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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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ShatteredSorrow posted 2/14/2019 14:07 PM

[This message edited by ShatteredSorrow at 2:08 PM, February 14th (Thursday)]

Lionne posted 2/14/2019 14:43 PM

do you think you can live a happier life with them or without them at this point

Yes! Thanks for that! You've distilled my problem down to a manageable question.

I don't know the answer, but it gives me a direction.

ShatteredSorrow posted 2/15/2019 04:52 AM

Yes! Thanks for that! You've distilled my problem down to a manageable question.

I don't know the answer, but it gives me a direction.

I'm so glad it helps ❤️

Lionne posted 2/15/2019 09:14 AM

Sooooo. I finally opened the Valentine's card. He wrote a nice-ish message. But the commercial words said:

"You are the first and last..."

Should I mention to him that this clearly leaves out all the whores in the middle?

I won't. But I really want to.

Smjsome1 posted 2/15/2019 12:05 PM

I would, and I’d want to ... that’s me though!

My valentines gift was the realization that my SA is basically a dry drunk. At least, that’s what I think that’s what dry drunk means

We’ve had a two week break from MC/My IC due to weather, schedules, etc.

He’s been lying to all of us, or rather, to his “support system” and IC. Telling me he’s telling them all the hard stuff. Keeping us all compartmentalized

But in reality he’s just trying to “look good” for them - smooth waters instead of talking about the real stuff. He likes the “atta boys”. Or as I told them last night “the emotional blow jobs”

If he really wants to be healthy he’d tell his IC what’s really going on, instead of lies.

It’s a cycle - he “does the work”. Gets caught in a stupid lie tied to his hiding himself, trying to look good, blaming someone else, etc, he “really makes changes”. “Now he gets it”. Etc. float along - repeat.

The worst is, he has changed, I like him more. But it’s not enough to change a little, I need real work that gives us a real chance.

We had MC at 5 pm and as we walked in I warned him it wasn’t going to go well. I’d made notes and a timeline of the past month and a half. I ended up crying hysterically, MC sent him out and we talked a long time

Yes he is not acting out, yes he’s going to IC, etc
But he’s not really doing the work, I’m the only accountability and I cannot take it. My nightmares are full on all the time, I’m not functioning in life, I just cannot. I spend my life looking for the lie, and I shouldn’t, he has people in place for that who aren’t doing that, his IC, his “accountability (feel good) partner”

I don’t see a future - because he’s not really working on himself. I’m done I said I cannot do this anymore.

She and he had a no bullshit talk. He had to contact each of his people and have real talks with them. My IC/our MC isn’t one to take any crap.

For logistical reasons he has until June - if nothing really changes I’m out. That’s the deadline, but honestly, I can leave today.

I’m just so sad. So broken. I really thought we were on the right track, but in reality he was just playing games

secondtime posted 2/15/2019 13:46 PM

Lionne

Smjsome1- the realization that my husband is a dry drunk was the worst for me. Worse than even dealing with discovering his relapse.

I didn't really get out of bed for like 24 hours. Lots of ugly crying. It was bad.

Like your husband, mine has changed. But it's not enough.

Though, my husband is just starting back up with an IC (not a CSAT, but recommended by my therapist who works with SAs) to get all the emotional stuff worked through. We'll see if we end up doing MC or not.

My husband knows, though, that this is pretty much his last shot. He's told me he knows if he doesn't get a handle on this, there likely will be no growing old together. Which was his motivation for seeing an IC. (I'm not really thrilled about that part, though).

DH got me a biggish for us GC to a local independent lingerie store. It's not what it seems. For the past two years, my chest changed with being pregnant with #4 and they really didn't go back to what they were before #4. So, it's money to get me 1-2 good bras.

I'm SO excited to go and have a professional fitting and to have someone figure out what size I am and to have undergarments that really do fit me.

Lionne posted 2/15/2019 14:30 PM

Oh God, I hate bras. I'm short, under 5', average weight, but my boobs are 32E. Think you can buy a 32E? Nope. I did go and have a fitting at a boutique, bought 2 great bras but man, they dig into my ribcage unless I'm standing bolt upright. I have very little space between the bottom of my boobs and my navel. Not to mention, at 65, with Two babies who were breastfed until 14 months each, those unbraed boobs find their way close to my navel.A

Lying.seems to be the most pervasive and hardest to change behavior. Obviously, since my husband was sober, according to him, for about six years before he backslid. IDK that might have been a lie, too. They have lied to themselves since early childhood.

Amateur psychologist that I am, I think I know what drives his behavior. But I don't really give a flying f@(k. He CHOSE to be deceitful, unfaithful and mean.

On another note, apparently I completely skipped 2018 as regards to my female health. No regular checkup, no mammogram, no breast MRI. I.am high risk for breast cancer so now I'm fretting. I did manage to get a well woman check for next Wednesday, a year late.

Ugh. That is so not like me.

ShatteredSorrow posted 2/15/2019 15:20 PM


@smjsome1

I’m not functioning in life, I just cannot. I spend my life looking for the lie

@lionne

Lying.seems to be the most pervasive and hardest to change behavior
.

So for me this is the biggest problem. All of it is horrible. All of the actions are horrifying. But this is the thing that is the nail in the coffin so to speak.

Staying means always looking for the lie. That becomes a forever part of life. And staying means knowing you are staying with someone who doesn't know how not to lie. Who will likely continue to lie except when caught. And who, even if they didn't lie, you wouldn't believe they weren't lying.

[This message edited by ShatteredSorrow at 3:21 PM, February 15th (Friday)]

ashestophoenix posted 2/15/2019 15:43 PM

The lying...whew, it's so ingrained. My husband to this day still wants to put forward this fake "I'm pefect" image which no one who knows him believes. Over and over again he's told by therapists, mens' group members, psychotherapy groups members, the dogs...be authentic, be honest, be vulnerable, say your truth. But...he won't do it.

My husband is changing as well. I do like him more, but really, not enough to marry the guy. Here's what I know: the work they have to do takes a LONG time. My husband is seriously broken. He is still so self-loathing and so broken. His healing is very, very, very slow.

Doesn't mean it's my job to make him feel better or to hold his hand through this process. I'm done doing that. I did that while he betrayed me so not going to do that again. I truly see how the addiction stunted his emotional development. My husband has no resiliency, no self esteem, no self worth. That's a tall order to fix after a lifetime of being an asshole. But that's his journey.

We can stay or go. I'm still here in my business arrangement with my husband. It's not great, but it's okay for now as I continue to heal and look forward to my life.

ashestophoenix

[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 3:44 PM, February 15th (Friday)]

DestroyedWife80 posted 2/15/2019 16:22 PM

Staying means always looking for the lie. That becomes a forever part of life. And staying means knowing you are staying with someone who doesn't know how not to lie. Who will likely continue to lie except when caught. And who, even if they didn't lie, you wouldn't believe they weren't lying.

Wow!!!! This is such cold, hard truth for me. Wow.

And...I have ALREADY caught him acting out and lying to me since D-Day #1!!!

I 100% believe that every time I confront him on something, he just hones his deception techniques a little more. Little by little he will learn to get so good, I won't have any idea when he IS acting out.

DogsnBooks posted 2/15/2019 17:53 PM

It’s a cycle - he “does the work”. Gets caught in a stupid lie tied to his hiding himself, trying to look good, blaming someone else, etc, he “really makes changes”. “Now he gets it”. Etc. float along - repeat.

The worst is, he has changed, I like him more. But it’s not enough to change a little, I need real work that gives us a real chance.

My god, I could’ve written this myself. If I had a dollar for every time my SAWH suddenly had a “come to Jesus moment” (aka nothing changes) .... well actually, I don’t even know what I would do with that much money!!

Oh God, I hate bras. I'm short, under 5', average weight, but my boobs are 32E. Think you can buy a 32E? Nope.

LOL Lionne, I feel your pain! I’m 5’2” and a 30DD (used to be 32DD but then lost weight, thanks depression!!). They aren’t too big but it’s an impossible size to find. And for everyone in stores who suggest it, NO my “sister sizes” will NOT work. I’m a 30 band. I can’t do a 32 or god forbid a 34!!

bluetears posted 2/15/2019 23:53 PM

First of all, Shut up to all of you big booby ladies! I'm a 36C but apparently it does not matter how big or small our boobs are. They will still look for "different" ones. right?

Shattered- I agree with you. I don't think I can stay. I'm figuring out how to leave and be happy again. I'm sorry, but I do not think I can live like this forever with a liar who will never tell me the truth. Just MO.

I'm proud of the women on this site who stay. I also feel the pain of the women who need to stay because of children, money, stability, etc. None of us know the actual situation that each of us are in but I hope we all make the best decision to be happy again.

Lionne- You are my hero! NO! Not because of your boob size! But, because you are so intelligent! You/We need to write a book and include all of us! It would be "real shit" from "real women" who have been through this crap!

On my Dday, I felt like I was the only "dumb ass woman" that was ever blindsided and found out my husband was doing the most nasty crap I could ever imagine. Probably our entire marriage.

I started searching for any books or help I could find. I read several that were ok but never hit the real root of what I was going through. Then I found this site. Trust me! If we can get a book going about this? I would have bought it!

P.S. My Valentine's Day present was a new Broom because he has been using mine/ours to brush off the snow this week on our rigs every morning and ruined it. To tell ya the truth, I liked it! WTF? I guess the honeymoon is over.

bluetears posted 2/15/2019 23:59 PM

OH, and the way I feel these days?, I need a new "BROOM" to get to work. Jus sayin

[This message edited by bluetears at 12:03 AM, February 16th (Saturday)]

Lionne posted 2/16/2019 03:46 AM

@blue, you embrace that inner witch!_Good for you!

As to boob size, the grass is always greener isn't it! I've briefly considered surgery but am too chicken. And cheap.

One of my SANON friends is of slight build like .e with matching smallish boobs. She said she was so happy to meet me cause then she realized it wasn't her small boobs that caused her husband to cheat.

And I'm far too scattered brained to organize a book!

Hugs my dear friends.

ShatteredSorrow posted 2/16/2019 12:30 PM

I need someone to PM me so I can vent please!

ShatteredSorrow posted 2/16/2019 12:51 PM

Also, @Lionne, I just read your story in your profile and what a freaking roller coaster. I want to drop kick your husband in his face (or better, balls) for everything he's put you through. And knowing the recent relapse that isn't included there makes that feeling even stronger.

secondtime posted 2/18/2019 08:14 AM

Vent:
I hate the days where I can't cope with my situation in a way that I would like to.

It's rough. I'd like nothing more than to just stay at home today and watch some TV, craft, nap.

But, I can't. Not enough PTO in the world to accommodate life's needs and the weather.

Off to figuratively grit my teeth and force myself to go about my day.

DevastatedDee posted 2/18/2019 09:19 AM

Staying means always looking for the lie. That becomes a forever part of life. And staying means knowing you are staying with someone who doesn't know how not to lie. Who will likely continue to lie except when caught. And who, even if they didn't lie, you wouldn't believe they weren't lying.

ShatteredSorrow, yeah. That and accepting that you shared your life so intimately with someone who has to learn empathy. Someone who can reduce you to a nothing in their heads at any given point. When I fully realized these things, I lost any love I had left for him.

bluetears posted 2/18/2019 20:34 PM

Lionne- "Whores in between"? No shit! You crack me up! What the hell is wrong with these partners? IMO, they lost their most loyal, loving and best friend they will ever find!

Yep, the grass is always greener?! I can not wait until mine actually finds a 25 year old gold digging bikini barista prostitute and spends the night with her. Just wait until his "Ulcerative Colitis" kicks in about 1 or 2 in the morning? I hope she has a ton of "toilet cleaner" on hand because she is gonna need it.

"Is there any empathy ever?". I'm sorry, but in my case, I don't think so. Mine is so immature that I don't think he even knows what that word means.

Shattered - You can to this! We all have to! (read your IM)

Second - Keep going! I have stayed home from work and sat on the chair and was so depressed and felt so sorry for myself many times. There were days that I would stay home the next day too. WTF? To waste my sick time because of HIM?! Fuck that! Don't screw your job up because of that asshole!

He left Sunday to go out of town to work and I immediately changed the sheets on MY bed. I could be in a commercial because my bed smells so GOOD NOW! No Nasty Husband ASSSSSS Smell!

I feel great today! Do something for yourself! I had an awesome girl night last Saturday!

Make a plan! With him or without him. Set a goal! I am....and I feel really good!

[This message edited by bluetears at 8:35 PM, February 18th (Monday)]

DestroyedWife80 posted 2/19/2019 00:38 AM

Blue-

Great idea!!!! I am eager to 'focus on me' and all that good stuff. However- I need help with the details on HOW to actually do it.

Can we list ways to help us boost ourselves up, self-care, healing ideas to put the plan into action? I'd love the inspiration!!!

This is what I am doing (and it seems very simple, but for me it is invaluable):

- I am seeing a counselor who specializes in Partners of SA...she is expensive ($150 a session) and I am using all of my health savings...but it's worth it. At least while I am stuck with WH, we are financially better off & I can afford counseling with someone I find extremely helpful and I 'click' with!

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