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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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Unhinged posted 7/13/2019 00:02 AM

They are archived, but not accessible except through member archives. In other words, you can access a thread through your own profile only if you've posted on that thread.

demolishedinside posted 7/13/2019 06:47 AM

Thanks, Unhinged. No worries there. We’ve all posted!


Lionne posted 7/13/2019 11:13 AM

If he knew how you were feeling, would he make a different decision?

Since I only refer to it as "the tucking boat" and have many times suggested firebombing I'm certain he's figured it out.

He lives like Scarlet O'Hara "I'll think of that tomorrow"

I hate it. I sometimes enjoyed a little ride but not in that thing. He says no, but I suspect he had one of the whores there at some point.

[This message edited by Lionne at 11:15 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]

DestroyedWife80 posted 7/14/2019 23:19 PM

Hello ladies! I've been MIA for a few months.


I am still in counseling (since Nov, with someone who specializes in spouses of SA), which I find immensely helpful.

I started Lexpro about 3 months ago. I hate to say, but that has been the biggest & fastest boost. It was by no means my first attempt at finding peace- I went through the intense counseling, reading, self love books, etc. I literally could NOT stand it any longer. I was feeling as though I could not live knowing my husband had done those disgusting acts. Now, although still devastating, I have a more removed feeling.

The point I am at now- I have chosen to stay (for now & as long as it suits me)- for me. As I have seen so many say, this isn't fair and all of our choices suck. I have chosen what I believe to be the 'least sucky' option.

demolishedinside posted 7/15/2019 21:02 PM

I didn’t get the job. That makes nine Interviews. . WTF does God want from me ? Yep. I’m irrational. I want a chance at a life. I am tired and low. I kind of hate the world right now.

secondtime posted 7/15/2019 23:04 PM

I'm sorry, Demolished. Keep at it, though. You'll get your job.

Smjsome1 posted 7/16/2019 01:48 AM

Oh Demolished - I’m so sorry!

That’s so hard!

Smjsome1 posted 7/16/2019 01:51 AM

Lionne - today we got rid of the whore car. The “f*cking car”

One less trigger.
Also, traded it in for a high mpg compact car for me, lower costs, lower payments.
I didn’t tell him, it’s part of my escape plan. The just in case plan. The empowering me plan.

veryhurt2018 posted 7/16/2019 08:14 AM

DestroyedWife80-I'm glad you found anti-depressents. I know this is a very sticky subject, but I really believe in them and have been on them for a long time. They have helped me a lot. When this whole fiasco happened last year, I had to increase it as I became quite suicidal, but I'm past that now, thank goodness. Time can do wonders.

demolishedinside-I'm so sorry. I was sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts but I always try to look at it that the job wasn't meant for me if I didn't get it. Please stay positive.

Smjsome1-Glad you got rid of the car. Just like you with the car and Lionne with the boat, I wish I could do that with my house. Not a choice though. Ugh!!

I got home from vacation this past weekend and to be honest, it wasn't that fun. I had so much free time that I couldn't get my thoughts out of my head of what has happened in my marriage and in my life. I always say that I only have one life and I feel like it's so screwed up. It sucks. Usually when I'm home, I keep busy with my volunteering and with life but when I was away, there was so much free time, and I couldn't stop thinking. Lots of crying happened. SAWH was actually really good though because he comforted me most of the time. We talked through a lot of my thoughts but to be honest, I wish my therapist was there to explain some things. LOL.

Lionne posted 7/16/2019 08:51 AM

Well done SMJ! We traded the whoremobile in on a convertible for me years ago.
He continued in the next vehicle, the old family minivan. Not so sexy, that.
He's got the fucking boat listed for sale. He says he'll buy a small one that can be trailered.

Demolished... So sorry. It's awfully hard to stay positive. The right thing will come along. Self care sweetie...

Smjsome1 posted 7/16/2019 14:34 PM

Very hurt
Had to live in my house for a while. I completely changed it up, changed rooms around, new colors where I could afford it, paint, sheets, pillows. It helped some. Even just reorientation god furniture.


Interesting turn around on the car. I told WH that I felt like we were being lied to - and he listened! Did some research. Getting the same car but for a lot less money. Elsewhere.
He listened to me, and didn’t say anything, just called me and said “you were right, they were lying to us”

Lionne!
Does that mean he’s going to trailer it in your driveway? Ha, I just laugh seeing him all “sexy and manly in the family can”. It’s orange and carpeted in my head!

Today at EMDR we worked on sleep. Ever since the anniversary started up, I’ve gone back to not being able to sleep in the bed. So it “sbme on the love seat. We talked about when I was a kid, I would wake up and my stepfather would be silhouetted in the door way holding a gun. That I would just lie there peeking out pretending to sleep - just praying this wouldn’t be the night he killed me.
And oh yes - In japan I had a nanny who I started with at 6-8 - she told me “if you lie there is a demon who eats your toes when you sleep at night”. Now - I lived in an abusive home, so I knew I was beyond just toes .... I mean, the lies I’d told to live by 6, I was going to be lucky to have any legs left.

So just for giggles - she also told me if I threw my lost tooth over the house my biggest desire would be waiting for me on the other side. So picture me, 6-8 - lived in a two story just determined to get my tooth over that house - I inserted into a plastic ball and would throw it over and over and running back and forth - just knew there was going to be a horse on the other side, but that dang ball with my tooth never made it over.

Ha! There are some good memories!

Lionne posted 7/16/2019 16:26 PM

The mini van was a Pontiac, the one that looked like a dustbuster. It was originally mine to drive, but as soon as ds1 got his license I took over the sedan, sharing it with said son.
That van was a nightmare. Water pouring in the windshield when it was a few days old, the gear shift coming off in my hand while driving. The design insured that alternators would go bad due to too much heat, we replaced about 12 of them, we had it down to a science, buy a new one at Pep Boys, 22 minutes to remove and replace, back to Pep boys for a refund, parts are guaranteed for life.

We aren't allowed to have boats in our driveway or on the street. He'll have to clean up the garage, a task I've wanted done forever. It's full of his "projects" ie tasks he started and got bored with leaving piles like the detritus of a lost civilization. We'll see.

[This message edited by Lionne at 4:26 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

Smjsome1 posted 7/17/2019 08:41 AM

Lionne -
Well that’s a relief! Hah!

Today begins the 2nd year antiversary. I get to start it off with a bang! I have an appt for my meds to be renewed and guess what! Things changed at the clinic and I’m having to see the DR who rolled here eyes when I said he’d been diagnosed as an SA and told me she doesn’t understand why the anniversary of affair makes a difference, he had an affair, that should be “enough reason”
Shamed by a medical dr, yay. I can’t change it because I waited till the last minute to make this appt., and I’m leaving.

I slept a whopping 6 hours last night, EMDR seems to have helped.

doesitgetbetter posted 7/17/2019 13:42 PM

SMJ, I'm so sorry the Dr. made you feel bad. I have been dealing with this long enough that there's not much in life that I allow to slip by anymore. Work, home, husband, kids, friends, I let them all know when they say something that ruffles me and why. Not so I can make them mad or hurt their feelings, but so that they can be aware of how they are hurting mine. I would have told that Dr. "I'm sure you can understand how someone who lost a family member will be sad/hurt/depressed on the anniversary of that family members death.... I experienced a very real death of almost my entire marriage in a horrible and crushing way. Now, about that script.....".

I know it's still very early on for you, but I hope you will find the strength some day to speak your truth and not allow others and their ignorance to make you feel bad about where you're at.

Smjsome1 posted 7/17/2019 15:41 PM

Does it get better - hope I do, I just have to process faster!
It was just such a shock, I expected better.

Today went fast, got in and out. She and I kept it professional, she clearly thinks I’m a fo and has a get over it attitude.. Worst part really is the clinic is in my old town and I drove by the house.
It was a mess, weeds and broken stuff. I drove by fast!
Today being Day one of the anniversary, and all that, I’m just exhausted. There were a lot of feelings bubbling up.

secondtime posted 7/23/2019 08:26 AM

So. I preface this by saying I should be staying in my own lane. I understand my husband's recovery is his to own.

But I'm a little jumbled now.

As partners of SAs in recovery, do you find that being sober/them working a recovery is enough of an amend for you?

My husband wrote an apology letter to all the women he's fantasized about for objectifying them. On one hand, I feel pretty OK about that.

However, it's starting to grind my gears now, that we're almost 2.5 years out from his relapse...almost 2 years now working his steps..

And, he writes a letter apologizing to the women he's objectified, but nothing directed specifically towards me.

DH buys into the 12 step kool-aid that his sobriety is his way of making amends to me. I'm not stupid. His recovery is for himself first and foremost. Any benefits I get as his spouse are a by-product, not the main focus, of his work.

Yes. He's apologized to me. Yes, he repeats the script I gave him when I tell him I'm feeling low.

He claims he's changing on the inside. Do I see an outwardly manifestation of him being a new man?

Nope.

Infact, he's still blameshifting and and being defensive when he makes a big mistake. He also thinks he's entitled to my trust, now, after almost 2.5 years of being sober. If we talk about the fact that I don't trust him...then he turns it back on me...that I only see him as an addict and nothing more.

But, now it stings a little, that all his fantasies got a heart-felt, non-spoon fed apology...and the wife..the person who ultimately is the one that has to pay for something I didn't know about...well, I get nothing.

My husband is well aware of the fact that I do not consider his sobriety to be how he makes amends to me. He's really done nothing since I discovered his relapse to show that he's interested in righting his wrongs with me. Oh, he'll tell me he's good now, so all should be fine.


How can someone who tells me he loves me continue to treat me like I'm a second class person? Why do I come in second to his addiction even when he's sober? I'm never going to be the priority in his life, am I?


DevastatedDee posted 7/23/2019 08:44 AM

How can someone who tells me he loves me continue to treat me like I'm a second class person? Why do I come in second to his addiction even when he's sober? I'm never going to be the priority in his life, am I?

No, you aren't. If his priority isn't sobriety, he's back to being an addict which also makes you not the priority. I find it a bit weird that he's writing to women apologizing for objectifying them, but I guess that's part of SA recovery? It sounds creepy, just imagining being the recipient of such a letter.

Amends to you is a tough one. I'm trying to think of what might suffice. We're talking millions of dollars, lifetime therapy paid for, several homes in luxurious locales, maybe a giraffe in the backyard? He can't make up for what he has done to you. The "staying sober is my amend" probably works better for alcohol or drug addiction than it does for infidelity.

secondtime posted 7/23/2019 09:04 AM

I know the letter sounds creepy. But I'm glad DH is coming to terms with the fact that he's a user. That's one of the things that's made me sad about his addiction...that he uses women.

I guess my point is I don't even feel like I'm the priority even when he is sober. By that, I mean worthy of some sort of effort.

I don't know what I want for amends this time. The first time, I got the big gesture, a beautiful ring. I think I'd be satisfied with an original apology from him...rather than one where I tell him exactly what to say and when to say it.


Somber posted 7/23/2019 21:51 PM

Second time


Why do I come in second to his addiction even when he's sober? I'm never going to be the priority in his life, am I?

I could write the same word right now. I am realizing that I will never be a priority. I feel that he will never truly have the insight into the effects his behaviour has had on me; therefore, I will receive very little empathy from him.

It’s not fair!! I just want to be validated for once. When I bring up my feelings and trust concerns as well, the subject is slightly refocused elsewhere. I just told him that I have never felt more alone even after talking to him. I don’t want to tell him what I need, I figure after all he has done he should be outwardly showing his effort. But, although sober, his effort is on being sober. So the effort and focus will always be on him.

These letters are strange, I couldn’t imagine receiving such a letter. Especially as most of these OW were lied too and have no idea about his SA. Maybe it is important for him to identify the reason behind his actions...and it could be good practice for when he finally writes you a letter..

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/24/2019 20:06 PM

I'm not sure about SA's 12 step, maybe it's different, but in AA, you're supposed to try to make amends with everyone you can, as long as contact with that person would not be harmful to either party in some way, or if it's just not possible (like the person died, or moved away and you can't find contact info or something like that).

In cases like that, they discuss "living amends." The point being that in choosing not to engage in the behaviors that hurt that other person, the addict is living their amends to them.

But I don't see how that would apply to your spouse. You're not dead, or out of contact, and you are saying that you want an apology, so he knows it wouldn't hurt you.

I don't see why it wouldn't be just as important, if not more so, to apologize to your spouse. I mean obviously you can only control yourself, and if he won't do it, he won't do it. But I don't think that you should let it slide if it's something you want.

Hell, I found myself apologizing to XH all the time when I would slip and get really angry and shame him for the SA behavior. He was the one screwing me over, relapsing constantly, and yet I could recognize that shaming him wasn't a good way to go about it, and I would say sorry. The least they can do is apologize to us! Don't settle for less than you deserve!

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