trials on the news or on Court TV, you’ll notice that some psychopaths convicted of murder often put on shows of grief, sadness or remorse in front of the jury. The next moment, however, they’re joking around and laughing with their attorneys or instructing them in a calm and deliberate manner about what to do and say on their behalf. The displays of emotion psychopaths commonly engage in are, of course, fake. They’re tools of manipulation–to provoke sympathy or gain trust–as well as yet another way of “winning” by fooling those around them.
I’ve already mentioned that Neil Entwistle engaged in such histrionic behavior. If you’ve followed crime features on the news, you may have noticed that Casey Anthony, the young woman accused of killing her toddler, behaves similarly. She was observed going out to dance and party at clubs with friends the day after her daughter, Caylee, disappeared. Casey’s lack of concern for her missing child doesn’t necessarily prove that she murdered her. But it reveals highly suspicious and callous behavior. It also casts doubt upon the brief and dramatic displays of grief or concern that she sometimes puts on in front of the media and for her parents.

7) Infatuation. When they identify someone as a good potential target, psychopaths can become obsessed with that particular person. In Without Conscience, Hare compares the psychopath’s focused attention upon his chosen target to a powerful beam of light that illuminates only one spot at a time. He also likens it to a predator stalking its prey. Because psychopaths tend to ignore other responsibilities (such as their jobs and their families) and have no conscience whatsoever, they can focus on pursuing a given target more intensely than multi-dimensional, loving men could. This is especially the case if their target presents an exciting challenge, such as if she’s rich or famous, or if she’s married to another man, which triggers their competitive drive. This single-minded infatuation, however, like all of their proto-emotions, is superficial and short-lived. Because for psychopaths such obsessions don’t lead to any genuine friendship, caring or love, they dissipate as soon as they get whatever they wanted from that person, which may be only the conquest itself.

8) Self-love (sort of). Since psychopaths only care about themselves, one would think that self-love would be the one emotion they could experience more deeply. In a sense that’s true, since their whole lives revolve around the single-minded pursuit of selfish goals. But this is also what makes psychopaths’ self-love as shallow as the rest of their emotions. Just as they’re incapable of considering anyone else’s long-term interest, they’re incapable of considering their own. By pursuing fleeting pleasures and momentary whims, psychopaths sabotage their own lives as well. Rarely do they end up happy or successful. They spend their whole lives hurting and betraying those who loved and trusted them, using and discarding their partners, disappointing the expectations of their families, friends, bosses and colleagues and moving from one meaningless diversion to another. At the end of the road, most of them end up empty-handed and alone.

9) CONTEMPT. I’ve capitalized this word because this is the emotion that dominates a psychopath’s whole identity and way of looking at other human beings. No matter how charming, other-regarding and friendly they may appear to be on the outside, all psychopaths are misanthropes on the inside. A psychopath’s core emotion is contempt for the individuals he fools, uses and abuses and for humanity in general. You can identify the psychopath’s underlying contempt much more easily once he no longer needs you or once his mask of sanity shatters. As we’ve seen, psychopaths hold themselves in high regard and others in low regard. To describe the hierarchies they construct, I’ll use an analogy from my literary studies. I was trained in Comparative Literature during they heyday of Jacques Derrida’s deconstruction as it was being applied to pretty much everything: cultural studies, gender hierarchies, race relations, post-colonialism and the kitchen sink.

Although looking at life in general in terms of “indeterminate” binary hierarchies hasn’t proved particularly useful, this polarized worldview describes rather well the mindset of psychopaths. For such disordered, narcissistic and unprincipled individuals, the world is divided into superiors (themselves) and inferiors (all others); predators (themselves) and prey (their targets); dupers (themselves) and duped (the suckers). Of course, only giving psychopaths a lobotomy would turn these binary hierarchies upside down in their minds. This is where the applicability of Derrida’s deconstructive model stops. Although psychopaths consider themselves superior to others, they distinguish among levels of inferiority in the people they use, manipulate and dupe.
The biggest dupes in their eyes are those individuals who believe whole-heartedly that the psychopaths are the kind, honest, other-regarding individuals they appear to be. As the saying goes, if you buy that, I have some oceanfront property in Kansas to sell you. Such individuals don’t present much of a challenge for psychopaths. They’re usually quickly used up and discarded by them. The second tier of dupes consists of individuals who are lucid only when it comes to the psychopath’s mistreatment of others, not themselves. Wives and girlfriends who are clever enough to see how the psychopath cheats on, lies to, uses and manipulates other people in his life, but vain or blind enough to believe that they’re the only exception to this rule form the bulk of this group.

This brings to mind an episode of a popular court show I watched recently. A woman testified on behalf of the integrity and honesty of her boyfriend. As it turns out, he had cheated on his wife with her (and other women as well). But his girlfriend nonetheless staunchly defended his character. She maintained that even though she knew that her lover was a cheater and a liar, because she herself was such a great catch and because they had such a special and unique relationship, he was completely faithful and honest to her. The judge laughed out loud and added, “…that you know of!”

Women who are cynical enough to see the psychopath’s mistreatment of others yet gullible enough not to see that’s exactly what he’s doing to them constitute his preferred targets. Such women are not so naive as to present no challenge whatsoever for the psychopath. But they’re definitely blind enough to fall for his manipulation and lies. A psychopath will wrap several such women around his little finger. Those who finally see the psychopath’s mistreatment as a sign of his malicious and corrupt nature occupy the third rung of the hierarchy. They’re usually women who have been burned so badly by the psychopath that they don’t wish to put their hands into the fire again.

Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness
Dangerous Liaisons: How to Identify and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction

skerzoid posted 6/22/2019 14:24 PM


Why are you here?? You have not listened to anything anyone has said. People take their time to try to help you cope. It goes in one ear and out the other!

You are codependent to the nth degree. You have to get over looking to someone to give you happiness. Google "Codependent".

Read "NO More Mr. Nice Guy". There is a free PDF copy on-line.

Here are some ideas if you actually want to listen:

1. File to divorce your wife. You killed that marriage. End it and move on.

2. Block the Old Bitch from all media. Do not have any kind of contact with her ever again. <<<<That means NEVER AGAIN!!! If she calls, HANG UP!!!

3. Stop doing the Pick-Me Dance! Do Not Beg, Do Not Cry, Do Not Try Reason With either of them ever again. It makes you look pathetic to them!!

4. Women are attracted to men who are Strong, Courageous, & act Decisively. You have not done this. Start faking it till you can do it for real.

5. Get on with your life, work on your weaknesses and making them into strengths. Otherwise, this is your destiny.

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