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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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DevastatedDee posted 4/19/2019 09:31 AM

I find it interesting that I was on Lexapro when I was with WH because I was battling suicidal thoughts and was so depressed I could barely function and so anxious that I couldn't concentrate on anything. Now that I'm not with him, I'm off Lexapro and not missing it at all.

There's something very wrong with a relationship that requires an otherwise mentally okay partner to be on psychiatric medication in order to function.

sami1234 posted 4/19/2019 14:57 PM

Antidepressants are tricky things. I know that some worked better for me and some I couldn't tolerate, so if you think you need help and something does't work please talk to your doctor and you may find one that causes less side effects for you. IMHO they kind of numb you out a bit, take the edges off your personality but that may be needed.

Funny, I gave up the antidepressants I had been on for years on Dday. Why? I think they made me tolerate some pretty ugly treatment from him. I just didn't care so much how he treated me. Now? I come unraveled pretty quickly and he sees that I won't tolerate him ignoring my requests and I won't tolerate his demands. I do see my behavior on AD's as contributing to his issues and definitely not solving them. Not that it's my fault, but I did not hold him accountable and as a result he became more entitled and selfish. I've always been a very patient person, but my shorter fuse is better for our relationship,

Somber posted 4/19/2019 16:28 PM

There's something very wrong with a relationship that requires an otherwise mentally okay partner to be on psychiatric medication in order to function
.

So true! I never thought of it that way but yes normally I have always been mentally stable until in this marriage. I am just wondering why it has taken me so long to recognize it and draw the line! The term rugsweeping I never like as it sounds intentional. I certainly rug swept; however, I was never really conscious of it. Denial and fear are behind it I think.
This toxic pattern has become my norm. It wasnít until I started sharing my experience openly that I saw the depths of the dysfunction.

Good to hear some of you also tried antidepressants and some are off of them. My new focus is being healthy mentally for my kids so I will certainly revisit my doctor if I feel I need to try something else.

Lionne posted 4/19/2019 20:49 PM

I also have a prescription for ativan. I use it very infrequently, but I find I need it when I wake at 3am and start perseverating.

I know I tolerated unacceptable things. I hang on to the analogy of the frog in the cool water, as the heat gradually increases the frog is boiling to death before really it. We get inured to the crap.

My husband was treated with celexa for many years as his GP diagnosed chronic depression. It didn't help and may have hurt as he escalated his addiction. He was advised by many doctors to see a psychiatrist for proper diagnosis. Rock bottom and my ultimatum got him there.


There's something very wrong with a relationship that requires an otherwise mentally okay partner to be on psychiatric medication in order to function.

Oh wow! THIS is golden...

bookworm19 posted 4/20/2019 06:30 AM

If I'm not allowed to post in this forum since my partner is not a SA, I appologize. I just couldn't help myself to post a big thankyou to DevastadedDee for this

There's something very wrong with a relationship that requires an otherwise mentally okay partner to be on psychiatric medication in order to function.

This made me so sad, because it's so true. I was rugsweeping like crazy and drinking like crazy. One day I got angry, stopped drinking and rugsweeping all at once. It was scary but good and like Sami1234 said

I've always been a very patient person, but my shorter fuse is better for our relationship

Thank you all!

DevastatedDee posted 4/20/2019 08:27 AM

Thank you! It's not only SAs that drive a BS to medication in order to function, that's for sure.

Lost63 posted 4/20/2019 08:59 AM

Why is everyone here? Why are we not gone and leading lives without these men who harm us? Being the person we were prior to these soul destroying situations... I am three years out from what appears to be him 'behaving" BUT - We have not had a physical relationship in two years, he doesnt question it...Due to my income he got to be on a property that he has always dreamed of , claims he does not go to prostitutes any longer ( years before me also) ... Happy where he is now... We dont even have the conversation anymore? Is it normal to not have sex for two years? And him be OK about it?

secondtime posted 4/20/2019 11:27 AM

Why is everyone here? Why are we not gone and leading lives without these men who harm us?

I have four kids with my husband, 1-15. For that reason alone, I cannot lead a life without him.

I also didn't marry just for love. I married for partnership to get through life, to handle the logistics of existing..

Now. I understand that this comes at great expense.

I am here because there's still a lot to work through, and this is really my only outlet.

For us, lack of sex in our relationship has never indicated anything "normal." In the past, it was indication that his addiction was escalating. Now, it means I'm not feeling like he's a safe enough partner. We don't talk much any more about the first reason. But, we do talk about the second.

marji posted 4/20/2019 14:37 PM

Lost Different people stay for different reasons; some stay even though they are no longer living and loving or fooling around like before; each of us needs find what works best for us and what we find works best can change over time and it can take time to figure that out.

Is it normal to not have sex for two years? What is normal? Who is normal? Who has the answers to such questions? Maybe there are better ones such as "Is this relationship making me happy" or "would I be happier, more content if I separate from . . ?" or "am I doing the best for me?" Maybe instead of wondering what is normal we might ask, if it wise for to stay? Am I doing all I possibly can to find out what is best for me?

dontsaylovely posted 4/20/2019 15:17 PM

Why are we here? We all have our reasons. Initially I stayed because I loved him. As the revelations and disclosure info sank in the love faded but my chronic illness kicked up (chicken/egg?) and now 59 years old staying makes financial and healthcare sense. Surely not the life I wanted and I grieve daily for the younger me that had so much hope and so much going for her.

Many stay for children and/or financial reasons. In that regard this infidelity doesn't seem to be different than any other. We are all hopeful they will heal and be the partner we thought they were. Some can be - with a lot of work - and others haven't hit their rock bottom to do what it takes.

dontsaylovely posted 4/20/2019 15:22 PM

S13new. It doesn't appear anyone acknowledged your post. Don't know if you're still around or checking in. It does sound like your WH is a SA. Has he taken the test? Had a session with a CSAT? You say you're 40 and married 6 years. I married at 34 and thought I had met my soulmate, love of my life. Found out about the double life after 20 years of marriage. I think I would have RUN had I found out when I was a healthy 40 year old. But then again I always thought, no matter what, I would leave a cheater. And I didn't/haven't after finding out.

For an addict, hanging on to their addiction is usually more important than us. Sadly. Hope you're hanging in and taking care of you.

Cally1975 posted 4/21/2019 21:16 PM

I haven't been in in a couple weeks. I started therapy and have been doing lots of reflecting and trying to heal me. This is the hardest thing I have ever encountered. Also with the help of therapists we are trying to work towards reconcilation. I have given this marriage a 1 year commitment to try.
I see my SA husband trying very hard. But to be honest I would be lying if I didn't say I was petrified. I am just curious after D-day did you all see big changes in your spouses? Was it short term?
Here are some big changes so far...
1. He is attending counseling with a CSAT. This therapist gives him weekly assignments in a work book. And my husband is actually doing the work. The therapist trained under Dr. Patrick Carnes and Dr. Robert Weiss
2. He is attending 12 step meetings and actually speaking and reaching out to other members by calling or texting.
3. He is attending church every week. Also reading in a daily devotional bible.
4. He is also now doing a weekly meditation at another 12 step group. This was highly recommended by his therapist.
5. He is way more open to talk and answers questions I have. He seems to have empathy towards me and what I am going through.
6. Every night in bed he is automatically holding me. He comes up randomly and gives a hug throughout the day. He is texting more and calling more. For me this is huge because he became very distant. He actually had an easter basket he made up for me today which shocked me.
7. He has carefully adhered to my complete boundary list which is pretty lengthy. He even added something to that list because he felt an urge to click on porn. He said he thought we needed to add an accountability app to his phone.
It angered me he would even have an urge. But at least he admitted it and refrained. His therapist is working hard on accountabilty and busting up the double life.
8. The sex is completely different. He is considerate and loving. He doesn't get off and jump up out of bed immediately. He holds me and tells me he loves me and falls asleep while holding me.
Now he isn't cured. This will take a long time. There is going to be ups and downs. We had a set back last week where we were at a concert and I seen him looking at a woman in a very provacative outfit. It hurt tremendously and I let him know that. He couldn't even appologize in the moment. He didn't defend he was just silent and shamed. But he went to a meeting and asked advice from a long time recovered addict. He told him to imagine that was someones daughter, granddaughter,mother, etc. He wouldn't want his family treated that way. Then he brought it up to his therapist. He then appologized to me and said he actually had shame about this and he knows he needs to work harder. He said he is working to create boundaries in this area. And that the man had a great point that really made him feel shame.

Has anyone here ever had such profound experiences with their SA? I guess I am scared that this is smoke and mirrors as they say. I am also listening intently to my gut this time. And all feels okay. As far as mentally it hurts brutally and I know that will take a long time. It will also take a lot of therapy.
I have also given this to God. I can feel him working in both of our lives. Somehow I just know I will be okay no matter if this works or not.

maise posted 4/21/2019 22:49 PM

Hello,

My WS is a self-defined sex addict. I wanted to know how your WS figured they were sex addicts and what characteristics they had to come to this conclusion? Iíve read about the 4-step cycle by Cranes; Preoccupation, Rituals, Compulsive sexual behavior, and Despair.

My WS was preoccupied (with fantasy, and sex thoughts daily)....of course had a ritual of relying on sex with the long term AP to escape sadness, depression, or anxiety. Iím not sure if I could define the sex act with the AP as compulsive as it was planned days in advance and calculated in order to be achieved, and finally - my WS has no despair over the act.

On the other hand, WS did use sex to escape feelings of depression, and anxiety, and to feel in control and powerful.

But does that mean WS is a sex addict? Because the sex was used wrong?

secondtime posted 4/22/2019 06:19 AM

Cali-

It does sound like your husband has recovery plan that will be successful.

I, too, saw big changes that should have pointed to my husband being able to successfully work his recovery..though not quite so soon. My husband is slow ..always has been.

Unfortunately, for my husband, what he thought was "hard work" actually wasn't. Don't get me wrong, he did work hard, but it was still likely C or D work at best, in hindsight.

My husband fully acknowledges that he's working his recovery harder now..after I discovered he was slipping on his way to relapsing..that after DDay1.

Because of my background, I also don't think I demanded enough of DH after DDay1. I was like "oh, look he's talking to me and engaging others..That must be good." But, upon reflection, he still was avoiding being vulnerable and still lying to protect his addiction. I wish I had a better understanding of where he was 7 years ago. I could have made some much different choices.

Lost63 posted 4/22/2019 06:29 AM

I know there are many and varied reasons to Stay... I just wonder if any of us really know how much it reduces us...not just who we were prior , but the affect on who we can possibly be...And that the confidence stolen from us sets a path that we would not normally have taken...

We go with the flow, the path of least resistance ... To what end? A life of insecurity , a life of what ifs, a life where that spectacular sunrise is dulled and grey by our pain , do things look the same as when we were happy?...It just seems like many of us are simply settling for a lesser life...We miss out on the joy of life when we are dealing with such pain...That those who created it are so oblivious to...


[This message edited by Lost63 at 6:37 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

whoami62 posted 4/22/2019 08:19 AM

I am still hoping to become a success story , to be honest.
So for now, I stay while we are embarking on a new path towards recovery with a new team of counselors.

I haven't given up all hope, although I am not too far from that

demolishedinside posted 4/22/2019 11:36 AM

Mine did a lot of work. Yes, he did the workbook and even shared his answers. He went to weekly therapy and group. He did go to some SA meetings, but he did not find one where he felt supported. In the end, it didnít matter. All he needed was someone willing. And truthfully, donít people have to be either flirting or sending out some kind of signal to even get to the point where youíd know someone else was willing? So my guess is that even while he was attending all that therapy and group and telling me he was doing well and being more vulnerable, he was flirting or crossing some boundary to get to the point where she feels comfortable telling him sheíd give him a bj. (Because omg! That does not happen in my world. Iíve never had that happen in over 20 years and certainly never outside of a bar). He had to have been lying to himself all along. I donít think he wants to hurt me. I just donít think he can ever change. Now my kids will pay the price.

secondtime posted 4/22/2019 12:22 PM

He had to have been lying to himself all along.

I think this is key. My husband lied to himself a lot, actually. He just wasn't ready for real recovery the first time around.

I think it's better this time around. The first time, it took him 7 years to accept that he was an addict after DDay1. Now it's only taken two years for him to see that still has more work beyond engaging in the 12 step tradition.

As a partner, though, I think it's hard to tell if our spouse is lying to themselves. I'm not sure how to "know for sure" whether or not it is happening.

We miss out on the joy of life when we are dealing with such pain...That those who created it are so oblivious to...

I don't know, necessarily, that I would make those assumptions here. I don't view this particularly as a social board. So, my discussions here are limited to my husband's SA. It doesn't seem like this is the place to start talking about the things that I find joy in my life.

My husband is also very aware of what he's done to us..especially this time. He's dealing with the consequences..

[This message edited by secondtime at 12:23 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

DevastatedDee posted 4/22/2019 17:04 PM

I know there are many and varied reasons to Stay... I just wonder if any of us really know how much it reduces us...not just who we were prior , but the affect on who we can possibly be...And that the confidence stolen from us sets a path that we would not normally have taken...
We go with the flow, the path of least resistance ... To what end? A life of insecurity , a life of what ifs, a life where that spectacular sunrise is dulled and grey by our pain , do things look the same as when we were happy?...It just seems like many of us are simply settling for a lesser life...We miss out on the joy of life when we are dealing with such pain...That those who created it are so oblivious to...

Lost, you described so eloquently what was in my mind after DDay even when my WH was trying. Like if I stayed, I was actively choosing the dark cloud over my life. It tormented me to the point where when my WH relapsed on drugs, I was relieved and jumped into my Plan B with more energy than I thought I still possessed. The whole thing was sad and awful and yet I felt like I was choosing to live again. It still seems surreal when I look back and realize that within 30 days I had cashed out my 401k, house-hunted, packed all of mine and my kids' belongings, worked 40 hours per week, closed on a house and moved. I mean...that's insane. I think it's that I was running towards something more than I was running away. It was as if I could see the sunshine on the other side. And yes, it sucks and it's hard and all that stuff, but it's also wonderful. I don't have the black cloud over my head anymore.

Cally1975 posted 4/22/2019 18:11 PM

Secondtime,
Thanks for the response. I can only hope he will recover and is working towards it. It definitely is a scary situation. I also because of my backround have a hard time being demanding. But with therapy and S-Anon meetings I am learning lots about that. In fact this past weekend he was given my list of non negotiable boundaries. A list meaning if crossed means divorce. Then negotiable boundaries. Negotiable meaning if crossed then I need and will implement boundaries for myself to make me feel safe. He accepted them and has his copy. He says he is thankful to have this chance to prove himself.
Whoami I hope with the right help you will be a success story. Mine.is still way to early to tell. But he is trying.

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