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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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DestroyedWife80 posted 3/23/2019 12:48 PM

HRMNZ-

Wow, your story seems very similar to mine in a lot of ways. Everything from the odd sexual leanings to the 'knowing' & snooping but not telling him you know yet.

I can tell you, I wish I would have found out more- but it's SUCH a tough call!!! I was becoming obsessed with snooping. I was not eating or sleeping. I was losing weight, looking haggard. I cried constantly. He KNEW something was wrong. I held onto my info for over a month, maybe almost 2 months.

I had MUCH the same info as you have now- reaching out to random men for NSA encounters, sexting women (some VERY ugly, some VERY pretty), he was calling escort's phone numbers and I found GPS evidence for him being there in a few cases.

I will tell you, my WH went HARDCORE denial when I confronted. Hardcore! AKA- he only called the escorts out of curiosity, he never actually did anything. The sexting was with women he had already been with before me so it wasn't really a big deal, plus he never would have met up with any of them, even if they didn't all deny him (they did, how embarrassing).

That all left me SO confused and turned around. He is an expert gaslighter. He pulls the "well, this marriage is OVER if you can't trust me again." And for some stupid reason I can't pull the plug and end it- though I want that desperately.

My biggest problem is financial. I envy women who can have the security of making a decision to stay or go NOT based on 'will I have a place to live with my child and my 2 dogs 2 cats' (rent is SUPER inflated here and I would not be able to afford somewhere safe that will accept my animals).

marji posted 3/23/2019 15:28 PM

Destroyed Just noticing that you have been married for such a short time to this man; I understand staying for financial reasons but wondering how you managed financially before you met this man if it wasn't that very long ago. Also hope you've met with a good attorney to learn what your rights and his obligations are if you separate.

DestroyedWife80 posted 3/23/2019 17:51 PM

Well, the positive is that I have a good, stable job that pays well & has great benefits.

I saved for several years and bought a home by myself.

STUPIDLY I sold my home (it had issues- roof, very small, etc). I made $$$ and used that to put a down-payment on a home we bought together in July.

My realtor said if we sell now we will break even (so 0$) or maybe make 5k...(so $2500 for me). This is due to closing costs & the house is brand new construction & she said it loses some value right off the bat (like a brand new car does when you drive it off the lot).

I need 6k to put 1st/Last/Security on a rental & most the rentals out here don't take large dogs or aren't in a safe place. Plus- 2k a month for rent is HIGH even with my well paying job.

marji posted 3/23/2019 19:35 PM

O dear Destroyedthank you for explaining your situation; I see what you mean and do totally understand about the dogs; we've had the same problem and our dearheart was a medium sized dog--and an only and we had lots of problems finding even vacation rental. (coincidentally also in Florida).

But wondering if you've inquired about possible dog friendly places at groomers, vets, pet stores, etc. Sometimes they hear of someone who is looking to rent out a place or even take in a tenant to help them defray costs. People who are doing business with people who have dogs might hear of different possibilities. I know someone who found a place like that--in Florida too. Also wondering if you've considered taking a roomer to help you cover monthly rental expenses. If you have the place first then you're in a position to pick someone you think is decent and reliable.


demolishedinside posted 3/23/2019 22:05 PM

Our rental outside of Tampa allowed dogs. There was a security deposit but other than that, most places allowed dogs. Not sure where you are, but if I can help, please let me know.

whoami62 posted 3/24/2019 09:58 AM

I am sorry kicked about what you are experiencing.

It's a rocky road that we are forced onto when discovering our partner's sex addiction , and we often suffer in silence because we are trying to protect our spouses in order to try to reconcile.

It's an addiction that is a dirty little secret and not too many people feel ok discussing with friends and family.
You are not alone.

I recently joined a support group for spouse of sex addicts
We have only met twice and I have to travel 1.5 hours to get there, but it is a comfort to be able to openly discuss what we are experiencing.

I am glad that you have found this forum so you can vent and also see what others are dealing with.

Welcome to the club that you never wanted to be a part of

Cally1975 posted 3/24/2019 13:22 PM

Being pretty new to this and knowing there is people with a lot more experience then me with this topic. Well, I thought I would ask a few questions.

Is there any success stories here or that you know of personally with this addiction?

Also besides counseling what other means did you use for support through this? Was there anything that helped tremendously?

Why I feel some better knowing I have full control of our finances among other things. The place I am at today is not knowing if I can live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. If the odds aren't that good, I just don't think I could go through this again.

For the newcomers to the thread I am so sorry your in this pain. It's so confusing and hurts like nothing I have ever experienced. You will find such helpful people and advice here.
It always shocks me when I hear story after story of men acting out with men. But with this addiction seems quite common. I can tell you my husband seems the most embarrassed and down right humiliated by this. Not that he doesn't seem to be pretty shameful over everything since discovered. But I can tell you this is something he can't even speak about yet without shutting down. In my heart I don't believe he would act on it sexually. With him it was tranny porn, dating sites, etc. I guess I bring this up for the newcomers who share similar stories. Because I can imagine you are horrified like me. But I guess this is common with this addiction.

marji posted 3/24/2019 15:02 PM

Hi Cally Welcome to our club --awful that you qualify-that your H's betrayal has brought you here but SI is a good and safe place and has been a great help to so many of us.

Cally there are people here and in other IRL groups who have a lot more experience than I have at this but Im happy to share what little I know and what helps me--and I use present tense since it's an ongoing burden.

First you've asked if there are any success stories --a tricky question since "success" can have different meanings--also you ask about success "here" and that's tricky too since people don't always stay on SI and there are many people who are not on SI who are dealing with SA type burdens.

So I will just share that I know several couples who have been in support groups for over ten years and feel they made the right decision in staying with their husbands. These are women who seem content and very able to enjoy many aspects of their lives; they continue to participate in the support group but I think they have basically processed the trauma of discovery and would say that about themselves. If that is "success" then yes, there are success stories. But I think I should also say that the men have not acted out in many years; they too continue in their support group-several participate in couples groups and they will continue for the rest of their lives.

You asked what has helped and along with good counseling what has helped was SI and the IRL support groups.

And along with the counseling and the groups, I personally feel safer having full control of the money, knowing where my H is, knowing he attends group. It was also important that he immediately began work with an IC.

As far as I know my H has not acted out in any way since discovery though I don't think I will ever feel quite right about him again and I suspect if I were younger I would not attempt to spend the rest of my life with him. But I am not younger and I can't possibly know what I would do if. . . or would have done if . . .

Some people in our group are younger--they have teenage or younger children and they choose to stay; we must all find what works best for us. But Cally I don't think any of our choices have to do with "odds." Some of the men will never act out again after discovery; some will. Some might not act out again for many years--there's no way to know; all we can do is work to make our lives better, more peaceful, more joyful and, when we're able, give some serious thought to what we will do if they are unable to change and they revert to their awful ways or take up new ones.

The weekends are relatively slow on SI but Im sure you will be hearing other responses and hearing something that may be of help.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/25/2019 01:39 AM

kickedintheknads just wanted to say you are heard.

I know your post was kind of skimmed over, and it must be very hard for you to discuss since you are in the minority here as the male spouse of a female sex addict.

But your concerns with her behavior are valid. I hope you are finding some healing and peace through all of this.

Remember, you can't change her. Only she can do that if she wants to, and she really has to want it.

hrmnz posted 3/25/2019 03:41 AM

DestroyedWife80 - Thanks for the reply, i see we are also the same age.

I found out January 20th so been holding this for a while and i agree it does get harder,.. eating, sleeping, trying not to cry and then there is the whole "am i going insane?" issue. I feel like i need the confirmation of him actually being physical with someone before i talk to him about it.. i don't want to hear "i never met them in person" or "nothing actually happened we were just being flirty online" and have nothing to come back with. I do have screen shots of all the stuff i found except the grindr messages.. which i have a feeling would have been the confirmation i needed if i had managed to read them all.

As of today the snapchat use has all but stopped and grindr stopped 30th of jan, and nothing else has been seen on facebook messages. There have been 3 times on his GPS something hasn't made sense but i'm putting those down to him smoking weed again and doing a pickup (thinks i don't know about that either) From what i can tell it is only x2 girls.. i think i have caught it early days, but the porn searches have been going on for many years.

I am giving it another 3 weeks and then regardless of any new events i will be bringing it up with him,i just need to hang in there. I know he will deny it at first but I am going to lay out in a way he has to tell me and if he lies then i'll know and since he is scared of losing me that may encourage him to come forward with more info thinking i know things i actually don't. Also i didn't know snap chat has a little feature where you can download your data history... this includes chat/vids/pic times/dated and to and from.. no actual content but if he says he hasn't been snap chatting for long etc or there are no others he shouldn't have a prob giving me his password. i doubt he knows its possible. Depending on how it all goes will play a big part on if i am willing to stay around to try make it work.

I feel for you..Lifes just not fair sometimes is it? bastards.

Shocked123 posted 3/25/2019 07:16 AM

Kicked,
You sound like a great guy and I'm sorry your W has done this to you. I noticed you mentioned that you were seeing a CSAT together. Great that you're attempting to understand her issues through therapy, and a CSAT is an excellent choice but I would suggest you have your own IC and let her figure out her sexual issues alone for a bit.
Many of us here have found that IC is a better first step before any kind of MC, including seeing a CSAT together.
I just don't want you to waste time or money sitting together hour after hour while she deal with her personal issues which may confuse and scare you even more. She may also use you as a crutch during her sessions or worse, begin to blame you for her behaviour.
I'm not a professional but I do know that this has nothing to do with you. I also know that you are probably traumatized by what you have discovered, as all of us are on SI. This needs to be dealt with even more urgently than her ongoing and long standing behaviour.
You have been victimized so please think of yourself and find a betrayal trauma IC. Perhaps the CSAT can recommend one for you.
MC can come later, if that is where you'd like this to head.
Keep talking to us. We go from one thing to the next quickly so give us a heads up that you're still around.

kickedintheknads posted 3/25/2019 08:20 AM

Shocked (and others) thanks for the reply. The Therapist wanted us both at the first session. After that, I believe W will go on her own, until I'm requested to attend again. And yes, you are right about me getting my own help. It's going to be a long road to recovery. At least she's admitting to having a problem. And yes, when discovered, she went right to blaming me for not paying attention to her, and not wanting her, etc...etc...I squashed that right then. It's a tough pill to swallow when you wake up one day and find out the woman you love is leading a double life as an online porn star. I just hope she hasn't gone so far down the rabbit hole that she can't get out of it. When I look back at all the little indicators I ignored, It makes me feel like an idiot. BUT...it won't happen again.

PNW82 posted 3/25/2019 11:56 AM

After so many years 10+ of calling sex chat lines and who knows what else, the many times he says he wont do it again, now he is chatting with women on instagram instead of calling phone lines. Will I ever be able to trust him again? My heart is hurt bad. It has never been physical relationships i think he does it because he is so insecure. Should i run or stay?

whoami62 posted 3/25/2019 12:42 PM

PNW82,
Sounds like you are just learning and may not have the entire truth about your H's porn activities.
Has he admitted there is a problem ?
Is he willing to get help for it ?
They can be pretty deceitful and manipulative when it comes to hiding their addiction , so buckle up, there might be more than just what you know.
I learned about my WH porn use as early as 2014 , but when I caught hi, he made promises to stop , but never did...also he had a LTA with one of the cam girls from the porn sites which took me 3 more years to learn about.
Not saying your H has taken it to that level , but like any other addiction , sometimes it takes * more * to get them high than just images and chatrooms
I am sorry that you find yourself here

PNW82 posted 3/25/2019 14:45 PM

I think there is so much more that I dont know. He doesnt know that I check his google activity. There were things he said on there to girls on instagram I believe. He was saying can i see a picture of you others said just got back from flordia or how he was vacationing in hawaii. A few days ago he installed what's app but uninstalled it not sure if he used it. I think he mostly uses Facebook messenger and Instagram. He is always installing and uninstalling both those apps.

dontsaylovely posted 3/25/2019 17:30 PM

Sadly there are a lot of newcomers here. I'm 5 years out and still find reading here triggering so have trouble responding. But others were helpful with me when I arrived - absolutely shell shocked after 20 years of marriage.

So trying to come out and share my experience in the event that it will help any of you.

My SAWH did pretty much everything with the opposite sex in person. He's not a tech guy so not so much instagram, snapchat, ashley madison, etc. online. I don't know if better online or in person - all cheating and all taking away from the marriage. And Lies! Secrecy! Double life! I am having trouble dealing with that.

Like most or all of you I thought I had the perfect marriage and perfect husband. Ha! Not even close. I saw a few red flags over the 20 years this was secret but was easily fluffed off.
I certainly feel stupid in hindsight. But he was masterful with the lies and excuses - as most addicts are I have come to learn.

So, five years later. My rose coloured glasses are well and truly off. And it's quite sad. Things that would have been amusing previously, not so now. Deficiencies easy to overlook (more like not even notice) for 20 years, now aggravate me. Naive, undying love? Nope not for me. I have stayed with him, he has done "everything" and continues to do so but I cannot get over the 20 year deception. It truly is, for me, inexcusable.

If I had it to do over again with today's knowledge I sure would not have married him. But we don't have that foresight in the first place. I was busy having a career, working hard, etc. as we all do but in hindsight I should have paid attention to the first red flag. I thought I did - he was drunk at a Christmas party flirting with a girl. I left him for a while after that, major idiot move to come back without delving further (didn't think of the phrase boundary at the time) I came back with all his promises of never again, once only. In reality he let his guard down for a moment for me to see.

Now I have health issues and frankly is easier to stay with him than leave. Rather sad state of affairs. I had looked forward to retirement full of things to do together. Now I look forward to him going out for a drink with the guys and just give me peace for a couple of hours.

Obviously all of our personalities are different so our needs/wants our different. He hates to be alone for a second. I like my space. That worked when we were working. Now we're retired. Most mornings I just want to tell him to stfu so I can think. Don't think that would have been my response if I was still in love with him in the way I was before I learned of his double life.

One of my retirement dreams was driving trips. While we were still working we had opportunity, workwise, to drive 1500 miles to his sister's place. He didn't trust car GPS, I had paper maps, goggle maps on my phone and he just screeched asking for better directions. It was horrid. I finally said if you were looking for a stripclub I wouldn't be here to give you directions so figure it out. I said I'd never do a driving trip with him again. I meant it, have stuck with it but there goes what I wanted to do in retirement. Don't even think he gets it when he says "let's go here" and I just give him a look. Nope I am not doing that again. I'll drive from Ontario, Canada to California USA but by myself and not with that. If he can find he way to any strip club, any country, go for it. If that sounds like total disrespect on my part, it is.

See, this is why I don't post much. Complete downer. And I do repeat he's done his group sessions, no slips or relapses in 5 years to my knowledge. He tells me daily he loves me. Does what he can to make my days easier* and I just can't get over what he did for 20 years. So maybe he just can't make that up to me.

*Lots of stories about the addict being stopped at adolescence. Definitely describes my SAWH. He just does not think the same as a "normal" adult. And now that I see him it drives me. He's useless in an emergency, doesn't hear the toilet making a new noise, doesn't notice car message "your lights are on", etc. Reflecting back was always this was but I was the doer and just fixed everything for him without a thought. That's not working so well for me now. Because I have lost the physical ability and because I don't love him the same and overlook his deficiencies.

Not a nice story but lots of new posters here. Regardless of what he/she does to fix self consider that your feelings get crushed to the point they cannot return, is this what you want?

secondtime posted 3/25/2019 17:38 PM

PNW82-

Whoami had some great questions for you.

I know it is very easy to focus on my husband's behavior.

From my personal experience, (worth a half a penny), things just don't go well when I focus on my husband. I neglect my responsibilities, etc. Then I'm even more unhappy. Unhappy not only about my situation with my husband, but also because I'm not doing "what I should" (work, tending to the kids for me)..

Can you try to refocus on you? You know your husband is engaging in behaviors, that it sounds like, you don't like and that don't make you feel like you are in a safe relationship.

Can you start thinking of ways to put boundaries in place, now, to give you a feeling of some safety?

Are you eating well enough? Drinking enough fluids? Practicing some midnfulness? Trying to sleep and get some exercise in? Is there hobbies or anything that you can partake in?

How do you feel about finding an IC to work through some of this with?


Superesse posted 3/25/2019 21:01 PM

dontsaylovely, thank you very much for your post. And please, don't apologize for posting your true feelings here! Because this is exactly where you are, and this forum is full of people who can understand your feelings....incidentally, the same ones as mine, over for the last 17 years since D-Day 1, now exactly 5 years from D-Day 2. (Note the 12 years of SA sobriety, in between those D-Days?)

I can especially relate to your sharing about your irritation with his little shortccomings, that you used to bite your tongue and tolerate, for 20 years. Doesn't this say something important about us BS's, that needs to be considered? I think so. I just haven't seen many here - or anywhere - who would express it the way you did - "the ugly truth of the matter," as it were. I don't "go there" either on my posts this last year, I guess because I worry people would just say "Why the heck are you still THERE, then? Is there no hope?"

Your post spoke volumes to me.

demolishedinside posted 3/25/2019 23:17 PM

Yes. Thank you for sharing your truth. It helps me to know Iím moving in the right direction, despite my sadness that he simply couldnít grow up.

Superesse, May I ask if dday2 was an A? I thought the three and a half years in between mine was bad enough.

Ladies, I donít imagine there is one of us sitting around judging others. If nothing else, we all know this particular...form of crazy? Iím grateful for your honesty and truthfully, would appreciate hearing more, if you are up to sharing.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/26/2019 01:07 AM

I'll share. I know it can be triggering, but I think it can be helpful to identify similarities. No, hrmnz, you are not insane! Also, my SAXH was completely obsessed with weed, absolutely could not go a day without it, acted like a complete asshole when he wasn't high. I've seen that as a common theme among SAs. Seems strange to me, but I kind of get it - using it as a self-soothing mechanism I guess.

Be prepared for a bunch of ridiculous lies to cover it all up - they will really go to insane lengths to protect their addiction! Some lies my SAXH told me when I confronted:
I had many suspicions over the years of contact with escorts, but the only one I felt I had enough proof to confront him on was including a picture I found one time in a text from someone saved in his phone as "Johnny," who was definitely female, and definitely naked. Google confirmed the phone number was for an escort. The message was promptly deleted from his phone the next day, and he continued to insist that this used to be his friend Johnny's phone number, and he must have changed it, so the escort must have taken this as her new number??!!

Caught him on Tinder on at least 4 different occasions. First time said his friend had him download it so he could show him how it worked. Then on two other occasions he matched with my boss and with my friend, showing that it was active. He said that his phone "redownloaded" it when he upgraded to a new operating system.

Strange texts that seemed intended for someone else. We had just been talking about who would take our daughter to her track meet, his next text was "do you like it rough?" Insisted that I was crazy, that he was reading an article that triggered him to want to ask me that.

Never used GPS to track him, though in hindsight I should have. Found out after the affair that he was using "work meetings" and trips to the "poetry lounge" for meet ups. Even took his daughter to the poetry lounge with him a couple of times, I've now discerned because he knew that would make me less suspicious when he wanted to go on his own. Via phone records I can confirm he contacted 3 different women one night when he was at a "work meeting," and met the AP at the poetry lounge.

*Lots of stories about the addict being stopped at adolescence. Definitely describes my SAWH. He just does not think the same as a "normal" adult. And now that I see him it drives me. He's useless in an emergency, doesn't hear the toilet making a new noise, doesn't notice car message "your lights are on", etc. Reflecting back was always this was but I was the doer and just fixed everything for him without a thought.

^^ dontsaylovely I relate so much to this! There is a lot of entitlement there. But it's really not entitlement, because it's like they don't even realize that the issue is there to begin with. Oblivious might be a better word. I could add to the list:
- Gets angry with other people when they don't wake him up when he doesn't wake to his alarm. Many times doesn't set an alarm, does not have any conversations with any family members re: when he needs to be awake, then gets angry when we let him sleep in, because we somehow should have magically known to wake him
- Believes his failings and short comings are generally all someone else's fault. He truly does not see how this is not the case
- Believes that people can read his mind - gets angry when I call him while he's driving through a rainstorm in another state, says that calling him during such an unsafe situation means I don't love him. Does not see how ridiculous it is that I am magically supposed to know that there is a rainstorm there. Also does not see how he could have just not picked up the phone if it was so dangerous
- I accidentally locked the keys in our car during our honeymoon. He took this as a personal attack on him, as I knew he wanted to make it to the beach by sunset, so I must have done it on purpose

I also completely relate to the driving situation. The GPS would be saying the directions out loud, he would not be listening to it, then would scream at me or our kids when he missed a turn because it was our fault for not telling him. "I was focused on the conversation, you should have known." Even though I was in the same conversation, and I still managed to hear what the GPS was saying

Also the OCD side of being with the kind of sex addict who is a compulsive masturbator - it's easy to see that the compulsion aspect is a form of OCD, so you see why they have those behaviors other places. But at the same time, when you see the things they neglect, it can be baffling:
- Obsessive about keeping his car clean, but did not care about leaving food trash (apple cores etc.) all over the house until they grew mold
- Always did laundry, but did not recognize that his clothes were never truly clean since he used too much detergent
- Could paint all night, incredibly focused for hours, but would get paint on everything we owned and not even notice or try to clean it.
- Cleans out his fish tank religiously, but does not wash hands after having put them into the dirty water, then is shocked when I ask him not to touch me until he has.

I found out after I left that my SAXH was also using meth. Apparently pretty common among SAs. I'm not sure exactly when it started, but I imagine the timeline would be similar to when he started using cock rings. Because when I look back, that is around the same time that I started finding empty pen tubes without the ink or spring mechanism. I truly hope that none of you have to deal with this drug in your marriage. It truly makes them a different person.

"well, this marriage is OVER if you can't trust me again."

^^ This, this right here is why so many of us stay. We want to trust them so badly. Hell, I stayed until he ended up having an exit affair and HE left ME

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 1:48 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

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