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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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secondtime posted 3/15/2019 14:45 PM

Dogs-
I declined to meet my husband's sponsor.

But, I maintain that if my husband isn't being honest in his recovery process, I'll find out eventually.

And I was right. I did. It wasn't immediate. But, we're not in a situation where plans can be immediately put into place..so that part wasn't important to me.

For me, giving my husband space to work his recovery, how he sees fit, means, not meeting his recovery peeps. My husband also believes firmly, in the anonymity that is supposed to be part of the 12-step tradition.

Given that we have school aged kids that could negatively be affected if it gets out that DH is a sex addict, I'm OK with not knowing his circle of support and having his circle of support not know our family at a social level.

As for the sharing...it depends. One meeting, they were talking about healthy sexual behavior. As it turned out, DH and I had some awesome sex like the weekend before...and he shared that...and let me know afterwards when we were talking about his meeting.

Otherwise, there's a good chance they don't talk about you..depending on what they talk about, which step they examine, etc.

Right now, I also want help specific to my marriage. And I don't feel comfortable going to a peer group to help me sort out my marriage.

I'm also not wired to have stereo-typically intimate female relationships. I don't think there's anything wrong with me, and I have had close friendships. I just don't like divulging the truly intimate details of my marriage with other people.

marji posted 3/15/2019 17:41 PM

secondtime really interesting and helpful to read your impressions and preferences. It really does help to show how different we can be in our needs and ways of finding safety and peace.

I've never met with my H's sponsor--haven't even been introduced when he was at a meeting in the same building where my meeting took place; but Im fine with that. I have a friend who knows not only her H's sponsor but his other support mates as well; she feels more comfortable knowing them and having them know her. She's not asking what they talk about--just wants clear channels of communication and the sense that she can turn to them if things get really off track at home.

Also there are couples meetings at the place I go for the SANON support (my group is not all women--one of the longstanding members is a man whose qualifier was his father--he does not do the couples meetings)so people pretty much know quite a bit about each other.

But again, it's all about what each of us need to feel safe again. I admire your independence and what clearly seems like great strength. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

veryhurt2018 posted 3/15/2019 18:02 PM

His testosterone levels checked out just fine. He was in the normal range.

Cally1975 Ė My WH was tested too and had very low levels of T so heís been on something ever since. I hope everything goes okay on your WHís poly. Let us know.

dontsaylovely posted 3/15/2019 18:59 PM

Lucky me. Today is my 5 year Dday anniversary. Not doing anything special, not reminding SAWH about the date. He's doing all the recovery work, does everything he can to make my life easier. But I'm still meh. Cannot believe he had that double life and did those things for 20 years while married to me. I stay for health reasons but really wish I had learned everything earlier and made the choice to leave. Maybe I'll find the strength to leave. But that healing time frame of 2 -5 years might not be enough for the spouse of an SA.

Cally1975 posted 3/15/2019 19:30 PM

Don'tsay,
Sorry about this day. I hope you can find the peace and strength you need. Happy to hear your husband is at least putting in the work to recover. But sad to know he should have been the man you needed all along.

dontsaylovely posted 3/15/2019 19:48 PM

Thanks Cally. Apart from just expressing my sadness at this day was hoping to pass along a message to you younger just found out that it's different this far out but not really better. Wish I had more encouraging thoughts for you. I really hoped I'd be in a better place today.

marji posted 3/15/2019 19:50 PM

dontsayso sorry for the history your H created; good that he is doing everything to make your life easier and thank you for sharing your experience today. I discovered 12 years later about my H's double life; that was 3 years and 7 months ago. He tries; he still says he's sorry. I still wonder if he's anywhere near as sorry as I am.

I've pretty much stopped thinking about leaving; don't think my life would be any easier and not even sure what healing means at this point but think you're right and the 2-5 year prognosis probably doesn't apply in SA type situations.

Cally1975 posted 3/15/2019 20:41 PM

Well, this was a very emotional day. I am still shocked and was expecting the worst. But the husband did pass the polygraph. I think the examiner was very good. He is certified and does extensive work in this field. He really went into detail about the test and showing me all the results. He did catch the husband in some lies on control questions. Which showed he has the capability of lying. He watched very carefully on if he was trying to cheat the test and showed me exactly how he was doing that with the results. But bottom line is there was no kissing, touching, anal sex, oral sex or sex with anyone else was truthful. He got him to admit to 4 table showers where nothing went further. And 3 handjobs. 1 hand job before me and 2 while we were married.
He gets these men or women aside and tries to get further confessions. Kind of scaring them that their marriage is on the line.
All in all though anyone who is going through this I would recommend going this route for the trickle truthers.
I feel relieved to hear he passed and it could be much worse. But bottom line is he allowed someone to masturbate him and that IS cheating.
Now he needs to find out what has brought him to this point. He needs help.
I can't help it. Deep inside I got satisfaction by seeing the husband so uncomfortable. When the examiner called us where we were both in the room he gave him a once over. Like as in calling him out that masturbation is cheating. And asking him about the porn and how much he masturbates. Then he told him ya know that is an arrest waiting to happen. He told him just read the papers nobody is above the law. He told him he hoped he was going to get help.

Shocked123 posted 3/17/2019 10:35 AM

Cally,
I'm glad you are satisfied with your the realiablity of your polygrpaher. Sounds like the man has seen many others come and go in these situations.
You sound happy with the results in that it's better than you were expecting.
I hope that this is enough to scare the bejesus out of your H and that he will walk a straight line from now on. I also hope that he continues to do the work to make you feel safe and treasured as we all deserve to feel.
I'm sorry you had to go throught this and proud of you for making the polygraph happen, You had no idea what you could have found out and that's pretty scary.
Good for you for taking control.

Indecisive1 posted 3/17/2019 13:22 PM

Iím hoping you all can tell me if Iím in the right place.

I found out about a PA my husband had in January. Iím currently 8 months pregnant with our first child. Since then, other affairs have come to light along with a porn addiction.

Is this serial cheating or addiction? Is it the same?

I see the sad but wonderful support in this group. I hope you can help me.

secondtime posted 3/18/2019 11:42 AM

But again, it's all about what each of us need to feel safe again. I admire your independence and what clearly seems like great strength. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

Thank you for the kind words. I don't know if it's about strength.

I've just been burned enough with people who have poor boundaries/bad understanding of situations that I'm just super careful, now about who I share with.. Plus, with a baby at home, there's not a lot of time to invest in new...so..I go with what I know..

My own mom isn't safe. I've had therapists who were not safe. My mom was verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive..one therapist told me that my mom was harmless and I was over-reacting. My mom cut off me and my kids shortly there after. It's been over decade now, and mom still isn't interested in having a relationship with me.

The therapist also told me that my husband could still watch porn/get high on special occasions and still could be considered sober. Well, my husband chose to slip and was inching towards relapse, and even he didn't think he was 100% sober.

ashestophoenix posted 3/18/2019 13:00 PM

The therapist also told me that my husband could still watch porn/get high on special occasions and still could be considered sober.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

Time to fire the therapist. No one would say to an alcoholic, "Hey, have a few drinks and an occasional black out or getting drunk is okay." Our partners have proven they can't watch porn. Period. Other people can. Our partners can't. It should be in their inner circle. My husband really can't watch R rated movies either. He'll start to fantasize and down the rabbit hole he will go.

Indecisive, I'm so sorry. What a terrible time to learn of your partner's betrayals. I don't know if your husband is an SA or some kind of character disordered man. Either outcome is dangerous to you. I encourage you to visit the first page of this forum and to start to read up on this addiction. Serial cheaters who aren't addicts tend not to have shame and are narcissistic or have some other scary character disorder. SA's tend to have lots of shame and use their acting out to escape from discomfort (which can be due to just about anything) and numb out.

ashestophoenix

Smjsome1 posted 3/18/2019 16:42 PM

Secondtime -
I need to ask, did you hear those words from his therapist yourself? My SAWH hears what he wants to hear, lies. Even to therapists. That came to light recently, and it was a shock to all, even his therapist. The man can lie so very well.

So me - we had another stupid lie, he finally told the truth after 4 hours.
We went shopping, there were 2 rude middle aged women in the middle of the aisle who ignored me till I moved their cart. After we passed them he was acting weird, concentrating on shelves.
I asked, is there anything wrong? Nope. After a while, was it those women? Nope.
Fine
Got home, he went to journal, came downstairs and said. I want to tell you I was bothered why I was so bothered, so I journaled about it and ... got quiet.. and finally said I thought one was our niece and it made me nervous.
No - thatís makes no sense
So he storms about and finally come back and tells me
ďYou were angry at them, it made me nervousĒ
I said no - I was not
He stormed around, and at this point of being told over and over it was true, etc, thatís itís in my head, etc, Iím getting very flooded and angry.
He comes back with ďyou were triggered by me looki g at the shelves because I was trying to distract you from being triggered so I was looking for something to distract you.Ē
I my - nope! I was not happy and very angry - how stupid does he think I am!
He came back and he said, you are right, ďI was afraid Iíd be attracted to them and so I was looking away, which you noticed, and I couldnít figure out why I was feeling uncomfortable so I came home to journal and when o journaled I realizedĒ.
When I came down I meant to tell you the truth and even as I was lying I was thinking, why am I doing this!Ē

Heís now sleeping elsewhere not with me, consequences.

I feel so unimportant, heís rather hurt me with a lie, so unloved

I feel like there is progress - he at least on his won examined his actions- and it was 4 hours, not 9 months, but such a stupid lie!

And on top of that for my group we are writing letters -
To share or not. I have to list the top ten memories that hurt/damaged me, how they make me feel.

I finally managed my list and opening chapter (itís why Iím writing this letter)
I got to chapter two - write about the toll of your partners sexual actions and the toll on you, etc

I just canít. Itís due tonight, but honestly, I canít


And my humming - Iíve been told and realized Iíve beem humming since DD1. I talked to my therapist about it, and it stopped! Now Iím feeling all the pains and hurts, memories are surfacing.

Iím a mess. I stopped eating again. But - Iím still moving

Smjsome1 posted 3/18/2019 16:52 PM

Cally -
Iím telling you this because I too found my husbands poly such a relief. But in the end, it meant very little, and it was a shock, take this as just my story - not that I believe the same is happening to you! Not ata all - but it feels like I should tell you.

I had several polygraphs of my husband - the first one the polygraphet listed his timeline and sexual partners. He said yes, I ďhad everythingĒ He passed it.

The polygrapher was very hard on him, he is LE and this man specializes in LE and SAís, very highly praised and recommended.

Now, one of those partners he did not remember her name - and it haunted me - I questioned it for a long long time, 9 months. She was ďthe most beautiful woman heís ever had sex withĒ
So, finally I decided to look up the class he was in and contact her, he had a fit - he finally admitted he had not actually had sex with her, just flirted and fantasized having sex with her.

we had a poly scheduled, I didnít go, whatís the point - if as long as he can convince him self itís true, itís easy for him to pass it. He went - says he told the poly guy who pulled up the records and saw a ďminorĒ blip or whatever at that question, shows that H took a long time to answer, so heíd gone back several times
H says he told himself he wasnít lying because he told me ďmoreĒ then the truth.

This tore me to shreds

Cally1975 posted 3/18/2019 19:39 PM

SMJ,

I am sorry your also in this situation. I do believe anything is possible with the polygraph. I don't feel it is fool proof totally 100%. I felt better a little after it and still do. But believe me there is still a part of me that questions and probably will for a long time.
The one thing that stands out to me though is this. Set aside the massage parlors. But with these dating sites he went to and there were 5 of them. He also had 3 e-mail accounts, 2 secret facebook accounts, 2 craigslist accounts, a Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter and checking his phone thoroughly before I confronted with what I knew there was no communication with anyone. Not one single message. Also downloading Dr.Fone to retrieve anything deleted. I can't find one single e-mail or communication with anyone what so ever. I have dug and dug. To me I wouldn't search craigslist, dating sites etc if I wasnt looking to actually buy something or hook up etc.
He has stated these things were just visual. He was habitually masturbating. I am not a sex addict so can't understand mentally why a hook up site or craigslist personal. Like why not just porn. He can't really explain it other then he needed another level, made it feel different. He has also said he thinks it was an escape but can't explain why.
I am still taking it day by day literally. Watching to see the work he is willing to put in. But bottom line is I do live in at fault divorce state. The polygraph is very incriminating of adultery. He admitted to 3 handjobs at massage parlors, and 4 table showers that didn't go further. This is all typed up in a very professional report. As well as copies I have of everything including his private e-mail accounts, hook up sites registered for. Proving adultery would be a cinch.

Cally1975 posted 3/18/2019 19:52 PM

Shocked,

I hope it scared him also. He was so uncomfortable and shamed.
He just informed me tonight he is going to his first SA meeting tomorrow night. I am surprised at the work so far he is willing to put in. He is not one who is extremely social and is uncomfortable about feelings etc. So for him this is a huge step.
I have been honest with him that I don't know if 3 months from now I can say I still want to try. I told him I do love him. That after this many years together love just doesn't disappear over night. But I have also told him that nobody has ever broke me the way he has ever in my life. Sometimes love doesn't conquer. Or maybe in the end love will conquer. But that conquer may be me loving myself so much that I realize I deserve way better. He asked for a chance to put in the work and to give me everything I deserve.

I hope your husband will attend the meetings. I have heard great things about the SA groups. How could he not think he was a SA with how many times he went to these places with risk of disease and arrest. And the amount of money spent.

Smjsome1 posted 3/18/2019 21:01 PM

Cally

You are doing very well in this horrid situation

Smjsome1 posted 3/18/2019 22:37 PM

Well as soon as I finished telling Cally how brave she is he came ďto check inĒ and told me at work ďG said I caught you looking!Ē And he told G ďnope I donít do that anymoreĒ and a long detailed story about he was really looking at a get well card.

I said no. Either you are afraid G will tell me and you are covering your ass, or itís a completely fabricated story.

He got mad
He told me even discussed it with his IC today (lied to his ICĒ
He tried to punish me by sitting across the room

No, itís not authentic I said.

He stormed out to walk the dog, came back and said that he was walking out the door she passed in from of him, he looked, realized he was looking, and turned around and picked up a get well card, G said, I saw you looking!

He said he told himself a story about not looking cause it made him look better.

Why does he do this? I feel my heart dying every little lie. I know Iím going to have to leave in June, our deadline for when things have to change. Iím afraid he will hurt himself.

secondtime posted 3/18/2019 23:16 PM

SMJ-
Yes, my crackpot therapist actually did tell me my husband could look at porn/get high and still be sober.

I saw her for 8 sessions, so about 3ish months. At the end of the three months, she declared DH and I were completely healed because he had arranged a date for us.

Within the next year, I saw a therapist in the same practice as DH's CSAT. That went much better, but then she retired.

As for the lies...My husband finally stopped lying to himself and me at DDay2, after he'd put together a nice string of sobriety, then started slipping...
All in all, a decade out from DDay1.

After DDay2, DH wrote me this letter where I think he finally accepted that he was an addict. DH announced that he had bared his soul, writing this letter. I remember being terrified about what was in it...And then I read his letter and I was like "Seriously, how dumb are you? I could have told you all of this a decade ago. You are finally getting it now?"

DH now has 5 years of sobriety under his belt. And he's still got so much work to do. If we didn't have kids, I'd probably be gone. I don't have the patience, really to deal with this lack of empathy thing. I had another mixed bag weekend..Sat night I triggered and ended up having a bad panic attack..I couldn't even write or get my breathing to the point where I could talk. DH's response, was again to just stare at me. That's starting to get old.

veryhurt2018 posted 3/19/2019 10:09 AM

I'm so screwed up. More stuff came out last night. He said he's been going to massage parlors too. Ugh!! He said he just got hand jobs and that they don't do anything else. Is that true? I don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth right now so I'm really struggling today!! Thanks for being there everyone. I feel so alone right now!!!

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