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Did anyone start dating while separated?

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ru79 posted 2/27/2019 22:52 PM

1. Did anyone start dating while separated? Before divorce?

2. If so how long into separation that you first started dating?

3. Especially BSs, when did you become "dating ready"? (In other words, how did you know that you were "dating ready"?)

TrustedHer posted 2/27/2019 23:09 PM

My divorce took 4 years to complete.

I knew I was done with the marriage on D-Day#2, which was 3 months after D-Day#1. (See my profile).

I was in intensive counseling with my IC literally from two days after D-Day#1. I had been in counseling before, due to son's drug and alcohol use, so I was more receptive to counseling than most would have been.

I will admit I was a hot mess for a few months there. Being fired from my job in the middle of that was more fuel on the fire.

I connected online with My Lady about a year after D-Day#1, and we became an item about a month later.

Most such situations do not work out. We've been good for each other, 9 years now.

There are people who say it's wrong to date if you're still legally married. I agree it's best to get the divorce done first, but sometimes it's not a 90 day divorce, but a 4 year one. Whether the divorce is done or not, you may not be ready as quickly as I was. I had an excellent counselor and I had been through trauma before with the help of counseling, so I think that helped me.

Even so, there were many issues I hadn't dealt with, and it led to some interesting discussions with My Lady.

Specific answers:
1. Yes, after separation, but before divorce.
2. 10 months after separation. But the first 4 months of that were in-house separation.
3. I felt I was ready 7 months after separation. But I wasn't, really, even with all that counseling.

Phoenix1 posted 2/28/2019 00:27 AM

I was one of those that could not date while still legally married. Purely a personal choice.

I met my SO unexpectedly a few months after D was final. I wasn't looking for a R, but open to enjoying the company of a man. I made that clear on our first date, and he was in agreement.

But the real question, how did I know I was ready? Like everyone, you have to look at the situation. In my case, Dday1 was 4.5 years prior. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me, so I knew I would D. Stuck around trying to get youngest graduated from high school. Because I had already decided to D, I was emotionally distancing myself from Xhole. After finding SI, I learned I was actually emotionally detaching. By the time we separated four years later, not only did I have no emotional attachment, he truly made my skin crawl. Once the D was final, that was basically the final piece to my healing.

Then came SO, and we are still together 5+ years later.

LilBlackCat posted 2/28/2019 00:35 AM

I did date someone back in 2016... but was not as ready as i thought.

I think now that I have truly reached indifference, is when I feel I am ready to date without carrying any emotional baggage.

But being only separated, does make it harder to find someone.. I finally was able to file recently, so hopefully my dating luck will change once the D is final.

To truly say I had reached this point in my emotional severance of it all.. took about 3-3.5 years..

[This message edited by LilBlackCat at 12:37 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

I.will.survive posted 2/28/2019 05:25 AM

No, I did not date anyone while separated.

We were in house separated for about a year.

When we moved apart, it took a year and a half before we were divorced.

I put myself online a month after our final divorce so that means I had been separated/divorced from him for 2.5 years technically.

The first date I went on turned into a 2 year relationship! I was so starved for affection and attention that I stayed with a man whose children I couldn't learn to love. Just because he treated me so well compared to my ex....it was hard to let that go.

If you feel ready, try it. But don't break hearts and protect your own if you are just trying to "get over" your marriage and see what's out there.

LoveTKO posted 2/28/2019 07:21 AM

I'm separated and dating someone. Everyone is different, but I think as long as you're honest about it, it's ok. I wasn't looking to date. I had met SO a couple of times while I was married - friend of friends. Not in our circle but right outside. Thought he was nice, that's it. When I separated, we starting talking one night when out with mutual friends and he confessed he always had a crush on me but of course never acted on it because I was married. We talked for a few months and then started dating slowly.

BTW, about a month after we separated, I told STBXWH that I was probably going to start dating and that he should feel free to as well. We were done. I tried for 2.5 years (false R) and STBXWH never did the work. He made promises he never kept and tried to rugsweep his year plus affair. The marriage is over.

I don't feel guilty at all for dating although I don't know if I would've started dating so soon if I hadn't known the person. I didn't know my SO that well - had only spoken once or twice but had many friends that knew him for years and he was highly regarded and respected. I felt safe. I don't know that I would with anyone else.

BTW, we met through a mutual interest - local live music. I think it's best just to do what interests you with friends and let things happen naturally. I started going to a local open mic with old friends after Dday because I enjoyed it. I was separated (first time) for a few months. I did not date but made many new friends (male and female) and loved the music. I've been going now for almost 3 years - sometimes with STBXWH, sometimes not. It opened my world up after Dday. I am grateful.

nothisfriend posted 2/28/2019 08:00 AM

My WXH and I had been to court for our hearing and everything was done except the judge waited to sign the papers for a few months so the leech could stay on my health insurance. Shortly after I met my BF and we started getting to know each other. But we did not take it to sex or overnights until the D was signed and final.

That was a fabulous weekend!

WhoTheBleep posted 2/28/2019 08:35 AM

DDay 8/2015. Physically separated 9/2017. Filed for D 5/2018 (still pending, Cluster B WH). Started dating Jan 2019.

Like Phoenix, not looking for a serious relationship, but open to the company of a man. I had that energy going on the day I met him while out and about.

I'm still in IC 2x a month, and completely NC with WH, except for kid stuff.

JanaGreen posted 2/28/2019 10:49 AM

I went on a few dates starting about a year after my ex moved out.

I started seeing my current boyfriend about 3 weeks before my divorce was final.

Being "alone" for a year was a good choice for me. I was a mess. I'm probably still a mess. But I take great pains not to project my mess onto my partner. Closer to the time of my separation, I could not have done that.

barcher144 posted 2/28/2019 11:09 AM

1. Did anyone start dating while separated? Before divorce?

When my first marriage ended, I started dating a couple of months after the divorce was final. That was too soon... after about 6 weeks of dating, I ended the relationship and took another 8-10 months off.

After my second marriage ended (August 2018), I started dating within a couple of months. Divorce is still on-going...

The situations were totally different. I spent about two years prior to my first divorce trying to fix the marriage. In contrast, I spent about two years prior to my second marriage ending trying to fix me.

2. If so how long into separation that you first started dating?

A couple of months?

3. Especially BSs, when did you become "dating ready"? (In other words, how did you know that you were "dating ready"?)

This time, I was ready to date pretty much the day that I truly accepted that my marriage was truly over. She was never going to change... she was always going to be the lying, gaslighting narcissist. Beyond that, she finally realized that I was never going to let her get away with her lying, gaslighting narcissism again. We were both done.

JanaGreen posted 2/28/2019 12:04 PM

Oh and ironically enough I feel like I was "dating ready" when I felt really happy being single. I really just wanted to meet people and play the field lol. I was so happy on my own, there's no way I would have gotten into an actual relationship with anyone unless they were improving my life. Which is how I accidentally ended up in a healthy, fulfilling relationship!

MakingMyFuture posted 2/28/2019 12:28 PM

Hell yes and best decision ever. As soon as we broke up (I filed about a week later), as far as I was concerned we were done, I was single and the rest was annoying paperwork. He had wasted years of my life I wasn't giving him an extra day of thought or misery so I got out there and got busy living!

I wasn't looking for "my next great love" I was looking for fun and practice on everything from flirting to telling the story of the last 17 years without making it about x, to explaining why I'm single, to actually enjoying the company of a man who didn't make me want to puke. So I dated guys that were a bit of "players" and I was just fine with that. A win win. It took about two years before I was ready to "be in a relationship" and have met amazing men but not the right one for me. For the past 2 1/2 years now I've had short meaningful relationships that ended because I know I didn't want to go the distance and 1 or 2 flings, and spent a lot of time so single.

I've actually enjoyed being single so much that really I don't know if I would really want another lifelong partner. Maybe yes, maybe better without one and just having a friend with benefits on the side. I don't think I'll ever define my life, happiness or success on being in a relationship again.

It's nice if it works, but there are a million other ways to have a beautiful loving meaningful life. I have been a better friend and parent, traveled the world more, laughed harder, had better sex and seen fewer shitty movies single than I ever did while married.

Check to make sure dating while separated will not impact your divorce in your state or country. But if not and you want to, I say go for it....just don't project to others or expect that you are ready for a healthy real relationship right now. Just date for fun. If you try to find or project to others that you are on a love or relationship path, you will attract broken.

Good luck!

Important note to add in reading from others. I stayed for over 18 months past first DDay and that was after a few years of other bullshit. So my first date was right after fling but I was pretty emotionally detached from x at that point. Well...emotionally detached from expecting him to be a good person or trusting him or caring about him. Not emotionally detached from the socio passive aggressive shit he would continue to do post divorce or the ongoing pain and shit he would do to my kids. That took years to separate from and still gets to me every once in awhile. But on the live partnership trust miss you scale....he was done well before I ever files....so dating was really easy.

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 12:42 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

TrustGone posted 2/28/2019 12:49 PM

I began dating a couple of months after I filed for D from XWH#1. The D took 2.5yrs. That's how I had the privilege of getting XWH#2.

This time around I waited until the D was final and I was healed. This was 1.5yrs after separation. I also took this relationship very slowly. I didn't want to make the same stupid mistake I had made before in dating too soon. Rebound relationships rarely work out in the end.

I think you are ready to "date" when you have totally healed from the trauma of infidelity. This doesn't usually happen until after the D. Indifference is hard to get to while you are still entangled in the D process. I think you need to take the time to find yourself before you look to find someone else.JMO

LilBlackCat posted 2/28/2019 17:58 PM

I wish my separated life was like MakingMyFuture's... Lol!

But it seems like women are not that forgiving with a guy is separated. dammit!

OuttaCoffee posted 3/1/2019 06:52 AM

I started to about two months before my D finalization. The thought was why am I still waiting? I needed to do something enjoyable for me. There was a string of first dates. Itís most certain the fact that they were only first dates was due to a combination of circumstances in only being separated and likely projections on my end. In retrospect I doubt I was ready at that time, but did need to get out and meet people. Im glad I did. Itís one thing to be told about other fish in the sea, entirely different when youíre having coffee or a glass of wine with one, or going indoor skydiving.
Going on, or in some cases enduring through, several individuals did provide first hand examples of what I was attracted to or repulsed by. I learned to recognize traits that detrimental, most importantly.
There is quite a bit of truth to the prior sentiment concerning the difficulties associated with a man dating while separated vs being finally divorced. Perhaps Oklahoma is just a microcosm of that, but it was most certainly noticeable. The finalization did open more doors and options than I would have guessed. Thatís not a bad thing, as the caliber of individuals also increased as well. This observation does in no way help those stuck in purgatory, but I had heard that it does change things.
As far as being ready to date, I likely wasnít but needed to getaway and wanted to see what Iíd been missing. Iím glad I did when I did. Itís one hell of a challenge, and itís own mini coaster as well. But all of the expectations I had have been blown.

dejavu2 posted 3/1/2019 21:27 PM

Yes I started dating approximately 10 months into separation- shortly after I learned that my Ex and OW had a baby together that was conceived while Ex and I were still together. After that- decided that I had sat in the sorrow long enough and needed to move on with my life. Surely my Ex had done so. I had 9 first dates before I met someone worthy of a 2nd date. We dated for 2 months and then he dumped me. It was upsetting but I moved on quickly. I met and started dated my current boyfriend a month later. It was casual for me for the first 6 months and then I finally introduced him to my daughter. We've been together 16 months now- my divorce was final 8 months into our relationship. He wants to get married, but I am so not ready. I've only been divorced 7 months! I still feel like daughter and I have LOTS of healing to do. It's only been a month since I said "I love you", despite he having said it 6 months ago. I still have lots of fears associated with trusting someone with my heart and life again. But I'm truly enjoying how sweet, kind, generous, and attentive he is. My daughter and my dog love him- which is a big deal for me. For the first time in my life, a man is treating me really, really well. It's helping me heal to see that there truly are good, kind men in this world and that one actually cares about ME. It's amazing. Best of luck to you. Remember to have fun- especially in the beginning. Take it slow- he will wait for you if he's a good one. My boyfriend is eternally patient, which has been super important for me. If he was pushy, I would have run a long time ago.

CaliforniaNative posted 3/1/2019 21:53 PM

1. Yes
2. 1 month. An old xbf got in touch with me.
3. I dated two guys after that then stopped. I had another huge traumatic event that happened 4 months after xwh moved out. Then I took a year off to pull my life back together. Almost ready again.

cancuncrushed posted 3/3/2019 11:00 AM

I was married 35 years....so I haven't even had a date in 35 years....I was committed to my marriage..

filed for d in june 2018...pending...gotten nowhere NPD wh..

I met a man once...just in passing...I was very attracted to him immediately...It was strange and new for me..it started me thinking about this very thing...Our marriage had been rocky for years...so I consider myself detached a very long time.

It was just a passing...but I have thought of him many times...IT put me on such a roller coaster of confusion, and I wasn't happy with my actions, that I really think I am not ready...I was a chatter box...stressed...happy...eager...and that's not who I am..

I also believe with my NPD WH, and the issues we already have in D....it would not be a good idea.. at all...it was nice to see a spark...Ill treasure it a while.

and it might be a while..Im 60...how do you date at 60? it was hard to date at 25...I don't think there are many 60 plus singles in my area...Im just going to focus on peace...that would be nice...Im not real interested in meeting online... STXWH is NPD...don't want to risk that again.

I recently told my family, about the pending D..they had no idea...we kept it private...they are absolutely shocked...they liked WH...they cant believe the things that have transpired...and each one of them said the same thing...OMG!!! your 60...what will you do? you will be alone for the rest of your life....he left you when you got old? IT didn't build my self esteem...

I love the beach...I just want someone to go to the beach with...

Wh has had a girlfriend for 1.5 yrs...and dated most of our marriage.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:25 AM, March 4th (Monday)]

seeker16 posted 3/4/2019 00:17 AM

We legally separated in Oct. 2018 and my ex was dating by Nov. It was someone I kind of suspected but not who I actually expected if that makes sense (I'm pretty sure the talks started before the split which would make EA #3 or #4, who the F is counting now?)

Anyway, I decided to join online dating on Jan 1 of this yr. So to answer your question I waited about 3 months after the "official" separation, though we actually separated earlier last yr. I chose not to purse anything until the legal separation and after confirming she had moved on.

I have been on 3 dates, 2 different women. Still felt guilty as hell, so I'm still not sure if I'm ready, but I have been with the same woman for 19 yrs...so its hard. One of those dates I really felt a connection, but unfortunately she did not.

Bobbi_sue posted 3/4/2019 05:33 AM

I did.
I threw my XH out very soon after the last D-day and he moved in with the OW. I was quite determined to start dating right away. I recall the first date was very hard and I most likely ruined it by "not being ready" and talking about my X and hurting for far too much of the time. But I had to start somewhere. This was in the early '90s before widespread Internet. At that time you could put personal ads in the paper, similar to today's online dating except you did not get to see a pic of the potential dates! I met quite a few people that way though none actually worked out long term.


Life is too short to be put on hold for a year or two while waiting for a D. That is my philosophy. I regret some things in my life, but not that.

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