"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

BrokenheartedUK posted 3/4/2019 06:42 AM

I did too. I started dating around four months after I ended my marriage. I really missed sex!! I wasn't looking for anything serious but I had a couple of great short term relationships and I have zero regrets. My divorce went on for 1.5 years so I dated for a year during that time.

It took a couple of years for me post divorce to feel more ready to have an actual relationship.

You can do whatever you decide that is good for you. As long as you're emotionally aware and are honest about what you are looking for--both with yourself and your dates, then, by all means, get yourself out there.

ru79 posted 3/5/2019 23:26 PM

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It really made me think about different aspects of dating, and my own expectations at this point. Also I noted it could be a nother rough road.

Take away for me are;

1. Yes it is Ok to start dating but be aware of your own emotions

2. Be honest about my situationa and wiht the people you meet

3.Have fun

4. "Dating ready" really depends on each individual and the situation they are in.

Infedility is a deal braker for me. Perhaps thats why I have been slowly moving on since the D day (May 2018), though I did wait around for my WH and intended to repair if he also wanted it. We live in two separate states and have no connection anymore. I have decided to step into the unknown, and I really miss the intimacy and having the company of a man. So I am going to step up into online dating and be open to any non-online encounters as well. Not with the intention of looking for the next life long relationship, but just to date and perhaps a short term relationship. I am sure this will be a different dating experience than all the previous times, and I want to learn about myself too. What have I become through all these experiences? Better I get on with it earlier than later..

HappyTree posted 3/6/2019 10:40 AM

Not sure if this is dating. But I had a Friends with benefits for a bit fairly soon after Dday. I was so messed up and I really missed sex and I just wanted to feel that connection with someone, anyone. It actually worked out very well for me. We were "together" for about a year an half. We would pause things if one of us was in a relationship. Now he is in one and I am really happy for him as he is still a good friend of mine (his Dday was just 6 months before mine).

I did attempt an actual relationship with someone about a month before the divorce was final. I wasn't ready for anything like that and he really wasn't "the one."

I've been divorced a year and a half now. I still don't know if I am ready for an actual relationship, but I do always like to have a guy on side.

Funny how my ex talked about how he wanted to go back to dating and I didn't. Yet he is still with the same homewrecker and I'm the one actually out there.

JanaGreen posted 3/6/2019 12:29 PM

Funny how my ex talked about how he wanted to go back to dating and I didn't. Yet he is still with the same homewrecker and I'm the one actually out there.

My ex celebrated his one-year anniversary with his gf a month after our divorce was final! That was the point where current BF and I had just started talking about exclusivity. He always made fun of people who couldn't stay single, but look at him. LOL. And he cheated on her too.

CurseBreaker posted 3/10/2019 00:27 AM

We’ve been separated 8 months and I am nowhere near ready to date. My reasons:

1) I haven’t hit the “I’m content in my singleness” point

2) My belief that the Good Lord won’t give you someone else’s spouse as your SO (and I’m still technically someone else’s spouse, so...)

However, I’m very attracted to men again, and I have some itches that need scratching. Yay, I’m alive again! Lol. Just stuck in this limbo of “it’s complicated” until things are final. I do have a candidate whom I would love to explore, oh goodness would I. Oh well, as I see it any future relationship will be even more worth it if I wait until D is final. XH is a rebound relationship turned M after a breakup with a LTBF, and I’m not keen on repeating history.

Nycountrystrong posted 3/18/2019 07:18 AM

I started dating someone, long distance, around 4 months into being seperated. We shared a lot of similar pain and experiences in our pasts. And I thought we would progress nicely into a relationship together..
For me, I had multiple d-days and had honestly accepted that my marriage was truly dead long before the decision to officially get divorced was made. It put me a little further down the road to recovery than other people may have been at that point in their journey.

Like others have said, everyone heals and is ready to date again at their own pace and own time. My initial relationship that had developed during my seperation ultimately ended up failing.. I wanted things to progress towards something more serious, and she wasn't ready, or wasn't able to share her life like that again yet. We parted as amicably as could be expected in that situation.

3 months after ending things with her, I met my current girlfriend. We just celibrated 9 months together and things are going well. Theres been hiccups, all relationships have them, but I must say that she treats me better, and with more love and understanding, than I have ever experienced. It's truly a nice feeling.

newlife03 posted 3/18/2019 22:35 PM

1. Yes, I tried. Big fail!

2. It was about 8 months from when we separated to my first sex partner outside of my marriage and around the time I started seeing someone (not the same guy).

3. I'm not sure when I was "dating ready" but I can honestly say that I was NOT ready for any new relationship. I wanted so much to have someone in my life that I allowed myself to be with someone who wanted nothing more than sex. Not the first encounter; he lived out of state, was an old friend, and we just had a fun night together.

I kept wanting the xWH that I was seeing someone new so that HE'd be jealous. So I probably used that guy a little, too.

When I no longer had xWH in mind at all, that his opinion no longer mattered to me, I was ready.

Cheatee posted 3/21/2019 09:24 AM

1. Did anyone start dating while separated? Before divorce?

Yes, I did.

2. If so how long into separation that you first started dating?

Very soon, although we had been trying for a year to reconcile. Once she proved herself irredeemably untrustworthy, I declared I was done, I wanted a divorce and had a first date a month later.

3. Especially BSs, when did you become "dating ready"? (In other words, how did you know that you were "dating ready"?)

I don't think I was. I started dating because I wanted to feel attractive and like a man again after the humiliating abuse of being cheating on. I was very upfront about my situation with women I dated. There was some justifiable unease on their parts, but I was hiding nothing.

I had some good dates, some bad ones, and some repeat dates that almost blossomed into relationships. Luckily, none really got serious until I was ready for one, about a year after separation, as the divorce was finally becoming completed.

I don't recommend it, although just sitting in a stew of own pained rejection was its own hell.

That said, I was able to be honest, sew a few wild oats and find someone whom I am deeply in love with and have 100% trust in.

[This message edited by Cheatee at 9:25 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

CatsEye posted 3/21/2019 13:42 PM

For guys wondering why they can't get dates when their divorce isn't finalized, that's because any woman of sense knows that a man who is still married but wants to date her is almost certainly deceiving her about the state of his marriage in order to get a little extra on the side. It's such a common tactic that it has become cliche. Virtually every woman who isn't just a homewrecking slut and begins an affair with a married man because she believes that he actually loves her has been told that:

"We might not be divorced, but the marriage is over."
"We never have sex."
"She's cheating too."
"I'd have already divorced her, but I'm waiting for the kids to finish school."
"I'd leave her, but she's crazy and would ruin me financially just for revenge."
"We're legally separated, and the divorce is in the works."

Probably 99.99999% of the time, every one of the statements above is a complete and utter LIE told because the guy wants a little extra sex on the side, and he doesn't care how dishonest he has to be or what emotional devastation he causes in order to get what he wants. This is what women see from men again and again and again and again and again. Any woman who dates a man that she knows is married just because he says he is separated is taking such a huge risk that ... well, she's taking a stupid risk. She's being a braindead slut thinking with what's between her legs. I'd never do it. NEVER. Any man who approached me while he was still married, even if he turned up officially divorced later, would forever be on the "Do not call." list. End of discussion.

And even if he's telling the truth about being separated, which is highly unlikely, chances are he's an emotional wreck who will use her for sex, drain her psyche, and eventually dump her for not fixing him and all his problems, while wasting time that she could have spent looking for someone ready for an actual relationship. Chances are, he has absolutely nothing to offer her at that point in time other than empty, meaningless sex and endless drama. Chances are, he will just be using her, even if that's not his intentions. And that's even if he doesn't reconcile with his wife. I can't have much faith in the judgement of any woman who would date a man who was still married, separated or not. Unless he proves that he has actually filed, she is being an utter idiot.

Bottom line: if you aren't officially divorced, then the marriage is NOT over. If the marriage were already over, you wouldn't need a divorce to marry someone else.

My divorce lasted about a year and a half. I have been divorced for three months now. Still don't want to date. Don't know that I will ever want to date again.

Trust a man that way again? Not likely.

All you men who aren't banding together to heap scorn on the cheating players among your ranks are to blame for this attitude towards separated men. Most of you actually admire other men for being players. Most of you actually admire other men for being selfish, dishonest, manipulative users. And you wouldn't admire them for being players if you didn't want to be players yourselves at least a little bit.

Every time you listened to a guy brag about how he tricked some woman into going to bed with him, and you gave him an admiring word or look instead of being utterly disgusted and banning him from your life, you gave women everywhere one more reason not to ever date a man who is still married, even if he is separated. Every single time you laughed at a joke in which the player came out on top and got what he wanted at the expense of some woman he deceived, you gave women everywhere another reason to give married but separated men a wide berth.

If you have ever looked at a man who was lying to women and manipulating them emotionally in order to "score" and wished you could get as much sex as he was getting instead of thinking about what a disgusting, lowlife piece of filth he is spreading grief everywhere he goes, YOU are one of the reasons women of sense don't date a man who is still married, even if he does say he is separated.

You men might not be able to control how dishonest other men choose to be, but you're damn sure responsible for how you respond to it and whether you discourage or encourage the behavior. Until I see some discouragement from men for that sort of behavior, I have no sympathy for a man who is married and trying to date, even if he is separated.

LilBlackCat posted 3/21/2019 14:02 PM

I can understand what you mean... except there's a double standard.. Women on OLD for example, will put that they are separated.. but will also put they will not date a separated man.

It's obvious that these women know they can get a dozen inbox messages with a half an attempt at trying.

CatsEye posted 3/21/2019 14:32 PM

LilBlackCat, That's pretty hypocritical alright. Well, take note of which women do that, and give THEM a wide berth. I wouldn't even use someone like that for a booty call.

Seriously though, I just don't understand how someone can want to date other people and still be in a marriage. That's someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Separation is code for "space to run around". If you want to date other people and no longer want to be married to your current partner, then go ahead and file for divorce before you start dating. If you're not sure whether you still want to be married to your current partner, you need to figure that out before you hurt other people by pretending you're ready for a new relationship when you clearly aren't.

It would take some pretty extraordinary circumstances for me to think that someone was justified in putting off filing for divorce but not showing the restraint to put off dating until after filing. I can't think of any offhand.

LilBlackCat posted 3/21/2019 16:14 PM

I agree, playing people is definitely not cool...

Although, there are many circumstances why people can be separated and not yet fully divorced or yet filed.

I will say that, as I was in that state for over 3 years, all the while my WW was running around having the time of her life.. I was raising kids, broke and just trying to survive. I even tried to go the "court will cover your cost" route and file for divorce.. and found that it's a farce.. primarily designed for those who are low income. As I may of made decent income to not qualify on paper, the reality of my life should of made me fit right in under the guidelines.. I had 4 kids, no help from anyone, and a 25% income garnishment due to an eviction that was caused when my WW started dating out of town and stopped working and everything fell onto my shoulders.. Since I was the only one actually working. WW and AP4 was living off of her cashed out retirement accounts and pension.

So not until recently, did I finally get the ball rolling.. Which was get a BK filed and then D filed.. I am in the later part now.

BobPar posted 3/22/2019 15:03 PM

Bottom line: if you aren't officially divorced, then the marriage is NOT over. If the marriage were already over, you wouldn't need a divorce to marry someone else.

There were discussions like this in my family. Everyone weighed in.
But after my xWW's multiple A's, dragging out the "in house" separation and divorce process for whatever her reasons, I went ahead and dated. The marriage was over with the A's. That doesn't mean a woman online shouldn't do her due diligence. That only makes sense.

LilBlackCat posted 3/22/2019 16:36 PM

That doesn't mean a woman online shouldn't do her due diligence. That only makes sense.

I agree.. same with us guys.

I mean, to clear the air.. My Wife (as in the woman I signed the marriage certificate with) cheated, lied, and ran off with someone else.

Both sexes cheat, and while I can understand the feelings that men do this, or do that to cover or praise cheating men.. as it may feel personal to someone as a woman.

Women do the exact same thing. My sister-in-law knew what was going on, yet covered for her.. I later saw texts from her telling WW to have fun and to "get hers".. before I find out.

So um, yeah.. both sides do it.

CatsEye posted 4/3/2019 21:43 PM

BobPar, if the divorce is in the works and you're honest about your situation, that's acceptable. I wouldn't do it, but that's me.

LilBlackCat, I would say you get a special dispensation because she moved out and abandoned you and the children. Abandonment is practically a de facto divorce.

I'm not saying it's impossible for a man who is only separated to be sincere. But I still say it's so unlikely that it strikes me as a very stupid risk. I would never take it. NEVER.

I do know that women can be lying, cheating scum too. I have reason to believe that my exhole got involved with his only acknowledged mistress when she was still married to one of his best friends. So both of them committed a double betrayal of both spouse and friend.

They both deserve each other.

CatsEye posted 4/3/2019 22:02 PM

Just spotted this on a website:

decades of studies show that affairs are common, and, at least historically, more so among men than women: Among American couples, 20 to 40 percent of heterosexual married men and 10 to 25 percent of heterosexual married women will have an affair during their lifetime.

So, yes, women cheat too sometimes, but according to those figures, men are twice as likely to be cheaters as women.

LilBlackCat posted 4/4/2019 11:59 AM

I think those numbers might have been accurate 5-10 years ago.. but not in today's society..

It's likely to be equal or more skewed to where women cheat more than men.

Society in print, televised, and online are always promoting it, mainly targeted at women as sexual independence.

Zamboni posted 4/4/2019 16:24 PM

I think a person’s decision to date while separated and going through a divorce should be a personal one.

Some people are ready and some aren’t. Some people choose not to because they are trying to heal themselves or maybe because of religious or cultural expectations they want to wait. Others want to give it a try right out of the gate.

Anyone that I have known IRL that was separated, dated before their divorce was final.

Williesmom posted 4/5/2019 07:55 AM

I waited until the D was final, but it was a 90 day D so I can't really say how long I would have waited.

I didn't start dating until about 18 months after the D was final. He was someone that I knew from work, and it was good for both of us.

I think it's different for everyone but I know a LOT of people that jump into the dating pool way too quickly.