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Betrayed Womenz Thread

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Hawke posted 9/6/2019 18:07 PM

Ellie, I can tell you that seeing him does get easier with time (at least it did for me). At first, I had a visceral reaction to seeing him where I almost wanted to be sick (and he was often accompanied by OW, which was an extra treat). Now, it's no big deal, we co-parent and act polite and civil. Even seeing OW only bugs me a little now. In fact, I think I make her uncomfortable, which gives me a little thrill schadenfreude.

EllieKMAS posted 9/6/2019 18:39 PM

Thanks Hawke! If there is one very mixed blessing - we don't have kids. I can't imagine how much harder dealing with this stuff would be with kids involved.

Thankfully after his crap is gone, I really have no reason to ever see him again. Which makes me relieved and also very sad.

AmIAnIdiot15 posted 9/6/2019 19:28 PM

*hugs* Ellie. I'm hopeful for you that soon it's just relieved and not so sad! (I'm in CO too, but probably far away from you, wayyyyy on the western edge. And Hawke - I grew up in Lethbridge! Small world!)

EllieKMAS posted 9/6/2019 21:17 PM

Ooh whereabouts on western edge? I went to school in Gunninson so I am kinda familiar with western side of state too. Currently live in a suburb of Denver (like most of the rest of CO humanity ).

So my current struggle tonight is trying to pick out my nail polish color for the week. I have way too many bottles and it always takes me forever to decide. I had them purple last week so can't do a purple this time... I've got it narrowed to 'A Little Gilt Under the Kilt', 'I'm Not Really a Waitress', 'Ginger's Revenge', 'I Love You Just Be-Cusco', or 'Midnight in Moscow'.

ETA: Aaaaaaand the winner is Ginger's Revenge.
Is nail polish equivalent of bitch boots

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 11:58 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

Tallgirl posted 9/7/2019 06:00 AM

Coco,
I think that is incredibly inappropriate for teachers to ask if your dad is single, and giggle. Teachers are role models to our kids, and should act that way. Your poor son, he must of been confused. What did your husband say? And one of them was interested.

Ellie,
I'm sorry you are having a tough time. It will be tough to seem him. I think if you truly add bitch boots to your bitch boot nail polish you will be invincible.

I saw a young girl yesterday on her way to uni. She had tall black boots to above her knee, black leather jacket, dark sunglasses - I giggled. Total bitch look. I loved it. She had the 'tude too.

Hawke- so love that mug. I need it. Plus several others. I've been to Lethbridge, loved it!
--

I always feel fake. My kids know - but none of the sordid details. His family knows we are separated because of an affair. A few friends know - only 4 people know it all and you guys.

I feel fake when people who don't know ask about him or us. I choke

I feel fake when people that know ask why I don't end it, and why I bother at all.

I feel fake when I spend time with him, trying to figure out if I can R.

Living authentically... ya not happening yet. but maybe soon.


ETA: I have at least 2 shovels

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:02 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]

Chaos posted 9/7/2019 10:03 AM

Last nightís margarita toast was dedicated to all of us and coffee mugs!

Happy Fucking Saturday!

BigBlueEyes posted 9/8/2019 05:05 AM

Coco,
Im with the others that are in aghast & shocked at the 'teachers' behaviour, Women acting like 14 yr olds in a playground instead of Grown women in a classroom is a recipe for disaster IMHO,
Damn I would be in that school fast as lightening.
So wrong on so many levels.

Ellie,
Paint those nails, apply that lipstick & stand tall, You have got this. Thinking of you x

TG,
Stay strong you are an amazing woman, you have to do whats right for you lovely x

Chaos,
Your sparkle is infectious lovely lady,
OMG I can't keep up with all these toasts...I'll just keep raising my coffee mug

Now In other news across the way, I have booked myself a little get away in Oct, only for a 5 day break to the coast, taking a couple GC with me, so I won't be alone, I seriously can't bloody wait.

I have/am having a much needed relaxing weekend so far just me & my BIG, Beautiful, Boisterous & Doesn't play well with others Dog, A REAL MUMMIES BOY, He isn't a fan of my STBXH either

Happy FUCKIN Sunday ladies

cocoplus5nuts posted 9/8/2019 09:36 AM

I am of the 'if someone asks I tell them my truth' camp. Shrug. He made the choice to do this, so I don't have to keep the secret for him. I can get if you are in R that that kind of attitude could complicate things.

I think R or D makes a difference with this. If I had divorced, I would tell anyone who asked. I would probably tell the truth if someone asked me now. No one ever has. Can you imagine meeting someone and them saying,"Your husband seems like an amazing guy. Did he cheat on you?" 😄

I told everyone who mattered to me when it happened. It's new people who I don't tell. I meet a lot of new people because we move so much. I was about to say, we're good now, so maybe it doesn't matter. But, he just pissed me off. So, fuck him!

BBE, enjoy your weekend and your trip.

My fch said the teacher asked every parent who their child was as they entered the classroom. That's how she knew who he was. They sat through her spiel and everyone got up to leave. As he was walking out, she said something about our son being excited about the class. My husband commented that he would love it until wrestling season as he was walking. She asked if he wrestled. He says yes as he walked out the door.

He didn't stop and chat with her at all. He didn't even know there was another teacher there. He said the one he saw looked to be in her mid to late 30s. His reaction was to say we need to call the school. I'm not sure about that. I don't want to make things more awkward for my son. I told my fch to be on the lookout for too friendly emails under the guise of school stuff. He said he would let me know if he got anything like that. He also said he won't handle anything with that class or teacher. He'll leave it to me.

BigBlueEyes posted 9/8/2019 10:01 AM

Thank you Coco,
Weekend was going great...Triggered with a recent update in the forum, kind of lost the plot, went for a run then a bath so feeling slightly better now, still concerned but not flat out CRAZY HOPPING MAD!

Gotta wait till Oct for the trip but its nice having something to look forward to.

Just out of curiosity why would you think raising this at school would make things awkward for your son?

I normally get things wrong so I'm trying out suggestions from my IC..my usual MO is to overthink things leading me to staying mostly quiet, So I'm giving it a go on going with my gut reactions instead,

I'm seriously out of practice for this shit at my age


earlydetour posted 9/8/2019 13:50 PM

Has anyone else had MIL cut off contact? Mine just did. It's a blessing & a curse. I realized early into our M that she does a lot of "divide and separate" to people, between her & her late h, between her sons and daughters, between her children & their spouses, and between grandkids.

I stopped calling MIL to give her updates about life (her son & grandkids) after her h died 6 years ago. I'd pickup if she called to find out what was up, but I stopped initiating and contributing. Sometimes I'd email updates.

A few years back I decided to venture into FB to keep up with long time friends that lived far away, relatives, especially nieces & nephews that mainly used FB to post about their kids and happenings. Now we also use it to see HOA info and neighborhood events, plus buy & sell stuff. I know FB can have lots of drama, but my intent was keeping in touch, in both directions (posting & seeing posts). My fwh doesn't do social media, never has wanted to. He's had access to my FB acct from the beginning, the same with our shared, open email accts. The other years I added his name to the name on the acct (as a middle name). Boy did MIL not like that. Wanted him to have his own. Wanted him to have privacy. Um, no, neither of us want that, so bug off.

I happened to look in my profile very recently and noticed that my friend count went down 1. I have a low number of "friends". I checked. Yep, it was MIL. Now, I don't know if she deliberately unfriended us (it was a way for fwh to see what his own mother was posting & message her) or if she did it accidentally (she's older) or if the one DIL that lives 5 minutes away is trying to cause drama by getting into her acct and doing this (she's a heavy FB user).

I don't mind less contact with her, but she's older and we'd like to be able to see how she's doing.

Big thing -> I haven't mentioned it to fwh. I don't know if he's noticed. I don't know how he'd take it.

I did check his phone and the last time he had a call with his mom was several months ago. I was worried that they talked for his b'day and had a fallout. That last call was a call while we were on vacation. I heard from him that she was pissed that I don't call her anymore. I told him I wasn't calling her because she's abusive when she interacts with me. Using FB was a way to have a passive glimpse into her life and the same for her into our lives. Other times that he had calls with her would result in fwh doing passive-aggressive behaviors with me for a while. I noticed the pattern. I think MIL is a Narc mother - I read about it and helps me understand the dynamics.

Has anyone else had their MIL cut off contact with their son/wh? I can't relate to being cut off like this by a parent.

BTW - she didn't call for his recent b'day - which she has always done in the past. I did a FB post for his b'day that we were out to dinner, took a pic of him at the table, and posted it. While picking out the FB "feeling" part, I noticed eating dinner & eating dinner with my love choices. I asked fwh if he minded me using the "with my love" and he was ok with it & having others see it (h doesn't like mushy sentiments). I think that was the last post she might have seen. A controlling narc mom unhappy that her 50+ son & his wife are having a happy moment. Now she won't see our youngest D's HS senior year info & pics.

Tallgirl posted 9/8/2019 14:11 PM

My mil blames me for his affair. Wtf. I have stopped calling her. Frankly I feel better. But she still gets involved.

She supports her son and tells everything to everyone. I went on a trip with wh. Trying to see if we can get along. She told my son before I did. Kills me. She sends biblical references to me and the kids on forgiveness. And yet blames me for his cheating.

Actually one time she called my mother to accuse me of having an affair. Ironic. And odd.

Your mil sounds like the kind of person that is caustic. I would take the unfriending as a small blessing. If you think it is an accident. Send her a friend request. If she declines then you know and it is her choice.

Id word the invite or friend request something along the lines of. I just noticed....you donít want to miss out on your grand kids lives .... and sons family. An important way to stay connected. Then post a picture of you kissing your husband.

cocoplus5nuts posted 9/8/2019 14:14 PM

earlydetour, the closest experience I've had to that is my husband's maternal grandfather's wife (not his grandmother) unfriending me on FB several times. I assumed it was because she didn't like some of my religion and political posts. Plus, I cuss a lot, which I'm sure she does not approve of.

Just out of curiosity why would you think raising this at school would make things awkward for your son?

If we talk to the principal about this, I assume the principal will talk to the teachers. They will know we "reported" them. They could make things very difficult and uncomfortable for my son. He wouldn't have the option to switch teachers for this class. They are the only 2 who teach it.

TX1995 posted 9/8/2019 14:46 PM

Coco - Well on the good side, it sounds like your WH is doing as you thought and maintaining normal boundaries. On the bad side, those teachers are just ridiculous. I'd probably be on your side about not saying anything to admin unless something else comes up. Keep up communications with your son about those teachers. (We just had a teacher at our HS who was married to another teacher and had two kids - one still at the high school - who was caught in a sexual relationship with a student. Bad boundaries exist everywhere!)

BBE - Sorry you are triggering. Hang in there.

EarlyDetour - I can't relate, but honestly your MIL sounds toxic. If she's pulling away, let her! Or if you really feel like it, bring it up with your WH. It's his mom and if it's not bugging him, I'd say leave it be.

I'm in a spiral guys. I CANNOT get out of this one. The heaviness in my chest is just drowning. The only time I don't feel it is when I'm crying. Helpful, right? I just want off of this shitty ride. I have no good options. It's so lonely. Is this really it? Am I just stuck here in limbo forever? Every time I have a positive thought about my WH, I then immediately remember what he did, or a lie he told me and I berate myself for even considering staying married. I was depressed pre-A, but that was more of a lost, mid-life crisis thing for identity. This is a soul-sucking, hopeless, worthless feeling and I just want it to stop. Nothing is helping. No walk, no people, no alcohol, no distraction, nothing. I'm just so fucking exhausted. So fucking exhausted.

Happy Fucking Sunday! Hope you are all having a better day. (And if I'm honest, there's literally no lower than I am, so you are ALL doing better!)

Chaos posted 9/8/2019 14:52 PM

Happy Fucking Sunday.

Kind of down day in the Land of Chaos. No rhyme, reason or trigger. Just down.

I blame the barometric pressure from the Hurricane. I'm also eating chocolate as a precaution. I may have bought make up [and I'll list the colors below because I fucking love the names]. Make up and Chocolate make everything better.

New eyeshadow colors [thanks to Ulta's 21 Days of Beauty and the Too Faced NaturalEyes collection at 50% off]

* Heaven
* Silk Teddy
* Strip Poker
* Cashmere Bunny
* Push-Up
* Honey Pot
* Sexpresso
* Erotica
* Chocolate Martini

TX1995 - when you read this, I hope you are in a better place. BUT - please tell us all - 3 things you see that are blue, 3 things you see that are shiny, 3 things you see that plug in and 1 nice thing you've done for yourself today.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 9/8/2019 15:30 PM

TX1995...Chaos gave some GREAT tips for you...you just need to retrain your brain Dear Lady .

It is exhausting...so tiring...and fucking UNFAIR that you have to get yourself out of a HELL that others put you in . But...only YOU can do this. The GOOD news is...you CAN do this !!! Donít you let them win TX1995!!! Whatever ďthemĒ is to you...triggers...memories...whores...donít you DARE let them beat you!!! You are BETTER than ďTHEMĒ... and they need to know their place!!! Get yourself UP young lady...and FIGHT...for YOU . Failure is not an option!!! We have all been where you are... and some of us are a little ahead...some may be a little behind...but we will ALL get through this and come out the other side even STRONGER for it . Donít do this for anyone else but YOU Dear Lady...YOU deserve it .

What turned things around for me was replacing every negative thought with a positive one...mostly they were about my Grandkids . It takes time...and effort... but you are in a marathon Dear Lady...and time is on your side .

So when you think a nice thought about your WH...and the past starts to intrude...KICK ITS ASS back to the past where it belongs. Your WH canít change what he did in the past...but he can change his actions NOW. NOW is what counts .

I have to leave right now...but I will be praying for you...and all of us. Yíall remember...WE are the STRONG ones who didnít fall for lies to spread our legs...we said NO to temptation... and we are LOYAL women who KNOW how to conduct ourselves with dignity and honor . Knowledge is POWER... and WE possess it !!!

EllieKMAS posted 9/8/2019 16:13 PM

I feel like... I dunno - venus is in the seventh house or somesuch bullshit. Havin a blah kind of day but I think mine is just cus I am going to see the douche deluxe tomorrow for the first time in 36 days. Wow... feels like so much longer than that. I just want to be as emotionless as possible. I am going to really try to not make eye contact at all. I expect it will not be pleasant, but I am almost off the shit-go-round, so I will put that in the win column.

Chaos - I stay out of Ulta cus they have nail polish and I have NO restraint, as we know LOL And eyeliners. OMG eyeliners... Went thru my makeup stash this weekend to clean up a little. Wanna know how many effing eyeliners I found?? 57. FIFTY SEVEN. Granted a lot of them were little sharpened down nubs, but still. I have issues. Sooooo many issues

BBE - You're doing great. Really great! I don't know about everyone else, but your grace under pressure and your wonderful attitude inspire me a lot. So glad you have a fun trip to look forward to!

TX - HUGS. Not to pry but are you on antidepressants? I was, but my doc upped my dose a few weeks ago and I have felt a noticable improvement. I still get down, but it doesn't seem to last as long or be quite as deep. Maybe worth considering. Just take care you.

TG - I just bought the BEST bitch boots a couple weeks ago, but it is still hot here and I can't do boots when it's 80 degrees out. Boooo. I will just have my mental bitch boots on and channel Bea Arthur instead.

EDetour - yeah your MIL sounds like a treat. Ugh, on top of everything else to have to deal with that too. I'm so sorry.

I told everyone who mattered to me when it happened. It's new people who I don't tell. I meet a lot of new people because we move so much. I was about to say, we're good now, so maybe it doesn't matter. But, he just pissed me off. So, fuck him!

C+5N - This made me snort Yeah in the months right after I didn't tell a great many people, but I do now. I dunno, I feel like saying "I'm getting D'd cus my jackass husband wanted to fuck teenagers" gives me some of my power and dignity back. Especially cus he took that from me too since he decided on the D. Even tho I see it for the overblown-toddler-hands-on-ears-going-la-la-la bullshit it is, it still fluffs my feathers.

Got one day of work this week. Working from home on Tues so I can go get filed, and then going to a work conference in San Anotnio for W-F. I think is good timing to just be able to get out of my routine for a little.

Tallgirl posted 9/8/2019 17:40 PM

Tx

When I spiral it is tough. And it cycles.

I have to say getting out and doing new stuff helps.

Yesterday I went to a massive antique show, my first one. I am going to a sunset sangria nite, a psychic show and a hand crafts show all in the next few weeks. I like it because it is all mine. I tell WH about it and say I had a blast. Kinda like saying I donít need you.

I am woman. (always wanted to say that).

And yesterday i conquered...WH took the bitch whore to a nearby restaurant all the time - it is her favourite. So I went there, enjoyed it and told him. He said nothing. Dumbass. So I am going to ask him to bring me there. I am facing down his cheating locations and he should have told me. I will introduce myself to all staff as his wife.

All that cheating, lies and disrespect fucks us all .

Impossible to avoid down days. We do have to go thru the pain but we can make it easier. So darlin, take that agony, experience it, and take back your life. Fuck them. We need to own our lives and relearn that we are awesome.

Do what works for you.

Gals, I am so not girlie. I put make up on using the instructions on the back, donít wear much, and never buy it. Same with nail polish. If I have time I do my hair.

And I wear granny pants. Lol.

So my sense of humour has to make the day. Oh boy. And that shining personality that likes both beer and wine.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:43 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

TX1995 posted 9/8/2019 20:31 PM

Can I say that between the nail polish colors and the makeup colors, I feel like the luckiest person in the world is the one who gets paid to make up those names!

Chaos, thank you for the exercise in mindfulness. Let's see. My shirt, my walls, my computer case. My buckets of pens on my desk, the twinkle lights on the patio, the end of the pen next to my computer. My computer, my monitor and the lamp. And nice thing? I just turned in an exercise for school, so that's a nice thing for me I suppose. :)
I'm sorry it's been a down day in the land of Chaos as well. I hope the chocolate helped.

W2BH, I am buoyed by your words. I know somewhere deep down they are all true. I think this depression just has such a strong hold on me that I have a hard time connecting with anything that feels good. Even my kids don't feel good. And they are amazing little people. I need to try harder. I know I do. We ARE good, loyal, strong women. I need to remind myself of that. It sucks, but I have no other choice but to keep going or drown. And I really don't want to drown. Thanks for your words. They mean a lot.

Ellie - Ugh. I can imagine you are NOT looking forward to that. 36 days is a long time and I'm sure it's been kinda peaceful in a weird way not to have to even look at him. I am NOT on ADs. I have a prescription for Lexapro. I even filled it. But the first time I took it, I also took it with an anti-anxiety med (also prescribed by the same doc) and had an entire day of panic attacks. I googled and found the two ARE NOT supposed to go together. I haven't started the Lexapro again bc part of me is afraid that I'll have adverse reactions. Though at this point I could give a shit about the libido side effects. Not having those thoughts anyways! But perhaps I should consider starting them.

Tg - Look at you! Conquering those triggers places! Proud of you. I know you are right too. New experiences. Focusing on me. It helps. But damn if the shitty feeling don't just make me want to crawl into a hole sometimes. I think you are freaking amazing though for charging at those places!

I think instead of just not doing IC, I should look into finding one that specializes in betrayal trauma. I feel like my old one was nice and helpful to a point. But she was younger. No kids by choice. Only married a year into my therapy. I think perhaps someone with more life experience, more experience with infidelity (she said she had some), or perhaps even just someone with a new perspective might help. I just cannot have someone tell me to journal and paint away my depression anymore. (Simplified) I feel like this trickle truth DDay has obliterated my trust in myself and I don't even know where to go from here when it comes to making decisions about my marriage. I have plans for myself, but I need help managing the emotions that come from this trauma that my asshole liar of a husband has inflicted upon my life.

I'm grateful for each of you and hope you are all having a FABULOUS FUCKING SUNDAY NIGHT!

cocoplus5nuts posted 9/8/2019 21:06 PM

TX, it's ok to cry. I did a lot of that in the beginning. I was going to ask if you were going to IC. I think it's a good idea to look for someone more experienced. Unfortunately, it can sometimes take a while to find the right person. You will get through this.

Ellen, good luck with your meeting. Hang tough.

(We just had a teacher at our HS who was married to another teacher and had two kids - one still at the high school - who was caught in a sexual relationship with a student. Bad boundaries exist everywhere!)

, but not really.

Did I mention that the one teacher is supposedly married to the PE teacher? Weird coincidence.

After yoga midday, I sat on the couch and crocheted while watching serial killer documentaries on Netflix. I just finished watching season 2 of Mindhunters and I'm obsessed. I've always been interested in those type of sicko crimes, but now I can't get enough!

Does anyone remember the TV show Profiler from the 90s, I think? It started a woman as the main character/FBI profiler. I loved that show! It was gruesome. It wasn't on long. I had a crush on the actor who played her boyfriend from a soap opera I watched as a teenager. On the soap opera, he was the husband of Buttercup from The Princess Bride. (I'm terrible with names of actors.)

AmIAnIdiot15 posted 9/9/2019 15:30 PM

TX - *hugs* I hope you're feeling better! Those spirals are so hard.

Ellie - 36 days and I bet they were great! I hope you get through that acting like he matters 0% to you!

Early - No, but I'm blessed with amazing inlaws. Yours sound like you won't miss them too much!

I have made it through another weekend with my husband staying out of town - half a block from the girl he slept with.

It is somewhat easier for me, because I've read the entire transcript of their relationship, and I saw him end it after they slept together the one and only time. But still. I am here. He is there, and she is JUST around the corner.

His lease is up this month, and he'll move, but still be in the same town. One more year of living apart. I can get through it!

Also, I'm SO glad that so many of you are makeup junkies. I'm SO into self care lately, and a serious beauty box addict. I feel 0% guilty about having enough sheet masks to do one every day for the next few months.

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