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Betrayed Womenz Thread

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Chaos posted 9/13/2019 15:58 PM

gmc - I couldnít have said it better myself. Heck - even Rashawnda would be waving her bad ass finger in solidarity.

No mouse update yet - but Iím going all Tim the Toolman Taylor on those traps. To be continued.

cocoplus5nuts posted 9/13/2019 19:21 PM

TX, share that podcast. My fch is probably more likely to listen to that than read an article.

gmc94 posted 9/13/2019 19:29 PM

Hey TX is it the Neil Sattin podcast? I'm looking for something new....
and it looks like they are doing the Gottmans live on 10/12 - that could be interesting.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 7:29 PM, September 13th, 2019 (Friday)]

EllieKMAS posted 9/13/2019 23:34 PM

I'm home finally... man, out of it for a day and two pages of stuff. Sorry I'm not good tonight so having focus issues.

Tomorrow is my 6 year wedding anniversary amd I feel like a weak shit cus I can't stop crying tonight. Feel like holding it all in for the last two days is catching up to me and my head just won't stop going around and around.

***ETA - BBE that tattoo sounds amazeballs!

And thanks gmc!

Yeah Like Rashawnda would say - that conference thing was some bullSHIT. Yeah I was making the face.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 12:00 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

gmc94 posted 9/13/2019 23:43 PM

Hang in there Ellie. Grief is a fucking hard process. Sometimes we just need to feel all the feels.

Hugs.

Tallgirl posted 9/14/2019 07:38 AM

So ladies, I opened Netflix this morning And guess what the feature movie was? Are you ready for it?

Tall Girl


Lol. Too funny. I relate.

Tomorrow I expect to see Chaos as the next feature movie.

There is actually a movie called Big Eyes. Thatís it -Iím going through all of our names and looking for matching movies.

Have a great day ladies. I will toast you all tonight at a street party.

Big hugs Ellie. One Day at a time.

Northern hope you have been able to catch up on your sleep. All nighters are brutal.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:41 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

heartbroken83 posted 9/14/2019 08:02 AM

So I went out, got all dressed up-make up and everything, left before my H got home and didn't get back until 1130 or so. He could have cared less about me being out seeing as in how he was sleeping when I got home, and wasn't worried about my well being at all. I don't understand men at all. Why are they so fucking clueless. My 13 year old daughter said I was pretty before I left and my 17 year old got home from work right before me and was like where were you? you never stay out this late...the kids get it, he doesn't...smh

Ellie: Im sorry Anniversaries really really suck, mine was last Monday and he didn't understand how him doing nothing but a fb post was not ok. I gave him and card and made his favorite dinner for him to come home and turn on fucking football and pretend it was just another day. You may want to try to cry it out and then do something for yourself, you deserve it!

I am still enjoying reading everyone's great stuff. Have a great day all

[This message edited by heartbroken83 at 8:05 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 9/14/2019 09:16 AM

looks like they are doing the Gottmans live on 10/12 -

I like the Gottmans. What is the podcast?

Ellie, what you are feeling is normal. Let it flow. You have to go through it to get past it.

HB83, why are you making special dinners for your CH? Is he even the least bit sorry for what he did? Maybe time for the 180.

Tallgirl posted 9/14/2019 09:20 AM

Heartbroken. You looked great for you. Keep it up.

Nothing for your anniversary. Frankly, I think you should tell him that was thoughtless and shitty. He should want to make it up to you.

Total Prick.

This is very poor behaviour.

ETA. He is optional.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 9:21 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

gmc94 posted 9/14/2019 12:21 PM

Coco+5: I found a Neil Sattin podcast when searching for Codependence vs caretaking (or something like that - it was something TX posted about), and that webpage mentions a LIVE podcast with the Gottmans on 10/12.

HB83 - I'm glad you went for it. How did it feel to be dolled up FOR YOU?

From what you post, he is NOT doing the work needed to become a good candidate for R (aka "R material" . I think we all know how hard it is to detach from our cheating husbands. It may be time to think about the 180 and emotional detachment to help get some clarity. It sucks and I still often struggle. It's super hard to let go of what we THOUGHT our M was. It's hard to accept that our WHs are not the men we believed them to be. It's hard to focus solely on ourselves while we wait and watch to see if they can get their sh*t together to become R material. And yet, if there is ever a time to focus solely on ourselves, those first months (years?) after dday is it. Godspeed.

DaisyAnne posted 9/14/2019 12:26 PM

Nothing for your anniversary. Frankly, I think you should tell him that was thoughtless and shitty. He should want to make it up to you.

Absolutely! After everything he has put you through, he should have been making you dinner or taking you out. Iím sorry he was so thoughtless.

Thinking of you, Ellie. Maybe do treat yourself to something special to focus on your mind on something else. Pamper yourself.

TX1995 posted 9/14/2019 12:35 PM

Hawke - This place does suck. Thanks for your support. It sucks that there is residual problems left behind even when they are gone. It sounds like you are really doing all you can. Damn them for messing with our BRAINS along with our hearts.

Iamanidiot - :) I know hearing where other people are helps - because it tells us we are not alone and not abnormal in our reactions and feelings. That's what I love about this place. It's a huge group therapy session with triumphs in D and R and independence.

((Heartbroken)) I'm glad you got gussied up and had a fun night out. FOR YOU. I'm annoyed that your husband did not respond in a way that you wanted, but am more annoyed that he didn't do anything for your anniversary. IMO, the only spouse that can poo poo an anniversary is the betrayed. If a WS does that, he should get a swift kick in the ass.

Speaking of anniversaries, I just sent my WH a text of what I want him to arrange for our next anniversary (#18 in December). One of those rooms where you smash shit and throw plates. You can even bring your own things in. Perhaps I'll have cOWhore's face printed on something breakable. :)

GMC - You did a great job of channeling your inner Chaos ;P Yes, the podcast was the Neil Sattan one. He's done a podcast with Julie alone and both together. I like some of his stuff. I think you and I are a lot alike, constantly searching and listening for something that will help. I know you will share my frustration that the helping couples heal podcast has not had a new one in a month!! I think it's awesome that you found a betrayal trauma counselor. I was telling WH last night that we might need a new MC along with me needing a new IC. Ones that specialize in this. I feel like our MC sessions are more like "how's it going" than "here's a plan for you. I'm not sure if it's bc the MC knows I'm in limbo, but I still feel like she came at it all wrong. Both she and my IC never asked WH if he was telling the truth. Even when the MC was alone with him. They both kept asking me why I wouldn't believe him (that he didn't sleep with her). They also both wanted me to stop with my investigation, never realizing that it's the PTSD and LIES that made me continue. Not because I thought it was fun. Anyways, hope yours has some way to help you find good paths for your healing.

TallGirl - Ha! You are Netflix famous. Have a great time at your street party tonight!

Chaos - Hope those donuts worked!

BBE - Saggy balls. Ew. Go cougar next time and find some fresh and perky ones.

((Ellie)) - So sorry. These dates just aren't easy. Think about how strong you were this week. Went from your douchewaffle CH telling you "thanks" at court, straight into work travel and held it all together until last night. That's amazing. Seriously. Do something nice for yourself today. You deserve it.

Coco - It's one from the the Relationship Alive podcast by Neil Sattan. I still haven't listened to it. And I pre-listen to everything before sending to WH bc I don't ever want there to be partner blaming or shit that will give him ammo to be an asshole or feel justified - though he does a lot less of this now. (Some of those Christian leaning ones make me mad - and I'm very much a Christian, I'm just not a "forgive your WH and you probably played a part in the A kind of gal.) Two podcasts that my WH came home and discussed with me were actually Dax Shepard ones. Dax did one with his wife, Kristin Bell and he talked about how they related. The other, with John Gottman, he has listened to at least three times and has recommended it to many people. Dax is funny too, so that helps with the listening.

We did end up going on date night last night. Had a good time drinking some beers and eating nachos and talking. Came home and got in the hot tub. Our daughter joined us for a while, but we mainly just talked for a few more hours. Some tears of course, but overall it was good considering that we'd had such a crappy couple of weeks. It's really too bad that it took him having sex with someone else to realize that all he had to do was talk to me. Even he admitted that he now sees that he was more to blame for the disconnect in our marriage. He knows I would have been more than willing to open up and that I tried over the years to connect. He just didn't know how, or even know he should want to know how. It really would have taken something huge to wake him up. I wish it would have been something out of our control or at least something that only hurt him - sucks to be collateral damage to their transformation. I said at MC yesterday that while we can both have this great post-traumatic growth, it doesn't change what he did and whether or not I can ever accept that. Although I do think that if he and I took our kids and moved to a deserted island, I could be ok. It's the reminders, the triggers, the having to deal with the world in this new way that causes me so much anxiety and pain. Sucks.

Hope you all have a great fucking Saturday!

heartbroken83 posted 9/14/2019 12:36 PM

He does suck really bad at trying to help heal me. It's only been 6 weeks for us and I only found out the whole truth 2 weeks ago. He was cheating before we even got married. I am lost and confused most days and him distancing himself doesn't help at all.

I am glad that I went out and talking with my old friend was really helpful.

Debating meds but don't want to feel like Im backtracking all my progress. I have been off them since 2016. Now I feel like he has taken away everything from me for the last 2 years that we have been doing this.

I see other stories and a lot of you have it way worse than I do but it doesn't change the pain

DaisyAnne posted 9/14/2019 12:47 PM

TX1995, I completely know what you mean about how it sucks that it had to take this for them to realize what they have with us. Why couldnít they see that before they caused us so much pain and heartache? To be collateral damage to their transformation really does suck, to put it mildly.


So WH hasnít worn his wedding ring in years. His excuse was that itís too tight and just uncomfortable. He does hates jewelry. Obviously now I know he had other reasons too. One of my conditions for our R is that he wears his wedding ring again. He still hates the feel of it and has only worn it on weekends and usually I had to still remind him. Putting on sting everyday just isnít a habit for him like it is for me. I told him I understand if his original one is uncomfortable. Iím fine with the idea of getting a new comfy ring, one of this silicone wedding rings that are popular now. Itís the symbolism of the ring. He totally understands my need for it and agreed to pick out a new one. It arrived last week, but was too big and we exchanged it for a smaller one. The new one arrived yesterday. It is nice to see a ring on his finger again. In fact, he didnít take it off last night and forgot it was still on.

TX1995 posted 9/14/2019 13:35 PM

heartbroken - I hadn't realized it was only 6 weeks. He is not acting like someone in R. I don't know your full story, but I would urge you to read up in the healing library and take account of what your life is now and what you are willing to accept from him. I'm sorry you are here and even sorrier that your spouse seems to still have his head up his ass. I am proud of you for going out last night though. At 6 weeks post DDay 1 I was still a pile of snot in the fetal position.

Daisy - Yep, being collateral damage blows. A win on the wedding ring! Glad you guys were able to find a compromise that you both feel good about.

My WH didn't take his ring off while he fucked his coWhore. I took my rings off shortly after DDay 1 since he gave them to me as a promise of his love and fidelity and since that was all horseshit, I don't have any intention of putting them on again. They have monetary value, but no sentimental value and eventually I will probably sell them. Don't want to pass them down or even re-use the diamonds for another purpose. Once I found out he had sex with her wearing the ring *I* put on his finger, I asked him to take it off. He asked if he could buy a new one and I said it was up to him. He is wearing a new one now, but I really don't care if he does or not. Rings didn't stop him or her from fucking someone else's spouse. The vows they represented are broken anyways, so what does it matter. (I'm pretty bitter about the whole ring/vow/marriage stuff if you can't tell! ).

[This message edited by TX1995 at 1:36 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

heartbroken83 posted 9/14/2019 15:06 PM

The problem is his head is not always up his ass. He knows how to get to me like know one else does and he can and still does. You know that song "I hate how much I love you so" story of my fucking life.

I have my days. Today I feel depressed but not a hot crying ball of uselessness. I have to force myself to go shopping for groceries now when I don't even want to leave the house. But the kids got to eat right? even if I don't want too...

My friend asked me why I love him and I couldn't give her an answer. All the reasons I have are now all lies. He is none of the things he tricked me into thinking he was. If he was then he wouldn't have fucked some other girl (who knew about me since dec 2017).

The ring thing is an issue here too. Most of the time he forgets it home. He is on his 3rd one because he keeps losing them at work. thank god his is 20$ off amazon otherwise we'd be broke and fucked. He talked about getting a tattoo ring but he is very black and I don't know how well that would even show up.

My story is in the just found out section if you feel the need to read it.

[This message edited by heartbroken83 at 3:07 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 9/14/2019 16:25 PM

HB83, I also think you should read the healing library. Get the ebook (or whatever it is), How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. That will give you a guideline of the minimum your CH needs to be doing for R. He should read it, too. It's short.

You need to stop letting him get to you. You have the power over you. Take it! If you are afraid of losing him, think about whether or not you are ok living your life with a lying, cheating abuser. You can't lose something that you never had.

I posted recently in another thread about how fucked up it is to be collateral damage in my fch's journey to healthy. It fucking sucks. Also, as was stated in that other thread, when in R, the CS has it made. They get to become better people and go on with a better life. We, the BSes, are left with permanent scars.

Triggered last night? Idk. I haven't been triggered in a long time. I brought our teenage son lying on a school paper. My fch's response was that it wasn't a big deal. It was just embellishment. No, it wasn't. It was a complete lie. Even if it was "just" an embellishment, that's still being dishonest. It's still a lie to me.

I happen to be particular about lying and deception. I was disturbed by the idea that my fch didn't think it mattered. We went back and forth a bit. One of the things that really upset me was that fch asked me what I wanted him to say. WTF?! I told him I want him to say the truth. Why is that so fucking difficult? He finally said that he didn't like the lying, either. It was not ok. He did not understand the whole story. Whatever. The damage was done.

We continued to talk a little about why he didn't just answer my question. He said he thought he had. That was why he responded with, "What do you want me to say?" I kept asking because he didn't answer my question. He answered the question he decided I was asking.

We have been around and around about this. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. If I ask,"What do you think of this?" that's exactly what I want to know, what you think. His response was, "I don't know." How can you not know what you think? I'm not sure what he thought I was asking.

This all goes back to his own behavior. He doesn't say what he means. Sometimes, he says the exact opposite of what he means. Then, he expects me to figure what he really wants and do that instead of what he told me to do. That's how he thinks and communicates, so he assumes that's how I do it, too. How many fucking times do I have to tell him to listen to my words and respond to them rather than trying to find some hidden meaning? He gets it wrong every time!

I told him this morning that I want to continue the conversation.

Sorry that was long. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

heartbroken83 posted 9/14/2019 16:51 PM

We do have that book and we both read it. I thought it helped at first. After he read it he had a conversation with me and that is when he was truthful about the length of the affair. I think I need to start doing stuff for me instead of always waiting around for him. I have to learn to take care of me instead of always worrying about what he is going to think or feel about it. I made him dinner on our anniversary because I didn't want him to feel unloved but he ended up making me feel unloved instead. Ugh...hope he gets better at it

cocoplus5nuts posted 9/14/2019 17:07 PM

. I think I need to start doing stuff for me instead of always waiting around for him. I have to learn to take care of me instead of always worrying about what he is going to think or feel about it.

Yep. Put yourself first.

Aren't you angry about what he did to you?

heartbroken83 posted 9/14/2019 17:21 PM

I'm not angry so much as hurt. He doesn't get that either. He wants me to yell, scream, get my anger out, but I don't feel angry.

I believe it has a lot to do with my religion and relationship with God. I have forgiven him and that is for my sanity. so no, Im not angry. Is that wrong? Im not sure either way.

I am hurt, broken, lost, and concerned. Not sure how to fix it but also decided it's not my job to fix it, it is his

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