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Betrayed Womenz Thread

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cocoplus5nuts posted 9/16/2019 16:15 PM

I don't agree that a child has to respect a cheating parent anymore. That parent doesn't deserve respect. He should probably be civil since they live in the same home, but respect? Nope. If your CH wants to earn his son's respect back, he needs to start by talking with the boy about what he did then and what he is doing now.

My fch travels a lot for work. He was living in a different state when he cheated. He didn't do anything when we were together. He has deployed for months since dday. He checks in when he can, calls, video chats, sends pics. We can't do that 24/7. Nothing I can do about it.

Newbeginnings, I take it your CH isn't remorseful? I don't know much about the fog. Never paid much attention to it. 18p is the way to go with an unremorseful CP if you aren't ready to leave yet. Hang tough!

Newbeginnings24 posted 9/16/2019 16:29 PM

Thanks cocoplus5nuts,
I was ready to leave after becoming trapped in his narcissistic bullshit and the constant peeling off of the scab over the deep wound he has caused. He is well and truly on a path of destruction. Distant from family, isolating himself from friends. I read the fog and feel like it describes him which makes me feel slightly better that he isnít thinking rationally and in time he will reappear and be able to pick up where he left off with our DD. He has done too much damage for us to reconcile.
The NC has caused him emotional trauma but he is still hell bent on his fantasy land with OW. I donít think it will hit home until he has well and truly lost everything. Itís like watching someone jump in front of a train and you canít stop them. But then heís intelligent so maybe his thoughts are clear and he is happy with the captain of his ship being the OW.

EllieKMAS posted 9/16/2019 19:09 PM

The NC has caused him emotional trauma

Ummmmmmm what???

IMHO, a cheating jackarse cannot CAN NOT say anything about their emotional trauma. You feel free to tell him a big fat NOPE NO HELL TO THE NAW if he starts playin that tune.

To quote Rashawnda (story on earlier page like 38-40 somewhere), Ohhhh gurl, MM-MMM. MMMM-MMMMM.

I fully believe the fog is real, but I also think that there is a good percentage of cheaters that never come out of it. I am glad you aren't set on R, but I will hope he does for your DDs sake at least.

Oh hugs NB. This is all so hard.

heartbroken83 posted 9/16/2019 19:29 PM

Hope everyone's Monday wasn't too horrible.

I was trigger today just because I am trying to do some thing with H to just hang out. All we ever do is talk about the kids, or church, or the affair. I want a day of us again. I don't even know if this is possible but I want it. He was my best friend and I miss him. Anyways I told him "I miss us" and started crying. I hate my emotions. I hate that he did this and I hate that my life will never be the same. I aiming for better but just don't see that far ahead at the moment. I don't know I'm probably crazy...

EllieKMAS posted 9/16/2019 19:55 PM

HB you aren't crazy!

How did he act when you were triggering? Was he supportive? Distant?

heartbroken83 posted 9/16/2019 20:41 PM

He doesn't know, as I was texting him this and I didn't tell him it triggered me. It wasn't horrible but it definitely hit a nerve.

Newbeginnings24 posted 9/17/2019 00:55 AM

Heartbroken83 - I presume you have both agreed to R and he has stopped contact with the OW? Itís so hard to keep your triggers and emotions to yourself. You want to tell the WS everything because they deserve to know. But I found that it just put me in a weaker position.

Ellie it is all so hard. Iím not holding my hopes anymore on him coming out of the fog. I have days where this is the only thing that gets me through and due to the out of the blue his actions were, so is everyone else who knows our situation. They even suggested in the beginning that heís going through a midlife crisis. Which he found amusing. He has dips in his mood (my heart bleeds) but he unnaturally snaps out of it very quickly. His dad is the same (he found his son in law when he took his own life and never grieved, just got up and got on with it).
When he explains his emotions to me (not anymore because of NC) he actually sounds convincing. He has to let me go and find better, of course on the back of his own selfish actions. He didnít think of me in all of this or his DD! But he is now trying to make out to everyone that heís a hero.

BigBlueEyes posted 9/17/2019 02:53 AM

let him play the hero, you know itís all just part of his act!!

Never ceases to amaze me when I read this, they make these god damn decisions that effect everything & everyone around them but still believe they can actually be seen as a Ďgood guyí They really think friends & family canít see the real Ďthemí

Welcome to our little corner, donít hold back here as anything goes...seriously no FUCKS are given,
We swear, we laugh, we sometimes cry, however we also toast a hell of a lot 🍾

Newbeginnings24 posted 9/17/2019 06:48 AM

Thanks bigblueeyes. Thatís reassuring to know I can say whatever I feel and be safe. I have had one almighty wobble this morning. TBH Iím fed up of these and how they make me feel. I am disabled with anxiety at times and find his behaviour unbearable. I cannot comprehend what he is doing and how he doesnít feel the magnitude of his actions. I feel like Iíve got a chain around my neck that I do desperately want to cut. The house, divorce, the lot.

BigBlueEyes posted 9/17/2019 07:05 AM

Tbh, Its perfectly normal, 1 minute its looking slightly better after not thinking of him for all of 10 minutes to then be on the floor sobbing 5 mins later, I will tell you it doesn't get better over night, it takes months if not years for it to start getting better. I had 1 of those times recently due to circumstances out of my control at the time, once I had regained control I felt 1000x's better (he didn't keep it for long).
I have also found I have made more progress since he's been gone than the whole time I had lived with him or been married to him.

Thats what we're here for, prop you up when you need it the most.

DevastatedDee posted 9/17/2019 08:00 AM

Newbeginnings, you can't comprehend it because you don't think like he does. You would probably just want to die if you had treated people the way he had. My XWH had been across the country in CA until Sunday and I was thinking how sad it was that this guy was driving back "home" and NO ONE was happy about that. Me, his mom, his dad, his siblings, his friends, NO ONE wanted to see him again. But see, there's my mistake. I think that's sad and tragic. If I had been such a fuck up that my people all dreaded me coming back home, I'd be in a state of horror at myself and dedicate my life to fixing my shit and leaving them alone while I did it. But I'm not him. He doesn't respect people. His mom exists to take care of him. Everyone exists to take care of poor pitiful him. He feels entitled to do whatever he wants and have a safety net to fall back on.

You think it's sad that your ex is losing everyone and everything, but that's because you value and respect people as individuals. He doesn't. We don't see that in them because we seriously cannot comprehend being that way, but their actions show it to us and we have to accept the reality of it. My ex and yours are disordered fucks. It is what it is. We projected normal human emotions on them and they are pretty good at faking it until they decide not to.

DevastatedDee posted 9/17/2019 08:14 AM

And this crap he's doing isn't a "fog". This is being a narcissistic asshole.

Newbeginnings24 posted 9/17/2019 08:53 AM

Yes I would rather curl up and die if I was in his shoes. But people who are only out for themselves get what is coming to them eventually. Surely a new relationship thatís built on jealousy, betrayal and Ďhealingí of one another is destined for failure. I am a person who likes answers and reasons behind things. But someone has already pointed out that you canít make sense of the senseless and stupid canít be explained.
He has said that he Ďneedsí to FaceTime his daughter (this was previously agreed and stopped because he picked and chose when he did it, so wasnít fair on DD) if he canít see her everyday. Let me just remind you. That you can see her everyday if you hadnít of chosen not to by your actions. You donít get to blow our life up and pick when you want your heart soothing by your 3 year old. What sort of idiot am I dealing with here?! He hasnít actually thought any of this through. He will skip off into the sunset and DD and I will sit here and wait for him to visit and call/text when most convenient for him! Eh I donít think so! She is 3 doesnít get anything out of FaceTime. She wants her daddy to be present and not away with the fairies at every opportunity. Heís away all weekend in London with her. Which is over 4 hours away from us. I donít suppose he will want much contact then? And I will be portrayed as the evil person there. Aww not letting you FaceTime your DD?
I have grown up in a broken family and know all too well the impact it has on children who are let down by a parent who says they will call and donít. I think one of the main reasons Iím struggling with this abandonment is because I am now reliving the one I experienced as a child.

DaisyAnne posted 9/17/2019 09:05 AM

Newbeginnings24, welcome. I'm new here too and these group of girls have helped me so much already. I am so sorry you are going through this. My WH's whole affair was part of his mid-life crisis as well. I told him that I believed he was going through a midlife crisis way in the beginning when he just told me he wanted more and wasn't happy in the marriage. He didn't believe me but now he realized that's exactly what it was. Why couldn't he believe me before practically ruining our marriage? ((hugs)) to you!

I want a day of us again. I don't even know if this is possible but I want it. He was my best friend and I miss him. Anyways I told him "I miss us" and started crying. I hate my emotions. I hate that he did this and I hate that my life will never be the same. I aiming for better but just don't see that far ahead at the moment. I don't know I'm probably crazy...

You are not crazy at all! I have the same feelings. I tell him that I miss him and being able to just be with him and not think about the affair. Then I just cry and he holds me. We have had times together when it was just us and I didn't think about it. Just a few days after everything came out, we went to a concert. We had the best time and it was like we were dating again. I think we have to be out and busy for me not to think about it for a few hours. But if we are home, it's always on my mind.

Just this morning I was going through my photos looking for something and saw a picture of us together, while the affair was going on. I just cried in the shower. It hurts so much to see pictures of us together and know I was in the dark about what was going on. All those memories are tainted. The moment I got out of the shower he texted me that he loves me. I told him about my cryfest. He apologized yet again, told me he adores me and is so sorry that I hurt. That he will do his best to support and be there for me. And to be honest, his support really does help. I told him the other night, while crying in his arms, that even though he is the one who did this to me, who hurt me more than anyone, I am still comforted and feel better in his arms. It really confuses the hell out of me. I should be more angry. Or maybe the anger will still come. Bottom line: Infidelity fucking sucks in so many ways.

TX1995 posted 9/17/2019 09:43 AM

I don't agree that a child has to respect a cheating parent anymore. That parent doesn't deserve respect. He should probably be civil since they live in the same home, but respect? Nope. If your CH wants to earn his son's respect back, he needs to start by talking with the boy about what he did then and what he is doing now.

Coco, I agree that you can't demand respect. But I do think he needs to be "respectful". Meaning you can't tell your Dad (or teacher or coach or any adult or anyone really) to Fuck Off. Yep, that's what he did. So that was how the conversation started. He said "You earn respect, right Mom? Well, he lost mine by cheating on you." And then we cried together for a while. He's hurt. His Dad always preached being ethical and then did this. Hard for a 14 year old kid. He would never say those words to me, but I think he's pretty angry with his Dad. My WH did tell him that he's trying to earn back his respect.

NewBeginnings - Welcome. Sorry you are here, but I hope you find some support.

I have to agree with Dee...

And this crap he's doing isn't a "fog". This is being a narcissistic asshole.

I think the 180 and getting your ducks in a row and support from people is your best course of action. Protect your heart and pocketbook from further abuse.

((HB83)) - I'm sorry. I know exactly how that feels. I have been with my husband for 22 years. Known him for 27. It's hard to not feel grief for losing the person who has been your partner for so long and you thought had your best interests at heart. It really is a mindfuck. You want to be close to them because it's such an engrained habit and it used to make you safe. Then two minutes later you remember what they did and want to slug them. Total and complete mindfuck.

Happy Fucking Tuesday ladies! It's actually a beautiful day and I'm going to be sitting at my desk doing schoolwork - but at least I have a great picture window in front of me with some cows in my sight! Hope you are all having a good day so far...

ETA: DaisyAnne - photos are the worst. I took down every photo of WH and I and most photos of our family. I used to have TONS in frames all over the house and now I have maybe 5 scattered around the house of either only my kids, or my family. I can't stand to look at pictures of any of our past years. It all seems like a lie. I was a HUGE scrapbooker before DDay 1. As in, I had a job that paid me to scrapbook. I have an entire room full of shit and photos and albums. I haven't touched any of it in years now.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 9:47 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Newbeginnings24 posted 9/17/2019 10:51 AM

Thanks everyone.
My WH is too young for a midlife crisis if thatís possible. Heís only 32 but is well on his way to being brainwashed. He sent me a reflective piece of work that you can complete. He has so called done it and it made him feel better in his Ďprocessí. He can sound very cold and callous at times, but has always been so. I have found out that he was given this from the OW (sorry if this is repeated but I forget what trauma Iím trying to rationalise and when) and today found out that his mum over heard him talking to the OW about his answers. Why would the OW interested in his thoughts and feelings about his marriage when she has never stepped inside it. I feel completely out of my depths and want everyone to scream at him. He is well and truly being manipulated. Whether that be of his own accord or not. But I am eating myself alive with worry for him and the position he has put himself in. Everyone is distancing themselves from him because they canít deal with the drama and obscene things he is doing and saying. I never knew this happened with affairs. I just thought when left and weíre happy...end of. And we were sat he picking up the pieces but this is so different. It has so many layers that scream to me. My gut is flipping over and over and there is nothing I can do.
Pictures are also all gone in our home. Canít have a constant reminder of the person he was anymore.
Happy fucking Tuesday exactly. I wish it was Tuesday 2020! I hopefully wouldnít be in such a hell hole!

DevastatedDee posted 9/17/2019 11:11 AM

What sort of idiot am I dealing with here?!

Yeah, I have asked myself that same question too many times to count. There is nothing I have ever experienced in life to compare to the absolute horror of seeing my XWH for who he is. There's nothing on earth like it, knowing that you were with and truly loved someone so fucked up. I have actually apologized to my vagina for allowing that person near her.

The last substantive conversation I had with my XWH before he came back to the state this week was on our anniversary in June when he called to...I don't know what...and he asked me if I knew it was our anniversary today. I said "Yeah, and it's the best one yet. It's a beautiful day. I'm working on the landscaping at MY house." I left this idiot over a year ago, bought my own house, and was quite eloquent about how very fucking done we were. This genius called me Sunday and expected a booty call. I laughed and told him not to contact me again. Fucking idiot. I mean really, anyone who could put two brain cells together would not have remotely expected me to touch him again.

Don't be surprised if the hits keep on coming on the "what kind of idiot am I dealing with here" question. You will ask that again and again.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 11:11 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]

Chaos posted 9/17/2019 11:16 AM

Just catching up here.

DevastatedDee - That flaming fuckwad called you for a bootie call?!?!? I hope you gave him a boot up his ass and upside his head.

Hawke posted 9/17/2019 11:39 AM

Fuckity fuck. Fuck.

It appears that my boyfriend's teenager attempted suicide for the second time (that we know about) - I'm not 100% certain, but it seems unlikely to me that it was an accidental overdose this time. She is now at the Children's Hospital after measures were taken to save her liver. I don't understand how such a bright, sweet, funny kid can wrestle with such awful impulses, feelings or whatever drives her to do this.

Newbeginning: My ex was the foggiest fogger of all the fogs. Foggity fogg fogg. I might start swearing with the word fog from now on. NC was also soooo hard for my ex. Poor baby! Your WH may never get it because he just doesn't think or feel the way you do. Ultimately, my ex couldn't choose between OW and me, so I chose to end limbo and proceed with separating. He moved out when the kids were 4 and 1, and we've shared them 50/50 since then. It was very hard at first, but I've built a new life for myself and I feel pretty good about what I've accomplished and where I am. Just saying that you don't have to compromise your needs or feelings or morals for a fuckwit (Rashawnda would back me up here). You are also not obligated to make any decision or take any action before you feel ready. It took me four months to determine it was over for good (and then another 7 months for him to finally move out).

BigBlueEyes posted 9/17/2019 12:10 PM

A bootie call? Are you FUCKING kidding me? Holy Mahoney what a cheek!!!

Trouble is it takes them no time to make a decision to put their dicks somewhere they shouldnít be, yet donít understand when you call time on staying with a cheat/liar, like you havenít given it enough thought, for 18 months I didnít think of anything else ffs to many DDays has that effect unfortunately

So sorry on your bad news, I really hope she makes a speedy recovery & gets the help & support she needs 🤞

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