Return to Forum List

Return to I Can Relate

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

marji posted 3/13/2019 17:30 PM

Told him that then his job is to prove her wrong; both by his continuted positive actions and by getting involed in group work to see how different he is from "those people" as he calls them.

Shocked Just wondering if she actually advised your H to get involved in group work to see how different he is since it's more typical for therapists working with those who habitually indulged to encourage involvement in the group so they can see how much they do have in common even if there are significant differences; twelve step work is also advised in an attempt to make these guys more introspective; to encourage more connectedness. It's not for encouraging disconnect but a deeper, more thoughtful, more ethical and caring way of life.

They are typically advised to attend at least 6 or more group meetings and to try to find one that they think they'd be more comfortable since they vary greatly by location and size as well as average age, education, and various socio-economic factors. Some groups can be very small--maybe only 5 or 6 people showing up; another could have as many as thirty; some may seem more structured than others.

My H went to meetings because he was initially advised to go by way to help with assessment; later, another therapist, advised he attend because it might help him become more "introspective" and self aware. For about two years my H felt he was "different" because he didn't have the ongoing urges, torments and temptations the other struggled with but at some point he realized he had more in common with them than not--more in common with them than with husbands who were normal. The program is really about a way of life that encourages giving over taking; caring for others; caring to be a better human being.

So perhaps your H's IC was not encouraging him to go as a kind of test but as a means for gaining insight and to start the hard work of changing into a truly trustworthy and healthier person?

Cally1975 posted 3/13/2019 19:13 PM

Wow reading through all the latests posts I can relate so much.
I to literally feel like my whole life exploded. I literally had no idea. I had some terrible feelings in my gut before. Like why are we having sex way less. Why is there times we do and he can't keep an erection. Why is he is so distant and just seems miserable. When these feelings would hit me and I would try to talk to him. He would just say he was in a funk and didn't know why. On the sex topic listen to this! He would say he just didn't have a high sex drive anymore. He wasn't sure what was going on. He even went to the doctor and had his testosterone levels checked. Like he did this doctor visit to to I don't know try and show me he was trying to figure out if something medically was wrong. Meanwhile the flippin pervert is stroking off to tranny porn and getting off at massage parlors!!
Shocked I hardly ever see my husband naked also for years. He always seems so self conscious about his body. He does have extra weight. Not huge but has some chunk. He to was manscaping he said for me. Also with my husband he isn't very well endowed at all. That never bothered me. He was perfect for me. But I know he is self conscious about his size.
I never in a million years would have thought he would have the confidence to get naked at a massage parlor and get off.
As for the hurt and counseling for me to I think I will need this for a long time. I also keep placing blame on myself. Like why wasn't I good enough etc. I am in the process of trying to find a therapist. Ugh called two places and never got a call back.

So a few small updates. The dreaded STD testing. I went to my OBGYN. She was so understanding and even hugged me. I was almost to the point of throwing up going in there. Never thought in a million years I would ever have to do that. She wanted to see a copy of husbands tests. She also did a swab and checked everything out. She said nothing came back on swab. She didn't feel the need to have to do blood with his all negative. She also said on examination everything looked normal and good. That was a relief to know I am okay.
The polygraph is scheduled and paid for. That will take place this Friday. I am seriously about sick to my stomach as the minutes get closer to this test. I am making it a demand because I feel I can't trust him. Just going to pray for strength in case I find out worse. Not sure how much more emotionally I can take. So far he has said masturbation by AMP at parlor. Ya know a prostitute. Puke
But has said no touching, no oral sex, sex etc. He swore only a hand. Has even said they didn't take their clothes off these girls and were fully dressed.

He has gotten a new telephone number.I was shocked he did that. He has had the same number for like 15 years or more. He is attending church. He has a tracker on his phone that I insisted on. When he got the new phone he messaged me asking to send him the link for the tracking location so he could get it on new phone. He has contacted SAA and is going to start going to meetings. He is researching counselors right now and told me he thinks he has found one. He has given passwords for phone, e-mail and facebook. He is not allowed to pull out any cash at all. If he does we are over immediately.
Also this week he mentioned he had an appointment at our chiropractor. They do adjustments and masssage. I go there as well. Very professional medical massage then you get adjusted. It was a HUGE trigger!!! For him to even say he was going there. Or had made an appointment. Go figure he was getting professional massages once or twice monthly with our insurance. Then still getting whacked off!
But anyway I told him that was very insensitive and going to be a huge trigger for me professional or not. He immediately cancelled and said he won't plan to go there at all. He will find another just chiropractor.
He is doing the things mentioned. Doing dishes, grocery shopping, doing his own laundry, and has cooked for me. He holds me when I cry and has broke down crying several times. He is trying to be very supportive and be the man I thought I married. Me I am numb. I cringe everytime he says I love you which is often. I have no desire to greet him when he comes home. My wedding ring is off. I can't bring myself to wear it.
Drinking I did this past weekend. I was so emotional and in so much pain. He gently initiated sex and I reciprocated. I think I wanted to feel anything but this pain even if for a short time. Afterwards I felt numb and almost dirty. I can't really explain it. It's like I want this in our relationship but I don't. Has anyone went through this? He was so different. He was gentle, thoughtful, full of passion and was actually vocal. He didn't jump up immediately like always but instead held me and thanked me and said how much he loved me.
I know probably TMI. But what was your sexual relationship like after Dday? Did it change? Were they more passionate about you because all the stuff hindering their desire to be with you was a halt?

Shocked123 posted 3/13/2019 20:05 PM

Mariji,
The CSAT told my H that he would benefit from a 12 step program. She did not insist as far as I know. He was rather taken aback and has not talked to me about it for about a week now.
I think he's digesting and probably realizing she's right.
It's a big step, especially for somone who doesn't express himself very well. I'll let him come to the realization that it would be a good thing. There is no sense nagging or giving him ultimatums. He will come to realize that he is not progressing in his therapy without group work. THanks for sharing your H's experience. It's encouraging to know that he was able to relate to some of the members even though he does not have the same behavioral issues. I hope mine can relate to their inablity to feel, to express themselves and learn some coping strategies along the way. The massages were but a symptom of a huge problem that needs to be addressed before we move on with this marriage.

Cally,
Your H sounds very cooperative which is encouraging. I'm glad to hear he's being nice to you. So many others on SI have experienced the opposite and their H is in complete denial. At least you have something to work with and he seems willing to do so.
IC for both of you will be very good. You will come to reaaly
appreciate the time just for yourself with a professional. Be patient with yourself and your healing. It takes a long time to accept what has happened and to rebuld a life around this issue. I'm 10 months out and would say that I'm only at the beginning of my journey. Still very far from accepting what I found out and certainly nowhere near trusting him ever again.
As for sex after D Day, we went through a long period of hysterical bonding (yes, it was a thing for us). This was partly due to my lack of any sex life for 10-12 years so I indulged with the man I love and partly because I was worried he would go elsewhere. So whatever physical pleasure I experienced was tempered by my concerns that I wasn't perfoming as well as his service providers, that I wasn't young enough, attractive enough, you get the point. I have yet to tell him that I love him although he tells me all the time. I also have trouble with any type of physical tenderness such as hugging, holding hands etc. It all seems so fake. The frequency of sex has diminished but the intensity is till there. There are times that I wonder how I can be intimate with him after all that he has done but I never stopped loving and desiring him. Somehow he still appeals to me physically.
Cally, I took my wedding band off about a year before DDay. Told him it was too tight and had it cut off. I never put it back on. I knew something was dreadfully wrong but had not idea what it was. It's been two years now and that ring will never see my finger again. As far as I'm concerned that marriage is over.
What we have now needs to be negotiated and discussed over the next few years.
It will never be the way it was. Those days are long gone.

secondtime posted 3/13/2019 21:41 PM

I know probably TMI. But what was your sexual relationship like after Dday? Did it change? Were they more passionate about you because all the stuff hindering their desire to be with you was a halt?

Kid #2 and #4 was conceived during hysterical bonding, after DDay 1 and Dday 2.

DH always has been pretty thoughtful of me and eager to please..Not any more adventurous than sex while he was getting high.

We didn't start connecting during sex until he was sober for about 18 months or so after DDay 1.

Actually, I'm the one now, that is holding back with the sex...which is pretty ironic. One of my personal boundaries is that I won't have sex unless we emotionally connect. Otherwise I feel used..I know in the reconciliation side there's much advice of just doing it, and powering through. I just refuse. If I'm not feeling emotionally safe to be vulnerable...we'll I'm the sex Nazi "No sex for you."

I'm pretty open about the fact that I'm not feeling safe, DH understands it's a consequence of his actions. It is what it is.

secondtime posted 3/13/2019 21:53 PM

I took a hammer to my wedding ring after DDay 2. It felt super good, actually.

I did ask for a engagement/wedding ring when I thought things were going well after DDay 1. Fresh start and all that. And DH obliged. I wanted us to renew our vows and have the priest bless my ring. Thankfully that never happened.

Otherwise I'd have likely taken a hammer to that as well.

The after DDay1 ring ran DH close to the whole cost of our wedding and I do love my ring, in that I think it's a lovely piece of jewelery.

I just don't ever think my husband will be capable of upholding his marriage vows. So, no for me there is sense in having a ring that represents the religious aspects of marriage.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/14/2019 02:14 AM

Having a really hard time tonight...

Unfortunately I did not even get the chance to reconcile, as my SAXH had an exit affair over the summer and into Fall of 2018, with DDay Nov 3. I know most in this thread are still with their spouses, but I just can't find anywhere else where I feel like anyone will truly relate. Sex addiction is such a different beast than anything else.

I am just having such a hard time with the fact that I spent years trying to help him cope with his addictions, and I ended up being the one to get completely clobbered.

As far as I knew at the time the extent of it was masturbation/porn addiction, and specifically his use of my underwear to masturbate. He used to try to lie about what was happening to my underwear. Usually by saying he had no idea what happened to it, or that it must have gotten messed up in the laundry. But then once he couldn't deny it anymore, he would try to spin it as "well shouldn't this be flattering, it means I'm so attracted to you that I want to use your underwear." Or he would blame it on the fact that I "awakened" his sexuality by dressing in nice lingerie for him, and that he had never been that sexual of a person until I came along. I would find oil on everything - carpet, couches, walls, door knobs, mattress - and it would stain all of our clothes so I started only buying black things. He would again deflect, try to say it wasn't what I thought it was.

But after much discussion, we finally got to a point where we could talk openly about it, or so I thought. I tried so hard to help him through all of it, and to be understanding. I told him that masturbation wasn't shameful, that I was only bothered by the deception and destruction of my property. I would even buy lacy underwear specifically for him so that he wouldn't use mine. I would wash it out when he would leave it in the shower so that it wouldn't get moldy. I would buy him special lubricants so they wouldn't get on everything, and when he would insist on using vegetable oil or lotion anyway, I would clean all of the items that got stained by it.

I know now that there were many other warning signs. I was constantly loaning him money, even though he made more money than me. He would pay me back if I demanded it, but he would always question the number. I would keep diligent track of it, and he would always be shocked at how high of a number it was that he owed, and would try to convince me that there's no way it was that much. I would let it slide frequently, just to avoid the argument. I shudder to think of the thousands of dollars I never went after, and what they were really spent on. He would leave to go skateboarding in the middle of the night to "blow off steam." I would find women's clothing and jewelry around the house, which he would blame on his daughters. Strange texts and phone calls in the middle of the night. Strange search histories on my computer, because his computer died and he just could not help himself apparently. Then when I confronted him about the history, he said he was "testing me" to see if I was monitoring him. Finding porn DVDs in the dvd player of his car. Finding dildos in odd places, including kitchen cupboards and the trunk of his car.

My XH seemed to be one of the abnormal SAs who still want to have sex with their wives pretty frequently. So frequently in fact that I would often wake up in the middle of the night to him rubbing up against my back side and touching me all over. I had to have numerous conversations about boundaries, and that if I am asleep, he is not to wake me up like that. He would also bring toys to bed that I just was not comfortable with, even after I had explicitly expressed to him that those were fine for him to use for himself, but that I was not ok with them for me. Or when I would find strange new sex toys around the house, he would insist he bought them for me, even though they were things I would never have used or been ok with him using on me.

Our sex life dwindled, not for lack of him trying, but because I kept withholding. Something in my gut kept telling me something was wrong. When we did have sex it was great, and I felt incredibly connected to him in those moments, but it was very hard to trust him with all of the deception, so it took a lot for me to feel okay with it.

And still, I stayed. I worked on it. I loved him so much that I was willing to work through all of these things that people in normal relationships never have to deal with. I was willing to compromise so much, because I truly believed that is what marriage is about - choosing each other, every single day. I thought, well we said for better or for worse, and this is his worse.

And then the second I enforced what I wanted (to start trying to have a baby) he stopped choosing me and started up an affair with another woman. Post DDay I've also discovered many calls to escorts throughout the years, as well as pretty strong evidence of meet ups from fetish sites. I've discovered a meth addiction, that I can definitively say has been going on for several years, but honestly might have been through our entire relationship. In addition to the affair where I caught them in our bed of course.

But the implosion of our entire relationship came down to the fact that what I wanted - to have kids of my own (he has two daughters) - did not coincide with what he wanted - to keep moving forward full force with his addictions, unabated. Even though we had many, many conversations over the years where he sung my praises, talked about what a wonderful mother I would be, and how he was so excited to have kids "the right way" with someone as intelligent and caring as me. Even though we saved up $10k for a vasectomy reversal just so we could have more kids. Even though I had always asked him if he was positive that he wanted to in essence "start over," and that question was always answered with a resounding, "yes, of course, you and I are the perfect team, why wouldn't I want more kids?"

So how am I the one sitting alone in a 1 bedroom apartment, trying not to wake my neighbor as I bawl my eyes out? Still crawling out from under the mountain of credit card debt I racked up when I had to stay at hotels and AirBnBs after DDay. Sleeping on my couch because I can't afford a mattress, meanwhile he sleeps like a baby on OUR mattress that I couldn't bear to take because SHE had slept in it, and lord knows how many other people over the years. Unable to unpack most of my things because I cannot afford furniture like book shelves, or a file cabinet, and I couldn't bear myself to bring any of the things from our old place because they hold too many memories.

How is it that the empathetic, loving wife who does everything she can to make her husband's and step daughters' lives happier and easier is the one to be completely cut off like I never existed, simply because I dared to hold him accountable? He threatened my step daughters into not speaking to me anymore, so I can only talk to them very covertly, every few weeks or so. How is it that this sick, sick man is still able to see his daughters whenever he wants, but I'm the one who has been cast out?

I will never be able to have a normal relationship with them again. Never again will I be able to come home and make dinner for them, or help with homework, or hang out and have a girls night with face masks and girly movies. It's unlikely I will be able to attend our youngest's high school graduation next year, as there are limited tickets, and I'm sure my XH will give what would have been mine to his AP/new girlfriend. So I'll be forced to watch through the fence as the man who ruined everything gets a front row seat.

I'm trying to reframe things. There are in fact a lot of things to be grateful for. Every day I remind myself how fortunate I am that I did not have a child with this man. Every day I remind myself how fortunate I am that I no longer have to worry about my property being mutilated. I no longer feel anxious when I open my front door, because I'm not worried about whatever oil/lubricant might be all over the door knob, or the wall, or the mattress. I can sit on my couch without fear of getting oil stains on my clothes. I can open my underwear drawer, and I no longer feel the need to count how many pairs there are to verify that none had been taken. I can buy a bottle of vegetable oil for cooking, and I will never be looking for it when I'm making dinner and then find it empty in the shower. I will never again find a forearm sized dildo anywhere in my home or car. I will never again be greeted with images of aggressive porn first thing when I turn on the TV. I don't go to sleep anxious anymore, because I'm not wondering whether my husband will keep his hands to himself that night.

But every day I am still reminded of all of these little traumas. Of the things I got used to. Of the persistent high alert level I forced my body to exist in, in the name of sticking it out, and of making a relationship work. I am seeing a trauma specialist to work through all of this, and it is going to be a VERY long road. Coming to terms with all of this is going to be one of the greatest challenges of my life.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity to gain this much insight into my own thoughts, behaviors, and reactions to his choices. But how on earth is any of this fair? I read your ladies' stories, and I just cannot fathom how any of us deserved any of this. I know we obviously didn't, but somehow it all managed to happen to us anyway. I know the answer here is to work on my codependency.

I just can't help but feel jipped. Angry that of all of the people in the world I fell in love with a sex addict, one who was too disturbed to even admit his addictions to himself. That I fell in love with the kind of person who would consistently put me in danger and lie about it, paying no mind to the consequences as long as he got his own sick pleasure out of it. That even though he committed so many betrayals against me, and he is currently sleeping in our bed with another woman, I still somehow feel like dating someone else would be cheating on him. That I did the right thing, took my time to date, didn't rush a wedding, didn't rush having kids, because I wanted to do it right, and grow old together, and yet still I am left without a husband and without my kids, all because he is addicted and refuses to get help.

Does anyone else feel like they are serving a life sentence for something they didn't do? What the hell did I do in a past life to deserve this kind of karma in this one?

ashestophoenix posted 3/14/2019 07:43 AM

My heart breaks for the pain and suffering here. None of us deserved this. HeHad, we were just unlucky. I think, actually, SA's choose us because we are so responsible and honest. I think what is good about us attracts them.

On sex post D-day.... I had hysterical bonding, but my SAH, he really does not want to have sex with me. He was completely and utterly bonded to his sexual fantasies. I don't think he had sex IRL with others. He would have kept with the safety of distance so his next step was web cam girls/women. During my hysterical bonding period, which I now realize was due to fear and anger on my part....lots and lots of anger, he was not emotionally present at all. I would ask him to keep his eyes open and I could look into his eyes and see when he disappeared into fantasy. Pretty good trick, I thought, and a clue to how deeply addicted my husband was to fantasy. So, the sex was without emotional connection. Now I look back and see that I was having sex with a man who was really about an emotional 10 year old boy. He was so squeamish and fearful. Prior to D-day he had this kind of "macho" self-centered approach to sex. He was also very, very angry. It was all about his "performance." What can I say? My husband is deeply f'ed up about sex. I had figured that out. What I hadn't known was that sex addiction was present. I hadn't known this addiction existed.

I also look back, and this is incredibly difficult for me to say, and realize that the man I was involved with prior to my husband was also an SA. Sigh. He was the kind that wanted sex all the time with me. It was not emotionally connected, loving sex. But, heck, at least I had sex. In hindsight, I think my SAH was probably a relief to me in that he didn't seem as sexually obsessed. Boy oh boy did I get that one wrong.

HeHad, I think I will always be scarred by this experience, but when it feels like a life sentence of suffering, then I go back to focusing on myself and my life. I hear you.

ashestophoenix

[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 7:50 AM, March 14th (Thursday)]

Lifeexploded posted 3/14/2019 09:06 AM

I also have a SAWH who still wanted to have sex with me, and often. However, it was not healthy sex. He had a hard time getting off because he masturbated so much. I now know that he was fantasizing about other women so that's pretty effed up. Baby #6 is a hysterical bonding baby. HB lasted from a couple of weeks after DDay until 8 weeks after the baby was born. We had sex one time after she was born. She is 20 months old now. I have zero desire to have sex with him because he is not emotionally intimate, he is not doing things with recovery that I ask, and he is resentful of certain boundaries I have. For example, if he needs gas for the car, I will not give him cash, I will give him the debit card and ask for a receipt. The reason is because he is also a recovering alcoholic and he used to steal money to buy beer and cigs. He made an ugly comment about it the other day. I just laughed at him.

HeHad, I know it might feel a little demeaning, but have you tried posting on FB classifieds asking for cheap or free furniture? If you add a clean version of your story (just left a cheating husband and have barely any money), people will help you. I see it all the time. People really do love to help. Churches also may be able to offer some assistance. Even if one paid your electric bill one month, that might free up some money to buy a piece of furniture that you need, for example. I am so glad you are out of that situation. My husband used to masturbate while smelling my dirty underwear. It's so annoying to have to hide my underwear rolled up inside of other things and wash clothes often so that I don't worry about whether he is doing that or not.

This morning, SAWH was telling me about a local guy who got fired from his professional job, and now works a menial job. A past AP also came out of the woodwork with a child who is younger than the children he has with his current wife. He is broke because of the job cut + unexpected child support. This guy is known to be a cheater. He cheated on his first wife with a pretty young thing who was a coworker years ago. Anyway, the point of my story is that WH starts acting like he is so much better than this guy. He is talking about how he can't stand him and literally said he isn't "that bad" meaning as bad of a philanderer as this other fellow. I just looked at him, and told him I think they are pretty much the same. He doesn't see it because he didn't actually have intercourse with anyone. I think he got mad, and later he will probably tell me that I hurt his widdle feelings.

veryhurt2018 posted 3/14/2019 12:17 PM

Cally1975, OMG, my WH went on testosterone when all of this was going on (8 years ago), and I didn't even connect that getting an erection could have been the reason. he's never had a problem with that though. For him, he got really tired, so he went to the doctor and they checked that and he was low. He's been on testosterone ever since. I guess I need to talk to our doctor about it. I'm so glad you went to get the STI testing. Glad it's over. I'm a little confused though, why didn't they test your blood? Is it because your WH's came back clean? Please be weary of the polygraph test. Our WH's have been liars for a long time so they know how to lie and get away with it.

HeHadADoubleLife, I am so sorry you are going through this and that you are in so much pain. I could relate to so much of what you wrote. My WH also still had a lot of sex with me. I also had sex with him a lot after D-day. I actually had sex with him the first night that he told me everything. I still don't really understand why I did that. I feel like our sex life has greatly improved after D-day.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on me needing more therapy than my WH. Itís really hard but I feel like Iím never going to heal from this. WH keeps telling me that I have to ďwant to heal and think itĒ. For some reason Iím really struggling with that. I feel like heís doing everything ďrightĒ and heís going to heal before me and HEíS GOING TO CHOOSE TO LEAVE ME, because Iím struggling trying to heal. Does that make sense??

Shocked123 posted 3/14/2019 12:38 PM

Veryhurt,
I also have a fear of him leaving me. I feel that he will somehow justify all of this and feel better about himself after his therapist tells him heís a good person deep down. And then convince himself that what he did isnít so bad, really. Itís noy like he was in love with someone else or anything...Then he will lose patience with me because I canít ďget past itĒ. I will spend years trying to heal and he will pretend heís all better before I can feel the same way.
He will meet some young thing who he wonít tell her the whole story to and she will feel sorry for this poor man who is married to a mean old lady.
This new relationship would give him a way out of his old life/wife and he would cheat on her without getting caught this time.
I think that was a dream of mine one night.
I have an intense fear of giving this reconciliation my all and being rejected in the end. He may very well dig deep enough to find out heís just not happy with me. One of the reasons I never confronted him clearly enough over the years when I knew something wasnít right.;I was convinced that if I brought it up we would have been talking divorce. Something Iím less and less afraid of lately.
Maybe your fears will diminish as time goes on as well.
I used to not be able to picture my life without him. Now Iím finding this to be a lot foe work and wondering if it will ever pay off in the end
How I wish I had known about this before marriage.

Cally1975 posted 3/14/2019 21:02 PM

Very hurt,
She didn't test the blood because all of his came back okay. She wanted to see a copy. I have only been with him. She did a swab and tested and it came out clean. Also an examination.
With the polygraph I did chose a gentleman who has been doing this a long time. He is accredited and also does some pretty extensive work with the police as well as works with DSS and private work like this.
Thanks for the stories ladies about a sexual relationship after Dday. I didn't know hysterical bonding was a thing. So many emotions are running high. But part of me wants need this right now. It's all so confusing.
We are the night before the polygraph. I am a bundle of nerves. The husband just got what seemed to very defensive when I told him the examiner wanted me there to. I won't be in the room. But he wants me there. I said why are you getting defensive. He said he just didn't see why he would need me there, that's all.

veryhurt2018 posted 3/14/2019 21:38 PM

I have an intense fear of giving this reconciliation my all and being rejected in the end. He may very well dig deep enough to find out heís just not happy with me

Shocked123, I feel this too. It's all so screwed up. I'm just so sad that I'm this screwed up in the head now. I was so confident before this, and now I'm just a shell. It's horrible.

Cally1975 posted 3/14/2019 21:50 PM

Shocked,

I also have this same exact fear about reconciling. Like what if I give it my all but yet he leaves in the end.
Also with me my husband was viewing tranny porn, tranny hook up sites. It repulsed me but shocked me to see what he was viewing to get off to. I know enough now to know that SA's have this notion for more bizarre porn to get that high. But I can't help it part of me is fearful that with counseling etc he will discover he is gay or bisexual. Maybe I am wrong. He has never given any indication that he could be. Never requests weird things sexually. He is very macho. But I can't shake the feeling. It's so hard for me to understand these behaviors.

Smjsome1 posted 3/15/2019 00:46 AM

Itís funny, my fear is the opposite, that I just canít forgive. That I hang in here, he continues working on himself, but I leave anyway.
Cause I canít forgive the things heís done.
Cause I donít want to live with the uncertainty of SA.

That Iím wasting my time.

Whatís odd is, I can see visible changes, but I can also see the addiction. I feel like a fool for not having seen it for all those years. Heís a better easier husband.

Another dumb lie, and an attempt to manipulation me, so I just donít see a future with that. And when I say dumb, I mean truly dumb. But, he confessed after a few hours, not after gaslighting me for 9 months.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/15/2019 05:24 AM

Best of luck with the poly Cally! I'm sure I would be a nervous wreck too. It would definitely make me wonder why he was getting defensive over you being there. But then again I would imagine any WS would be jumpy before a poly, let alone a SAWS who will likely have a lot more to fess up to. My best guess is he's probably feeling ashamed of everything, and he doesn't want you to be there because it makes him super vulnerable. Not that you should listen, I definitely think you should go, but at least maybe there's a reason other than what most of us jump to which is "holy s$&! there must be some crazy stuff he is hiding otherwise he wouldn't be so defensive." Vulnerability is really, really hard for a lot of people, especially men.

Re: your fears of finding out he is gay/bisexual - I know the feeling. I found so many dildos over the years I had a couple of panic attacks that he was secretly gay. However its my understanding that, like you said, they are seeking more shocking/out there behaviors - whether its porn, or toys or whatever - because they can't get the same high from the regular stuff anymore. In all honesty, I probably would have preferred to find out that he was bisexual if it meant that the addictive behaviors went away, but I just don't think that's what it was, he was just chasing the high.

Thanks for everyone who replied. I was in crisis mode last night. Still in a similar place tonight. Nights are definitely harder. I often lay awake to avoid the nightmares. For some reason I have less nightmares when I sleep during the day.

Thanks for the suggestions, I've been looking into free furniture on Craigslist and Next Door, so far have not found anything that will work. Plus, I know I was really upset about the lack of furniture, and I definitely am, but I'm also looking forward to decorating my place. When I'm having a better day I like to make savings plans and look at furniture I will buy for myself once I pay down some more of this debt. I had given up hope of owning any nice furniture when we lived together, so I'm hoping to actually save up and decorate exactly how I like it now that I know it won't get destroyed.

Re: sex after DDay. I consider my "real" DDay to be the day I caught him in bed with the OW. And no, there was no sex after that, just some choice words and a Uhaul truck. But in reality I had MANY DDays over the years with different versions of discovery ranging from masturbation with my mutilated underwear/porn to Tinder on his phone and/or texts with escorts. I definitely had some nights where we would jump into bed after the discovery. Usually because the discovery led to a long talk that I felt connected us in some way. I feel like that's often why hysterical bonding happens, because the vulnerability you feel you are getting from them when they open up about their actions makes you feel an emotional connection, and for us women, we need that more than we need physical attraction for sex. But then depending on what the discovery was or how deep in denial he was I would also go the other direction and be so angry and hurt that I wouldn't have sex for months. I felt like he saw sex as a prize, and I didn't want to reward his bad behavior with it. The role I ended up playing of the teacher giving out good behavior brownie points and gold stars in the form of sex was the ultimate demise of our sex life.

And for those of you worrying they will leave, from someone whose spouse DID leave - I will not sugar coat it and say it is easy to deal with. It is absolutely not. HIM being the one to leave ME has been the biggest blow to my ego. And I hear what you are all saying, and I truly could have written the exact same things.

I feel like heís doing everything ďrightĒ and heís going to heal before me and HEíS GOING TO CHOOSE TO LEAVE ME, because Iím struggling trying to heal. Does that make sense??

I have an intense fear of giving this reconciliation my all and being rejected in the end. He may very well dig deep enough to find out heís just not happy with me. One of the reasons I never confronted him clearly enough over the years when I knew something wasnít right.;I was convinced that if I brought it up we would have been talking divorce.

This was always my fear. In my husband's mind, all I ever did was criticize him. His head would spin if he knew how many times I had bit my tongue rather than criticize when things came up that I knew weren't right because I was afraid that it would lead to breaking up/divorce. And if I'm being totally honest with myself, for some reason I felt that I wasn't good enough, and that if I forced him to think about it enough he would find something wrong with me and leave.

I hate that his words of "I changed everything for you, and you didn't change anything for me" and "You didn't listen to me, all you ever did was tell me what I did wrong" keep ringing in my head. I know logically that no matter how critical I was, I didn't deserve any of this. But emotionally I feel like I caused all of it, that I brought it on myself. I must have been a pretty horrible wife if he felt the need to do all of these terrible things over the years, or to end things in such a terrible way, right?

But I also know deep down that I did change a lot of things for him. It's a huge part of the reason why I'm in trauma counseling now, because I changed so much of myself to try to keep sane and keep the peace. I think all of us can relate to that. Sometimes we didn't even know what was wrong for years, but we figured it must be us, so we kept altering our behavior to walk on egg shells around the problem, lest we wake the beast. If I change what type of underwear I wear, then he won't have it to masturbate with anymore, problem solved. Oh wait, now he's using my bathing suits instead. If I make him lunch every day so that he doesn't need to eat out for every work meal, he won't need to borrow money from me anymore, he'll be less stressed, and therefore less angry over things that aren't my fault. Just kidding, he still never has any money, only now he's angry that he doesn't get to eat out as much as he wants to, and that's somehow my fault. I've tried to be really nice and understanding about all of my discoveries so far, and nothing has changed, so now I'm going to change my personality and be bitchy and mean about everything, maybe that will force him to wake up. Nope, that didn't work either, now I'm just a cold, hard bitch instead of the warm, loving person I used to be.

He wanted me to want to have sex every single night, for hours at a time. He wanted to be able to masturbate with my underwear and watch porn at all hours of the night, and me not to say anything. He wanted me to not criticize him for anything, ever. I guess in a way I felt like he deserved criticism, like the least he could do was take criticism when he was putting me through everything else. Not the healthy way to handle it at all, but if I'm diving deep I feel like that's what I was doing. Indirectly punishing him for his SA behavior by being hyper critical over non-SA things like housework and parenting issues.

So yes, I changed a LOT. These just weren't the changes he wanted me to make, nor were they the ones I needed to make. Ironically, my SAWH decided to begin his exit A right as I began therapy. Just as I was beginning to get help so I could develop better coping mechanisms to handle the stressors that go along with all relationships, but especially those with an SA, he began his exit strategy. So yes, in a way, he "healed" before me in that he figured out he didn't want the relationship anymore long before I knew he felt that way, and I am now playing catch up.

BUT, the logical side of me knows that any changes I made should have been for me, not in order to "keep" him. Everything I was doing was to try to keep the peace with the ultimate goal of staying together no matter what. But the "whats" were pretty big issues. I firmly believe that compromise is the key to all relationships. And in no way do I think people shouldn't evolve along with their partner as time goes on. But while keeping a marriage together is an admirable cause, if the two people in the marriage are so different that they have to change so much of themselves in order to make it work, is it really worth it? As much as his SA issues were/are incredibly unhealthy, was asking him to change all of these things unfair of me? Is he even capable of facing them, or is he just a lost cause? Should I have just let him go a long time ago and saved both of us the hassle? These are questions I grapple with every single day.

I don't often journal, but I finally started unpacking a box of paperwork and found this entry from approx 6 months before DDay with the OW, that I felt was particularly poignant:
"Sometimes I worry that I'm not cut out for this. When I was alone, all I ever wished for was a relationship, but now sometimes all I want is time alone. I feel like just my existence is a burden on you. I don't want or intend to be one, but when it comes down to it, my lifestyle choices and yours are so different. What I'm asking for just doesn't make sense to you, and I can't fathom why not, so then we're left with two sides who don't understand why the other would do things that way, and there's no meaningful change in either direction, so we're just in a stale mate... I love you so much that it's hurting me. I'm willing to do anything for you, and that sometimes puts me in compromising positions. I want so badly to be with you and to make this work. But if makes me feel like I'm a horrible person for even saying that - "make it work." Am I asking too much of you? Am I asking too much of myself? Or is this just how relationships work?"

I feel like it can't be a coincidence that I almost never journal anything, and yet today was the day I finally started to unpack and I just happened to find this.

I am reminded of several quotes from "If Life is a Game, These are the Rules":
"You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "Life on Planet Earth." Every person or incident is the Universal Teacher."
"A lesson is repeated until it is learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it."
"If you don't learn easy lessons, they will get harder."
"You will know you've learned a lesson when your actions change."

And last but not least, "You always get what you want. Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences and people you attract - therefore, the only foolproof way to know what you want is to see what you have. There are no victims, only students."

So for those of you worrying about your SA waywards leaving, know this - as hard as it is to be cast aside and forced to start over, it has been incredibly eye opening to the dysfunction I was tolerating and living in every day. I don't know if I could have possibly seen it for what it was without the separation I have now, and maybe the A was what I needed to happen in order for me to see that. For those who are in R, I sincerely hope that these revelations about your spouse are what you needed in order to build a stronger, healthier M. But even if it ends up in D despite all of your best efforts, no matter how this all happens for everyone, the introspection that comes along with it is an incredibly good thing. I faced the ultimate rejection, but I will come out of this a better person, because I am taking the time to heal myself for me now. All of the work I did to heal with my SAWH was not in vain, because I am a better person for trying to understand and cope with it. If anything, a crisis like this forced me to get IC which I probably should have had for a very long time. I have a Talkspace therapist who I can text anytime. I have a trauma counselor to help guide me through the rougher patches that my Talkspace therapist just doesn't have the capacity to. And I have a wonderful community of people here on SI that I would never have found if it weren't for his A. I had no idea how many other people were living with sex addiction until I found this site, and I feel so much less alone now that I know how prevalent it is.

There are life lessons to be learned from all of this, and maybe this is the kick in the ass I needed to actually start learning them.

Wishing everyone healing!

DogsnBooks posted 3/15/2019 09:09 AM

Has anyone ever gone to a joint meeting with their WS? My WHís SAA group is having a joint meeting next week for spouses to attend as well. I think itís going to be more of a social gathering than a full regular meeting.

Idk Iím really nervous and unsure about going. It feels vulnerable and weird and who knows what heís told them about me.

marji posted 3/15/2019 10:40 AM

Dogs There are weekly SA -SANON couples meetings at the center where I attend the SANON group. My H and I never attended the couples meetings but Ive heard good things from the women who do go regularly. We never went because of time restrictions but we will be going soon. These meeting are not social events although over the years several couples have formed friendships and do socialize.

But I understand your concerns and Im thinking you might ask to speak with one of the other partner/wives who might be attending in order to get some idea of what you might expect at this one though I guess, like with any of these meetings, there's no guarantee that something said by someone might cause some sort of discomfort.

Are the wives attending, women who have their own support group that you attend? If so, then if you are comfortable with your support group that might help you feel less vulnerable at the couples event; that is if something did make you feel uncomfortable it would be something you could discuss at your group and find help with.

DogsnBooks posted 3/15/2019 11:02 AM

Marji

I do go to an Sanon group occasionally but thereís only like 3 people there and donít think any of them are the spouses of anyone in my WHís group.

My WH really wants me to go so I can meet his sponsor and his sponsorís wife ... is this a good thing? It feels weird to me. I donít know why.

marji posted 3/15/2019 11:33 AM

Dogs A good sponsor's wife can be very helpful, very supportive for you. Again, I would ask to speak to your H's sponsor's wife and share your concerns with her. She should be able to give you a good idea of what to expect but even more important, just speaking with her might put your mind at rest.

I'd also be asking her if she's part of a support group that you might find more helpful than the very small group you occasionally attend now.

Ideally, attending a support group is helpful if we attend regularly and participate as much as possible. Several people who have been attending for over 10 years in the group I go to have repeatedly said that the group helped them far more than the expensive therapy they used for many years. But it's a large group --sometimes as many as 15 people--and very cohesive.

Your not knowing if the women in the SANON group you sometimes attend have husbands in your H's SAA group leads me to think you've not formed close and supportive relationships with these women; perhaps there is another group that would serve you better.

Dogs, it can be a good thing to meet with your H's sponsor; some partners/spouses of SA insist on it; some have periodic talks to help ensure honesty and promote communication in much the same way as they would periodically meet with their H's IC. But again, if you feel weird about doing so then maybe it would be best to first speak on the phone before going to a meeting.

Cally1975 posted 3/15/2019 14:40 PM

Very hurt,
Also on the testosterone. My husband went to the doctor to ask about this. I think he was trying to make it look like he was concerned and may have a medical problem. Our sex life was becoming less and less. Then there were many times he would just lose his erection as soon as it began. He was also very very emotionally pulled back during this particular time. Like no foreplay, no holding. Just jump on and get off then done. His testosterone levels checked out just fine. He was in the normal range. With him it was just the addiction I know now. Not much left for the wife when you are jerking off constantly and going to massage parlors.

Just sitting here waiting for this polygraph to get done as I type. Never ever thought my life would come to this. No parking lot confession before the test. So we shall see. He has been in there for an hour and a half so far.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum List

Return to I Can Relate

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy