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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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Smjsome1 posted 3/19/2019 10:32 AM

Veryhurt

You arenít alone, we are here with you . Iím so sorry that you are going thru this.

Cally1975 posted 3/19/2019 12:20 PM

Very hurt I am so sorry your going through this.
Unfortunately I have done a lot of research on massage parlors. I say unfortunately because I am in the same situation to have to had to research.
From what I gather it is typically between 60 to 80 for a massage. If there is a handjob it's typically 20 to 40 dollars more in addition to that. Also at some parlors for 60 they will give oral sex. Then for 80 to 100 more they will do full sex.
So I guess it really depends on how much cash he had that he was spending.
With my husband he admitted to 3 hand jobs at these places. A polygraph determined that to be the truth.
To me this is the hardest thing to get over or forgive. It's prostitution.

marji posted 3/19/2019 22:11 PM

very hurtyes, it could be true. At least here in NYC different places offer different things; can't necessarily tell by the $$spent though since the prices can differ depending on the location.

So while some of the parlors may offer "just" his, we really can't know what went on there and there's no "just" about it. It's still betrayal; the women are prostitutes and the vast majority are immigrants who are typically victims of sex trafficking organizations.

Im three years and 8 months out and while we still live together, Ive never gotten over my disgust and doubt I ever will. My H's ability to have so coldly exploited those women and, at the same time, exploited me, violated our relationship, lived a double life, lived a lie, has creeped me out, I think, for good. That's with therapy and his willingness to attend a 12 step program weekly.

Call it SA, call it moral depravity, call it a pathetic sickness of an adult human being with a newborns sense of right/wrong, call it whatever, it's pathetic. But yes, it's possible.

Shocked123 posted 3/19/2019 22:41 PM

Very hurt,
I struggle with beliving that my H receive HJ's only. He did eventually admit to oral sex as well but claimed to not like it.
I really don't belive he didn't enjoy the oral sex but I guess it makes him feel better saying it.
One of the reasons I worry that it went beyong hand jobs and oral sex is he refuses sex with me for over 10 years. We had no more than 10 sexual encounters in 12 years. Yes, you read correctly.
My point to him is that I do not believe a man can live without intercourse for that long, especially if he is in a room with a prostitute who is willing to do whatever he wants for money.
He is naked and he admits that some were also. So what grown man who is not having sex at home is not going to take advantage of all perfect opportunity?
He was 100% positive I would never find out so what would stop him? Morals? it's laughable. And yet, he insists it's true.
Bottom line is we will probably never know. We could destryo ourselves trying to find out.
I am absolutely disgusted by what my H did. It makes me sick to my stomach to imagine him lying naked on a table and enjoying himself that way. All the while, I was begging him for any attention I could get and he flatly refused me. Year after year I wondered why I was so unattractive to him. He crused my self`esteem.
It really is enough to destroy you if you let it.
Marji, the ovjectifying of women is a whole other component to these men's stories. You don't need to see a prostitute to objecty a woman, you can do that to your own wife.
Makes me wonder if when we were sexaully active before all this began if he simply saw me as a means to an end.
Did we ever really have a loving, intimate connection?
When it was no longer new and exciting he looked for that thrill elsewhere. Not necessarliy SA, maybe a serial cheater/cake eater. I don't know which is worse.

marji posted 3/20/2019 06:56 AM

Veryhurt, Shocked, and everyone else whose story involves the parlors there's a whole other take on their activity there that is rarely if never discussed and that is that some men are just not interested in typical type sexual activity with women.

I do not believe a man can live without intercourse for that long, especially if he is in a room with a prostitute who is willing to do whatever he wants for money.

Yes, there are such men like that in much the same way that there are women who are not that interested in sexual activity with men and yes, they can live without intercourse. Sometimes these people are latently gay; sometimes they are just not wired for what we may think of as "normal" sexuality.

SAs or guys who are emotional anorexics can be just not that interested in traditional intercourse; they may experience traditional intercourse as tiresome work-what they want is to just lie there and be serviced. Theoretically the service could have been provided by a man as well as a woman but they were not in the habit of going that way.

So yes, some can go for "just" the oral or "just" the hjs because that is "just" what they prefer. They are happy being passive; being treated; being "nurtured" in that way.

Human beings have all sorts of preferences for all sorts of things. Hey, some men like dominatrix stuff; I know someone who knows someone who has a large cage in his house; he pays men to get into the cage for a while before he has relations with them.

Shocked From all you have shared here on SI I think there's little doubt that your H loves and respects you. Sounds as though that for whatever reason, or combination of reasons, you and he just got into a pattern of living, of having and bringing up children, building a business, taking care of daily practical matters and lost sight of the romance and the intimacy. It happens quite often and far more often than people feel free to talk about. Im sure your H had no feeling for the women he visited and doubt there was much "thrill" to it especially as it became something of a routine and a habit.

DestroyedWife80 posted 3/20/2019 23:40 PM

Im three years and 8 months out and while we still live together, Ive never gotten over my disgust and doubt I ever will. My H's ability to have so coldly exploited those women and, at the same time, exploited me, violated our relationship, lived a double life, lived a lie, has creeped me out, I think, for good. That's with therapy and his willingness to attend a 12 step program weekly.

Call it SA, call it moral depravity, call it a pathetic sickness of an adult human being with a newborns sense of right/wrong, call it whatever, it's pathetic.

Marji...i feel this right to my core. I am SO disgusted with my WHís acts! I am in tears right now just reliving the shock of it.

The exploitation of it is the worst! Of these girls. Of my pure, trusting love. Of our marriage!!!

How can I live with this?

Bottom line is we will probably never know. We could destryo ourselves trying to find out.
I am absolutely disgusted by what my H did. It makes me sick to my stomach to imagine him lying naked on a table and enjoying himself that way. All the while, I was begging him for any attention I could get and he flatly refused me. Year after year I wondered why I was so unattractive to him. He crused my self`esteem

Yes! This!!! My husband has literally fought me off, the week after our honeymoon, and that night he lay awake sexting and propositioning another woman, the next night ordering an escort (when I wasnít there). It kills me!

Ive been married less than a year. I have lost just over 2 years to this man. I am destroying myself wondering.....what did he actually do?! He wonít share anything or cop to anything, subject is closed for discussion. It is utter destruction inside of me! But I canít seem to let go of him!

This isnít getting any better for me! I wish I could be thriving, ďworking on meĒ, ďgetting stronger ď...wtf does that even mean!? I am putting aside money. I keep my eye on the door. I am riddled with depression and anxiety. I still canít concentrate at work. I binge eat and drink. My physical AND mental health are in the gutter.

I am just simply at a loss

[This message edited by DestroyedWife80 at 12:03 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

Cally1975 posted 3/21/2019 09:36 AM

Destroyed,

I am still very new and raw to all this. I am just 2 months in. I have read so much trying to make sense of this. I have also ordered two more books that are on the way. I have done so much soul searching. One thing I have discovered is that I am very much conflict avoidant. Or maybe also scared to rock the boat and way to trusting. For a little over 2 years I knew something was seriously wrong. I could feel it in my gut. The sex between us changed dramatically. In frequency and in how he performed. He was very selfish and very distant. I seen cash coming out while he was traveling for work. The phone calls came less and less. Often times not calling before bed and saying he fell asleep. During this time I did get brave enough to question him. What's going on? Why the distance? What's up with the sex? Why are you pulling out cash? Why are you so secretive with your phone?
He would give excuses like the cash was for drinking at the bars and he didn't want me to know. The sex was his testosterone maybe is low and he will go to the doctor to get it checked. The phone was a real sore subject. He would get then defensive during these conversations and tell me he wad tired of me not trusting him. If I couldn't trust because of my past relationships then we didn't have anything. He kept telling.me cheating would never happen. If I was unhappy I knew where the door was. That nobody was forcing me to stay.
See I backed down quickly. For one he made me feel as if I had trust issues. For two he ended the conversation quickly by telling me nobody was forcing me to stay. I was conflict avoidant.
One of the most liberating things in this amd finding myself. Of finding my voice and my worth. Is I am commanding RESPECT. If there is any chance at all of this working there is strict boundaries of his actions.
1. He has a tracker on his phone.
2. He had to get a new telephone number
3. He had to create a new e-mail and delete all others.
4. He had to give passwords
5. There is to be no cash what so ever pulled out. He has to keep receipts in case there is a debit that's questionable
6. There is to be no porn and no masturbation
7. He has to attend a 12 step program
8. He had to get counseling
9. He has to ask me how I am doing each day. If I need to talk about this he can't be closed off and bury it.
10. He needs to put me as a priority. He needs to date me again. Romance, flowers, planning dates, texts, etc.
11. He had to submit to a polygraph.

Now to me I am thinking that's a pretty hefty list for a SA who wants nothing more then to escape. To not feel and not talk. To escape into his own world. My husband sure doesn't need me financially. He is very successful. I seriously thought he would run for the hills.
But here he is completing the list daily. The only thing he hasn't done is find a therapist. But my very shy closed off husband attended his first 12 step meeting Tuesday.
I guess I say all this to encourage you to not be afraid to command respect. For any woman out there going through this to command respect. It is the one thing right now that makes me feel good about myself.
I can't say for sure my marriage will survive. I can't say that he can't find a way around all this and maybe still surf porn in his own little world. But at the very least I sure as hell know he can't pay for a prostitute or even remotely try and date someone or take someone out when I am watching every penny. I also know his whereabouts at all times. Even with that I have told him just try and leave your phone in your room so it looks like your just there. Because for all you know there will be a tracker on your vehicle somewhere hidden well.
I can sure relate to you on the physical and mental health. Also the binge drinking which I have never done before. One thing that is helping me is to focus on doing something nice for myself everyday. Whether it's planting flowers.( I love to garden) Or taking a nice long hot bath. Or getting my nails done. Or giving myself a facial. Or binge watching a show I have wanted to see and curling up in a heated blanket with my feet up. Anything, anything at all I feel I am doimg just for myself. I also am starting to pay attention to trying to eat healthier. To work out for even 30 minutes a day. I have started journaling my feelings.
I can't say everyday is perfect. Or there isn't a day I have a complete melt down and drink myself to oblivion like yesterday. But I can say there are days it's a lot easier then 2 months ago. I am putting myself as the most important priotity.
Please at least try to put yourself first. You didn't cause this and it's not your fault. He is a deeply distubed person. I am so so sorry your going through this. Try not to look to far into the future. Take this day by day as your trying to heal yourself.

Cally1975 posted 3/21/2019 09:53 AM

Shocked,
As crazy as it may seem I also think your husband must and does love you deeply. Even as disturbing at that sounds with his past actions.
He could have had the choice to run. To go back to his own world where he escapes. But he chose to do the work to try and get better. To try and be the man he should have been all along.
I still have a lot of reading, therapy, etc to do. But it seems to be the SA most of the time chose these sexual behaviors where there is no commitment. It's acting out an escape. But yet they chose us for their emotional connection. They married us. As sick as it sounds because it's all sick. I think I would feel 100 times worse if this was an affair with love and a connection. Not just a 100.00 escape. And believe me that makes me want to vomit.
Maybe I am trying to think positive. Or should say grasping at anything positive at all. But when our husbands are trying to work on themselves. When they are being loving or attentive. Planning a date or activity out. Maybe just maybe we are seeing the real them. The men that they can be without the outside distractions of their dirty world warping them. They could chose to retreat very easily. But they are trying and in planning something it shows we are a priority.

secondtime posted 3/21/2019 10:16 AM

I think one needs to be careful, though.

My husband was still able to plan dates, tend to me, get stuff done around the house, be an active partner with our kids..blah blah

And still look directly into my eyes and lie to me when I questioned his sobriety.

Granted, he didn't have net nanny on his phone and iPad.

But, the bottom line is nothing I can do will allow me to actively know/monitor/and control my husband's thoughts. Trackers, net nanny, dates, flowers, me having complete access to email, receipts, financials, etc..that will not stop my husband from fantasizing/getting high if he's hell bent on going down that road. All he needs to do is look at an attractive woman. Or recall an attractive woman from memory.

Really, the only way I have assurances that my husband will stay sober is if he's in coma.


And, the flowers, dates, accountability doesn't mean a man is healed. Mine has been, and still is walking around, essentially a dry drunk, while doing all those things.

My husband does respect me. And he loves me as much as an addict is capable of loving.

But, he's still an addict. And will always be an addict. And when DH is hellbent on getting high, no matter what...his addiction will come first. I'd be foolish to expect my husband behave like someone who isn't addicted.

I didn't really get the last part, that my husband's addiction came first, until I went through him lying about slipping and marching towards a relapse. I mean, I did in an academic sense. But, then there's getting it when you go through it..and reality sets in, taking the place naivety.

[This message edited by secondtime at 10:19 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

demolishedinside posted 3/21/2019 11:36 AM

Second time said what I came to add. We are headed to D because after 3 1/2 years of weekly therapy AND group, he still managed to meet someone in a parking lot for a bj. His therapist and group members were stunned. Iíve lost so much for staying these last almost four years. He scheduled his own therapy. Did workbooks. We were happy. Heceveh says he was happy. Itís sad, really. In the end, he couldnít resist. My guess is there was also a build up to it. I figure he will never be less selfish. He is a decent dad and helps around the house, but in the end, I canít take the constant worry and disrespect of it. If after 3 years, he could still cheat?! Yeah. Itís exhausting, ladies. I think of all of you every day.

Cally1975 posted 3/21/2019 15:37 PM

Secondtime,

You are abosultely correct. I or all of us will always have to look over our shoulder sort of speak. As I am trying to heal. Also with therapy which I am starting next week. That's what I am really going to have to search my heart on. If I can and am willing to live my life like that.
I guess for so long I have felt neglected. Then to find out all I did and get that time frame and the memories that came with it. To see the lies and how he bamboozled me. Something just feels liberating to put out my demands. To have him squirming if he even wants a shot to try to make this work. Like I feel for the 1st time he is actually answering to all he has done. There is no lying your way out of this one.
I don't know if everyone's SA is this way. But my husband is petrified for any of this to come out. Right now I haven't said anything. But like I told him that's due to the shame I have of him. Maybe I am just thinking out loud. My thoughts are so random. But doesn't that show that a SA has shame? That maybe deep down with some they are very humiliated by their behaviors.
I know flowers, candy and a date won't change that he is truly changed. He hasn't done this for a very long time. Like I said I had been neglected for so long. Now he randomly throws cash at me and is giving that way. Like here go get your hair done or nails. Or here now you can go shopping or buy yourself something. But that's not the same as someone planning a date, or surprising you with flowers, etc. Treating you special the way they did with dating. He took a lot for granted. So I just made that a condition that he needed to make me a priority and think of us as dating. Because my heart isn't where it use to be.
I have also been honest with him that I don't know where I will stand in 4, 6 or 9 months from now.
I am happy that he is trying. I have seen him break down crying like 5 times now. Which is so unlike him. It's usually when he see's me emotional. I broke down last night bad over the phone. It's just me and the way I feel. But I felt humiliated that I needed therapy. I am such a private person. I have never needed therapy before. I was always able to deal. He started to cry and said he was sorry that he did this to me. He then said he wished he was home so he could hold me.
Part of me is wondering if there are stories of where a SA truly changed. Like any real success stories. Like my brother went to a 12 step program for drugs and alcohol and he is 20 years sober. Wondering if a SA can ever change?

marji posted 3/21/2019 17:54 PM

Destroyed I am so sorry you are having such a very hard time; I've been reading your posts since last August.

Destroyed If possible I would take Cally's advice--her list is very helpful though I think you have said that your H was not trying his utmost to change so maybe it's not practical right now.

And truth be told even when our H's seem willing to do all the things on the Cally list, there's still no certainty about their nature and what they want and what they might do; all that is certain is that we have to heal, we have to do for ourselves, we have to find life and joy again.

Destroyed, if I remember correctly your IC did not think you'd be wise to separate from your H because unless you had significantly changed you 'd either go back with him or get involved in another destructive relationship. I surely have no idea whether she is right or not but I do question, given how unhappy you are, whether this IC is the best one for you. Perhaps you might interview some others or work a few weeks with a different IC to explore whether someone else might be more helpful toward your gaining more peace of mind and confidence.

[This message edited by marji at 5:57 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]

ashestophoenix posted 3/21/2019 19:59 PM

These posts really resonated with me. I am so utterly disgusted with my husband's behavior and thinking during his addiction. I'm ashamed of him. I find I have little respect for him. After six years, I'm more disgusted and ashamed than in the past. Even while he is more sober. I've come to realize his attitude and behavior towards woman and girls offends me to my core. I will never forgive him for that. He would scan 12 year old girls! That terrifies girls...and my husband did it. And when I tell him now that it terrifies girls, he just...looks at me. Says he is ashamed. But, really, he doesn't get it.

And my husband is still profoundly immature. I can't even go into how much stuff he has f'ed up these last few days. Life overwhelms him. I asked him if he was embarrassed by his f'ing up, and he said, "no, not really." But I am. I'm embarrassed to be seen with a full grown man who acts like a little boy. And I'm fed up and bored with it.

So I continue to detach and spend as little time as possible with him. Destroyed, that's what I recommend to you. I focus on my therapy, my dogs, my work, my new community. I'm working on breaking out of my isolation. I'm working on getting my joy back. I think less and less about my husband and more and more about me. It sucks living with someone I truly don't like, but I'm making it work. It's better than worrying about his addiction.

Yes, I agree, they will NEVER be truly safe. There is just way, way, way too much maturing and mental health my husband would have to achieve. And he so enjoyed his acting out. Not the way we enjoy things...he was getting high. Now that is clear to me.

I don't think my husband, addict that he is, can love himself or others. I see that he can care about our dogs. But other people...I don't think he can. I do think that comes from a traumatic childhood, but here we are today. I've given up completely on having an adult relationship with him. I'm getting close to the time that I can maintain my health insurance even with a divorce. It will cost me a lot of money, though, to divorce him.

I didn't want this life. I didn't want this marriage. I'm so sad I married my husband. I'm sad that I didn't leave him decades ago.

BUT...and here's the big but, I'm getting better with the work I'm doing. I'm feeling better about myself, my life, my present, and my future. I have a ton of grief about my past, but I'm learning to live with it.

I so wish this process was faster and easier.

ashestophoenix

[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 8:01 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]

Somber posted 3/21/2019 20:16 PM

Ashes,

I didn't want this life. I didn't want this marriage. I'm so sad I married my husband. I'm sad that I didn't leave him decades ago

I feel the exact same way!! I am embarrassed to be married to my WH. The only difference is that I only have one decade in and I am not sure I am willing to waste any more of my life or self. He destroyed the happy, loving, empathetic and sweet woman that I was. He has jaded my vision of love. He has broken not only my heart but all my hopes, dreams and security. I will forever hate him for that.

Keep working on re-finding your joy! It sure is better than focusing on their addiction. I am glad you are feeling better, that gives us hope that if we put ourselves first (whether we stay or go) that we have a lot to gain!!

hrmnz posted 3/21/2019 20:48 PM

Hi, i'm new here and we directed here by the peeps in the just found out thread. Sorry its so long and i hope its in the right place?

I've been with my fiancee for 4 years we have a 2.4 year old and another due end of June...finding all this stuff out while pregnant.. how tragic is that!, seems sadly common though it seems. We knew each other while teenagers and dated briefly but he was a punk skater with much more important things on his mind than a serious committed relationship.

Fast forward to now 23 years later, he is an amazing father and on the whole a great partner, buys me flowers, watches our daughter whenever i need to sleep and he rarely goes out.. 90% of the time he is home with us, he puts our daughter to bed every night..she really is his sunshine, on the outside you would think nothing is wrong and we have a near perfect relationship, everyone adores him.

The only problem we have had is his insanely high sex drive and smoking weed ... it was good at the start but then the constant groping, grinding etc started to drive me bonkers, every contact turned into some from of sexual interaction and it started to turn me off and just made me not want to do it. Also to make things more complicated in that department he started staying up late and not coming to bed, he would fall asleep on the couch and if he did make it to bed it will be 3-4am. Of course he'd pop his head in wanting a quickie before heading back to the lounge, hes not a selfish lover but our sex life really started to lack that emotional connection.. it felt like i wasn't getting much more than what a bit on the side would get.

And then it happened i found grindr on his phone with pxts between him and transvestite and one other message log i never got to see, i only caught a glimpse of the messages.. something about when was last STD check.. i don't even know if it was him or the other person that asked it, my daughter wanted his phone to watch vids and she was grizzling terribly, before i could get my phone to take pics to read through later i accidentally closed it which engaged the key lock, the app was gone that night. But i do know he was downloaded and deleting it atleast twice a day then all of a sudden after 3 weeks it stopped.

Then comes the facebook message between him and a old co worker she is late 40s, looks a bit hagged.. made me feel a bit offended to be honest, there was only 3 messages and it was him asking for pics.. apparently she doesn't do pics 'hun' and then he asked when her err lady bits will be ready for his guy bits.. apparently 4 weeks, not sure why it was 4 weeks.. i tried to convince myself that it was code for weed or something ut then why would he wants pics of weed right? Messages stayed the same for 2 days then dissapeared.

Then we have snap chat chick, she looks around 24 (hes 40 this year) again only 3 messages apparently he was bummed when he askd her what she was doing that night and she had to work because he really wanted to taste something of hers, there was a pic of her in underwear... now that one made the old ego take a bit of a hit because she was very pretty, very athletic looking.. did i mention her toddlers name is the same name i picked out for our daughter?.. ouch, thats gonna be a great constant reminder.

And the final icing on the cake? almost every day while at work he looks up porn.. everything from shemale to gay bj to straight. There were also some pics of toilet walls with numbers for people wanting to give bjs.

There is still nothing to say 100% he has been physical with any of these people and honestly have no idea when he would do it, hes usually always home or with people its easy to check with....only time could be if he finishes work earlier than he said he does etc.. i'd have to be naive if this hasn't happened since we have been together.

I love him and i know he loves me and loves our family, i think his depression comes from the guilt, I've seen it in his eyes a few time but never thought this is where it came from. He would randomly say he is so scared of loosing us and it haunts him, i thought it was just because of our own personal issues and he thought i'd get fed up an leave...not because i may find out about this other stuff...

Also he started smoking weed again...he had given up when we got together so that is fair game for me to complain about but, i don't mind weed but he gets heavily addicted and it changes him...i've been through it with him once before re giving up and it was a horrible experience...he has no idea i know all of this, i've stalked all his accounts since the end of jan and its driven me near insane... but i am at the point do i really need more proof? Does it matter if hes actually been physical with someone or not because the rest of it still hurts. I honestly believe he is a sex addict, there is no emotion other than sex in his messages to these people, and he hasn't built up a solid sexual relationship with any of them from what i can tell. I just don't know what to do. I am so angry at him for doing this to our family. i do not know what to do..

Giveuporgiveall posted 3/22/2019 08:06 AM

Ready to give up. Iíve been married close to 2 years my husband had an affair which started a few months prior to our wedding and continued for about 4 months after we were married. Told me heíd never do it again I rugswept and we moved on. 14 months later he started talking to a coworker this went on for about 7 weeks before I found out. He was physical with them both one time that Iím aware of. I pretended to be him via text to find out he slept with the one co worker and I asked the first girl directly she told me once so I am fairly confident thatís the truth but will I ever really know.

After this last time my husband initiated individual counseling on his own. It was suggested he go to an SA meeting. He went last week and strongly feels as if heís a sex addict. He has started the 12 step program and is trying to do everything he can to fix our marriage but I donít know if I can accept it.

I feel like the last two years of my life was taken he even spoke to the first girl for 10 minutes on the phone the night before our wedding. He claims she called to tell him good luck but címon can you at least give me our wedding. Iím in IC as well hoping my counselor can help but Iím just not sure. Most of me feels he can do this heís strong enough to overcome this and he was faithful to me the 5 years we dated prior to getting married. He recognized what he did and what he needs to do to fix it. I just donít know if I can get past what heís done. Itís only been 3 weeks since I found out about the most recent woman. I know it wonít go away but what have you done to cope with betrayal?

whoami62 posted 3/22/2019 09:20 AM

Hi Giveuporgiveall.

I understand how you feel. You are just learning about what your H has done and your emotions are all over the place.
You have made a good decision to seek IC and it sounds as if your WH has also made some good decisions to seek help for himself too.
It is going to be a bumpy ride unfortunately , but a necessary one to help you heal.
This is a club that none of us chose to join , but yet here we are.
One thing that I can suggest to you is seeking a support group for spouses of SA.
My SAWH's therapist found one for me. It is a little on the small side , but honestly, it is helpful to be surrounded by women who are also dealing with the same issues.

We primarily are suffering in silence due to the nature of our spouse's addictions.

In the mean time, please be sure to take care of YOU and be gentle with yourself. You did nothing to deserve what has happened to you.
You are not alone

whoami62 posted 3/22/2019 09:26 AM

I posted this in the General Forum and got little response so I am going to bring it up here.

I have been blessed to find a wonderful IC who has helped me tremendously to deal with the trauma of the betrayal of learning of my SAWH affair .

I have a history of working with a couple of bad IC , so I was happy to finally have this person who actually worked with me.

I just learned that she very abruptly closed her practice ...no notice and it's because she has some serious health issues.

This has made me feel devastated , but also I understand her need to take care of herself first.

Has anyone here ever faced something like this ?

It is sooo hard for me to trust and I am not enthusiastic about starting over again with someone new , but I am not strong enough to go without therapy at this time.

Any input welcome

Superesse posted 3/22/2019 09:55 AM

Giveuporgiveall, how sad to learn that that your fiance wasn't even faithful to you, and has not been since the wedding. I know you are still in the early discovery days, but may I gently warn you, that these sex addicts rarely-to-never come clean with their whole story - perhaps not for years, as in my case.

My SAWH lied about his past history with prostitutes for a YEAR after D-Day 1, when I already had learned what kind of man I had married! He stuck like glue to his story that, for some unknown reason, he was tempted to try out an escort service after we had been (happily, I thought) married for 5 years. We did intensive MC for 48 weeks, and his explanation NEVER changed. However, I never could believe him, which made it very difficult to commit to the R he swore he wanted. I saw he was filled with regret, remorse, etc. etc., and swore he would never do it again.....BUT it didn't make sense to me that he even went that crazy, without his having had any prior exposure to that kind of lifestyle.

After several months of my interrogations, he admitted to sex with a large number of prostitutes in his past life, but NOT during our 4 dating years.

Then, after a year working on getting me back, he admitted his history of prostitute visits had INCLUDED the years we dated, before our 6 month engagement...BUT after we got engaged, he swore he was faithful, right up until our 5th year of marriage.

Except. After 5 more miserable YEARS of in house separation (10 years of my life!) had gone by, I stumbled upon a 6-year-old receipt for an out-of-town massage parlor, in a side pocket of his old carry-on luggage. Well, well, well....so again, my marital reality had to be re-written....proof he cheated after 4 years, not 5. He then admitted to double the number of prostitues in his prior life whom he'd had sex with. So for all I know, I still don't have the extent of his double life since we got together.

I know one thing: despite all his sworn statements about "getting it," and him signing a post-nup with an infidelity clause one year after D-Day 1, 12 years later my SAWH got arrested - for soliciting a prostitute. How could I have been surprised. I got a lawyer...

As you struggle with this new truth about him, please don't be like I was, always hoping that there "wasn't anything more" when you are getting told his version of his actions. The fact that he acknowledges SA, suggests there is a lot more he knows he has done, very possibly including your engaged years, too, I am sorry to say. It hurts more deeply when the truth comes out little by little, and I wasted way too much time time trying to understand my SAWH's inner workings.

Don't be like I was! Get IC for yourself, read the Healing Library, and just know none of this is your fault!


kickedintheknads posted 3/23/2019 09:38 AM

Hello All. Iíve been lurking for some time, reading and educating myself. I finally decided to get an account and share. From reading here, I see the majority of the posts are about the husband having an addiction. In my case, itís my wife. We have been together for 6 years. Married for 3. (Me 60, and her 46) I knew she had some deep-rooted abandonment issues when we got together, which lead to her being fairly promiscuous up until we got together. We discussed it in depth at the time, and I thought I could get her out of that destructive lifestyle. (Captain Save-A-Hoe). Apparently, I was wrong.
I first discovered it a year ago, when I stumbled across a string of text messages on her phone between her and some guy. There were pix and a video clip of this guy masturbating. I confronted her, and it almost caused a divorce. She assured me it was an innocent conversation that just got out of hand. I suspected there was more to it, but I didnít really have any other proof. I set boundaries. She assured me it wouldnít happen again. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I opened up an old email account of hers that apparently she was still using. ManÖI was floored. There were email threads referencing meeting in chat rooms KIK, Gruvo, Hangouts, and MANY guys she was ďChattingĒ with. Lots of really graphic conversations and photos exchanged between her and the other guys. She was meeting them in chat rooms and having these sex meetings. Some of the pictures she was sending them we so explicit her gyno could have done a thorough exam just from the pictures. Lots of mutual masturbation stuff. It had been going on for some time. Hours and hours of it. All hours of the day and night. She was doing it at work, on her lunch break, and at home even when I was there. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I was furious. I became physically sick reading through it all.
I confronted her and told her I wanted a divorce. I was done. I couldnít compete with her sex addiction. Well, she broke down and admitted to all the things sheís done, and asked for help. Since D Day, we have had many in-depth discussions about her issues. She seems to be genuine in her desire for help. Weíve arranged for a CSAT therapist to see us starting next week. Iím going to listen to the counsellor and give it a chance. If we can save the marriage, great. She knows Iím on the ledge here. ONE more little deception on her part and Iíll be gone. I canít take the lies anymore.
The trust is gone at the moment. ďIFĒ she can get it back, it will be a long road. She really is a good woman, and we have a good life together. We do well together financially, and are empty nesters. I would hate to lose her, but I am emotionally spent. I have taken measures to closely monitor her activities online. I wonít get caught with my head in the sand again.
I have found no indications of her actually meeting any of these guys for a physical relationship. I made it clear to her that should I find that, weíre done. Thatís a line in the sand that once crossed, thereís no return. She assured me (for what ever thatís worth) she never met anybody for physical sex. It was all online virtual stuff. I have my suspicions, but no actual proof. So weíll see how it goes. Right now, I have to deal with the mental movies, and re-hashing all the stuff I saw and read. The woman was truly living a double life.
I thought we had a healthy sex life. I enjoyed being with her. Now I feel like having sex with her is like giving whiskey to an alcoholic. I hope the therapist can sort it all out. I know Iím in over my head. I canít fix her issues on my own. Iíve tried.
This post a bit of therapy for me. I havenít been able to vent my frustrations to anyone. I just want to explode. She was not home the night I discovered the email account. She was out with some girl friends. (Verified). I have a few hours to digest what I had found before she got home. Itís good she wasnít here then. Iím not stupid, or naÔve. I know what Iím up against, and thereís a good chance we wonít make it through this. I care enough about her to try and salvage it. If not for us, maybe I can get her the help she needs to stop her self-destructive behavior for her next marriage / relationship.
Time will tell.
Thanks for giving me the avenue to vent.

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