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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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demolishedinside posted 4/5/2019 17:26 PM

Iíd never have known if she hadnít messsged me. He is a pro at keeping secrets. He spent a month in another state and let me quit my job and he still did not tell me. I fear there is a lot i donít know. Iím too scared now. I fear Iím jaded so should not weigh in on hopeful posts. You know I want only the best for all of you. I feel very alone in that he WAS doing all the right things and yet, he could be with someone again. Itís such a full on mindfuck after years of work.

sami1234 posted 4/5/2019 19:20 PM

demolishedinside: honestly I think all we ever know is the tip of the iceberg! Sad but true when it comes to any addiction.

My WH has been supportive upon finding out about my positive HPV result. Good for him. He said and did everything he should have done. Sadly that sometimes I wish he hadn't because it would make it easier to leave...as it is...he's doing it right. So I am still here. Why does that frustrate me? Shouldn't I be happy?

Do any of us ever feel like we have made the "right" decision to stay or go? Whichever way it ends up for me I don't think I will quantify it like that...just that I made the best decision for me at the time.

demolishedinside posted 4/5/2019 19:36 PM

I know you are right. Itís not like either choice feels like a good one...or like a choice at all in some ways.

I wish we just knew so we could process it. Even headed toward D, I wish I knew. Iím not sure why it matters.

My heart hurts for your positive result. Sending hugs and support from here.

secondtime posted 4/5/2019 20:56 PM

I've got lots of anger going on.

DH is all like "what's up." I'm not talking to him right now, because

1) I'm going to be foul-mouthed and push his buttons and

2) Telling him again, how he's self-centered, is getting really old.

I'd much rather focus on making the definition of insanity my computer, phone, etc wall paper so that I can just detach. And my therapist had a point yesterday. If I keep telling him how he's still thinking selfishly, eventually, I'll sound like the adults from the peanuts.

I need to succumb to the idea that he can't do what's needed to really recover. Or he won't. Either way, it is what it is.

whoami62 posted 4/5/2019 22:38 PM

Ugh !!! Why do we have to be subjected to this ???

My SAWH said all of the same crap that he told me after Dday 1 and 2...on the phone because I will not see him face to face.

I have no reason to believe that he is going to do the real work it is going to take to get his impulses under control or stop acting out...

The best I can say is that he is respecting my boundaries. I am scheduled to have a tooth pulled Tuesday morning and he is begging to take me ( he just loves a woman in need )

I told him I have made other arrangements and he would be so embarrassed if he knew who it was with...one of our neighbor's husband ,who used to be our PCP and is semi retired... I am friendly with his wife , who I asked and she is busy...but he is willing.

If this didn't happen with my recent discoveries, I would have wanted my H to take me, but I feel the need to make him feel left out and punished.

Oddly , this same thing happened at Dday2 when I was having an endoscopy

ashestophoenix posted 4/6/2019 14:29 PM

Somber, my husband, who I think is fairly sober, acts like his addiction was like the flu. Something he suffered from for a while and now it's gone. The reality is that it was much deeper than that. It eventually became who he was. The "secret" life was his real life...that's where his emotions were and that's where his meaning was. His "false public" life...that was an act. He sort of gets this and sort of doesn't. But he also still minimizes it all with me.

For example, I work as a finance officer for a non-profit. I gave a 10 minute interview on video for our annual meeting. My husband is a member of this non-profit so he had a chance to see this video. I had received good feedback about the video. My husband, weeks after the video was made available to him, tells me, "I watched your video. You look young. Younger than you are. No one would know your age." That's it. I asked him if he remembered anything I had said, and the answer was "no." I told him he was STILL OBJECTIFYING me and that he is obsessed with how women look. And, he's still an addict. But, in his mind, since he's not off searching for his perfect one he can still do this crap and think he's not an addict.

I thought I was immune to this kind of awfulness, but I'm not. His tone when he told me wasn't loving. It was weirdly defensive. And I finally got him to admit that he feels competitive with me and insecure about how young I look compared to him. Is that f'ed up or what?

ashestophoenix

[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 2:31 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Shocked123 posted 4/7/2019 09:06 AM

Astrophoenix,
Love your flu analogy. I keep pointing that out to my H who flatly refuses to accept that his habit was an addiction or at the very least a compulsion. He claims to have no interest any longer given the hurt he has caused me but when I do ask why he did it, he can't explain.
So this very habit that was the center of your life, the one thing your turned to to make your life bearable is now over and you can't explain why you can deal with life now and are suddenly happy and don't need it anymore.
Things that make you go hmmmm....
He needed sexual activity with strangers behind my back in order to feel better. Now he no longer does but says he's happy with me and our family.
Just like that, 12 years miserable, I find out and bang, he's now ok. But it wasn't an addiction; he could have stopped anytime; he never thought about it between appointments.
Yeah, right.

Shocked123 posted 4/7/2019 09:19 AM

Astrophoenix,
Your H resents that you look so much younger, but you are! Surely he knew that when he married you!
My H has admitted to being jealous of me all those years because I make friends easily and seem happy.
Ok, so why didn't you marry a miserable lonely person if that's what you wanted?
They are so hard to understand. I guess a lot of it comes down to emotional maturity, as many have pointed out.

veryhurt2018 posted 4/7/2019 09:24 AM

He claims to have no interest any longer given the hurt he has caused me but when I do ask why he did it, he can't explain.
Shocked123 - This is called the "Pink Cloud". Here is the definition:

"Some sex addicts experience the opposite of withdrawal in early recovery. This is known as the honeymoon or the pink cloud. These lucky individuals find that when they embark on the path of healing, they suddenly lose all desire to act out sexually. They are fascinated by the insight they are developing and thrilled to have finally found a solution to their deepest problem. This temporary phase of early recovery is great while it lasts. However, sex addicts who are riding the pink cloud should be aware that their desire to sexually act out will return, and it may be stronger than ever when it does. If this eventuality is not anticipated and prepared for, it is easy to either relapse or to think that something has gone wrong in the healing process. In reality, there is no need for relapse, and nothing is amiss with recovery. Instead, this is a normal part of the process and the addict is simply experiencing a delayed form of withdrawal."

[This message edited by veryhurt2018 at 9:26 AM, April 7th (Sunday)]

demolishedinside posted 4/7/2019 09:49 AM

Oh my. Wish Iíd seen that definition two years ago. He absolutely said he had no desire to act out for three years. . But then he did.

whoami62 posted 4/7/2019 10:28 AM

I think I found a source for a new IC for me...recommended by SAWH's IC..a practice that specializes in SA and partners of SA.
I feel that this is what I need at this point. The director answered my email on Friday night, within an hour of me sending it..took time from his vacation to call me and let me know that an appointment will be made for me this week.

I will have to travel over an hour , but that is no longer an issue for me if it means that I can get the support and counseling that I need.

It might mean that my H will be getting additional treatment as well and they seem to emphasize MC as part of their program.

He still has a lot of work to do on himself and I need to protect myself from further impact

marji posted 4/7/2019 11:18 AM

OMG, Shocked What you have written here is exactly what my H has said now for 3 years and 7 months. And I mean exactly.

In the beginning I had exactly the same reaction and disbelief as you. The only response, such as it were, that my H came up with was "stress"--the parlors were an escape from the stress of work.

Well, yes, Im sure it was an escape. But like you I wondered how, given how effective a d-stressor the activity, he could just give it up, have no desire, no urge, no thought.

He went regularly to the SA meetings but said he didn't relate bc the men there spoke about constant thoughts, feelings, urges, temptations and that was foreign to him. Said he never even had such thoughts and feelings when he was away from the parlors. The ICs called is compartmentalization and that my H was particularly good at that.

He also said, that unlike, the others, he never felt guilt or shame; felt no ethical concern, no remorse and never had any doubt that when he retired he would cease the visits.

I found that all unbelievable.

But it's so long now and he still says he feels the same.

And I don't really know. I've read it's possible that once they are discovered they can lose all interest; some ICs have said the same.

I know that people can differ widely in all sorts of ways. I know that substance addicts can lose interest; cigarettes are one of the most addictive substances and many people give up smoking--and not just give up the activity but lose all interest--even find it repulsive.

So who knows? Im open to the possibility that my H truly has no interest in doing what he did. Trouble is, what he did has destroyed my respect and affection. His choice and my discovery of it has created a new relationship-not horrible-sometimes a decent enough platonic style relationship-but not one that I would have wanted, not one that feels like the other couples I see around me.

But again, different people react in different ways; you are still new to this, Shocked, so I hope that you will be in a different and better place five years from now. From what you have shared, your H is really working to be a best husband; he really does love you and you him and that love is the essential ingredient for a better future.

Superesse posted 4/7/2019 14:09 PM

marji, veryhurt, shocked and all of us: this Pink Cloud definition I have never seen before, but it might really explain the 12 years my SAWH was supposedly temptation-free? I will tell you, when he decided to act out again, he didn't go halfway: he got himself arrested for soliciting another prostitute....After 12 YEARS of R?

Tell me more about this theory.

marji posted 4/7/2019 17:57 PM

Super It's just a thought at Robert Weiss's website. Seems he's started his own business. The quotation can be Googled and his site appears. Don't think any of us should be taking any of this as science. What you said about the Imago theory not being well tested, evidence based, and recognized in scientific journals holds true for all these theories and self described SA theorists. '

That being said, don't think any of us whose H's did what they did, can safely assume that they would never do what they did again I know I couldn't assume that--but it's also not the case that one day they necessarily will. It's all iffy and maybe. Just no certainty.

Indeed, that's what the whole breaking of the trust is about and why some of us have set certain boundaries that we never would have needed before in order to feel safe. My H's sponsor has been doing the program for over 30 years! He's not acted out in just about all of that time but he committed himself to the program just to be sure and prove his commitment to his spouse.


veryhurt2018 posted 4/7/2019 18:47 PM

Marji,
Your husbandís sponsor gives me hope!! My WH has really committed himself to the program and heís the type of guy that once he says he commits to something, he really does commit himself. That being said though, itís never been addiction, so Iím just praying he wonít slip!! Thanks for the words of encouragement. I appreciate it!!

Lionne posted 4/7/2019 19:13 PM

Heavens. I thought I had read everything about SA but the whole Pink Cloud thing is new to me. I'm asking my H about this tonight, maybe it's common among 12 steps groups.

It makes so much sense. The euphoria of early recovery, the arrogance of newcomers, the idea that this whole journey will be a piece of cake.

I guess, too, it explains why putting faith in a higher power, even if that higher power is the recovery group, the family or a red balloon. Addicts MUST accept that they are powerless in the sense that the addiction will take control again unless they seek and accept help, use tools, be accountable to someone who knows their whole story.

Active addicts are selfish assholes. I hate it.

marji posted 4/7/2019 21:46 PM

Lionne It's not a concept at my H's group and no-one at the couples group had ever heard of Robert Weiss.


But that's not to say that the description might not well fit some people--it's just that it doesn't necessarily fit all. Some relapse; some do not.

SA is not a substance addiction, but if we're going to describe their behavior as addictive, think of them as addicts, then perhaps analogy to other addictions makes sense? And people do stop habits all the time. Clearly not all people but a great many.

Perhaps Weiss just wants to emphasize the importance of vigilance--not to rest on laurels, not take things for granted. But I think that's what you are saying is so important about their working the program--doing what they have to do so they will not be powerless.

bluebird72 posted 4/7/2019 22:05 PM

Iím new posted my story , in general as Iím back and finally confronting his severe sex addiction. Heís tried an online counselor once next day denial.itís escalted to other men, minors, prostitutes sex shows,.
Itís absolutely crazy and Iím losing my mind any ideas where to start Iím in counseling, reading, I think he needs treatment itís been probably forty years as he started as a child. What to do. Please anyone pm me I so need support as its effecting my health.we (the family) gave him an ultimatum of treatment and see a dr as extremes so intense. I donít know who he is and the lies .just wow. weíve lived apart three years now I get the silent treatment since the ultimatum Heís not ok and I definitely am not. Iím scared we had tried reconciling. Itís a roller coaster and heís enabled by a brother worse than he is.

demolishedinside posted 4/8/2019 05:52 AM

Bluebird, you canít R with an active addict. Heís not only addictive but escalating and not seeking help. Please take care of yourself. Have you seen a lawyer to get facts rather than just the threats heís telling you?

We are here to listen. Sending hugs and support.

Somber posted 4/8/2019 08:46 AM

Ashes,

The flu...an interesting viewpoint. I think my WH views it the same. Currently, he is declaring his love for me and that he now realizes how much he hurt me and is committed to me. He thinks he can just stop his behavior and I should somehow believe him and be comforted by his words. He is over the "flu" as he sees the pain it causes me and we should just move on as a happy family.
The false public life...yep that is so true too.

Too bad your WH didnt recognize all the amazing valid points you made in your video. At least is was recognized and complimented by others.

I understand that feeling of being objectified. It creates such a disconnect from what we truly seek. Our worth is reduced to our physical appearance. Then we start to evaluate ourselves based on this. It is a red flag that I missed in our relationship as in the beginning I saw it as sexual desire for me. I think women are even taught to objectify themselves with the media, movies and even beauty product adds. It is almost such a part of the air we breathe that it makes it harder to see it in our relationships. The main moment I acknowledged the objectification is when my WH, knowing I was upset about his infidelities, asked me to just stand there and pretty much let him pleasure himself while looking at me. Stating I didn't even have to touch or look at him. It hurt and I told him I refused to be used as an object by him. But I allowed it in the past many times...


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