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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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Lionne posted 2/10/2019 14:49 PM

I spent the first five years after a dday (turns out it wasn't the last one) angry. I hated it, it's so not me. I was pissed off, resentful, bitchy, although not out loud for the most part. These people are selfish, sick, ignorant assholes. IDK how bad your childhood, your sex life, your marriage, your stress, there is NO EXCUSE for cheating in any way, shape or form. For me, that includes porn, it clearly takes away from intimacy, makes people feel inadequate because they don't writhe like porn stars, and victimizes and dehumanizes (mostly) women.

If you are unhappy because your marriage isn't working, do something about it in an adult fashion, get help, get counseling, get divorced.

He is a jerk, they all are. I'm so sorry.

PLEASE don't let your experience convince you that your picker is broken. It's all on them. And if you stay too long in an abusive relationship, part of the reason is that you are dealing with trauma, or you made a economic decision or are just not ready for a myriad of reasons. If it's right to leave, you'll figure that out. If it's right to stay, that will be the decision that works for you. I'm not suggesting we stop looking at ourselves, but man! These assholes made choices all on their own.

ElZorro posted 2/10/2019 17:44 PM

I’m going to give a read/listen to “Sex Addiction 101” by Robert Weiss. Has anyone ever read it? Thoughts?

marji posted 2/10/2019 17:57 PM

NHDM I understand your IC advising you not to leave until you have made serious progress working on your own issues; you said she thought if you left you'd go back to him or to another poor choice partner. But I don't understand your thinking you have to work to R. While leaving normally precludes R, staying doesn't equate with R. You can use your time and your energy to work just on yourself--finding what gives you most joy in life and devoting yourself, your time, your thoughts to those things.

marji posted 2/10/2019 17:59 PM

ElZorro My H and I read that Weiss book and thought it was the best of the SA books at the time--that was about 3.5 years ago and we probably read more than a dozen.

bluetears posted 2/10/2019 21:21 PM

Part of me thinks any man would do this. So might as well just be alone.

Nothisdoormat - I've been thinking the same thing! But, I am NOT going to be ALONE after this is over. I am going to be a very happy single independent woman. To tell you truth, I'm actually getting excited about it.

I am a dog lover and dogless now because I lost mine a few years ago. When this is over, my first stop is the Humane Society. I am going to adopt the most badass loyal dog who can sniff out any asshole that tries to cross my threshold! And this very loyal dog?..... He gets my WH's side of the bed including his pillow!

DevastatedDee posted 2/11/2019 10:35 AM

Bluetears, yes! I am single, but I don't feel alone like I did in the marriage. I had 3 dogs, two were rescue Chihuahuas and one is a mini-Aussie. Within a month of leaving I had two more Chihuahuas. When I lay in bed at night, I have anywhere from 3-5 small dogs cuddled up against me. Men are optional at this point. Dogs are necessary. There's a love I can trust and return in full with no hesitations or fears. I fall asleep surrounded by love and devotion and that is not a feeling my WH could give me for quite a while.

I bought the first house that is 100% mine. I decorate only how I want to. I have my own routine and oh my goodness, the freedom of not being suspicious and hurt by a spouse. Unreal how wonderful that feels.

You will be just fine.

Lionne posted 2/11/2019 11:38 AM

Weiss has a bunch of resources on His website that are free including webinars, meetings, etc. I haven't found them terribly useful as a partner but ymmv. I think it is useful for addicts.

ashestophoenix posted 2/11/2019 12:18 PM

Friends, I believe this forum is for PARTNERS of sex addicts. It is not for addicts or those questioning if they are addicts. To ask partners to provide support, in my view, is not good for us.

If you are an addict or think you may be, there are many support resources. My advice is to get to a 12 step program as soon as possible. SLAA, SCA, SAA...there are lots of programs.

ashestophoenix

bluetears posted 2/11/2019 12:55 PM

Devastated - Good for you!! You gave me a lot to look forward to.

Ashes - I was wondering the same thing! I've had to bite my tongue a few times because the posts were bothering me and I wanted to answer. Thank you! Great Job with that post!

DestroyedWife80 posted 2/11/2019 16:57 PM

Thank you Ashes. I do agree.

That kind of healing needs to be done at a different place, imho. I think its better for the SA and for the victims of the SAs.

We have all spent countless hours unraveling the skein of fucked-up-edness of our own SA.

And- god bless those that have reached out to help him- I think that is just part of their generous and compassionate nature.

Lionne posted 2/11/2019 17:40 PM

Cats for me. I don't enjoy getting out of bed to walk a pup. But I'm thinking of volunteering at the local shelter to walk dogs.

I agree. I just wasn't assertive enough to speak up.

My husband wants to add a third cat to our cattery. I think he thinks it may sway me. He doesn't know that I've actually researched companies that transport kitties to New homes.

I'm not ready to make any decisions.

Smjsome1 posted 2/11/2019 23:32 PM

Lionne - your H wanting a third cat reminds me

Every single time WH would deploy/go for training/etc right before he’d leave he’d bring home a new pet. Kitten, dog, etc. It got to so I’d list out loud what he wasn’t allowed to bring home. I forgot fish, he got fish.

This is interesting, in light of yours trying to lock you in with a new cat.

We are still in separate rooms, but graduated to doing things together, etc. he says he’s doing what I ask. My gut tells me things are not “danger danger”, but I’m not inviting him back to my room anytime soon. I also pulled all his “support people” into my world and made them aware he was playing them. I even told his accountability partner “you are the new AP/Cumdumpster without the fucking, he tells you what you want to hear so you will tell him how awesome he is”. He didn’t say anything, just got quiet.

My SAWH has a very honest face, and is very good at playing people. They stupidly want to believe him. I know, I did that for 32 years, not anymore. I also told him I think his IC needs to start being harder on him, or I’m out.

Other then that life is good enough. I’m getting my work room in the new place organized, I have all my apnea storage out and my label maker. Organizing makes me peaceful.

secondtime posted 2/12/2019 01:00 AM

I think I've hit my low and I'm committed to only going up.

I should email my therapist and see if I can get back in earlier than we had planned. I've gone a decade without self-injuring. Twice in a month, now. Second time worse than the first.

Ugly fighting infront of the kids.

As if all the stuff with DH isn't enough, FOO issues are back in my face. Still triggered by all that. Too eager to paint FOO and DH with the same brush stroke. DH is right. They are not exactly the same, and so I will relent there..My black/white thinking will not serve me well. But, I can't function under all grey, either.

Tired of being patient with DH. Time goes so fast, but feels so slow too. I want results 2 months ago..on the work DH still needs to do.

Smjsome1 posted 2/12/2019 14:43 PM

2nd time - . Yes, moving your therapy up is good. Very good.

Hugs

veryhurt2018 posted 2/13/2019 13:33 PM

What does FOO stand for? Thanks.

Lionne posted 2/13/2019 19:15 PM

FOO is family of origin. Often a source of pain for people, and in some cases it provides background information about why we often put up with things we should not have.

I know my husband has some trauma from his childhood and he recently revealed peer related sexual assault when he was an adolescent. His family was as dysfunctional as most, but outwardly supportive. His parents were distant but loving. When I met them, I was so impressed. They were creative adults, with culture and polish. I later saw some of the dysfunction in his mother's treatment of his father, she "took care" of him to the point of treating him like a child. She justified it by pointing out his artistic personality which in her mind, meant he couldn't do stuff like choose his own clothing or decide whether he wanted vegetables with his dinner.
My family was just a hot mess. Addiction, abuse, both emotional and physical. My mother disliked me and made sure I knew that regularly. We had a 3 bedroom house, 5 beds and, at one point had 9 people living there. I have NO IDEA where I slept until I was about 11. I think I went to bed in one place and woke in another.
Instead of choosing to deal with my FOO issues with drugs or alcohol or sex addiction, I worked 3 jobs to put myself through college and moved out the day I signed my first teacher contract. I'm not saying I didn't have work to do, didn't make some poor choices but none of them ever hurt another person. I got counseling and did what I could to become healthy.
I am SO SO resentful. I get that it is so unfair of me to judge him about how poorly he chose to deal when I think I got the shitty end of the stick and he had, by comparison, a dream life.
But there it is, I am pissed. I would have ADORED a mother who encouraged and allowed me to take music lessons instead of making fun of me when I sang while washing the dishes.
It all sucks.

secondtime posted 2/13/2019 23:15 PM

Instead of choosing to deal with my FOO issues with drugs or alcohol or sex addiction, I worked 3 jobs to put myself through college and moved out the day I signed my first teacher contract. I'm not saying I didn't have work to do, didn't make some poor choices but none of them ever hurt another person. I got counseling and did what I could to become healthy.
I am SO SO resentful. I get that it is so unfair of me to judge him about how poorly he chose to deal when I think I got the shitty end of the stick and he had, by comparison, a dream life.

I was the same way, sort of. While my parents were dysfunctional, they did support my activities. Busyness and industriousness was valued in my family. I figured out being a workaholic was my ticket out of my home environment by the time I went to high school. It was one of my go-to coping mechanisms.

Actually, it still is. DH and I couldn't figure out why I am spirally recently. Turns out, grad school is the tipping point. When I'm in school, my brain just doesn't have room to process anything. When I'm on break..then my brain starts processing things, and then I ask questions...and try to make sense of things...and down, down, down we spiral.

I'm taking this summer off from school. We're starting to prep for the fact that I'm going to be in a bad place because I'll likely do even more processing. I've already alerted my therapist that I'll need to see her more frequently, and we'll have to make more time for me to engage in some self-care.

I feel like I've forgotten so much this time around. After DDay1, I didn't even want to try to understand DH's reasoning...because when I tried it seemed like an exercise in futility. And I had better things to do than engage in futile things.

For some reason, I'm really driven, this time for DH to give me a reason why he relapsed and lied about it for so many years. Of course, the discussion is all so circular. And it drives me up a wall.

I also am forgetting all.the.time. that DH is simply not capable of being a partner right now. Which causes a ton of friction too. If only I could remember that my husband isn't capable of being an adult emotionally, I'd be doing a whole lot better. How does one go about reminding themselves of that? Scheduled self-talk? Sticky notes placed where you see them multiple times a day?

Lionne posted 2/14/2019 00:33 AM

That's a difficult question. Why do we expect them to have changed after years of therapy/step work/sessions of turmoil and confrontation? Isn't the definition of insanity repeatedly engaging in an action and expecting a different outcome? I'm pretty sure I'm insane, at least if I allow myself to feel.
I've got myself into a pattern of emotional eating and inactivity. I lack motivation to do the things that I enjoy, although I'm forcing myself to get to the gym.
So, a question to my friends here...my husband's acting out has taken the form of porn on his phone. His fellowship is adamantly opposed to porn blocking software. I am insisting on it. I don't want to be the monitor, he needs to find an accountability partner that isn't me.
So, helpful or not? What's been your experience?

secondtime posted 2/14/2019 13:12 PM

So. After DDay1, DH's CSAT insisted that we put NetNanny on our Computer. A decade ago, DH wasn't using his phone for porn.

Well, NetNanny was useful for helping DH get some sobriety under his belt.

It wasn't useful when DH decided to use his phone and tablet to view porn during his relapse. It wasn't useful to stop middle circle behavior, which for DH included trolling twitter emails for pictures of attractive women to start his acting out rituals.

So. If you are going to do the porn blocking software, I would get it put on every single electronic device in the house.

Otherwise, honestly, I wouldn't bother. If your husband is hell bent on getting high. He'll get high however he can.

The conversations I've had with DH are ridiculous.
I've asked him, why didn't you get porn blockers for your phone and tablet the first time. His answer was "Well, I didn't use them to watch porn and get high."

I'd respond "And you thought you'd never, ever, ever use them to get high." And DH would legit say "Yes. I only used the computer in the past."

And I've essentially asked him how stupid he really was. Because that's just stupid. Not to sit down and think "I'm a sex addict. Today I might not watch porn on my phone, but I just might sometime down the line if I really want to. How should I prevent myself from doing that?"

But, really, it was another sign that my husband wasn't ready to embrace the fact that he's an addict. Own it. Admit it. Understand that he thinks he was doing the work, but he really isn't.

I'm still not sure he's really willing to do the work. He's still happily minimizing his behavior. I have no problems calling him out on it, though, this time. He calls his multi-year relapse a mistake. I'm like. No. A mistake is forgetting to send in a permission slip for a field trip or putting the garbage out on garbage day. Destroying a marriage on purpose because you valued your selfish needs above the everything. That's not a mistake.

This morning, before I left for work, he finally said the he understood that he brought this all on himself when he apologized and tried to reassure me. I had to wait almost two years after DDay2 to hear that. A decade after DDay1.

At this rate, I'm not sure we'll live long enough for my husband to really get everything he needs to

ShatteredSorrow posted 2/14/2019 14:01 PM

Ok so it's Valentines day and I'm 2.5 glasses of wine in.. but fuck this shit.

When I thought it was an affair I was devastated. DEVASTATED. This is the man I thought was my soulmate and I LOVED him. Still care about him. Gave him 2 children WHILE he was doing this shit unbeknownst to me.

I still tried to work through it. I still didn't want to let go of the lie of a relationship I thought we had, or could have at least. And he convinced me the same. I didn't want to lose everything I'd invested so much in. And I didn't want to raise our kids alone.

But when I found out he was still lying and there were prostitutes and more.. I don't know how you come back from that. I don't know how you live your life with someone who you don't and never will trust. Because you now know they are a masterful liar. I don't know how you can have joy and self love and self respect if you stay at that point.

Maybe you can. Maybe I'm wrong.

But in my head, if it's a choice between miserably trying to understand and accept them and police their actions like they're a child for the rest of our lives, and being alone and figuring out how to live without them and be happy, there is no question that we need to choose our own sanity, well being and happiness.

They stole away all the years we thought our relationship was different than they knew it was, we can't let them steal away any more time with lies, deceipt or Rug sweeping.

The only question that matters at this point is, "do you think you can live a happier life with them or without them at this point?". I feel like I have more chance of being happy alone or with someone else than I do staying with him.

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