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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/30/2019 21:48 PM

Thanks for the podcast recommendation! I will have to check it out. Though lately Iíve been listening to comedy podcasts as an escape, I feel like I get enough about infidelity and sexual addiction via this forum as well as my two therapists

PNW, IMO keep keeping it to yourself and collecting if you feel like he will minimize/gaslight. Communication is important of course, but he has already learned how to lie to you pretty effectively, thereís not much that will keep them from doing that.

My XHís favorite excuse for being an asshole was stress, and would often cite me as a contributor to that stress. But then would turn around and apologize, saying he of course wanted nothing but to be with me.

Found out post DDay he was snorting meth, calling escorts, and meeting up with random women - not sure from where, I assume from dating apps and sites because their phone numbers didnít match the escorts - when he said he was going out of town for business or to see family. Point is, even when I knew there was something off, I would have never known how elaborate his lies were because I was too mentally exhausted to really dig for information.

The mindfuckery will drive you insane if you let it. Do what youíve got to do to preserve your sanity.

PNW82 posted 3/31/2019 14:38 PM

My husband I are always together. We do almost everything together. We also work in the same hospital in the same department just different areas. He used to work at night and i was days. He would spend his whole morning calling sex chat lines while i was at work. I would be so stressed at work because I knew what he was doing. We are both day shift now
he just gets off work a little earlier than me. When its getting close to him getting off work my anxiety really starts building up because I feel he is going to relapse. I told him yesterday when he left work that my anxiety was getting worse when he leaves. After he left work he sent me a sweet text that made me feel better. I know what happened is in the past(D-day 2 was 6 months ago.)But how do I let the past stay in the past? The emotion of it all just keeps coming back.

ashestophoenix posted 3/31/2019 19:28 PM

PNW, I don't think we can just let it stay in the past. That wouldn't be wise. I can't remember...is your husband in an active recovery program? He needs to rebuild trust with you. He needs to be transparent and reliable. You need to see significant changes in his behavior before you can trust him. And if we can't trust, we're going to be fearful and anxious.

It takes time combined with an active commitment to recovery by our partners. I've been at this six years with my husband in active recovery and I still don't completely trust him. On the other hand, I've really detached from him so I don't care as much. But, and this is important, with all that I've learned about this addiction and with my work to not be in denial and see my husband more clearly, I'll trust my gut when something is off.

ashestophoenix

ashestophoenix posted 3/31/2019 19:35 PM

I know I've talked about hating the term co-dependent, but I actually see now that both my husband and I had issues with emotional dependence. My MC told my husband that he believes my husband is so desperately emotionally dependent on me (my husband says "If she divorces me I will die.") and that he resents that dependence. That's why he turns around and is cruel and verbally abusive to me. He resents needing me so much. It's not that we have a love/hate relationship. He has a need/hate relationship with me. No love there at all. It seems powerfully true.

So my husband wants security; not intimacy. And, painfully, I think I settled for that myself when it became clear wasn't getting intimacy with my husband.

So the abuse is designed to destroy our self esteem so we won't leave. Ugh. And this goes on even with sobriety.

I told my husband and my MC that I am ready to divorce and my husband needs to stop being an asshole to me and stop with the verbal abuse. I said "I can't stop his abuse" and for the first time in an MC session, my MC said, "That's right. Only he can stop it."

My MC told my husband that he needs to take responsibility for understanding his emotions and instead of just reacting and lashing out, he needs to take a time out and figure out what is going on inside of himself and then calmly figure out what to say or do. You know. BE AN ADULT. But it's the first time I've had an MC directly tell my husband he needs to be responsible for managing his emotions and behavior. Not sure he can do that, but it was good to hear it.

Makes me so very sad, all of this.

ashestophoenix

[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 7:37 PM, March 31st (Sunday)]

PNW82 posted 3/31/2019 20:49 PM

My husband will never really get help he is too stubborn. he won't go to any sort of counciling or admit that it is an addiction. I told him i have been listening to that podcast and it's been helping me understand and he pretty much laughs in my face about it. Total denial on his part but I know he is trying not to hurt me again but I'm not sure if he can control his addiction. I told him I can't just sweep it all under the rug, that doesn't work for me. I will continue to help myself grow and heel and hopefully he will see that and join me in that journey.

Shocked123 posted 3/31/2019 20:50 PM

Astrophoenix.
My H ridiculed me for years in front of others. He was mean, plain and simple. He never complimented me, he never showed me any kind of affection and he basically ignored me when we went out socially. Some people didn't even pick up that we were a married couple.
He had no control over his emotions. A clogged toilet meant the entire family had to listen to his swearing and muttering about too much toilet paper. If the battery of a car was dead then it was our fault. If there was a heavy snowfall well, that was our fault too. Absolutely everything made him angry and he made sure we knew it.
It got to the point where the kids simply ate dinner with lighting speed and went to their respective rooms until the next morning.

He made fun of everything I did, about the way I looked, snorted like I pig when I reached for food and quacked like a duck if he walked behind me (apparently I waddle)
I am 5'5" 140 pounds. Not tiny but you know, not so bad....
All this to say, I get abuse, I really do. It hurts like hell and after a while you become immune to it. It's very sad.

The strange thing is, he has not as much as uttered one negative word since D Day. The behaviour completely stopped.
So the question is, why? How can he control his emotions from one day to the next? Just like that....

His explanation is that because he had this double life and felt guilty and ashamed about it, he was trying to paint a horrible picture of his life and wife in order to justify running off to see prostitutes. Once I found out and he stopped, he began to see that his life wasn't as bad as he had made it out to be, in fact, he could probably be happy if he just focused on what he had right in front of him.
That seems simple enough, right?
The problem is that unfortunately, there is a lot more to his anger and acting out than he cares to admit. He seems to think that since he has stopped seeing these women that his life is all good now. He did see a CSAT but after 3 appointments he declared that he is not a sex addict but rather just a man who behaved badly because he was unhappy.
He's happy now and will not be acting out anymore.
So just like that, I'm supposed to trust that he will no longer be abusive, and that he will no longer see other women.
It's all so simple for them, isn't it!

kickedintheknads posted 4/1/2019 10:52 AM

Update to my previous post...
We went to the first therapy session yesterday. I thought it went well. I went first, and laid it all out. Then I left the room and the therapist talked to WW for a while. When we got home, we had a long discussion, in which I demanded total disclosure as a condition of moving forward. I asked for it, I got it. Not only was she doing the online chat room sex thing, she had a year long PA with one of her chat partners. I got all the gory details. I'm still reeling from it. Part of me wants to run to the lawyer's office and file. BUT...I made a commitment to her to stand by her as she goes through the process of therapy. Just when I thought the situation was bad, it got worse. I'm in a fog right now. I still don't know exactly how I'm gonna handle this. It's like a ton of bricks has been dropped on me. I posted in the "Just Found Out" section concerning this latest revelation. My common sense tells me our marriage is most likely over. I made a commitment to see her through the therapy. If she wavers, and drops out, we are DONE. I'll see that as my commitment being nullified.

DevastatedDee posted 4/1/2019 11:18 AM

kickedintheknads, you have no responsibility to hang around for anything. I am so so sorry for the pain you're feeling and all that you're going through. She can get better with or without you. Once we have been cheated on, we don't owe the marriage or our spouses anything. We owe ourselves everything. You taking care of you is the only important thing and if that means once you can even think straight that you leave, that's perfectly legitimate and understandable. Don't hold yourself to staying at your own detriment.

kickedintheknads posted 4/1/2019 11:53 AM

DevastatedDee - Thank you for the insight. And of course, you are right. I have a conscience, and I want to walk away clean if this marriage ends that I did everything I could to save it. And "IF" it ends(Probably), I will make sure every one of her church cronies, and our mutual friend know what happened. I will rain a little shit in her world for all the pain she's inflicted on me. I won't take the blame for this failed marriage.

secondtime posted 4/1/2019 17:28 PM

How do you process that your spouse never valued you and likely never will?

That they would rather look up apartments to move out over spending 10 minutes to make you safe?

Or instead of trying to comfort you, their solution is to "help" by making it 100% harder on you?

Lionne posted 4/1/2019 18:07 PM

Selfishness. The total, all consuming trait of an addict to make it always about THEM. They love and put value (and time and energy) on the object(s) of their addiction. Literally nothing else is as important.

My new IC asked this week about our (nonexistent) sex life. He avoided or rejected me for years, and experienced a form of ED when I did pin him down He avoided any talk of sex, joking or serious and things were very ordinary, eyes tightly closed, lights off, etc. Any "spice" I tried to add was met with a disgusted reaction. And he'd be particularly nasty the next day. It's only in retrospect that I realized that he preferred masturbation, mindless, solitary sex. "I" was too messy and complicated.

It's sickness. They just don't and can't be bothered by the intricacy of real life relationships.

Sad.

marji posted 4/1/2019 20:26 PM

can't be bothered by the intricacy of real life relationships

The intricacy and the intimacy and the work of it all. Different psychosexual developments of different people taking all sorts of devious, destructive and depressing forms. Sometimes I think this stuff, their stuff, is way too complicated, too deep, for the ordinary person to understand. Also thinking that it might be ridiculous to think that of all people, they would have the depth, the maturity, the intellectual capacity to comprehend what's really going on.

So the explanation is "stress" or "depression" or "dunno" or some such variation. So they can't be bothered really exploring or figuring it all out anymore than they could be bothered by the intricacy of real life relationships.

sami1234 posted 4/1/2019 21:09 PM

I've been off this thread a bit but had a wakeup call today and need some advice. Had my Pap smear results today and got a positive HPV result. Never had that before. I've been researching the internet like a mad woman, I understand that it can lie dormant for months up to 20 years and there is no test for HPV for a man? Ugh!! My dDay was almost 4 years ago. It is absolutely conceivable that this HPV came from his Dday activities in 2015. We have been married over 35 years so that's much longer than any 20 years. Plus the type of individuals he had sex with...wow...such high risk for everything! Now I have to go in for a biopsy. I'm pretty much in shock right now, thought we had gotten past all this STD stuff. I didn't know there was an STD that there was no male test for!!?? Apparently HPV is just that! We are doing pretty well in R but now here comes this hurdle. I guess infidelity is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. I have to call tomorrow for an appt for the biopsy because HPV can cause cervical cancer. I really think I'm too much in shock right now to be angry or even know how I will bring this up to him. He is out of town on business right now for a few days. I will wait until he is back to discuss...I dunno...maybe I will be angry by then. Maybe I will never let him touch me again. I am just so confused. I am digesting and reading all I can on the internet. I understand the HPV is pretty common...but I've never tested positive before. Has anyone else been through this?

veryhurt2018 posted 4/2/2019 04:54 AM

sami1234- First of all, Iím so sorry youíre going through this! Itís definitely no fun!! This same thing happened to me in 2010, and I had to have a procedure to remove the cells. At the time, I didnít know about my WHís cheating so he blamed it on my past life before him, but now I know better as he started acting out 5 years earlier. The good news is that some huge percentage of HPV strains are not the strains that cause cancer, and now they can test which strain you have. The bad news is that you definitely got this from your WHís cheating and he really needs to get checked out too! Iím going to PM you with a little more info!!

DevastatedDee posted 4/2/2019 11:04 AM

Yep, Sami. I have to go every 6 months for a pap to see how the abnormal cell growth is progressing. Maybe it will clear itself up and maybe I'll have to have a procedure to remove them. It's quite upsetting.

Ifeelalone posted 4/2/2019 12:53 PM

Sami, ugh... this is one of the things that makes me the most upset about everything... that he exposed me to all these disgusting diseases. I try and make healthy choices for myself my entire life and then he ruins that with his shit. I've never had a positive pap andt I religiously go to my appt. I'm sure it's just a matter of time. At one point he had a growth removed by his mouth that was a wart (this really should have brought up red flags to me-err)... so I know I've been exposed. Hope my immune system protects me.

FYI- the delusional lies they tell themselves are crazy- like he picked the wart up working in the health field (you know instead of licking vulva and sucking dicks)... sorry I'm being crude- but they really are disgusting.

sami1234 posted 4/2/2019 14:51 PM

This info on HPV and infidelity is VERY confusing. Like it's an STI but may/may not mean infidelity. I need more information on all of this. Well of COURSE it's from his infidelity. The timeline fits. My pap was normal but positive HPV test? I don't understand it. I need to call the dr and schedule biopsy and ask more questions but honestly I've just been sick to my stomach all day and putting it off. I hate the thought of discussing all of this with my Gyn...my GP knows of WH's history but I haven't discussed with gyn. Guess I should have.

Right after Dday my WH kept saying that he would never put me in harm's way. I took that to mean he was "careful" to use protection. (So thoughtful of him!) But it turns out with HPV that doesn't really matter. Well I know he didn't count on this and I sure didn't! AND HPV is much more of a threat to a woman's health. Add that to all the injustice we have already incurred. "sigh" One thing I did do is schedule my IC for tomorrow to discuss strategy for this one, like how do I tell him. Need to keep my head on straight. Exhausting. I'm so tired of being angry...I don't even want him to say "I'm sorry." At this point I don't even know what I want. How do we stay after being hit with something like this? Even if we think we are in R?

Lionne posted 4/2/2019 15:54 PM

This is triggery to me, too. I had an abnormal PAP test a number of years ago, corresponding to his PA. Since the doctor was also a friend, she never asked me about possible infidelity. I BEGGED him, tell me the truth, I don't want to have this procedure. He swore up and down that he hadn't screwed her. He lied. I had to have a colcoscopy, I don't care what anyone says to do that without anesthesia is barbaric. Turned out to be "just" BV, which probably was caused by his cheating...but not definitely.
I'll never understand how he could have been THAT selfish and stupid to allow me to go through that.

DogsnBooks posted 4/2/2019 16:00 PM

Any of you ladies also have sexual trauma other than this in your past?

Not really. My SAWH is the only one Iíve ever been, weíve been together since we were 16 although waited until marriage for actual p in v sex (ironic, isnít it, since he was galavanting around doing all sorts of cyber sex!). He was very pushy about sex though both before and after marriage, would try to guilt trip me and throw a hissy fit if I turned him down. I remember a particular day when I was feeling sick to my stomach (and I have emetophobia, so this is very anxiety inducing for me) and he made a crude comment along the lines of I didnít need my stomach to ďuse my mouth.Ē

Did experience physical/emotional abuse in childhood from my father.

Sami - So sorry to hear this. I donít know much about it but Iím here for you in spirit.


In other news, today is our 3 year wedding anniversary.

demolishedinside posted 4/2/2019 16:05 PM

I donít know how to explain what I want to say. I want to say that Iím lonely and sad. I canít believe I quit my job and moved, only to have a 2nd day. I mean, wtf. How does a parking lot bj trump a family, a wife, a home? I
Feel sad. Not angry. I donít yell. I just crawl into bed at night and cry for the loneliness of this life. For the loss of time with my precious kids. For the life I thought I had. Such a joke.

I canít determine if Iím deeply depressed but Iíve had two interviews and I donít want either job. These are decent places. I could probably be happy there. Why am I not ecstatic? I just feel sad. Lonely. Thatís it. I feel little else. Is that depression?

Sometimes, when heís making the kids laugh or doing a to. Of laundry or whatever, I think, ďI could just stay.Ē Then I realize that that is ridiculous. What kind of life is that? Just roommates? I DO appreciate his help. I do hope we can have a civil dissolution.

Sorry, ladies. Iím rambling. I just needed to be heard and feel less alone.

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